Vee For Victory

"Kids are us."

US Intelligence Agencies have failed to capture Al-Quada founder Osama Bin-Laden. Billions have been wasted by the CIA, NSA, and FBI, however Los Angeles prosecutors have been succeeded in having Swiss authorities arrest the director Roman Polanski to face sentencing for a 30 year-old crime of child molestation. The french government expressed outrage and a myriad of film celebrities championed the Academy winner. Even the victim sought forgiveness for her violator.

Under-age sex, quaaludes, and a hot tub sounded like a good idea in 1978.

Sound good now too, except it's a against the law.

This didn't bother Woody Allen, who announced his support for Roman Polanski.

Woody's no hypocrite, having suffering severe criticism for marrying his adopted daughter. reporters have sought out the opinion of Gary Glitter on this matter. The singer of ROCK-N-ROLL PART 2 has not entered into the fray and Roman Polanski can only be thankful the convicted child molestor has kept his mouth shut.

he could only wish that Woody Allen has done the same.

2010 Darwin Award Contestants

Darwin furthered the theory that Mankind's domination of the planet was the result of survival of the fittest. Joyce Brothers attributed our supremacy to the fact that we smell bad and taste even worse to predators, however my opinion is that we have survived the onslaught of the ages, because we're too stupid to realize our precarious at the top of the heap and the above photos prove my point.

In spades.

Gun and Booze ala Cat Ballou

Driving across country in the 70s was a rite of passage for hippie late-comers. Boston - Frisco could be driven in less than 50 hours, but a week on the backroads felt more like Kerouac's ON THE ROAD. In 1974 my good friend Andy, a flaxen blonde coed from Harvard and I motored west in a drive-away car. A Station wagon. Its destination - Lodi outside of Sacremento.

The fifth day we crossed the Colorado border into Utah. US Route 191. Night fell fast on the high plains. Darkness erased the desert scenery. Two-lanes of black asphalt straightlined into Roosevelt, Utah. A speck on the map,except I spotted the lights of a bar. THE ID LOUNGE. I insisted on having a beer there.

"I don't think it's a good idea." Andy was a pot smoker. The coed agreed with him. She wanted to make time.

"I'm thirsty and we owe Freud the honor of drinking in his name." I swerved off the road into the scrabble dirt parking lot. Mostly pick-ups. The clientele was a mix of farmers and cowboys. The jukebox was playing Merle Haggard. MAMA TRIED. I ordered a beers. Olympias. I sang along with Merle. Andy shook his head. he hated the way i tried to meld into the crowd like I came from nowhere.

Two men sat at the nearest table. A goat-roper and a sodbuster. They challenged each other to an arm-wrestling contest. The prize was the next round. The cowboy lost, but said, "I might have lost that contest, but I could kick your ass in the alley out back."

The farmer retorted with a sucker punch to the cowboys skull. A general melee ensued between the two camps. The coed fled the bar well before Andy and I figured that these people probably knew each other from childhood and if they didn't have any trouble fighting each other then they would even be more freehanded when it came to stomping hippie strangers.

Leaving Roosevelt Utah for the first and last time of my life the coed said, "Smart move."

"None of us got hurt."

I could say that then because back in 1974 most bar fight were with fists.

All that could change in Arizona whose enlightened legislators have legalized carrying guns into a bar. The NRA is ecstatic, although anyone carrying a gun isn't allowed to drink, making drinkers wonder why would a bar want armed non-drinkers in their establishments.

"Bad things happen in bars and restaurants. People want to carry a gun and if the facility owner doesn't have a problem with it, there shouldn't be a problem. If a person starts drinking and gets in a shootout and kills someone, of course they're subject to criminal prosecution."

Responsible drinking and responsible shooting.

"Motherfucker was looking at my beer wrong."

Having been in many a bad-mannered bar I could also condone the occasional shooting of a big mouth as long as that big mouth wasn't me, but until then I'm steering clear of drinking in Arizona bars. Unless of course I'm strapping, then I'm just as much a man as the next.

The Fears of Fear

The security cop Joe at the diamond exchange is on a liquid diet. A couple of Buds for Breakfast. A few for lunch and then another two for his afternoon break. JOe's an ex-cop, so he knows his limits. His words get slurred, but he is always ever-vigilant against a theft.

Today a gypsy couple were seeking to buy a cheap 'bluff' stone.

"7 Carat." The woman had been attractive ten years ago. Dark lights and nakedness would have reverse the flow of time, but like all gypsy women she was faithful to her man.

"Sorry, I don't have anything like it and I don't think anyone else on the street has an inexpensive stone." I knew that because Billy the Gypo had been looking for one to replace the stone he hawked to support a gambling binge. His wife had him sleeping on the sofa. Not in the living room, but the porch and it was getting cold.

They tried a few distractions. Joe came over to the counter. Richie Boy, my boss, warned that they were looking to rob me.

"You really thinking to rip me off?" I had to ask them.

"Why you say that?"

"Because you're gypsies, but you look like a nice couple."

The woman loved that line and promised to come back with money to buy a 36-inch diamond necklace.

"I'll hold my breath." Richie Boy muttered after they left the exchange.

"I had you covered." Joe said peering over his shoulder at the departing couple.

"I know you did." He was a fellow Red Sox fan.

"You weren't scared of them ripping you off."

"Not as long as I count everything coming and going." I never let them touch more than 3 items at a time. still I could be sure that they hadn't hurt us and I doubled-checked the merchandise. Joe waited until I gave him the AOK sign. "Let me ask you a question. You said something about being scared."

"Yeah."

"You scared about the Iranians hitting us with a missile?"

"You mean you and me?'

"No, the USA." The newspapers were filled with reports of Iranian missile tests.

