Tuesday, May 27, 2008

US Trade Deficit Solution

As I mentioned I'm going back to the USA. It is my homeland.

I care about apple pie especially since no one can make it like my mother.

I also believe in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, which is why I live in Thailand.

The life is good under the mango tree in my front yard. I'm free to say whatever I want, because no one understands what I say. And I can pursue happiness without anyone saying, "No."

With the exception of my wife.

I'm going back to see family and friends. It's been two years. My visit is already being called 'the return of the prodigal son, uncle, friend, or reprobate'.

My people know me well. Another reason I'm returning is to find some work. Nothing to serious. A quick score which will both help America and finance my pursuit of more happiness in SE Asia.

It has come to my attention that the USA has piled up a tremendous trade deficit with China. Billions and billions. And the Chinese don't want to buy anything from us. the situation reminds me of the British before the Opium Wars. The Celestial Kingdom had no use for anything from Manchester or London, while the teabags couldn't live without a 'cuppa'. Some bright Limey tai-pans decided to deal opium to the Chinese. Its popularity was instantaneous. End of trade problems and China was thrown into the gutter.

I have shaken hands with GW Bush's father and intend of meeting the president this next month. I saw how he grabbed the Chinese Prime Minster on his last visit. He wanted to talk trade. The Commie wanted to hear nothing about buying baseball bats, since they are made in China.

My proposal will call for the legalization of cocaine everywhere in the world but white suburbs. That way we can declare the 'war on drugs' won and start dealing blow to the Chinese.

Should only take a year before the trade balance is back to zero.

I know it's a radical idea, but if i get the contract, then I'm franchising Carlos Blow Emporiums.

1-800-blowjob

If MacDonalds can sell crap, I don't see why I can't deal zoot.

Long live Tony Montana.

Mile High Club

Ever since the Wright Brothers flew at Kitty Hawk man has been attempting an endless assortment of tricks and risks in flight. Of course most of us are content to get from points A to B. Up and down without ragheads hijacking the plane for an unscheduled landing in a prominent building. Of course a safe flight doesn't exclude a little fun.

Such as joining the 'Mile-High Club'.

This society is open to those passengers who have experienced sex on an airplane.



I surveyed twenty male friends. Five professed to be members. Three were lying for sure. One of the remaining members said his girlfriend satisfied him manually under a blanket, which I don't consider sex according to the President Clinton Rules of Engagement. My friend Dean explained that his moment of glory came in university. "I was young and agile, which are required skills for accomplishing this deed in a tiny bathroom. It was sort of like having sex in the back of a VW Bug, but those diaper changing tables are much stronger than they look. At the moment of truth I flushed the toilet which caused atmospheric havoc and gave my companion a thrill."

I joined the club as an honorary member, having abused myself during a trans-Pacific flight.

I know it's not the same thing, but it's not like the airlines have a go-go bar in the cargo hold, which isn't such a bad idea, unless you're traveling on an Islamic airline.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Thai Lease Laws up for Review

Thai land ownership laws deny foreigners from owning property in perpetuity. Farangs found ways around this ban by owning leasehold contracts for the land in 30-year periods with the right to renew for another 30 years. This loophole has appeared in jeopardy since the coup tightened the FBA or Foreign Business Act. No one wants to put money into land they can't own and accordingly real estate sales in Thailand have been sluggish, however the new finance minister has raised the possibility of extending the present 30-year lease to 50 years in special zones in order to stimulate sales in a moribund market.

200px-Pattaya_sunset-KayEss-1.jpeg200px-Pattaya_sunset-KayEss-1.jpeg200px-Pattaya_sunset-KayEss-1.jpeg

These new zones will first be initiated on Bangkok's Sathon Road and then reportedly spread out to include the resort areas desperate for new residents in those thousands of empty housing estates in Phuket and Pattaya. China already has a 50 year lease and Singapore offers 99 years. This new proposal doesn't please everyone, for some Thais feel the land will be speculated out of the range of most Thais other than those speculating of rising property prices, so that Thailand will be bought by farangs.

Most Thais already think that foreigners own 74% of the nation.

Not my father-in-law.

Den knows his land is 100% his, although he would sell out in a heartbeat for the right price.

As for the 49% foreign quota for condominiums, the government will be checking to see in all condos are actually condos and not villas.

Overall this sounds like good news, but the process will take three sittings of Parliament, so don't hold your breath.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/pattaya-beach-scam.htm

Pattaya's 2nd World Tattoo Festival

My 5th Grade teacher, a nun, instructed her students that any souls arriving at the Pearly Gates with a tattoo on their deceased body would be dispatched immediately to Hell. Tattoos were a mortal sin for Catholics and despite having abandoned my Catholic faith I have retained the fear that a simple tattoo threatens my immortal soul.

normal_00110661.jpgnormal_00110661.jpgnormal_00110661.jpg

Not so for the tattoo enthusiasts congregating in Pattaya this weekend.

It's tattoos away for the 2nd World Tattoo Arts Festival this weekend.

Tattooing is an ancient art dating back to Neolithic times as evinced by skin art on several Ice Age corpses, however the word tattoo comes from the Samoan syllables for striking twice. This Polynesian tradition spread around the world on the backs, forearms, and faces of whalers and naval sailors. The Thais have been tattooing their flesh to ward off evil spirits for centuries, however it is only recently that the art has achieved semi-mainstream attention.

My niece got one for Christmas. A butterfly on her ankle.

Those tattoo fans gathering in Pattaya will be a little more decorated than my niece and thanks to the over 200 tattoo parlors in Pattaya they will be able to add to their living museum at a price far more affordable than in the West, although any drunks seeking to brand their face with the name of the nearest bar girl will be surprised to be discover that most tattoo artists will refuse their business, since alcohol thins the blood, making for a less than desirable image of their host.

This festival is the brainchild of Joy Wong, daughter of Pattaya's first tattoo specialist, who is attempting to raise the ethical consciousness of both tattoo affecionados and artists.

She stresses three main rules.

Tattoo no one under 20, use clean instruments, and never give a tattoo to a drunk or someone loaded on drugs, the last rule difficult considering there are over 6000 bars in Pattaya. 200 tattoo parlor, 6000 bars, 100,000 drunks.

Accidents are sure to happen, but this weekend is all good clean fun.

For a history of tattoos go to this URL

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tattoo

Man Refused Sex 5 Times in Pattaya

While watching the Hotspurs-Arsenal game, Convict entered the bar. Convict is not his real name. He's an ex-cop from Australia, but Nick calls all 'Roos 'convicts and criminals. Convict had been last seen the previous evening on Walking Street in search of a one-night stand. Usually a fait accompli, yet this evening his face was long as a donkey's nose and I asked, "Women problems?"

"Yeah, I don't know how to say it, but I was blown off five times last night?" Convict admitted without any shame.

"Five times?" Convict was in his late-30s. His beer gut wouldn't win any prizes at the Wet Tee-shirt Beer Belly contest, however Pattaya offers almost 100% success ratio with women and I had to ask. "Were you drunk?'

"Not in the beginning." He ordered a whiskey from the skinny girl behind the bar.

"Once or twice I can see, but five times." I had recently been told in Phnom Penh by a woman with whom I had a number of drinks that she didn't go with men. I accepted her excuse with disbelief, since she had visited the upstairs recreation room with another gent earlier in the evening. But I respected her prerogative to go with whomever she wanted, because it's not like she was the only girl in Phnom Penh.

"The first rejection was on Soi Eight. I bought the girl a couple of drinks and then invited her back to my place. She said she had a sick aunt in town and couldn't go." He sipped at his whiskey with a wounded expression.

"At least she lied to make you feel better." I'd been fed the same excuse a year ago.

"I figured I could right this situation by going to a go-go bar on Beach Road. A cute girl was dancing naked in front of me. I asked her the same question. She said she could go short time. Went to get her things, and then disappeared with a Japanese man." Convict shrugged and signaled for another whiskey. The first one had gone down fast.

"That's only because she wanted more money." Not many girls would turn down a Jap, who pay more and come like a rabbit on crack. Working girls say only Chinese men cum faster.

"She asked for 2000 baht."

"And you countered with 1500." Bargaining for a girl's body always cuts against the grain. "So this was a financial disagreement. What about #3?"

"I went to the Street behind Tony's. There was a girl at a beer bar. She had nice eyes. I like bar girls better than go-go girls anyway." Several of the drinkers were surreptiously listening to Convict. "I bought her a drink and then after the appropriate amount of chitchat popped the question about coming back to my place to watch some movies."

"Art films." Convict's porno collection was as legendary as his museum of dildos.

"They help set the mood." Convict smiled impishly. "She said she would love to, but she was working as the cashier. Couldn't leave."

"Cashiers rarely go with 'farangs'." I'd hit on many and gotten nowhere.

