Yesterday my friend Allison invited me to lunch. The rendezvous was set at the best Italian restaurant on the nisland. She said order what I wanted. I was her guest.
"What's the fish of the day?" I asked the very nice waiter.
"Mahi-Mahi with a vegetable cole slaw."
"Perfect." I spotted at the bottom of the menu that the restaurant management cautioned against fish for those with delicate stomach, but I'm from Maine. We are born with the sea in our blood.
During lunch Allison tells this arcane story about her last affair with a mad writer.
"It was like making love to a corpse."
Lunch was much more delightful, but afterwards I experienced hot flashes like I was entering the last stages of menopause. My fart was a shart. Spikes of steel were being driven into my head. I feared this was the fatal heart attack and readied myself for death. I was loved by two women, had no money in the bank, and my funeral would be a simple one. I could dealt with that coda, except I felt like a CIA rendition squad was torturing an Arab cabdriver in my stomach. I wasn't dying. This was food poisoning and I called the restaurant to warn them against serving any more of that fish.
"Oh, but food poisoning takes 24 hours." The manager said with conviction.
"Not in the case of fish. That takes 20 minutes." I didn't want one of those blue-haired heiresses that I've been trying to seduce dying before I could divest them of their fortune, but I told him, "Do what you want. It's not my business if you kill someone."
Allison called later to see if I had recovered.
"No, I feel my three ex-wives are fighting over my corpses."
"I hope you feel better."
And the next morning I did especially after reading these quotes she send me about health.
QUOTES;
"The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease." Voltaire
"My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August." Ronnie Shakes
"The poorest man would not part with health for money, but the richest would gladly part with all their money for health." -- Charles Caleb Cotton
"Nature can refuse to speak, but she cannot give a wrong answer." -- Charles Brenton Huggin
"When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his forties shouldn’t play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again." ---- Hugo Black
"40 is the old age of youth; 50 is the youth of old age." --- French proverb
"I have everything now I had 20 years ago - except now it's all lower." ---- Gypsy Rose Lee
"A man is as old as his arteries" -- Tom Syndenham
"Middle-age has been said to be the time of a man's life when, if he has two choices for an evening, he takes the one that gets him home earlier." -- Alvan Barach
"People are the only animals to eat themselves to death"
"There's another advantage of being poor --- a doctor will cure you faster." Frank McKinney Hubbard
"After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse." W.C. Fields
"If you are physically sick, you can elicit the interest of a battery of physicians; but if you are mentally sick, you are lucky if the janitor comes around." -- Martin H. Fischer
"The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptoms is often hard to deal with: sudden death." -- Michael Phelps
"There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age." -- Benjamin Spock
"The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your body and get interested in somebody else's." --- Goodman Ace
"A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care." --- George Bernard Shaw
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." --- Erma Bombeck
"Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at any time, madame: that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals." Pierre-Augustin De Beaumarchais, The Marriage of Figaro
"Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money." Arthur Miller, Death of A Salesman
"Several excuses are always less convincing than one" Aldous Huxley
"There is only one corner of the universe where you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self." -- Aldous Huxley
"A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it" -- George Moore
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