China Says Go Home Dabizi

For years farang residents in Thailand have dealt with the ever-changing kaleidescope of immigration restrictions; most recently the elimination of the eternal tourist visa border run, however their seemingly anti-farang sentiment is much more liberal than the Celestial Empire to the north, for while China will welcome of horde of big-nosed barbarians for the Summer Olympics in Peking, the government's security arm has instituted a series of immigration controls destined to denude China of the nearly quarter-million foreigners residing in the country.

Multi-entry visas have been replaced by 30-day single-issue permits, which are no available at nearby Asian nations.

In other words lao-waii (the Chinese equivalent of farang) go home', especially the French.

lao-waii has no negative connotation unlike the rarely used zang-weii (foreign devil) or dabizi (big nose) or even less friendly laomaozi or (hairball).

Personally I've never liked hearing myself called farang

It's the n-word of Thailand, but at least we're still welcome.

Thai rak farang bahn wan or Thais love farangs some days.

GPS for Thai Girlfriends

Thai girlfriends are renown for their devotion to untruth, especially when it comes to letting their absent boyfriends know their whereabouts.

"I'm in my village with maih." I've heard this phone conversation from the bed of many a naked woman and Soi 6 is certainly not Isaan.

Many suspicious farangs increasingly hire detectives to track down their errant loves only to disbelieve the facts, however a solution to their girlfriends' mysterious travels might be available through the Bangkok Metropolitan Authority who have a surplus of 5000 microchips for dogs. These tracking devices would be perfect for implanting in retired bar girls.

GPS surveillance at all times from the comfort of your home.

"I know all and see all."

Just what your girlfriend wants to hear, because anyone who thinks they've know all the answers hasn't heard all the questions.

A Thai university lecturer tried to convince a female student to submit to an indecent oral exam in exchange for a better grade. The student escaped the dastardly professor and returned with the police, although unlike in the case of President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky there was no semen-stained black dress to act as the smoking gun. She went on the wire and the police arrested the instructor before any crime could be committed.

Sort of like Tom Cruise in MINORITY REPORT.

Score the professor with an F.

Whores or Virgins

Men come to Pattaya for one reason.

It is not golf or the beach.

They come for the girls.

"I never pay for it." First-timers say as they evict a bargirl from their hotel room without even taxi fare only to get a high heel thunked against their skull the next time the stiffed bargirl spots her cheap lover on Soi 8 0r 7. Blood everywhere, but he didn't pay for it, because he doesn't consider his date a prostitute as don't many farangs.

"She's only doing this to support her family." Many farangs make excuses for their mistresses or say, "Prostitution in Thailand isn't like it is back home."

Those statements may be true, but selling your body for sex classically fits into the world-wide description of prostitution ie money 4 Sex = Prostitution is a simple equation. She is not your girlfriend unless you retire her from a bar and then you're still obliges to cash her up, so it's more like a prostitute girlfriend than a girlfriend, although my friend Jamie Parker, the original Crassanova, claims, "All women are whores."

If that's true then all men are Johns, so stop calling a shovel a spade, but be polite about it, because a high heel to the skull hurts a lot.

Fat Guys In Prison

I've spent an hour in Pattaya jail awaiting trial for a civil suit. I ordered khao-gai for the jailers. As much as I wanted. From what I heard from those unfortunates incarcerated for longer periods than 60 minutes, the diet in Thai prisons is very lean. Rice and more rice but never enough, which would not be good for those obese prisoners in the USa who are complaining that they are being starved by their jailers.

One plump accused murderer has even gone as far as to sued the State of Arkansas for cruel and unusual punishment, since his weight dropped over 50 kilos during his 8-month wait for trial, despite the jail providing more than 3000 calories a day to inmates.

"After a meal my stomach starts growling an hour later. I'm hungry. The only reason I lost weight is that I'm being starved to death."

Hearing the inmates plight several hundred overweight people have applied for the draconian diet plan to lose tons of unwanted weight. The prison authorities say they haven't figured out a price structure for the treatment. expect a crime wave from the obese.