Convict agreed that he had been fooled into thinking she was into the game. "It was getting late and decided to go back to Soi 8. Maybe the first one would change her mind. She wasn't there. The mama-san said she had a sick aunt. Another girl started talking to me. I popped her the question. She said she would, but had her men or period. I said I didn't care if she was on the rag."

"Rejection #4." Convict's night was like my trawling the bars in Manhattan. A land of No followed by a taxi ride to an empty apartment. "But you didn't give up."

"No, but I had one more try in me."

"Where?"

"I'm not saying."

Nick, a Hotspurs fan, had heard about 80% of conversation and shouted, "The last one was at home. Even his hand wouldn't fuck him."

The bar laughed and so did Convict. There were plenty of nights I didn't want to go home with me after drinking myself into near-oblivion.

"No, I'm not saying who #5 was."

The bar begged for a confession. Convict locked his lips. "I'm not saying."

I was the only one who caught the eye of the girl behind the bar. She was missing a front tooth, but was pretty in a bony way. This bar was on Darryl's way home. She smiled and I knew she might be #5.

"Guess it's over to Soi half-dozen." Convict was headed to Pattaya's notorious short-time bars. "No one gets shot down there."

We wish him luck, but no one accompanied him to Soi 6.

Nick lifted his beer. "Last thing I need is Convictitis. I get enough of that back in London."

"And New York." Within a month I'd be back in Manhattan. I didn't hear any nos until then, because my wife has a headache and it's never a good time to ask for love when she has one of those.

Not if I know what's good for me.

Swearing in Thai

Like most farangs I had a hard time learning Thai. It has taken years and only those Thais who know me well can decipher what I'm trying to say with a Bostonian accent.

033.jpg033.jpg033.jpg

Conversely most of what is said to me is too fast for my ears to catch the meaning, but one day I was arguing with a woman from whom I rented a motorcycle. I had slightly scratched the front fender. Other scraps graced the bike. She wanted 1000 baht to replace the fender. I knew that was too much and countered with 200. We couldn't meet in the middle and she spat, "Yet mung."

I've been called many things in many languages.

Thanks to Hollywood most nationalities know how to say 'Fuck you'.

But every language has its own lexicon of sharp phrases.

I instantly realized she had the Thai version of the f-word, although when I asked anyone what this meant, they all said, "You can not say that."

"You can, why can't I?"

"Can not." Was the only explanation.

Anytime I have since asked about swears, the Thais mostly smile and say they don't know any bad words. I think they are lying since most swearing occurs behind the wheel of a vehicle and judging from the faces of drivers I have cut off, there seems to be a broad vocabulary for slagging off both farangs and their own countrymen.

My wife's favorite Ngao or idiot.

Mine tends to be hua-kee or shithead, which my Thai friends say doesn't really get anyone worked up, but was one of my hometown favorites.

In really it's better to keep it simple and stay with what the locals use

I advise you not to use them too often.

And be very careful no one can catch you either.

Back in the 90s a German gave a finger to a local in Chiang Mai. A year goes by and the Thai shoots the German dead. Like an elephant he had a memory. Better to use the following words against farangs. Always makes the Thais smile.

Farang ba = Stupid foreigner (we've all been called this)
Yet = Fuck
Kuay = Cock (banana also. Amazing how some words have different meanings)
Ai sat = Twat
Kwai = Buffalo (we all know what this means 'MOOOOO')
Hoop baak = Shut up (my wife's favorite expression when I'm talking about $)
Orn kuay = Suck cock
I hayer = Son of a bitch
Gengri = Whore
Farang keenohk = Birdshit foreigner (Actually said because you're cheap)
Chong mang = I don't give a fuck
Ga-ree = Whore, Slut
Dollair = Bullshitter ( sort of the bad version of barg wan or sweet mouth)
Sudd-Na-Rok = Damned Devi
Tood-Muek = Asshole
Gook Kuay = Damned Penis
Na-Hee = Cuntface
Ai Na Dad = Clit face (Very vulgar)
Hee mah = Dog pussy
Gratoey = Homosexual
Yet ped = Duck fucker
Hee = Pussy
Baan poh mung = Bullshit (lit. your father's house)
Naa maw = Flirt (vulgar)
Laew = Evil (vulgar)
Baa = Crazy (vulgar)
Chuk wow = (male) Masturbate (lit. fly kite) (this I understand very well)
Tob bhed = (female) Masturbate (lit. fishing) (no woman will admit to doing this)
Kun Heeat = A lizard that eats garbage (quite vulgar!)
Mai chawp khun, dag ling = I don't like you, monkey arse
Som nam nah! = In your face! (probably the #2 Thai expression used by farangs
Nah peeh = Ghost face
Hua kuai = Dickhead
Heeh men = Smelly pussy

Caution

Don't ever use the next eight.

I only added these so you understand what is being said to you.
Mung = Highly derogative form of 'you'
Goo = Highly arrogant form of 'me'
Loog-Ga-Ree = Son of the bitch
Por Mung Tai = Wish your father dead
Mae-Mung-Tai = Wish your mother dead
Yet Por = Fuck your father
Hee mae mang = Fuck your mother
Mae mung = Your mom (yo mamma)

I only use about 4-5 of these words a day unless I'm driving and then I use them all, but only with the windows shut. It's one thing to use bad language and it's quite although to have people hear you swear.

Samak Slanders Bald Men Everywhere

PM Samak is devoted to free speech, mostly his own and this week on TV accused a bald man ie Ai Hua Therk of attempting to harm the government. That brevity of the accused provocateur's description was breath-taking. Bald or balding. Hua lan.

Only about several million men and a few thousand women answer that description, so maybe the Interior Minister can organized a massive sweep of the bald populace along with his proposed war of Drugs, thereby ridding the nation of bald drug dealers for good.

Good non-bald Thais could assist with the hunt for this threat, although concerned citizens would have to be trained to recognize wigs in order to not allow this single miscreant slip away from punishment. PAD or People's Alliance for Democracy supporters are purging their ranks of bald men to safeguard the coalition's consolidation of power.

At least the PM knows it isn't him.

After all he has a full head of hair.

Happy Birthday Buddha

Monday is Visakha Bucha Day celebrating Buddha's birth, enlightenment, and death. This trifecta of holy holidays is highlighted by the Wien Tien ceremony at local temples, where devoted Buddhists circle the Wats three times honoring Dharma or the Buddha's teaching.

The killing of animals is forbidden during this time.

Thankfully most major supermarkets have already supply of previous slaughtered flesh for consumption, but more troubling for farang tourists and residents is the ban on alcoholic consumption. Being non-Buddhists westerners are exempt from this ruling, however it's more respectful to not be seen staggering around the darkened bars dead drunk, although most people in that state are past caring about local customs.

Bars should be operating as usual, since it's up to the owners whether to remain open for the 3-day period.

Happy Buddha Birthday

Chonburi Governor threatens all-powerful Beach Chair Mafia

The Chonburi governor has been fighting with the Pattaya's omnipotent beach chair operator since his swearing in ceremony. Basically he wants to assign 7 meter by 7 meter plots to decongest the narrow beach strip for public use ie being able to lay down on the sand without having to shell out 30 baht for a crapped out chair.

Provincial governor are usually very powerful, however the present occupant of that title has run into a stubborn resistance from the locals, who think that this occupation of the beach is a marketable right of possession and frustrated by the lack of support from the Interior Minister, the Chonburi governor has threatened to resign to any post offered to him rather than kowtow to the Pattaya beach mafia, unless they adopt his plan within 30 days.

Looks like he's heading to Yala to check motorcycles for bombs.

See yah.

Superstitions in Thailand

Seven years ago I visited Koh Chang with my wife. We stayed at a small beach side bungalow. During the night the wind picked up to about 40 kph. My wife heard its moan and shivered in bed very close to me. I asked what was wrong and she said in all seriousness, "This bungalow have ghosts."

I explained that I would protect her.

"Can not protect against Pee-Bob?" She was almost on the verge of tears in fear of pee-bob, a famous ghost with no flesh and its entrails spilling out of its skeleton while a decapitated skull aimlessly orbits the bones.

In the morning we checked out of the resort and returned to Pattaya, where she felt safe again, but ghosts still influence our lives as do local superstitious customs such as the following;

Don't cut your hair on a Wednesday.

No finger or toenail manicures at night. it's like breaking your ancestors' bones.

If you sweep the house at night, you can't sweep out the dust or else your money will disappear. Same goes for disrupting spider webs at night and certainly don't hide anything t night, because a ghost will steal it. I had this happen, when I arrive home drunk and hid a gold ring. I couldn't find it the next day or ever. Round up the usual ghosts as suspects.

If you sneeze then someone is talking about you and not good either.

A dream about losing teeth is a warning that someone close to you will get into an accident.

