Dildo Gun Robbery

Pattaya attracted all kinds in the 20th Century. While managing my clothing website, I ran into a German running the same internet business. Ralf and I became friends. We drank together at bars catering to Thais. Neither of us had many farang friends. One night he confided to me that as a teenager he had robbed German banks as a teenager. His modus operandi was for his gang of three motorcyclist to storm into a branch bank, fire a shotgun into the ceiling, grab as much money as they could in 40 seconds and then flee on their bikes 30,000 Deutschmarks richer. He made it almost sound professional, although most bank robberies are acts of desperate men or women as opposed to skilled thieves. Somehow these unfortunates have watched too many movies. Several years ago one UK robber must have spent too many hours watching porno, for he tried to rob a betting shop with a dildo. A local newspaper reported; "Last December Nicki Jex raided the Ladbrokes shop in Leicester, pretending he had a gun in a paper bag. Instead it was his girlfriend's Rampant Rabbit vibrator, which he pointed at the frightened female clerk.

600 pounds in his pocket and he fled, but was captured thanks to the CCTV camera inside the shop. The attending judge was not amused and the robber was sentenced to five years in jail."

Robbery with intent to sexual abuse is no laughing matter in England, unless you're into that kind of thing and we know how wicked the English can be. Last week in Pattaya an upper-class British septuagenarian revealed at dinner that as an officer he had been reviewed by Princess Margaret in Germany. Gregory had stood at salute in his tank turret while his driver fellated him in honour of Queen and Country.

"We are a wicked people. Everyone knows that Shirley Bassey liked golden showers from her gay friends."

"Shirley Bassey. Golden showers?" The singer of GOLDFINGER had starred in the UK's most popular Tv Show in the 1970s.

"It was champagne to her lips." Gregory spoke as if he had seen the Lady with the Golden Lungs quaffing the yellow liquid.

Afterwards I scoured Google without finding a single direct reference to Shirley Bassey and then cross-referenced to golden showers robbery. Also nothing, but then some fool might take inspiration from this legend and show up at a bank with a full bladder.

"Gimme the money or else I'll pee on you."

"What else can you expect from the hoi polloi. photo is Leslie Neilson with an out-of control dildo gun. He was a very funny man.