"You can never be too thin." - Babe Paley

Hashish farts 1

The Koh Samui emergency ward was surprised to discover the cause of a middle-aged tourist's stomach cramps was nearly a kilo of hashish worth approx. one million baht. After a two-hour battle to extract a long plastic bag extracted from the Englishman's intestines, police arrested him on charges of smuggling the Class 5 drug onto the island. In custody the UK resident explained he had been in pain for over five days and panicked upon his farts starting to smell like the drug, indicating that several of the sealed packets might have burst in his stomach. None of his customers wanted to take a bong hit from his butt and now he will be subject to the full measure of the law for his folly.

It is sold at 1,500-2,000 baht a gramme.

Police said Mr Jones would be charged and detained for interrogation.

Provincial governor Vinai Buapradit suspected Mr Jones swallowed the drugs when he was overseas so he could pass through drug detectors and sniffer dogs at airports and at the pier on Samui where boats leave for Koh Phangan.

Pinyo Thongchai, the deputy chief of the Department of Special Investigation, said trans-national criminal groups were rampant on Koh Samui.

As well as the Bandidos motorcycle gang, which recently faced a crackdown by authorities, there were also international mafia gangs doing illegal businesses in drugs, land and property deals and extorting money from foreign businessmen.

In June last year police on Koh Samui arrested Frenchman Pittet Pasca Maorica, 53, who was also admitted to Samui International Hospital after suffering from stomach pain.

Doctors found one kilogramme of heroin in his stomach.

Muddy Waters $700

Muddy Waters just sang,

On the seventh hour
Of the seventh day,
On the seventh month,
The seven doctors say
"He was born for good luck.
And that you'll see."
I got $700
Don't you mess with me.

If you can lay your hands on $700, nobody can fuck with you, don't even adjust for inflation. It's Nature's law.

I met Muddy Waters for one minute. He was sitting with David Johanssen at CBS records. I walked up and asked him for his autograph.

He signed his new album. I said thanks extravagantly and walked away. It's the only autograph I own and I've lost it.

As I'm leaving, David says, "Hey. What about me?"

I said, "Hey, let's not be greedy."

Girly Burdy too Skimpy for Thai Culture

Ministers of new governments tend to issue inane proclamations to showboat their talents for the electorate and Thailand's Culture Minister promoted himself to front page by stripping the teeange singers Girly Burdy of their spokesperson status after performing for the Songkran crowd on Bangkok's San Road in what he deemed inappropriate attire.

"Cultural campaigns need consistency and presenters who lead by example. Without both elements, it is better to do nothing.''

Skimpy tops and hot pants for the much-promoted Cover-Up-For-Songkran campaign are not up to the high moral standards set by the Thailand government currently competing for last in the fight against corruption amongst ASEAN nations.

Mah-yah-wee means hypocrite in Thai versus ah-nah-jaan for immoral.

Personally I prefer Girly Burdy.

Pattaya Bar Etiquette Lesson

Somehow when men from the West come to Pattaya they lose whatever manners their parents had beaten into them as children. Bad behavior becomes almost a prerequisite for a good time. drunkenness, rowdyism, and macho stupidity are usually forgiven by our Thai hosts, but the other night a foreign patron at Lucifer’s Discotheque overstepped the lines.

The Swede had touched a woman's behind, unaware that she sang for the establishment. When the police arrived at the scene of the crime, she demanded that he be arrested despite his profuse apologies. The local gendarmerie obliged by taking the offending hand and its owner to Soi 9 for the charge of groping.

At the police station the irate singer demanded his incarceration and the Swede was sentenced to a night in jail. The next morning the judge assessed a small fine and warned he didn't want to see him again.

The Swede's only defense was that he thought the singer was an ex-girlfriend., which means fondling ex-girlfriends is an old Nordic tradition.

Some men can't keep their hands to themselves.