Spilling rice is bad luck.

No whistling at night.

Opening an umbrella in your house will make you bald, especially dangerous for bald men.

Candy dropped on the floor belongs to ghosts.

Broken Buddha images are bad luck.

Don't tell a bad dream while you're eating or else it will come true.

Throwing anything on the roof is bad luck since you might have to go up and get it down. Do not throw anything onto the roof of the house. It is bad luck.

Tapping a child on the head might make them a bed-wetter.

Never enter a house through a window.

Don't itch at a funeral or else the scratch will become infected.

Forbid your children from playing with night shadows or else the shadow phee will take them away.

Picking flowers at a temple will send you to hell.

Walking with your head down will shorten your life.

Some of these superstitions are common sense, I asked my Thai friends about the origins of these superstitions and received a blank stare.

"Mai lu." was the only answer I received from an old Thai woman, as if speaking about ghosts was also bad luck. Thankfully there aren't many of them I would have to violate anyway as long as there's nothing about not drinking beer.

Chok dee there isn't a beer ghost as far as I know.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/bet-on-thai.htm

Food Superstitions in Thailand

Thais have more superstitions than the Irish and some of them are devoted to food, since it's their third greatest love behind having fun and sleep.

Here's a short list of don't.

Eating a double banana will give a woman twins, which must be tough for those showgirls doing the banana tricks at go-gos.

Eating before your elders will reincarnate you as a dog. This rule is waved for disasters and fast food restaurants.

Eating food without rice will give you rickets.

Eating salt under a tree will kill the tree.

Eating other people's food without permission will swell your throat, so schnorrers beware. Schnorrer is a Yiddish term for people who eat of another person's plate without permission. I'm sure there's lots of Yiddish superstitions too.

Eating a kids' left-overs will make them naughty.

Eating before monk during the day will turn you into a ghost.

Eating corn with the flu will raise your temperature.

Never eat all the rice on your evening plate. Leave a little for the ghosts.

Eating chicken feet will give you bad handwriting. My wife loves chicken feet. Yech.

Eating chili sauce from a mortar bowl will give your kid big lips.

Eating turtles will make you walk slow. Eating chicken feet make me sick.

The last is about eating dog. I've feasted on dog in Indonesia. It doesn't taste like chicken feet. It's actually delicious, but Thais think if you eat it, then you will be possess by the dog's spirit. Arf Arf.

Is that such a bad thing?

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/friday-the-13th-7-13-2007.htm

Happy Hours Maybe Fini in France

Years ago I was driving on the Autoroute du Sud toward Perpignan. I stopped at a Cafe de Relais to a coffee. At the bar several routiers or truck drivers were drinking in an afternoon aperitif. In this case Calvados. Coming from the States I was slightly surprised that the Etat du France sanctioned the consumption of alcohol on the roadways, but while in France I decided to do what the French do and had myself a glass of the potent applejack.

larryclark01.jpglarryclark01.jpglarryclark01.jpg

Times have changed for France, for the government is contemplating a happy-hour ban as well as a restriction on bottle sales at clubs and bars. Authorities consider this rituals to be an incentive for teenage binge drinking and the inherrant bad behavior attributed to chronic drunkenness. According to their reports one in four French teenagers got ivre mort or drunk at least 3 times in the last year. I would have thought it more than 3 times.

Happy hours are designed to draw a young clientele into bars earlier than 8pm.

Banning them will only force teens to drink in parks or at home.

Better to couple the happy hours with drunk driving hours, so the public is forewarned about the soused drivers ahead of time. Say midnight to dawn. No reason for anyone sober to be on the road after those hours anyway.

Not if they know what is good for them.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/richard-is-a-forkhead-by-peter-nolan-smith.htm

Thai Love Potion Comeback

Most foreigners have little knowledge of Thai magic. Fewer have experienced its influence, however their ignorance doesn't diminish the power that incantations and spells hold over the Thais. Forget the 7/11s, the Benzes, the DVD players, the Thai's greatest fascination is with magic, because while money might be an turn-on for most women and beauty alluring for men, most men don't have money and most women are not beautiful. Faced with rejection, Thais resort to nam man prai or corpse oil to ensnare are enthralled their neglectful nah laks or darlings. The magic of nam man prai has never been proven, however lovesick losers swear by its power to seduce to unseductible better than a roofie, but it doesn't come cheap.

1208526561YFhG6HR.jpg1208526561YFhG6HR.jpg1208526561YFhG6HR.jpg

One woman shelled out 20,000 baht for the love potion, which normally cost 5000-10000 baht. Guess she asked to be super-sized.

The medicine, a small bottle of Spanish Fly never arrived at her address and she has sued the 'master of love' to return her funds. Maybe he was having a hard time obtaining the potion, since its source requires singeing the chin of a dead pregnant woman who died in an accident.

Should have been plenty of those in the aftermath of Songkran.

Nam man prai is very popular with teenagers who claim that the oil works within 7-10 days, satisfaction guaranteed. The Thai health minister is looking into allegations that magicians are actually selling nothing more than palm oil to the unsuspecting youths and these naifs should take care, for a phi prai is usually an evil spirit, for her death during childbirth creates a fearful ghost, especially if the child dies as well.

The dead spirits prey on young men for love and turn into beautiful women, luring the young men into a fatal embrace. Only a mah mod or witch can protect the young man stricken with the love of a phi prai and most of the time it's too late.

You can't fool with Mother Nature and it's even worse to mess around with the supernatural, so you love-lost folks stick to porn-surfing.

It's safer.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/feminists-think-fat-is-beautiful.htm

Elephant Magic Trick for Thai Love

Elephants have long memories. mostly because they have long lives. I've seen 100 year-old elephants. Not in Africa since poachers killed the pachyrderms for their tusks. You would have thought somewhere along the line these ivory hunters would have invested in an elephant dentist, although I doubt elephants are very tractable for tusk extractions.

Thai elephants are different from Africans.

They are trained to perform certain tasks and are considered good luck.

Even as a fertility blessing for any woman who walks five times under an elephant's belly is sure to give birth within the year, that is if she survives the ritual, because while elephants do have long memories, they aren't the most patient of animals, but it's definitely cheaper than a visit to a fertility clinic.

Read Ben Elton's INCONCEIVABLE.

He never mentions elephants in the couple's search to have a baby.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/index.php?s=elephant

US Supreme Court Okays Porno

Free Speech advocates have long regarded pornography as the front line of 1st Amendment, however the Supreme Court re-affirmed its position on a 2003 law designated to curtail kiddie porn, despite the legislation's vague terms on CGI or Computer Generated Images sex might infringe on the 1st Amendment. I surf the web for porn, but agree with Justice Scalia's opinion.

"Child pornography harms and debases the most defenseless of our citizens."

I feel the same way about slasher films and their violence directed at women, although films depicting the brutal murder of women and senseless violence such as NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN are awarded the Oscar.

Murder versus Sex.

Murder wins every time.

The unconstitutionality claim comes from the 11th Court which offered SNOW WHITE as an example of a book possibly portraying children in a sexual manner. Justice Scalia didn't read the classic that way and neither do I. Only two justices dissented with the majority ruling. Figuring like Justice Potter Stewart in the 1973 decision on pornography, "I know pornography when I see it."

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/snow-in-thailand.htm

Obamastock in Oregon

Barack Obama appeared along the banks of Willamette River and the first words out of his mouth were. "Wow wow wow."

Why wow wow wow?

Because over 75,000 people had thronged to see the Democratic contender.

Hillary Clinton was not available for comment about the crowd size.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/telling-it-like-it-is.htm

US Cities Getting Old

Plenty of children are playing in Central Park, but they were none in downtown Providence the other day and like many other cities in the in the USA the dead outnumber the born. This fact was brilliantly portrayed in the English film CHILDREN OF GOD which depicts a world without birth, but no one is prepared for the de-population of the world, considering the current prediction of 9 billion people by 2050. Of course this neglects that the Mayan cosmos is supposed to come to an end on December 24, 2012, but who cares what the cross-eyed inhabitants of the Yucatan peninsula think?

So de-population of our cities?

Who wants to live in Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Buffalo, or Providence?

Only the old who don't like change other than the change of the seasons.

This phenomena runs deep in Thailand, where young people leave the rice villages for the cities and none of them are saying they're coming back either. I certainly ain't gonna live in Pittsburgh, because I'm a Boston Bruins fan and hate the Steelers too.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/brigitte-bardot-is-old.htm

Ted Kennedy Survives Helicopter Ride

Ted Kennedy was hospitalized for a seizure this weekend. The senior senator was helicoptered to Mass General Hospital where he remains in stable condition. This brush with near-death was not his first and far from as famous as the Chappaquiddick Bridge incident, which resulted in the drowning death of of his late brother's secretary, Mary Jo Kopechne in the Summer 0f 1969.