"On a scale from 1 to 10, I'd have to say zero." His courage had nothing to do with his beer consumption.

"What about their hitting Israel?"

"We don't live there, do we?" Joe might be a Bud drinker and I never drink Bud, but we were of the same mind. "No, we don't live there."

"Then I'm not scared."

"Me neither."

I couldn't wait to get my hands on a 24 oz Modelo. somewhere in that can there was courage. And if not the second was guaranteed to stiffen my resolve. I fear nothing but the fear of fear. At least as long as my wives live on the other side of the world, for any man who think he can resist a gypsy woman is a man ready for a ride.

My Credit Rating

750 is supposedly the best credit rating. My draft # in 1970 was 113. I stayed in university to avoid the last years of Vietnam. 365 was the best draft number possible. My credit rating is even lower than my draft lottery pick. It might even be negative and I also think it's on my permanent record.

At least I burned the credit cards for some money, although in truth they probably got what they loaned me and then some. I cut the credit cards and threw them in the trash. I owe them something ridiculous. I told their cold callers that I was going to prison and asked for an extension on my credit line.

"We are not a bail bonding service."

"But you don't understand. I'm going to prison. Not jail. Prison."

"We can't help you."

That was our last conversation.

-69 is my number.

I'm really sorry that it wasn't even lower.

Really.

Love is Never Having to Say You're Sorry

Love is Never Having to Say You're Sorry is a famous line from the 1970 film LOVE STORY. Farangs are amazed by the infrequency of times that Thais saying they're sorry. The word does exist as Khor-Todt, whose etymology stems from two Thai words; Khor or throat and Todt or fart.

Throat-fart.

Sorry, but maybe that's why Thais don't apologize.

Saying sorry sometimes smells.

Sorry is Not Enough

My sins are legion, but as George Carlin states in his famous monologue THE TEN COMMANDMENTS that the arriving at the number 10 was only a marketing device. The late comedian trims the commandments down to two along with Thou Shalt Keep Thy religion to Thyself.

Thou shalt not steal is downsized to being honest, however honesty is a tough commandment to keep, as was witnessed in an English court's prosecution of a tax advisor for the theft of an old woman's millions.

The man admitted to stealing from his client's account even after her death.

He had started small and then within for the 'wipe-out' within a year to the tune of 2 million pounds sterling. The pilfered funds were transferred to his Thai girlfriend's bank account. She was half his age. 57/27. She invested the money in several gambling casinos. The 60 year-old is now looking at a long stretch in prison, while his wife will be calling saying, "Mii mee tang."

"I don't have any money."

Another case of the Thai anti-Midas touch.

Gold into dirt.

Sum num nah.

To view George Carlin's routine on the Ten Commandments go to the following URL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkRYaMiP4K8

Her still speaks wisdom from beyond the grave.

Bill Clinton Mea Culpas

The Yom Kippur fever infected a goyim VIP as ex-President Bill Clinton admitted during an interview with Gloria Vanderbilt's son, Anderson Cooper, that he was wrong to oppose gay marriage and adoption

"I think if people want to make commitments that last a lifetime, they ought to be able to do it. I have long favored the right of gay couples to adopt children....I had all these gay friends, I had all these gay couple friends, and I was hung up about it. And I decided I was wrong."

Bill Clinton also rued his decision about Don't Ask, Don't Tell banning gays from admitting their gay while in the Armed Forces.

"The thing that changed me forever on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was when I learned that 130 gay service people were allowed to serve and risk their lives in the first Gulf War and all their commanders knew they were gay, they let them go and risk their lives ‘cause they needed them, and then as soon as the first Gulf War was over, they kicked them out. That’s all I needed to know, that’s all anybody needs to know, to know that this policy should be changed."

It takes a big man to admit that he's wrong and Bill Clinton has showed how big and wrong he can be.

Now all he has to do is 'fess' up about sex with Monica Lewinsky.

At least he didn't 'lude her like Roman Polanski, then again power is the greatest aphrodisiac of all. The turbo-lude of politics.

No We Won't

Millions of Americans voted for Barack Obama in hopes that the new president would reverse the policies of GW Bush. No more torture. No more Guantanamo Bay. No wars. A rejection of the Patriot Act. The end of internal wiretapping of US citizens. No more rendition flights. I danced in the streets that November evening. I cried thinking that over 40 years of bad government were coming to an end. Other men my age also had tears in their eyes. We remembered the promise of Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy. Our dreams then were possible once more.

America was ours again.

9 months later the USA hasn't changed at all. We are fighting two wars in Asia. Drones kill people in other countries. Hit squads murder suspected terrorists. Guantanamo Bay operates under new guidelines. There is still no habeus corpus under the Patriot Act and torture remains a state policy. Rendition removes threats and the NSA listens to everyone asking, "Can you hear me?"

The answer is yes.

America 2009 is the America of 2008.

GW Bush only appears at Texas football games.

Dick Cheney shows up on Fox News.

Glenn Beck got the keys to his hometown.

The more things change the more they stay the same.

To say the least I'm disappointed, but I have my hopes.

Without them what's the use?

Obama will do what he said.

Free this fucking country.

Yes he will.

Chuck Berry's SWEET LITTLE SIXTEEN

Not everyone was a sage as I was in Bali.

Back in December 1959 Chuck Berry invited a Apache girl from Yuma, Arizona to work at his club in St. Louis. Police arrested the rocker on charges of violating the Mann Act ie the transport of minors over state lines. The girl charged with prostitution and testified that she at berry had had sex numerous times on the journey from Yuma to St. Louis.

"What was your purpose in bringing Janice from Texas to Missouri?" The Judge asked Berry during trial.

"She needed a job and I had a job for her in the club."

Chuck Berry served three years in prison.

