Sick Buffalo for Everyone

Several years ago my wife's brother-in-law received a phone call from his brother. His favorite buffalo was sick and needed Bok's expert attention. It was 8pm. Starlight cannot pierce the black night west of the Chao Phra River and Bok's eyes aren't so good, so he enlisted his 16 year-old son, Beer, to chauffeur him on this mission of mercy.

Buffaloes run about 10-20K baht. Thai farmers give them names and sing to them in the rice fields. Some people call it love and urgency coupled with youth necessitated Beer's driving at 80kph. Way too fast to see a rice tractor parked on the side of the road. The driver was pissing in the bushes. The motorcycle hit the tractor's rice wagon. Beer flew like Superman for ten meters.

His father's flight could be measured in centimeters.

Neither of them died, but Beer suffered two broken arms and Bok fractured his leg in three places.

All for a sick buffalo.

Anyone frequenting Thailand has heard the 'sick buffalo' story from their wives or girlfriends.

"Kwaii sick. Need money."

The story has become a joke and my friend, Jamie, thinks up-country Thais rent a sick buffalo to prove the existence of this ailing bovine. "It's called RENT-A-SICK-KWAII."

Millions of baht had been dedicated to the health of sick buffaloes throughout Isaan. Could even be billions, although until hearing Bok's story I thought the only people who heard the tale were farangs.

"How is the sick buffalo now?" I asked my wife over the phone.

"Buffalo good. Bok Beer no good. You come see them."

"Sure, why not?" I rented a car and drove north of Bangkok to Chai-Nat. A ferry carried me across the Chao Phyra River a little after sunset. 10 klicks out of Wat Sing my telephone service died, but I knew my way around the dirt roads.

Bok's new house was lit. My wife and daughter were waiting. We hadn't seen each other since Songkran. She hates Pattaya. My daughter lovees the beach and me. she hugged me and we ate. Sleep comes early in the country and I read myself into the night.>

In the morning we went to the hospital in Chai-nat.

Beer was released into Nu's care and we visited Bok.

His leg was swollen an ugly shade of yellow.

His wife was hungry and the women left him with me.

"So why did you have to go see your brother."

"He had a sick buffalo."

"Mai shua." I didn't believe him. "You brother called you up to drink with him."

Bok lifted his finger. "Not say. Sick buffalo better story."

"Sick buffalo? I see sick buffalo in bed." I was seeing the 'sick buffalo' in its purest form.

"Stop. Not make me laugh."

"Sum num nah."

"Now no lao, no cigarette. Very not happy."

"Just like me and my skateboard." Two Februaries ago I had tried to skateboard down a steep hill. I reached about 30kph within three seconds and struck a rock. Airborne. My body crashed to the pavement. Nu and her family were in the car.

Everyone had a big laugh and joked for months about my skateboard skills.

I think 'sick buffalo' will be a bigger joke in the years to come., because even you a farang can used the water buffalo excuse. It's a lie every wants to believe when they don't want to hear the truth.