Not single bullet theory for his mother's Olds 88 going off the bridge.

He was drunk. So drunk that he deserted Mary Jo in the car and ended up at a hotel where he woke the next morning with no recollection of the accident. A judge later decided that the young woman's death was attributed to Ted Kennedy's negligence and he was lucky not to serve time for manslaughter. The senator did not run for President in 1972 and National Lampoon later ran a humorous ad for Volkswagen stating that if Ted Kennedy had driven a VW Beetle then he would be president today.

No single bullet theory.

Only ridicule, however there is a divergent thought about this tragic accident and it is that JFK's younger brother was dosed with a psychotic drug by the CIA, thus rendering him incapable of driving. He was supposed to have survived the crash in order to further discredit the liberal cause in America.

I could babble on more, except that this URL covers the story in glorious delusive detail.

http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/archive.cgi?noframes;read=10111

So Ted Kennedy still lives with a story hidden in his heart, because like his brother's deaths the people have heard too many lies to ever comprehend the truth.

PS National Lampoon is a CIA mouth piece just like Saturday Night Live.

Yalies and Harvard boys.

For a related article click ont his URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/obamas-assassinatability-factor.htm

Prostitution In Providence

I've been back in the States a month. My funds are getting low. Hell, they were low when I left Thailand. A friend offered a job in Providence. hang drapes at the Biltmore Hotel. $300/ 2 days. Not enough for a ticket back to paradise, but half of that amount would take care of my wife in Chai-Nat. We drove from New York early in the morning and worked until 9pm. The hotel gave us each rooms. We went outside to get some beers.

Providence is a ghost town after dark like all American cities.

No one on the streets, except for two old women in mini-skirts.

"You want some action?"

"Action?"

"Yeah." The two ladies spelled out the rest with obscene gestures.

I thanked them for the offer and ran back to the hotel. A Honduran contractor laughed at this story. "It's legal in Rhode island. Prostitution. Not outside on the street, but indoors. $139 for a spa treatment. I never go. Too much money for me."

So prostitution in Rhode Island is legal due to a revised state law decriminalizing selling sex indoors, while other statutes forbid loitering for the purposes of prostitution, which hadn't discourage the two ladies of the night working in the shadows of the City Hall.

Supposedly spas exist in Providence for the relaxation of men seeking female solace, but I suspect that they aren't anywhere as fun as Soi 6.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/whores-or-virgins.htm

Peace in Our Time

GW Bush toured the Middle East to celebrate Israel's 60th anniversary and beg the Saudis to increase oil production. He successfully ate cake with the Israelis, but he pleas for mercy at the pumps was met with a stony silence. The US president knows how to handle Arabs and a high official hinted to Israeli Army Radio that Bush is planning on attacking Iran before his term of office comes to an end. During a clandestine meeting between the two governments both Bush and Cheney inferred their desire to whack Iran. Neither Secretary of State Rice or Defense Secretary Gates are giving the green light for this escalation from rhetoric to aggression, knowing an attack on the Islamic Republic would destabilize the fragile region to the point of Mad Max chaos. Despite the cooler minds prevailing, Bush is eagerly seeking an opening for his doomsday strategy.

"America stands with you in firmly opposing Iran's nuclear weapons ambitions," Bush said. "Permitting the world's leading sponsor of terror to possess the world's deadliest weapon would be an unforgivable betrayal of future generations. For the sake of peace, the world must not allow Iran to have a nuclear weapon."

He did not sing WHAT KIND OF FOOL AM I after this statement.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/cia-rendition-camps-in-thailand.htm

Aussie Sex Slave Madam

Several months ago Ort was sitting in the Tiger Bar. The 23 year-old was the skinniest girl in the bar. She had her choice of customers. None suited her. "All of them are kee-nio."

1207429425QcpKtMf.jpg1207429425QcpKtMf.jpg1207429425QcpKtMf.jpg1207429425QcpKtMf.jpg

"How much they pay you?"

"1500 baht for short time. 2500 for all night." She ordered another beer on my tab.

"That's sounds okay." I wasn't making any money at this time, thanks to the cyber police.

"No, I thinking about going to Singapore or Australia. One night make maybe 10,000 baht."

10 Gs is most Thais monthly income. "Good money if you can get it."

"Singapore men not have sex with Singapore lady. Lady work too much. Men work too much. Sex maybe 5 minutes. See yah." She was dreaming about easy money, but also had heard of not so happy endings to these trips overseas. "I'm scared they sell me to bad men. The woman boss she wants 100,000 for ticket and visa. Big money."

$3000 for the right to work in a brothel was a problem.

"You give me?"

"Sorry, I don't have it, plus it sounds a little suspicious."

"Suspicious?" Ort didn't know the meaning of the word.

"Gring." And I explained about a Aussie madam or mama-san who had enslaved 5 Thai women in Sydney. They had received tickets and visas in exchange for working off their $20,000 debt.

"How much $20,000?" Ort wasn't liking what she was hearing.

"About 500,000 baht." Or about 500 short-times.

"Too much." Ort was lazy about having sex. Anyone working the sex trade is, unless they're a slave, which is what these 5 Thai women were. They were told the number of clients necessary to pay off the debt. 900 men. Their passports and return were seized by the Chinese madam. They were locked in the brothel 24 hours a day, working 12 hour shifts to reduce their debt, while Sundays they could work for themselves. No rest for the wicked.

Ort surveyed the bar with a new eye. "Not so bad here. I see you later."

She got up and went to the fattest farang in the bar.

Just her speed.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/sex-in-the-old-city.htm

The Amazing Car Machine

Jocko Weyland, our China correspondent was driving in his Nissan in LA. He had to find some to park it while he was away. The car gave its own solution

The Amazing Car Machine
1993-May 19th, 2008

A.C.M. WMud, May 2006By D.P.(2).jpg

In loving memory

A great little car, possibly the greatest little car ever, "The Amazing Car
Machine" ­known as "The A.C.M." for short ­ met is demise after an almost
preposterously long life and untold hundreds of thousands of miles when its
heart gave out on Highway 2 right before exit 12 into Los Feliz at
approximately 11 am on a very hot and extremely sunny May day. Capable of
amazing feats of endurance, fortitude, and perseverance that gave rise to
its nickname, the A.C.M. was more than a car, it was a phenomenon beloved by
its successive drivers and everyone who had the fortune of being a passenger
in its comfortable and economically-sized interior.

Passed on from Oliver Wasow to Cameron Martin, generously donated by Cameron
to Joanna Yas and Jocko Weyland in 2003, the A.C.M. spent three years
cruising the streets of New York City while residing on Powers Street in
Brooklyn after its final changeover of ownership. Long distance trips
included forays to Nova Scotia and the wilds of Cape Breton Island,
Washington D.C., frequent incursions into the Berkshires and the Boston
area, and intensive explorations of Queens, The Bronx and the nether regions
of King¹s County. From there the A.C.M. ventured west through West Virginia
and Louisiana to Marfa, Texas and New Mexico, to Portland, Oregon, the
rugged roads of the Warm Springs Indian Reservation before living out its
last year in Los Angeles. Always game, running like a dream with only an
occasional oil change, able to withstand getting stuck in the mud at Grafton
State Park, a bizarre incident where horse hair was inserted into its
tailpipe by unknown persons, being driven over logging roads in the
mountains of Southern Oregon, and one day when six grown men, three of whom
were over 6'2", managed to fit inside it, the A.C.M. was an inanimate object
that transcended that delineation between the living and not to become an
almost mythical personification of the perfect car. An extremely dependable
and fun to drive vehicle as well as being as comely as an automobile can be
with its flecked and weathered black paint job, the A.C.M. was truly a
trooper and more than just an incomparable car.

The Amazing Car Machine will surely be missed, and live on in the hearts and
minds of those closest to it and all those who were lucky enough to come
into contact with its charms.

R.I.P.

Friday, May 16, 2008

The Magic of Thai Silk

The word silk or pra pai is nearly synonymous with Thailand, however legend holds that the Chinese Empress Si Ling Chi discovered the mythic material while sipping tea underneath a royal mulberry tree. A cocoon fell into her cup and the empress became enthralled by her unraveling of the fine thread, thus creating China’s famed silk industry. How the silkworms came to Thailand is a mystery, since the Chinese banned the smuggling of silkworm eggs, cocoons, and mulberry seeds under punishment of death, although some historians say that a Chinese princess promised to a Thai prince concealed silkworm eggs in her hair as part of her dowry. Silk threads dating back some 3000 years have been found in the ruins of Baan Chiang, lending credence to the agelessness of this myth.

silk003.jpgsilk003.jpgsilk003.jpgsilk003.jpg

Few people understand the process of transforming silkworm cocoons into silk. Cultivators feed hordes of caterpillars on mulberry leaves through four shredding of their skin before they actually begin to weave the valued cocoons in thousands of triangular-shaped figure eights from the liquid silk filling their bodies in a 4-5 days process. Afterwards the cocoons are placed in a vat of boiling water and the Isaan silk farmers love their part of the procedure as they find the broiled pupa especially tasty, saying it tastes like corn.