His song SWEET LITTLE SIXTEEN remains a classic warning to men.

Caveat puella.

To view SWEET LITTLE 16 go to the following URL http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3EOBlTQpKE&feature=related

JailBait

Polanski in Swiss Jail

No one has filmed a movie JAIL BAIT although the two words immediately bring to mind Roman Polanski, who was arrested in 1977 for seducing a 13 year-old girl at Jack Nicholson's house. Polanski had anally assault the girl for fear of knocking her up. Many film people defended Polanski at the time, saying the girl's parent should have been more protective and the director's comment in his defense 'I didn't think see was that old' seems to gain traction with the male populace, especially in the hedonistic age of Quaaludes.

(Polanski had given the young girl half of a Rorer 714)

The teenage girl's testimony painted a different picture.

"I said no several times, and then, well, gave up on that."

After hearing this information the judge rethought the plea bargain for Polanski simply serving a short sentence. The threat of 3 years and deportation forced the director to flee the country forever. His flight came to an end this weekend when Swiss Police arrested him for possible extradition to the USA to serve out his sentence. France protested his arrest, but the Swiss are dealing with US efforts to undercover secret bank holdings by US citizens. Polanski is a pawn in this game.

The victim of his assault is now 39.

She received a settlement from Polanski ages ago

Polanski was headed to a film festival where his work was to be honored by the Swiss film industry.

Funny way of showing their appreciation, n'est pas?

Plaza Hotel Near RIP

The Plaza Hotel was a landmark destination in New York. Drinks at the Oak Bar, oysters at the Oysters Bar, a quickie upstairs with a discreet woman. All that gone after three years of the Israeli group Elad purchasing the famed hotel. The Palm Court remains closed. The conversion of the downstairs kitchen into retail space prevented any operators from turning out the quality and volume of food necessary to pay the exorbitant rent charged by the owners. The subterranean 'Retail Collection' has shrunk store by store until only a handful of stores remain open.

In truth only one thing works in a abaasement and that's a boiler.

The rest of the hotel is equally purgatorial. The Oak Room feeds the unaware and the Oak Bar serves drinks measured out in thimbles. The rest of the hotel feels like a set of THE SHINING remake. Tattered rugs and lonely hallways, but Elad claims that the hotel is on the verge of resuming its status as # 1 hotel in New York.

Only problem is that the Israeli owners are better at hostility than hospitality.

I know, because I worked in the Plaza Retail Collection for almost seven months.

A disaster from start to finish.

Luckily I made one big sale.

For $1 million.

So I was happy even in a bad situation.

I'm that kind of guy.

Pierre of the Plaza.

Man Bites Dog

For decades unwary farangs have been scammed by the jewelry touts of Bangkok. Westerners are steered to these infamous jewelry stores by taxi or tuk-tuk drivers hanging around the more popular tourist destinations. Once inside the premises the victims are plied with alcohol and seduced by the lure of easy money from transporting gems back to their home countries. Most discover the deception of the shopkeepers upon return home, where they are told that their purchases are worth a fraction of their declared value. A few realize their mistake the next day and complain to the tourist police. Only a rare tourist ever gets their money back, so it was nice to see in the newspaper that a trio of foreign bandits had robbed the Bangkok Gems and Jewelery Fair for $1.6 million.

The three thieves got as far as Chonburi where they were arrested by Pattaya police.

The newspapers reported that the leading clue was three suspicious men renting a car.

Another case of hard-nosed Thai police tactics reaping justice.

Jessica 6 - Tonight and Sunday at McCarren Hall

My good friend Walter was kind enough to let me me stay at his museum on Graham Avenue. 30,000 records line the walls. Clothing spanning 4 decades are displayed on individual hangars. 1000s of comic books and hundreds of shoes. Most of it all his. Walter had spun records as a DJ most of his adult life. We worked together at the Rex in Paris. Lately he booked bands for summer stage and promoted pet projects such as Jonathan Fireeater. I was mostly out of town for these endeavors, however his latest protege Jessica 6 caught me by surprise.

The lead singer Nomi Ruiz made me cry and dance in the same set last month. The rhythm section depends on drums bass and organ. No fucking lead guitar god.

Jessica 6 just returned from a tour of Iceland, London, and Istanbul.

They're playing tonight and Sunday at McCarren Hall

I most certainly am going.

Here's the info.

Saturday, September 19, 2009 at 10:00pm
Sunday, September 20, 2009 at 12:50am
McCarren Hall
98 Bayard St.
Brooklyn, NY

Love this band

Sexy Girl - Guy Bourdin

Guy Bourdin was a genius.

Amazing Fantasy #15

Spiderman was first featured in Amazing Fantasy #15. August 1962. 12 cents. My father tore up the comic book thinking it was worthless and thousands of other fathers thought the same. Their sense of worthlessness only increased the worth of the comic so that today Amazing Fantasy #15 sells for over $50,000. Spiderman #1 cost $40,000 in mint condition. My father ripped up that too. Needless to say his values I rejected as a hippie. None of it made me rich except in memories. Certainly richer than the AT&T stock I was given on my graduation from high school.

Anti-Mullah Fun

The Mullahs in Iran have proscribed fun from the lives of the common folk. No music, no dancing, no drinking, no nothing. A Land of No more severe than a visit to a New Jersey Beach, however Iranians often leave their Islamic Republic without the strictly enforced morality of the Police Guidance Patrols. Their love of personal freedom reached a red light in Jomtien last week, when Thai police arrested an Iranian couple for having sex on the beach. The man professed his ignorance that sex in a public place was illegal in Thailand. They were fined 500 baht each. Their names were published online and now the couple is seeking political asylum overseas, for the punishment for thier sin in Iran is public stoning in a stadium of the Police Guidance Patrols' choosing.

