YOU BET I WOULD by Peter Nolan Smith

During my 2009 trip through the American Midlands filming Barry Flanagan statues for my British friend's film the two of us detoured from our route to meet Colonel Rockford Ret. in Iowa City. We began the evening drinking at a sports bar. The bartender was just back from his third tour in Iraq. We toasted his return with tequila shots. After the third Brock Dundee, Rockford, and I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. A trio of Bud Lite drinkers were disparaging the President in the alley. "I don't know how we elected a nigger." The fattest was leading the hate parade. He looked like he had played second-string linebacker in high school. I clenched my fists. Brock was alarmed by this. My fuse was short these days. I hadn't seen my family in months. Thailand was on the other side of the world. "Don't start anything." Rockford grabbed my arm. "It's not the place." "Assholes." I glared at the trio. They had heard me. I turned to my friends. "John Wayne said it best about JFK." "I didn't vote for him, but he is my president." Brock beat me to the punchline. "I might not be American, but I do like John Wayne." The three of us traded opinions about our favorite John Wayne films. I picked TRUE GRIT and Brock classically voted for John Ford's THE SEARCHERS, while Brock surprised us with his choice. "WE WERE EXPENDABLE. It's set in the Philippines. A PT boat crew trying to escape the Japs." The old appellations lived long in Iowa. I let the three locals vent their frustration at having a black Muslim communist illegal alien as president. I stubbed out my cigarette and walked toward the entrance to the bar. The skinniest of the three was feeling his oats and boasted to his friends, "This country was founded on Conservative values; church, family, and flag." "That's it." I stormed over and pointed my finger in his face. "This country was founded on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, so shut the fuck up about 'Conservative values'."

"I can say anything____" The oldest started to say, then thought better of challenging my edict. "Good idea to shut your hole and I don't want to hear any muttering either." I walked inside the bar and ordered a Stella. I hated Bud Lite. Brock and Rockford joined me two seconds later. I looked out the door. The three locals were gone from the alley. >"What about the Freedom of Speech?" Colonel Rockford was a firm believer in speaking your mind.

"Fuck the Freedom of Speech. It's an amendment to the Constitution." I was more than angry after eight years of hearing Conservatives bullshit about family values. "I'll say what I want and I'll tell anyone to shut up when I want too. That's my Freedom of Speech."

"I don't think that phrasing was guaranteed by the Constitution." My Brock politely interjected and then added, "And to be truthful this country is very conservative. Look at what happened to your Senator Gary Hart in 1988."

"Gary Hart?" I hadn't thought about the Colorado senator in years.

"Yes, he was the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination in the 1988 election." My British friend's erudite tones had nearby drinkers listening to his every word. "Right up to the moment when the Miami Herald published photos of Donna Rice sitting on his lap."

"On the yacht MONKEY BUSINESS." Colonel Rockford had a good memory for a man in his early-60s.

"Aptly named. The Senator denied there was an 'hanky-panky'. Even his wife said the relationship was innocent."

"The wife is always the last to know." Colonel Rockford signaled the bartender for tequila.

"His poll rankings sunk to the point where he only received 4000 votes in the New Hampshire primary, but if he had said, "Sure I screwed Donna and so would you all, Gary Hart would have received every male vote and free love vote in America, because people here and in the rest of the world are sinners. Not Conservative, but fun-loving happiness seekers. But no one likes a liar other than those people who don't want to look at themselves in a mirror."

We returned to our drinks and Brock said, "America may be Conservative, but most Americans thought that Gary Hart's indiscretion had little to do with his ability to be president."

"And they got Dukakis to run against Bush." I remembered the photo of Dukakis' head sticking out of a tank. He would have looked just as silly with Donna Rice on his lap.

"Now that was one unsexy guy." Colonel Rockford shivered with the memory of that election. "I voted Communist that year. Gus Hall I think. And he was even more unsexy. You're right, Brock. All Gary Hart had to have done was say, "I fucked her and so would you." and he would have been president." "Who was Donna Rice." "She was a hot blonde." Unlike John Wayne movies the three of us were in complete agreement on that subject. And that's the beauty of Free Speech. Agreeing with your friends.