CIA Rendition Camps in Thailand

Once more in the News.

_39717015_september112203.jpg_39717015_september112203.jpg_39717015_september112203.jpg

The Thai and USA governments have been partners ever since the War in Laos, where over 15,000 Thai soldiers served as para-military support units for anti-communist Hmong fighters. despite that losing effort the USA respects the Thai's effort in the cause of freedom to go so far as to having honored Thailand with its very own rendition camp to hold Islamic fascist terrorist suspects for questioning under the GW Bush rules of human rights.

The exact location of this detention camp has been an unknown to two detainees, who claimed to have been jailed in the Land of Smiles according to the Washington Post, although most experts agree that the probably site was the old Udon Thani airbase from which the USA conducted its bombing campaign against the Pathet Lao and NVA during the Viet-Nam War.

No elephant rides or trips to go-go bars for these boys.

Strictly business as taught at the School of Americas in Newport, Rhode Island, where they get information the old fashioned way. By beating it out of you. Unfortunately for Thailand a former PM adopted these techniques to deal with insurgents in the restive south with the unexpected result of stirring up even more violence.

The CIA supposedly closed these secret camps in 2006 and we know we can ebleive anything they say, because we don't have any other choice.

For more information click on this URL

http://www.atimes.com/atimes/southeast_asia/ja25ae01.html

The war against terrorism TWAT keeps chugging on.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/im-not-into-sm-gw-bush.htm

Bar Girl Scams in Pattaya

I love Pattaya. I love the girls. If only for the fact they are the least trustworthy females on the planet and that takes some doing considering that with a 4th grade education in a rice field school they can bilk billions of baht from highly-intelligent western men with such lines as "I need to see sick buffalo in vllage." or "I don't have a Thai boyfriend." or "Someone steal my gold." or "My brother is sick in hospital."

sm04.jpgsm04.jpgsm04.jpg

For a further list of these scams click on this URL

http://www.scams-in-pattaya.com/

But the flow of betrayal is not all one-way for the other day at the Welkom Inn a young girl came into the bar aglow with success. She was a millionaire. After ordering a round for the bar she explained that a client had given her about 50 million Turkish Lira.

Turkish Lira.

"Those bills are old. Have you tried to cash them?" Fabo asked with a Heiniken in his hand.

"No, but they are very big. Same dollar."

"Actually you didn't do to badly. 1000,000 Old Turkish Lira is about 25 baht. So 25 times 50 is_______"

"I know what it is." the irate girl shut up Fabo's calculation, not wanting to let her friends know her bonanza was the same price as a short-time visit to the Welkom Inn's back rooms. Even worse she would find out that almost no banks will cash these bills. maybe in bangkok, but not pattaya, so they were basically worthless.

Touche for the sick buffalo.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/bar-fines-in-pattaya.htm

Pattaya go go bar review

i don't have the time to go to the scores of go-go bars in Pattaya.

Mostly I frequent What's Up on Soi 15 and Heaven Above.

Dau-on-stage.jpgDau-on-stage.jpgDau-on-stage.jpg

For a good review of the bars check out this URL

http://www.pattayagogos.com/nllatest.htm#High_Bar_Fines

From Thai Anxiety

I'm too lazy or drunk to do it.

Most Beautiful Girl in Thailand Part 2

A reader criticized my entry THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE THAILAND for being a waste of time. He must have googled these world and somehow found my site. It certainly isn't on the front page of Google. Offended by my suggestion that the most beautiful girl in Thailand was a lady-boy, I googled these words and this website for the 2008 Miss Tiffany contest was #1 on search engine.
as-thailand5.jpgas-thailand5.jpgas-thailand5.jpg


http://www.wayodd.com/thailand-hosts-the-annual-most-beautiful-transsexual-contest/v/7153/

Do I actually think that a ladyboy is more beautiful than a woman?

I'll never tell.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/the-most-beautiful-girl-in-thailand.htm

The Most Beautiful Girl in Thailand

This friday Tiffany Show World on Pattaya's 2nd Road hosts the annual Miss Tiffany Universe pageant for women of the 2nd category from all over the world. The event is viewed by millions of Thais and hosted by the reigning Miss Thailand Universe, who is naturally feminine while the beauty of her ka-toey sisters are aided by breast operations and hormonal treatments, still some of the most beautiful women I have seen in Thailand are not women at all. Not that I'm fooled for a minute. A few seconds and maybe longer if the lights are dim and none of my friends are in the bar.

image-1.php.jpgimage-1.php.jpgimage-1.php.jpg

Thai transvestites start taking hormones as early as the age of 12 and some even undergo castration in their mid-teens to prevent further masculination of their bodies. Beauty doesn't come cheap either, but it's the dream of every ladyboy to compete in this contest. Not for the money, but the glory.

Well, also for the money.

I think it's almost a million baht this year.

Hell, if I was pretty I'd give it a try.

"I feel pretty. Oh so Pretty. Oh so pretty and witty and gay."

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/anchors-ahoy-for-ka-toeys.htm

Shooting At the Moon - Book Review

The airbases fo Issan are relatively quiet now. A few flights a day from Bangkok, but during the Viet-Nam War these runways were scorched by US fighters and bombers flying missions over Hanoi and more secretively Laos. This supposed secret war was run out of a small complex on the Udon Thani air strip basically by 2 CIA agents vividly portrayed in SHOOTING AT THE MOON a non-fiction account of the clandestine conflict by Roger Warner also author of Haing Ngor: CAMBODIAN ODYSSEY.

large_SRusch1127a.jpglarge_SRusch1127a.jpglarge_SRusch1127a.jpg

Laos in the 1960s was a bucolic sideshow to Vietnam with the various factions locked in a determined stalemate. The Pathet Lao and the Lao Royalist Force Armee Royale or 'fast army running' as the units were known to the CIA insiders, had no intentions of fighting each other. Their leaders were related by royal blood and combat consisted of shuffling strategic positions according the the weather, until Washington decided to arm the Hmong tribespeople to stiffen the resolve of the lowland anti-communist troops.

The entire operation was run by Bill Lair who picked Vang Po to lead his tribesmen against the enemy. The Hmong were a superstious people who fire guns during lunar eclipses to sacere the celestial frog from swallowing the moon, but they could effectively harass the Pathet Lao. Unfortunately they never had the numbers to destroy those forces, especailly once they were reinforced by North Vietnamese regulars protecting the threatened Ho Chi Minh Trail. Mr Lair promised the Hmong a refuge to the west should all hell break loose and SHOOTING AT THE MOON records the unfolding tragedy, as CIA higher-ups raise the ante in Laos with deadly results, most culpably station chief Theodore Shackeley and CIA Director William Colby. As one agent said, "It doesn't matter how horrible you are, as long as you take care of your people."

And no one took care of Laos, which was bombed more ehavily than germany in WWII,

Mr. Warner purports that this war was a success as long as it was small, a theory of soft force Pentagon planners should research for their present quagmires in Afghanistan and Iraq, but those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it and usually more than once

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/sideshow-book.htm

Mormon Multiple Mia Nois

Thais like to think that prostituttion didn['t exist within their borders until its introduction by the Chinese, however the country since time immemorial has fiercely upheld the tradition of mia yai / mia noi or big wife / small wife. This form of bigamy is widely accepted in all levels of society from kings to tuk-tuk drivers, but not even a Thai tycoon can compete with the multiple wives held by the Mormon communities of southern Utah.

08polygamy550.jpg08polygamy550.jpg08polygamy550.jpg

I've driven through Colarado City, Arizona twice. Route 389 bisects the isolated community without a single 7/11 or gas station in sight to entice the traveler to stop for gas, potato chips, or information. This town has turned its back on the world to avoid curiosity seekers interested in the biggest polygamy sect in the USA, The Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints.

Town demographics list that there are an equal number of men and women, but not that only a few men are married to most of the females and they also have families in other polygamist conclaves. One man has over 20 wives in Colorado City and another 21 in the recently-raided Texas commune.

Mia Nois galore, except a large percentage of their wives are under age and this means some FLDS husbands will be facing serious jail time in the near future, despite the multi-lotharios stating that polygamy is not the problem. "Human judgment is."

Federal authorities are contemplating a raid on this town, but have no idea what such an endeavor will reap and the FLDS members are slowly fleeing to more secluded locales to avoid the dismemberment of their sect, although those funny dresses are a dead giveway.

I'm related to Joseph Smith on my father's side.