I wish them luck in their flight from justice.

Live Longer

My family has centagenarians on my father's side. We can eat what we want within reason. Excess in Moderation has been the key to my existence, but now three years short of 60 I have tempered that path with some radical departures from my former carefree joi de vivre; rare bouts hard alcohol and much more sleep.

I'm aiming at 100,

Not everyone is so lucky with their health, which brings to mind an old joke.

A man goes into the doctor for his annual check-up, expecting the usual grade A report, instead the doctor confronts him with the verdict that he only has 6 months to live.

"Six months?"

"That's all." The doctor is sad because he's losing a friend and good patient.

"Is there anything I can do?" The patient's voice betrays his desperation.

"Well, you can give up sex, drinking, smoke, singing, and drugs."

"Will that make me live longer?'

"No, but it will make the six months seem longer."

555 not really.

The prospect of our mortality is always a buzzkill, but I will continue to live by the words of the classic Grassroots hit, "Live for Today."

Moritori te salutem.

Doctor Mai Pen Rai

This interview with the renown Thai Doctor of health, Khun Mai Pen Rai, comes to mangozeen thanks to its London correspondent, Nick the Wanker.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
คุณ หมอครับ ผมเคยได้ยินว่าการออกกำลังแบบคาร์ดิโอ (ออกแบบเหือกๆ แบบหนักๆ ต่อเนื่องๆ เหงื่อซกๆๆๆ) สามารถทำให้ชีวิตยืนยาวขึ้นได้จริงไหมครับ
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
นี่ คุณ หัวใจน่ะ มันใช้ได้ดีสำหรับเต้นตึ๊กๆๆ ไม่กี่ครั้งเองนะ พูดง่ายๆ ก็คือ อย่าไปเสียเวลาออกกำลังเลย ทุกสิ่งทุกอย่างยิ่งใช้ๆเข้า มันก็หมดเกลี้ยงนะ ฉะนั้น การทำให้หัวใจเต้นเร็วขึ้นบ่อยๆ น่ะไม่ได้ช่วยให้อายุยืนหรอก ก็เหมือนๆ กับ ถ้าคุณจะพูดว่าขับรถเร็วๆ จะทำให้รถของคุณคงทนขึ้นอย่างนั้นน่ะเหรอ? ถ้าอยากอยู่นานๆ ก็งีบหลับซะเหอะ

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
ผมควรจะลดปริมาณการกินเนื้อ แล้วเพิ่มการกินผักผลไม้ไหมครับ?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more t han an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
ใช้วิจารณญาณเชิงตรรกะเหตุผลเอาละกันคุณ วัวมันกินอะไรล่ะ? ก็หญ้าแห้งและก็ข้าวโพด ซึ่งไอ้สองอย่างนี่มันคืออะไรล่ะ? ก็ผักไง! ฉะนั้น การกินเนื้อสเต๊กเนี่ย มันคือหนทางที่มีประสิทธิภาพในการส่งผักเข้าสู่ร่างกายเรา ถ้าต้องการธัญพืชเหรอ? ก็ กินไก่สิ! ยิ่งกว่านั้นนะคุณ เนื้อวัวน่ะยังเป็นแหล่งผักใบเขียวที่ดีด้วย (ก็วัวมันกินหญ้าเขียวๆ) และพอร์คช็อปน่ะสามารถให้คุณค่าทางอาหารจากพืช ที่เพียงพอต่อความต้องการของคุณในวันนึงเลยทีเดียว

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
ผมควรจะลดปริมาณการดืื่มเครื่องดื่มแอลกอฮอล์ลงไหมครับ
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
ไม่ ไม่จำเป็นเลย ไวน์น่ะทำมาจากผลไม้ บรั่นดีก็คือไวน์ที่กลั่นแล้ว นั่นหมายความว่าส่วนที่เป็นน้ำถูกเอาออกไปจากส่วนผลไม้ มันก็ยิ่งดีเข้าไปใหญ่เลยน่ะสิ เบียร์ก็มาจากธัญพืช........เอ้า...........หมดแก้ว!!!!


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular ex ercise program?
ประโยชน์ของการออกกำลังกายอย่างสม่ำเสมอคืออะไรครับ?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
หมอเองยังคิดไม่ออกสักข้อเลยคุณ เสียใจด้วยนะ ปรัชญาของหมอคืออะไรที่ไม่ทรมาน ก็ดีทั้งนั้นแหล่ะ!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
อาหารทอดๆ นี่มันไม่ดีสำหรับร่างกายใช่ไหมครับ?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
คุณ นี่หูแตกรึไง!! ปัจจุบันนี้อาหารทอดก็ถูกทอดในน้ำมันพืชทั้งนั้นแหล่ะ และน้ำมันพืชก็อยู่ในอาหารพวกนั้นนี่นา แล้วการกินพืชมากขึ้นมันไม่ดีตรงไหนวะ?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
การซิท-อัพช่วยป้องกันไขมันรอบหน้าท้องได้ไหมคะ๋?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
ไม่มีทาง! เวลาคุณออกกำลังกล้ามเนื้อมันก็จะใหญ่ขึ้น ถ้าคุณอยากมีพุงใหญ่ๆ ก็ซิท-อัพไปเหอะ

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
ช๊อกโกแล๊ตนี่ไม่ดีใช่ม ั๊ยคะ
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another bean!!! Beans are good for you. It's the best feel-good food around!
บ้ารึเปล่าคุณ? โว้ยยยยยยยย ก็เมล็ดโกโก้ไงเล่า!!!! แล้วธัญพืชมันก็ดีสำหรับคุณ ช๊อกโกแล๊ตน่ะมันเป็นอาหารที่เยี่ยมที่สุด!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
การว่ายน้ำดีต่อรูปร่างมั๊ยคะ?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
ก็ถ้ามันดีจริง ไหนอธิบายซิว่า ปลาวาฬหุ่นดีแค่ไหนกันเชียว

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
การมีรูปร่างดีๆ สำคัญต่อชีวิตมั๊ยคะ?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
โธ่เว้ย! แล้วทรงกลมๆ มันก็เป็น "รูปร่าง" ไม่ใช่เรอะ

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
เอาล่ะ นี่คงแก้ปัญหาความเข้าใจที่ผิดๆ เรื่องโภชนาการที่ดีได้แล้วนะ

And remember: และก็จำไว้ด้วยว่า
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
ชี วิตน่ะมันไม่ใช่การฝังจิตฝังใจเอาไว้กับการระมัดระวังเพื่อรักษารูปร่างให้ ดีๆ ไว้ แต่มันควรเป็นเหมือนการเล่นสไลเดอร์ มือข้างนึงไวน์ชาร์ดองเน่ไว้ และถือช๊อกโกแล๊ตไว้ในมืออีกข้าง ใช้ร่างกายทั้งหมดให้คุ้มๆ แหกปากกู่ก้อง เว้ยเฮ้ยยยยยย!!!! สนุกอะไรอย่างนี้!!
AND.....แล้วก็นะ....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
สำหรับ พวกที่ต้องคอยดูแล้วดูอีกว่ากินอะไรเข้าไปยังไงบ้าง อ่านด้านล่า งนี่ซะ นี่คือข้อสรุปเกี่ยวกับโภชนาการและสุขภาพ อ่านแล้วจะโล่งเอามากๆ เลยที่ได้รู้ความจริงหลังจากที่ผลวิจัยทางโภชนาการเขาถกเถียงกันมานาน

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
คนญี่ปุ่นบริโภคไขมันน้อย และก็มีภาวะหัวใจวายน้อยกว่าคนอเมริกัน

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
คนแม๊กซิกันบริโภคไขมันเยอะโคดๆ แต่ก็มีภาวะหัวใจวายน้อยกว่าคนอเมริกัน
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
คนจีนไม่ค่อยดื่มไวน์แดง และมีภาวะหัวใจวายน้อยกว่า คนอเมริกัน

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
คนอิตาเลี่ยนดื่มไวน์แดงเยอะมากๆ แต่ก็มีภาวะหัวใจวายน้อยกว่าคนอเมริกัน

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
คนเยอรมันตะบี้ตะบันดื่มเบียร์ แถมยังยัดทะนานกินไส้กรอกและก็พวกอาหารไขมัน แต่ก็มีภาวะหัวใจวายน้อยกว่าคนอเมริกัน

CONCLUSION ข้อสรุปก็คือ........

Eat and drink what you like. ชอบอะไรก็กินๆ ดื่มๆ มันเข้าไปเหอะ

Osama Bin Laden WHO?

Osama Bin Laden finally received a little press after the Taylor Swift-Kanye West blowout. The media noted that “An Address to the American People” was aired two days after 9/10/09 on As-Sahab, the Arabic-language Web site. Few American newspapers published the communique and no TV channel broadcast the audiotape by the supposed mastermind of America's worst domestic attack.

Someone once said, "As you get old you forget, but as you get older you are forgotten."

This adage has worked against Osama Bin Laden.

If people don't see you, then they forget you. He would be better off surrendering the Swiss authorities so he can regain his title, but not much chance of his surviving the flight to Zurich, unless he was on Rendition Airways to Gitmo Bay.

Still some of his diatribe was translated to the English-speaking public. He condemned Obama for following the foreign policy of GW Bush. I also do the same. No one in the media cares what I think or say. Maybe it's his rhetoric.

"The reason for our dispute with you is your support for your ally Israel, occupying our land in Palestine."

"If you stop the war, then fine. Otherwise we will have no choice but to continue our war of attrition on every front. If you choose safety and stopping wars, as opinion polls show you do, then we are ready to respond to this.”

"If you think about your situation well, you will know that the White House is occupied by pressure groups. Rather than fighting to liberate Iraq -- as Bush claimed -- it (the White House) should have been liberated."

Hell, I've said the same thing.

And like I said no one listens to me.

Why should Osama be any different?

WOT by Captain Sensible

On 47th Street diamond dealers call browsers WOT or waste of time, but I loved Captain Sensible's WOT

You can view it at this youtube URL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pqC563bX_w

Stunning hit for the member of the Damned.

"Say Captain say Wot."

Say What

The rapper Kanye West disrupted the MTV video acceptance speech of country siren Taylor Swift with an impromptu shout-out to Beyonce. Glass in hand Kanye West basically said that Beyonce's video deserved the win. The singer looked embarrassed and surprised by the outburst. The public's reaction was harsh and the soon the Kanye West - Taylor Swift youtube was # 1 on the Internet.

Lost in the glitterati clamor was Osama Bin Laden's radio address to the world on the 8th anniversary of 9/11. Not one news service carried the mastermind's message. Only one thing worst than a dead martyr is a neglected Islamic terrorist.

Obama didn't comment on Osama, but the president did call Kanye West a 'jackass' for interrupting the awards ceremony. This remark was twittered across the world, maybe even to the al-Quada leader.

"At least I'm not a jackass." He could have said to his followers gathered in their secret hide-out. 8 years and still no sign of OBL. Now that makes the CIA look like jackasses, but no one is saying that about the world's most expensive intelligence agency. Not if they know what's good for them.

Subject: Fw: Health Care Plan

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she
passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he
doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn'tdo that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay", said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

This joke is from the world's leading lesirurologist, my brother in law.