And I'm no bigamist, but I do believe in many mia nois.

Only one of them.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/marriage-ala-pattaya-2.htm

Landslide Victory for New Pattaya Mayor

Pattaya's new mayor enjoyed a landslide advantage in the recent election outscoring her nearest oppponent by 17,000, however considering the city's growth in the last years, the 50% turnout for the mayoral election should have come up with more than 28,000 voters.

Where is everyone else?

Ten years ago Pattaya's population was roughly 90,000. Wikpedia lists the 2007 number of registered Thai residents as 100,000, although it is widely suspected that another 200,000 to 400,000 inhabitants crowd the coastal city. They don't really count, being Thais listed in other provinces or even less important long-time western visitors.

Basically 3 of the 4 people you see in Pattaya don't exist to the city officials, which is why municipal authorities claim there is enough water for the populace and ignore the traffic congestion.

The people simply aren't there.

The Worst of the Worst - SLORC

In 1989 SLORC or the military junta of Thailand's neighbor changed the name of their nation from Burma to Myanmar an appellation dating back to the 13th Century. This renaming of the country has done little to alleviate the suffering of its citizens. Chronic starvation and repression are day-to-day realities for the Burmese, so when Cyclone Nargis hit the delta area of the Irrawaddy River and Rangoon no one was prepared to deal with a disaster of that magnitude and especially not SLORC.

They first denied humanitarian groups access to the stricken areas and now have been accused of stealing emergency supplies from the United Nations. Aid workers are being turned away at the airport and the military said they are the only people capable of handlign the relief efforts to the nearly 1.5 million people affected by the massive flooding.

Horse paddy.

This resistance to the outside world's charity is simply another weapon to suppress their captive population and earns SLORC #1 worst government in the world.

For #2 Robert Mugabe has to win the silver.

The field for the bronze is wide open.

Israel's 60th Anniversary

The 1947 population of Palestine was about 70% Arab and 30% Jewish refugees and settlers. The UN voted to partition the ex-Ottoman province between the two groups 50/50. Neither side was too happy with the split and fighting escalated to a full-blown war ending with the defeat of the Palestinean ie the Nakba or defeat. of coruse the Jewish victors were happier now and on may 14 declared the creation of Israel.

60 years ago.

It almost seems like yesterday to everyone.

Except the Palestinians.

Thai Lease Laws up for Review

Thai land ownership laws deny foreigners from owning property in perpetuity. Farangs found ways around this ban by owning leasehold contracts for the land in 30-year periods with the right to renew for another 30 years. This loophole has appeared in jeopardy since the coup tightened the FBA or Foreign Business Act. No one wants to put money into land they can't own and accordingly real estate sales in Thailand have been sluggish, however the new finance minister has raised the possibility of extending the present 30-year lease to 50 years in special zones in order to stimulate sales in a moribund market.

These new zones will first be initiated on Bangkok's Sathon Road and then reportedly spread out to include the resort areas desperate for new residents in those thousands of empty housing estates in Phuket and Pattaya. China already has a 50 year lease and Singapore offers 99 years. This new proposal doesn't please everyone, for some Thais feel the land will be speculated out of the range of most Thais other than those speculating of rising property prices, so that Thailand will be bought by farangs.

Most Thais already think that foreigners own 74% of the nation.

Not my father-in-law.

Den knows his land is 100% his, although he would sell out in a heartbeat for the right price.

As for the 49% foreign quota for condominiums, the government will be checking to see in all condos are actually condos and not villas.

Overall this sounds like good news, but the process will take three sittings of Parliament, so don't hold your breath.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/pattaya-beach-scam.htm

Burma Junta Slam Dunks Elections

Struck by a vicious cyclone the Burmese people responded to the military junta's concentrated lack of aid by giving their rulers 92% of the vote to approve the new constitution bestow eternal rule on the generals. Surprisingly over 2 million citizens voted against the proposal. Now that the referendum is complete, UN officials are hoping that SLORC allows foreign aid to accelerate for the needy survivors of the cyclone.

Like they really care?

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/the-worst-of-the-worst-slorc.htm

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

High Water Mark Pattaya


Songkran marks the official start of the low season and this year promises to be a lean one. Gas prices and tight credit are impacting the West. Perennial visitors to Pattaya are cutting back on both the length of their stays and the number of trips they take this year. Bar girls are starving for sum tam.

Where are our farangs?

Money has disappeared into gas tanks and the age of cheap fun seems to have come to an end. This economic downswing might accomplish sanitizing Pattaya. No farangs. No sex bars. Cheaper rents. Mom and Dad entertainment for the Asian masses.

Pattaya.

The new Disneyworld only this time for kids.

Farewell Babylon by the Sea.

How fondly I shall remember thee.

For a related articles click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/come-all-ye-faithful-to-babylon-ie-pattaya.htm

Fat Guys in Prison


I've spent an hour in Pattaya jail awaiting trial for a civil suit. I ordered khao-gai for the jailers. As much as I wanted. From what I heard from those unfortunates incarcerated for longer periods than 60 minutes, the diet in Thai prisons is very lean. Rice and more rice but never enough, which would not be good for those obese prisoners in the USA who are complaining that they are being starved by their jailers.

One plump accused murderer has even gone as far as to sued the State of Arkansas for cruel and unusual punishment, since his weight dropped over 50 kilos during his 8-month wait for trial, despite the jail providing more than 3000 calories a day to inmates.

"After a meal my stomach starts growling an hour later. I'm hungry. The only reason I lost weight is that I'm being starved to death."

Hearing the inmates plight several hundred overweight people have applied for the draconian diet plan to lose tons of unwanted weight. The prison authorities say they haven't figured out a price structure for the treatment. expect a crime wave from the obese.

"You can never be too thin." - Babe Paley

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/evolution-of-man.htm

Welcome to New York

stupid1.jpgstupid1.jpgstupid1.jpg

My export business in Pattaya failed after the cyber-crime police raided my house. I was without funds for the three months prior to trial for copyright infringement and my finances soon mimicked Zimbabwe. I could have toughed it out, except the economic climate in Pattaya was also dire. The westerners in this town pride themselves on not lending a helping hand to farangs in need mostly because it’s the one commodity Pattaya creates in surplus.

The only viable option was re-inventing my life in America and I bid farewell to my wife, daughter, and pregnant mistress. “I’ll be back.”

My flight from Bangkok to Taipei to Anchorage to JFK lasted the longest Sunday of my life. Gone were palm trees, elephants, mangoes, and the faces of the ones I love. Hello to Manhattan, my home of 27 years. My friends had promised a soft landing. I drank wine. They laughed at my stories. I went out at night. I thought this isn’t too bad. At a gallery opening Vlad, the young Russian warned, “You shouldn’t leave your bag unattended.”

“Not to worry.” I had placed it in the corner.

“This is New York. I can trust the people here. As far as my eyesight.”

Baby-faced Vlad was not so sure and his mistrust was well-founded, for in the blink of an eye someone had dipped their hand into my bag to purloin my camera along with my address book.

I cursed myself for being a fool. An old fool, then remembered what my Irish grandmother said, “Whatever you lose wasn’t yours to begin with.”

Welcome to New York indeed.

If I can’t make it here, I can’t make it anywhere.

for a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/anamorph-2007-movie.htm

Thai Navy Seals

Few people traveling along Route 331 from Satthahip to the Isaan Plateau realize this highway was built by the US Military in the 1960s. The Friendship Highway connected the Thai Navy base with several large airfields operated by the US Air Force throughout the Viet-Nam War. Those airfields are now quiet, however Satthahip remains one of the most important naval installations in Southeast Asia and every May the Thai military host Cobra Gold, a large military exercise involving the troops of the USA, Singapore, Malaysia, and various other nations of the Pacific Rim.

While most troops practice amphibious tactics at the main base, smaller groups of high-trained troops congregate on the idyllic archipelego stretching south into the Gulf of Siam for the intensive training regime of the Thai Navy Seals, whose home base of Koh SamaeSan is located across the channel from the isolated fishing port of Ban Samaesarn.

Sensing a need for a similar strategy during the Cold War, Thailand found the Thai Navy Seals in 1953 to provide Thailand with a fast-reaction unit to defend national sovereignty as well as provide the Royal Thai Fleet with naval warfare support such as underwater demolition and coastal reconnaiscence. The US Navy Seals supervised the training of these first units and to this day retain a working relationship with their Thai counterparts scouting, and quick-response missions destined to counter the threat of terrorists.

While boaters are allowed to anchor off-shore from these islands for fishing and diving, actually landing on the beaches is prohibited by the Thai Navy, although with the recent opening of the Coral Islands Museum in Ban Samaesarn tourists are guided on special tours arranged by the Thai Navy Seals. I’ve been lucky enough to accompany these guardians of the sea for the filming of an episode of the highly-popular Thai TV show THE NAVIGATOR starring Tik Jasadaporn. We dove in gin-clear waters for two hours and had lunch on the veranda of the Thai Navy Seals barracks on an island paradise.

While many of the Seals come from inland provinces far from the sea, most are happy to have discovered a love for the sea and each man is proud to follow the tradition of King Taksin, who liberate Ayutthaya through an innovative use of smaller water-borne guerilla fighters to weaken his enemy's lines of supply and every year an undisclosed number of candidates are subjected to a rigorous regime of special naval warfare designed to test the limits of each sailors' physical and mental limits.

Those successful graduates join several elite platoons stationed along the long sea coast of Thailand, where they are further instructed by the special forces of the Australian, German, and the USA special forces, however in recent years the role of the Thai Navy Seal has evolved from a strictly military option into a marine force dedicated to protecting the sea itself.

Sailors are taught about the oceans, the sustainability of fishing stocks, and pollution in accordance with the Thai Navy's greater awareness of the world in which we live. Each Seal is an expert in preservative diving thanks to courses at the Chulaborn Research institute and cooperate with local authorities to help save marine life by clearing garbage from Pattaya Bay or setting up tether floats for diving boats in the Andaman Sea. On Koh Samaesarn the soldiers gather up thousands of plastic bottles from the beaches to help supplement their income and pass on their knowledge to the fishermen trawling the sea to promote the health of the seas.

April 17 celebrates the anniversary of the Thai Navy Seals. Both the nation and the Thai Navy salute this unit for their unceasing devotion to the sea, especially at their marine facilities at Ban Samaesarn.

To reach Ban Samesarn head south from Sukhumbit on Route 3126 past the U-tapao Airfield and turn left at the signs for Ban Samaesarn. The road will lead pass the shore into town where you drive right to the museum entrance.

Entrance 100 baht for Thai Nationals and 200 baht for Westerners.

Boat tours can be arranged at the pier under the town’s temple.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/pattaya-beach-report-ban-samae-san.htm

Thai Woman have Lousy Sex

The first time I had sex with a Thai woman, she writhed in passion with her bones crackling like popcorn. She said, "I finish many times. You #1."

I was very proud of myself, until hearing the same line during several subsequent encounters.

Either it was the truth or a lie and I was man enough to admit that perhaps these women might have been faking their ardor, especially in light of a recent survey stating that 70% of Thai women don't experience an orgasm during sex. Nothing. No feeling. Lousy sex while 79% of Thai men say they have good sex without caring about their partner's needs. I believe that because western females also complain about the lack of vigor from their companions, then again one has to realize that for the early part of a man's life we are forbidden by women to touch their breasts or any other erogenous zones, so that by the time women actually want foreplay we've been preconditioned to think it's taboo.

This theory comes from Nick Hornsby's HIGH FIDELITY, but I have heard many Thai women swear that they never had an orgasm with their Thai boyfriend.

"He too quick. Only care for him."

Also Thai women have a problem with feeling free, since good girls wouldn't enjoy sex.

Only dok thongs or sluts.

Not so, because while you can eat love, it sure fills the heart when two come together as one.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/ever-so-lonely.htm

DC Madam Stages Early Departure

The DC Madam took a small step for mankind by hanging herself rather than facing 3-4 years in hard time. Conspiracy fanatics are blaming the usual suspects; CIA, FBI, Eliot Spitzer, but unfortunately the poor woman probably took matters into her own hands for as Graham Greene wrote in THE COMEDIANS, "Suicide is the act of a true mathematician who has calculated that the odds to continue are worst than the odds to end it all."

Sadly this woman died for a crime where they are no victims other than those persecuted to the full extent of the law.

We all pay for it.

The guy on a date. The teenage at the movies. Eliot Spitzer's $4500.

Guilty as charged.

Me too.

But to hang yourself in her mother's backyard shed.

Something ain't right about that.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/famous-for-never-short-by-peter-nolan-smith.htm

Japanese Porn Champ

Most people lie about their weight and height. Even fewer men will admit to surfing the internet for porno, despite 99% of the sites on the Web are geared for that purpose. XXX is certainly more entertaining than youtubes.com, but all pleasures have their limit, except for a Japanese government worker with so many visits to porno sites that he should have gotten a medal.

Instead his 780,000 visits in 9 months earned the 57 year-old a monthly salary reduction of $190 from his employer, the local council, who discovered the worker's furious foray into the cyberworld of sex after the system was infected with a virus. The Kinokawa government should have been using Macs instead of PCs, since most viruses target Windows programs.

Obviously his productivity must have suffered during this binge, then again he was a bureaucrat and how hard can it be pushing around paper in a paperless world?

At his peak the man was accessing 20 sites a minute.

Probably for a personal research project.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/dick-cheneys-sex-vision-googles.htm

Bet on Thai

The now not-so-new Thai government has been pushing for the legalization of casino to reap the ill-gotten gains of the various casinos dotting the Thai border. 8 casinos in Poipet alone and none of them as glamorous as Reno, because no one goes to Poipet for the magic.

Thais love to gamble whether betting on football games, boxing matches, the lottery or playing cards. The nation loves Man United for its winning ability to beat the point spread and rail against Man City's failure to repeat their crosstown rival's propensity for victory. Chok dii or good luck is considered as valuable as a good education and Thais go to extraordinary lengths to assure their fortune, such as mystical tattoos and spiritual penis amulets. Many gamblers ask monks to divine numbers for the underground lottery or huay dtai din through an astute regard for how many times a dog wags its tail to the number of eggs a chicken lays. Anything to keep chok raii or bad luck at bay.

It's estimated that 70% of the adult population gamble. mostly playing pok deng, a simple card game where two cards are dealt and then a third to see who gets closest to nine. Gambling is illegal in Thailand and the police routinely raid villages to arrest small time card sharks. Sometimes with only several hundred baht in the pot. Maybe a little more slides sideways for tea money or sin bon.

Many farangs have witnessed their good girlfriend suddenly becoming more devoted to cards than a Carmelite nun to Jesus and the first signs of this are vanishing possessions. Money from your wallet. The TV and the traditional, "Someone stole my motorcycle."

Despite this rampant madness the present Thai government is considering the legalization of casinos in Chiang Mai, Phuket, and Pattaya to compete with the Cambodian gaming halls along the border crossings most notably in Poipet. Politicians figure if anyone deserves to bilk the Thai people, then it's the Thais.

Thai Rak Thai indeed.

My uncle had casinos in the south of France and said no one ever won in the long run.

I discovered that on a disastrous trip to Perlata outside of Barcelona. Lost everything.

All you have to do is see the shoes of the gamblers tramping from Cambodia to know that the house always wins.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/thailand-scores-2-in-corruption.htm

Samak's Loose Cannon

Frank Sinatra had little respect for the Press, especially after a female Australian reporter slept with him to get a story. It wasn't about his toupee. Old Blue Eyes later caught flak for saying, "All reporters are whores."

Most politicians shared this sentiment and none more obvious than Thailand's Prime Minister Samak who asked a female reporter, "Did you have sinful sex last night?"

She didn't lower herself with a retort, probably since most Bangkok professionals, male and female, have sacrificed their romantic life for careers and also she might have been stumped as to what constituted sinful sex or pet sam-pan ga-lee the last word referring to Shiva's wicked wife, Kali.

The prime minister confessed that he was a straight talker, but didn't see anything wrong with using sexual connotations in his criticisms of reporters or his use of crude language such as Tham (Low), Heng Suay (Suck) or Laeo (Bad).

"I call it as I see it." This attitude has earned the respect of the lower classes who hold the media in contempt.

And with good reason.

Anyone who has been told too many lies can never believe the truth.

Thai Prison Time

Nothing says you're screwed in a foreign country more than getting arrested by the police, although in Thailand if you have money then you're luckier than most, because you can pay your way out of jail.

Bail.

But nothing says you're fucked more than getting send to prison and for a good blog of this subject go to the following URL

http://www.thaiprisonlife.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=74&Itemid=99

This is as close as any of us want to go.

No beds, no forks, no freedom and close living quarters.

Certainly not another day in paradise.

For a related article click on this URL

Wife Tell Samak Hoop-Barg

PM Samak has been speaking his mind freely and certain people have been telling the PM to hoop barg or shut up. He even went so far as to cancel his weekly interview supposedly because his wife told him he was making as bigger fool of himself than Obama’s Reverend Wright.

Some reporters suggested that it wasn’t his wife but pu-yai or big people who suggested that the fiery PM shut his hole, but he said, “Nope, just that dumb bitch, my wife.”