Thai Word for View

The Thai word for view is 'vu' and you thought no Thai words were the same as farang.

Loso - SOM SARN

Most farangs have heard this song without knowing who plays it since they're waitign to hear HOTEL CALIFORNIA for the millionth time.

The ever-popular Loso fronted by Sek Loso doing SOM SARN

See the video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNJoH9ysD5c

ps Loso means Low Society in Thai.

Thai Visa Tactics

Farangs on the Thai Visa Forum were reacting in a customary panic to the declaration from the Immigration Offices that all future 60-day tourist extensions will be reviewed with the intent of weeding out those farangs working or seeking work illegally in Thailand. I can suggest several tactics to avoid such scrutiny.

First; don't seek out work. While in Thailand, kick back and enjoy life. Blow all your money on wine, women, and song, then leave without a forwarding address breaking the hearts of those loved ones left behind. Certainly works for Thai men and their first wives.

Secondly pretend you are an African or Indian. I've never seen any of them on a visa run or a neighboring embassy or border crossing. Acha.

Thirdly pretend you are Thai although this might require learning more Thai than needed to order a beer in Nana Plaza as well as losing weight.

Getting a real visa might help, but none of us ever thought we were going to stay in Thailand forever until we got out of the airport.

Lastly just go for an OS Visa. Overstay as long as you want. It's only 20K for the penalty at the airport. Getting caught beforehand would mean deportation, but that means it was time to go and you can always change your passport back home and come back as another person.

Farangs all look alike anyway.

Except to computers.

Good Luck Mongers.

Yul Brenner Shaved his Head

Farangs have long been a source of income for the Thai nation either as business partners, tourists, or family support, however the present government like the previous regime views those westerners without proper visas as a threat to national sovereignty and have announced a final edict ending the abuse to the renewal of 60-day tourist visas.

"As there has been a number of visa applicants having entered Thailand via tourist visa and misused it to illegally seek employment during their stay and, upon its expiry, sought to re-apply their tourist visas at the Royal Thai Embassy or the Royal Thai Consulate in neighboring countries, requests for visa renewal by such applicants are subject to rejection as their applications are not based on tourism motive, but to continue their illegal employment, which is unlawful."

Embassy officials will divine by strict guidelines whether an applicant is illegally working in Thailand. Those working in rice fields will have darker skin and those engaged in manual labor will have calloused hands. Men with multiple cellphones might be doubling as go-go boys, while anyone with more than 20,000 baht be be investigated for the sale of jah-baa.

Many farangs have pulled up stakes in recent years because they are broke.

Thai authorities will do their best to insure no one leaves here with any plans to come back.

Let's face it. They're still rightfully pissed about Yul Brenner getting the leading role in THE KING AND I instead of Chartchai Ngamsan, star of THE TEARS OF THE BLACK TIGER.

Good Times Good-Bye

My first visit to Koh Phangan was in 1991. Had Rin was lined with A-frame bungalows. No electricity. $2-3/ night. The extra dollar was for a mosquito net. The island was notorious for malarial mozzies, but even more so for the monthly Full Moon Parties; dancing, drugs, sex along a silver sand beach. No hassles. The Full Moon party I attended that year was fun. fat backpacker girls getting drunk to have sex with skinny Thais or drugged hippies. I was a 40 year-old geezer. None of them wanted me and I was grateful for their disinterest. The party grew by word-of-mouth and soon every waxing moon backpackers close to Koh Phangan beelined to the tropical island off Suratthani. The 100s became 1000s and then 10000s. Thai authorities were perplexed by the phenomena, since they couldn't figure out how to make any money off travelers who didn't spend any money on their products; beer and 7/11 crap.

Numerous plans were announced to stop the hedonistic celebrations. Drug-free zone, but most of the revelers weren't doing drugs. They were there for the music and sex and meeting friends on the road.

Undaunted by these failure Phangan soon became Long associated with debauchery and wild Full Moon parties, Narcotics Control Board's Division 8 has come up with several strategies to end the Full Moon parties, so Koh Phangan can become a family-oriented resort. Locals have been asked to snitch out drug dens, checkpoints will be located at the Koh Samui and Phangan piers. Police will randomly stop travelers suspected of drugs for urine tests, and narcs will mingle with the Full Moonites.

Some residents regard this latest effort as an attempt to force them into selling out to upscale developers who will destroyed the charm of Koh Phangan with their family-oriented hotels and activities like Phuket and Koh Samui.

Most partygoers are savvy enough to avoid drugs and the drug-dealers have been trafficking long enough to avert the piers and narcs.

In the end it's more bluster from politicians to cover up their stupidity.

Millions of baht are generated by the Full Moon Party and that's is what is important to the locals.

Money and sanuk.

Free Koh Phangan.

Good Thoughts, Bad Deeds

A photo by the ever-wicked Guy Bourdin.

Stupid Jokes

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag.

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.





What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time ." -

A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t.....

Slow Tongue

I have a stutter. I have it since childhood. My teacher at Pine Grove Elementary School feared that I might be retarded and strongly suggested to my parents that I visit a speech expert in Portland. It was the biggest city in Maine. My grandfather had taught at Maine Medical. I was thought to be retarded as a child. The doctor gave me a series of test to divine my IQ. I scored above average and he determined that my tongue was too big for my mouth.

"You son can't say what he wants to say fast enough."

His cure consisted strictly of slicing my palate to speed my tongue.

With a razor.

I was five years old.

My father was the son of a country doctor. He refused to submit his second son to this treatment and to this day I have retained my stutter.

It works wonders with impatient police officers. They have no patience for stutterers.

Pattaya Addicts

My exile from Pattaya has lasted over a year. My past visit of 6 weeks was too short. I'm heading back the end of the month. In the meanwhile I ranging through www.pattayaaddicts.com for excitement. Not even close to being as much fun as being in the Last Babylon, but better than being in Rockford Illinois.

Check it out.

9-9-09

999 is the emergency telephone number in the UK. Flipped upside down it's 666. The number of Satan. It was also today's date and bible-thumpers around the USA were preaching about the coming of the Anti-Christ. Some going as far as saying that their Saviour had actually spoken the words Barack Obama in Aramaic when warning future generations about the Great Deceiver walking the Earth.

Personally I thought Dick Cheney was closer to the Devil, but one man's Devil is another man's Not a Devil.

And in the end 9/9/09 has a zero in it.

It's just another day on the Planet Earth and Barack Obama is just a man.

Bangkok 2050

2bangkok.com published a map showing the coastal change along the Gulf of Siam should the sea rise by several meters. Bangkok would vanish, as would most of the surrounding lowlands. Ang Thong now 150 klicks from the sea would be a beach resort. So start investing up north. We will be creating new beach front property.

Strangely this map shows Pattaya as untouched.

So the wicked shall survive this flood.

Go figure.

Wild Card Race 2009

The Yankees refuse to lose late in the season and my team the Boston Red Sox are a distant second in the American League East. I don't expect them to challenge the Bronxites, however sweeping the final 3 game series would be nice. A tough call for an away match-up, then again the Red Sox Nation in forever hopeful.

Blah-Blah Monger

An adviser to President Obama resigned last week due to the pressure from the GOP attack dogs. His crime against the state dated back to his signing a petition in support of a 9/11 Truth Committee seeking full disclosure from the Bush regime. An impossible task with Dick Cheney running the show.

The free and open atmosphere of the Obama office should have tolerated a little diversity of opinion, however the ever-devilish ex-alcoholic/Mormon/flak Glenn Beck mounted a campaign of abuse against this free-thinker in charge of 'green' jobs and whoosh 'he was gone'.

A footnote of history and proving once more than the Obama presidency ain't telling no fool to shut his hole until it's the right time.

And usually that time be too late.

So shut your hole Glenn Beck.

Damn, that felt good.

Redneck Fire Alarm

One More Statistic

Labor day Weekend is over and the morning traffic jams snarl the cities of America. Commuters are barraged by a constant stream of topics; health care, Obama's appearance before school children, and the AP's publishing a photo of a dying marine in Afghanistan.

The soldier had been hit in the leg. The RPG tore off both his legs. He didn't stand a chance to survive such a wound and this moment was captured by an Associated Press photographer reporting on the Marine patrol through a desolate village. Defense Secretary Robert Gates was enraged by the AP decision to show the photo to the public.

'I cannot imagine the pain and suffering Lance Corporal Bernard's death has caused his family.'

The marine hailed from my home state of Maine. His family had asked AP to shelve the photo. AP took the other path, for this war has long been hidden from the TV viewers and radio listeners. The number of dead soldiers pile up in the thousands and the civilian dead number in the hundreds of thousands. The USA entered Afghanistan to oust the Taliban regime who had sheltered Osama Bin Laden, the supposed mastermind of 9/11, yet we have stayed to combat the Taliban for small villages dotting the lunar landscape. High tech versus age-old tactics and we are losing this war. The only reason we remain in that the war does not touch most Americans.

We drive the same big cars, eat fast food, and watch TV without ever really thinking about the sacrifices of our troops and the suffering of the Afghanis.

It is now time to re-adjust our troop levels in Afghanistan to the right level.

Zero.

We elected Obama to the presidency on his vow to end the war.

It's time to stop saying, yes, we can' to 'yes, we will'.

Bring the troops home.

A Very Civil Court

This spring was very rainy in June. Every day was without sun. I was living in a basement and taking the subway to work. I felt like a subterranean, so when the sun finally burst through the clouds I was ready to celebrate. The event was an opening at Miguel Abreau's gallery on Orchard Street. The crowd in attendance was happy with the new weather. Summer was only a week away. We drank Groelsch beer on the sidewalk.

It was the wrong thing to do.

An unmarked police car swerved off the street onto the sidewalk. 3 cops jumped out and told anyone with a beer in their hand to stand aside from the rest. We were issued summons to show our faces at Criminal Court. The summoning officer said it would be a $20 fine.

I missed the date. My excuse? Nothing, so I showed up this last Friday to avoid getting arrested for a more simple offense. The process was quick. No one was a real criminal. Most were for trespassing or open bottle. A few were there thanks to public urination. I've been guilty of that crime thousands of times, but I regarded these offenders as lower than 'open container' violators.

The judge meted out sentences with rapidity. $50 for public urination. $20 for open container. The vast majority of the latter had been drinking Bud or Coors. I was the only miscreant cited for 'Groelsch'.

My fine for this fine beer was $20.

At the pleasure of the court I pleaded guilty.

I guess this goes on my permanent record.

One more blight.

At least it wasn't for drunk and disorderly.

Eating On The Run

No animal eat on the run. Not lions, tigers, or bears. Cows, sheep, and goats meandered as they grazed, but only humans walk and eat at the same time and most of those achieving this dubious goal are Americans. Every morning I share the train with commuters holding hands with a cup of coffee or else stuffing their faces with a bagel. I was probably guilty of the same sin in inetiquette prior, but have cut down the occasions to the rare scarfing down a slice of pizza, when i have to be someplace.

Even I'm not perfect.

We are what we eat and even more so how we eat.

Fast food makes for fast eating makes for fat people.