Speeding on the Bangkok Motorway

Speeding on the Bangkok Motorway

I have a Toyota Altis 1.8. The poor man’s BMW, although my Thai relative refer to the car as a souped-up taxi cab. Normally I drive from Pattaya to Chai-Nat detouring onto Route 7 to avoid the predatory cops on the elevated motorway, although sometimes when the traffic is light I zoom through Bangkok to cut 50 Kms off the trip. Once I was stopped by the police at the tollbooth. I had done nothing wrong, but the officer said something was amiss with my license plate. He tried to negotiate for a 1000 baht fine. I told him I had 100 baht. My wife had the rest. He waved me on with disgust.

Farang kee-neo.

The Nation reported that the motorway police have enlisted a new weapon into their repertoire.

The radar gun, so anyoen going over the 120 KPH speed limit will be subjected to a fine, since the actual speed limit on the Motorway is 80 KPH.

Years ago I drove to Berlin through East Germany. The speed limit was 90. Any faster and the DDR cops stopped with with machine guns drawn to extort the $100 fine. This announcement by the Thai cops mean they will be turning back the clock to the time of Emil Honecker, the DDR dictator.

“Do not fear, we will not be going after anyone traveling faster than 120,” the leading police officer assured the public. “We are only after habitual speeders.”

Habitual means everyone.

In 2007 over 29,000 speeding violations were prosecuted to the fullest penalty of 500 baht. More than 5000 were women and the police said nearly 61,000 violators were caught by radar, meaning you have a 50/50 chance of not having the fine by blowing past the cops if you can outrun them. The fastest radared by 227 KPH, which is well below the European record set by a BMW 7 series at 325 KPH on the French Autoroute outside Strasbourg. The fastest I’ve driven on the Bangkok motorway is 170 KPH and I once drove a VW GTI Golf at 240 on the Belgian highway. I thought the speedometer was broken.

Not to worry too much about this new crackdown. The police are targeting cars twice a day, twice a week or four times a week at rush hours and never on Saturdays and Sundays when they’re recovering from hangovers financed from their unreported traffic stops plus the police are supposedly going to post signs saying ’speed traps ahead’ in Thai and English.

Doesn’t get any better than that.

Monday, May 5, 2008

15 Seconds with Andy Warhol


I like Campbell's Tomato Soup, especially if you add milk as suggested by the directions. It was good. Everyone ate it. The rich, the poor, the in-between, so I was pleased to read in Life Magazine form 1962 that a New York artist had painted large portraits on the popular soup can. My mother thought Andy Warhol's works was funny, but my father thought it was trash.

"I bet you could do as a good version with your crayons," my father said the same thing about movies without ever letting me touch his Bell & Howell movie camera. He bet my next-door neighbor $5 I could replicate the painting to perfection. After all my grade in art at St. Mary's of the Foothills. I got out my crayons and a large white sheet on paper as well as a ruler and a compass. I wanted to do this right, because while the big paintings cost $1500 an autographed can of the real soup only cost $6 and I already had $2.

Andy Warhol had only used four colors; red, black, white, and gold. I had no trouble with the first three, however couldn't get the gold stars right no matter how much I tried and forget the gold inlaid into the word 'SOUP'. My ten attempts to mimic his paintings ended up thrown into the trash can. Andy Warhol was a real artist like Van Gogh or Michaelangelo and the entourage surrounding him in the factory were like circus entertainers without the lions, tigers, and trapeze, although one long-haired poet had a whip. They made movies about nothing. Sometimes the girls were naked. Other times the men. None of these filsm appeared at the South Shore Drive-In. I wanted to runaway to New York and join them, except I was 12 and trapped in my suburb south of Boston.

Newspapers and magazines praised and vilified Warhol's art and he retorted by saying Art was a good name for a man. His life was more important than his art. His bohemian friends were superstars. Their names were legend to an increasing number of Catholic school students on the verge of rejecting church-work-family-heaven. Public school kids too, although most boys thought Andy was queer. I knew he was something else without knowing what that was and thought if I met the artist he could ignite the flames of celebrity within me.

One problem.

The South Shore of Boston was not Manhattan.

I grew older without surrendering my ambition. It was simply hidden under mediocre grades and lackluster sports performances, until in May 1968 I heard that the Velvet Underground were playing at the Boston Tea Party. Paris was in flames. Revolution was in the air. Warhol was filming his proteges' concert. Maybe the camera would capture me. All I needed was 15 seconds to catapult me to fame and I planned on attending the show with my girlfriend, Kyla Rolla, except the blonde year-old cheerleader wanted to see The Doors at the Uptown Bus.

"Jim Morrison's sexy."

There was no way I could refuse her and The Doors performed to about 40 girls and me. Everyone else was at the Boston Tea Party, although they said Warhol never showed up to film the set. Less than a month later Valerie Solanas shot Warhol and the Factory slowly disbanded for security reasons. My time to shine has passed without a chance to be exploited other than by Catholic priests who were more interested in angelic altar boys than C+ student.

I became an anti-war protester with long hair. Beer was replaced by pot. My grades at university dropped into Cs. I graduated sin laude and worked at South Boston High School as a substitute teacher during the Busing Riots of 1975. I never made it on TV. The reporters only filmed my students fighting each other and the State Troopers trying to stop the disturbances. Warhol made no comment about the city's racial division and to be truthful I sort of forgot all about him, as my interests turned to a young Carolina painter in Brooklyn. I thought I was in love and that it would last forever. I quit my job and moved to New York in a stolen car. She left three days later to study art in Paris.

I needed a job and a gay bartender said Serendipity 3 was in need of busboys. I had heard the name before and hey said, "Warhol comes there sometimes."

Mr. Bruce, the owner, took one look at my semi-Neanderthalic feature and hired me on the spot. "Our customers like rough trade."

Rough trade was not really a compliment, then again Mr. Bruce wasn't Bruce Lee. His moustache curled upward like scimitars and his lisp hissed like an over-boiled tea pot. All the waiters and busboys had female nicknames. Mine was Pebbles. I was the most macho busboy in the precious ice cream shop. Still there was no sighting of Andy Warhol. He seemed to only visit on my off-shifts. Mr. Bruce said, "Andy likes preppy boys. Blue oxford shirts, navy blue blazer, khakis, and penny loafers. Not really your style."

Mr. Bruce was right. I was hanging out at CBGBs after work with the pastry chef, Klaus Nomi. He wasn't Andy Warhol's type either. We wore black leather and torn jeans. I went to the back rooms of the West Village with Klaus, who was far too perverse to be anyone's darling. One night some gaybashers tried to attack some queers on West Street. I stopped them with a broken beer bottle. A nightclub owner on West 62nd Street heard about the incident and asked if I wanted to work the door at Hurrah's, a punk disco. The pay for a bouncer was $100/night and all I could drink. Opening night featured the Ramones and the Police. I gave my notice at Serendipity and told the boys to come visit me. They liked straight boys just like Andy Warhol.

The club was a hit. Not as big a Studio 54, but big names came on big nights. Mostly rockers and movie people. I knew their names. they knew mine. I could get them in free. No one took my picture. I was unknown and destined to stay that way, since I was too common to catch the eye of anyone powerful enough to rescue me from beign a doorman, then one night when Divine was playing at the club with Klaus Nomi I spotted Andy Warhol's name on the guest list.

Andy could save me if i looked like one of his preppy boys and I dressed in a Jaeger blazer, white button-down shirt, blue jeans, and Gucci loafers. It was as close as I could get to his ideal. Everyone working at the club was surprised by my attire and asked if I was going to a funeral.

"No, I'm getting out of here."

"None of them could figure out why and I didn't tell them to avoid any extra competition.

Klaus laughed at my changed appearance.

"You look like you're going to trial."

In some ways I was and my anxiety rose, as it appeared like Andy Warhol wasn't going to show up at the club.

I helped Klaus to the stage and returned to the door with a beer. Drunkenness was my favorite treatment for disappointment, but as I lifted the Heineken to my lips a Lincoln Town Car stopped at the curb. Three blonde boys got out of the back. They looked like Groton seniors. Andy emerged after them. His wig shone as white as a full moon in a smoky sky. People stopped on the sidewalk in awe. Cars braked on 62nd Street. Time was coming to a stop and I fought to break out of my star-struck paralysis to put down my beer.

Everyone in the foyer turned their heads and opened a path for the White Mole of Union Square. No one said a word. Andy ignored everyone, but the three boys. His eyes fell on me and he said, "I'm on the list."

"Plus three." I opened the velvet ropes and he thanked me without a tip.

The entire incident took 10 seconds.

Later Klaus exited with Andy, the three boys, and Divine. Klaus walked by me without a nod. Their departure lasted 5 seconds.

Total time with Andy.

15 seconds and not one of them gleamed with fame.

I was a nobody, but good at being a nobody too and that skill has lasted more than 15 seconds.

More like a lifetime and I still like Campbell's Tomato Soup even without Andy Warhol's autograph.

It's cheaper.