Sirens of Soi 6 # 4

Oom was not sabaii. Too many farangs came into the bar. They all wanted her. She had already been upstairs 4 times today. 600 baht times 4, plus drinks. Almost 3000 baht. Oom was ready to quit, but the farangs were not interested in any other girls. Only Oom. She speed-dialed her cousin. Ping was long-timed to a German, but he slept most of the day. Oom was sure Ping would want to make more money. She finally realized that most of her older cousin's money went to smoking ja-bah and not taking care of her baby.

Ping did not answer and the fattest farang in the bar came up to her.

"You sexy lady."

"Mai ching." She had heard a hundred farangs say the same thing to every lady in the Chic Car on Soi 6. None of them ever told the truth, but you could not expect the truth from such ugly men who fell for the calls of 'sexy man' from the girls of the Chic Bar.

Fools.

None of them were sexy.

Not like Bird. She loved Bird. He was krung-Thai. Oom knew every word to his song, Kob Jai Jing Jing. People said that Bird was gay. She didn't care. He was only gay because he had never met her. She spun on the bar stool to ask the Mama-San to play this song. Instead the older woman ignored her request and played the stupid farang song HOTEL CALIFORNIA.

I was almost 6 PM. Oom had enough money in her pocket and her pussy was tired. The Chic bar was not her home, but neither was the room her older cousin rented on Soi BauhKhao. Ping's boyfriend didn't start work as a motorsai taxi until 8. Oom didn't like the way he looked at her. It was the same way the old man at the Chic bar was staring at her.

Like he owned her. Oom stood up to go outside. Maybe another girl had ordered ting gai. She loved sucking on the fried chicken feet. Two steps into her retreat the old man grabbed her arm, "Where you going, sexy girl?"

"Go kin khao?" She gently pulled away her arm.

"I like you too much." The old man sounded British. Not German. Not French. They were cheap Charlies. English were good for money. Americans the best and Israelis the worst. Ping had warned her about them.

"Never go long time with an Israeli." Ping told her several stories about the Israelis gang-raping a bargirl. Only on Israeli had asked her to go upstairs. She had said 'no'.

'You like many lady. You big butterfly." Oom spoke good English. Ping told her to speak stupid. Farangs liked their woman stupid.

"You want fly with me?" His breath smelled of rotten teeth.

"No, not tonight. I have period." It was a lie, but only a small one.

"On the rag?" The old man made a face. It was not pleasant. he walked over to another bargirl. She was old as the man. They would go upstairs together. At this point in her career at Chic Bar, she could tell who was having sex with who. Sometimes she wished she didn't have this gift because she knew that other people did to each other. This old man liked something dirty. oom was not a bad girl.

"Yes, I have 'mem'." Most men would steer clear of a lady on the rag.

Some men didn't care and the fat man was one of them.

"See you see you." Oom didn't know what to say, but was happy to be in the outside air.

Sometimes the best thing to say to a farang was no.

At home she could dream of Bird. He was Oom's hero.

Controversy Ends As Lin Ping Is Named National Police Chief

FRESH OFF THE FRONT PAGES OF NOT THE BANGKOK POST

BANGKOK - The political schism that threatened to unravel the Democrat-led coalition came to a happy ending today when Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva announced that Lin Ping, the adorable 12-week-old panda cub who has captured the nation’s hearts, would be the next head of the national police.

“I am pleased to announce Lin Ping as a consensus candidate,” said Abhisit at a news conference this morning. “We all look forward to the fresh perspectives and positive attitude that Lin Ping will bring to the police department.”

The announcement ends speculation that Abhisit’s secretary-general Niphon Prompong, who supported Pol General Jumpol Manmai for the post even after Abhisit had already nominated Pol General Patheep Tanprasert, would resign. Niphon himself appeared at the press conference to confirm his unqualified support for the panda.

“Since his auspicious birth three months ago, Lin Ping has shown an unmatched ability to unify Thais during these troubled times,” he said. “I am confident that he will bring some much-needed credibility to the department.”

The appointment, effective immediately, also puts to rest speculation about former Bangkok governor Apirak Kosayodhin and Bangkok MP Ong-art Klampaiboon taking Niphon’s place in the PM’s office. Political analysts see the move as a shrewd move on Abhisit’s part.

“Lin Ping consistently polls higher in approval ratings than any politician in Thailand ,” said Thammasat political science professor Prapat Thepchatree. “The only surprise is that the panda didn’t hold out for a higher political office.”

Reaction was universally positive. Newly appointed National Intelligence Agency director Suwaphan Tanyuwattana promised to work hard with Lin Ping to root out corruption, while Phue Thai leader Yongyut Wichaidit said he was pleased that the appointment went to someone with a clean background.

“Thailand needs a change from its old-guard politics,” he said, “and the appointment of a 12-week old mute furry mammal as the head of law enforcement is just the kind of social reform that our progressive party stands for.”

Lin Ping declined to answer questions from reporters, but drew thunderous applause when he demonstrated his recently acquired ability to walk.

Naked Man

I was 55 at the funeral of Frank. He had died between the borders. Rolf the bank-robber and I had carried him dead from Cambodia to Thailand. He was cremated behind Pattaya Tai. Rolf and I celebrated his passing on Soi 6.

Beer and sex and a little drugs.

I spotted Mam at a distance.

She had seen me many times before.

She thought me different.

In truth I was only a farang and I proved this time after time, especially at the dinner table

No fried chicken feet for me.

Naked Girls

Ain't it the truth?

Count No Count

I'm sitting in my new apartment drinking white wine and writing about teenage devil worship. 30 years ago I was in Paris typing out a Brian ferry interview for a German gangster.

Jorgen.

Playboy of the West.

"Do you want anything?" He asked placing the tape recorder on the table next to my typewriter.

"Just a glass of champagne and a line of coke."

He came back with both and he said later, "That is my idea of a writer."

I was glad to not disappoint him then or now.