Like GW Bush groping Chancellor Merkel of the Porsche Reich.

Par 4 at the Killing Fields CC

In a move that might make the late Cambodian despot Pol Pot spin in his grave _ if he had one _ former Khmer Rouge cadres in their stronghold of Pailin have embraced a plan to cash in on the country's tourism boom and build a golf course. Not that they know much about the game. If football is the beautiful game, to the ultra-Maoist former guerrillas, golf is the mysterious one.

Last week, golf fanatic Prime Minister Hun Sen visited the remote area, more than 100km of rugged dirt road from the nearest city of Battambang, and proposed a golf course for the municipality. More...

Pailin is perched on the nation's north-western border with Thailand and is just four hours by road from Bangkok, but up to 10 hours from the Cambodian capital.

Hun Sen is possibly the only country leader in the world to list his golf scores on his website.

Cambodia is so serious about developing golf as an industry that it has appointed a special representative to the Council of Ministers. The former Khmer Rouge are ecstatic.

Once rich in gems and timber, these resources were all but stripped bare by the Khmer Rouge as they tried to keep the remnants of the rebel movement alive by selling them off before the rebels finally conceded to join Hun Sen's government in 1996.

Even journalists don't bother to go there any more since four of its most infamous residents _ former Khmer Rouge leaders Ieng Sary, his wife Ieng Thirith, Khieu Samphan and Nuon Chea _ were arrested on orders from the court set up to try them. They are now in a Phnom Penh jail.

Pailin's biggest draw is currently its mainly Thai-owned casinos, which operators say draw up to 10,000 Thais per month. But they lie within a quick sprint of the border and more than 12 rough kilometres from Pailin town, so most gamblers drop their money there and go no further. Nor does Pailin have the attractions of other former Khmer Rouge border strong-holds such as Anlong Veng, which at least boasts the makeshift cremation site of the movement's leader Pol Pot and Khmer Rouge military commander Ta Mok's home, complete with war room. So the former hardline communists, who drove the country to destruction in their 1975-79 failed bid to turn the nation into an agrarian utopia bereft of social classes, which left up to 2 million dead, have joyfully embraced a new ideology _ golf.

''We don't understand this game and at the moment it is just a speech by the prime minister, but it would be great for Pailin,'' says local Information Chief Kong Duong, once a Khmer Rouge propaganda chief.

He says he has never seen a golf ball, except on television. ''We don't know where we will put [the course], or how big it should be, but the idea is good.''

Pailin Tourism Chief So Korng is candid. He freely admits that to him, an iron is for pressing clothes, a wood is something you cut down to make furniture, and Tiger Woods is a place you never go alone or unarmed. But he agrees that the concept is attractive.

''People will have more jobs, and many people inside Cambodia and from overseas will come to visit Pailin and also see our natural attractions like our waterfall, gem shops, mountains and our agricultural programmes,'' he said.

Revenue from the golf course may even pay for a road to the municipality's remote waterfall, which currently offers little more than precarious four-wheel drive access.

A former soldier who fought the Khmer Rouge in the early 1990s says the now-tamed rebels should also make good caddies.

''I've seen them climb mountains with two B-40 rockets strapped to their backs, so golf clubs should be no problem,'' he says. That would be a whole new revolution for a movement better known for its infamous black pajama uniform than plaid and plus fours. But not everyone is convinced. A spokesman for local non-government organisation Buddhism for Development says golf is for the rich, and he doubts there will be much trickle-down for the impoverished former Khmer Rouge farmers in the area.

''The former Khmer Rouge are poor. They are too busy farming to have time to play golf,'' he said. And then there is the image problem. In a 2006 interview, a senior Pailin tourism official laughingly admitted that the very concept of tourism remained somewhat alien. ''Before, our orders were to kill them, but now we invite them to visit and please spend money,'' he said. dpa

Nightmarch by Duncan Stern

Still Cheap as Chips: The Sisterz ogling den (Walking Street) has recently increased its happy hour times from 8:00 to 10:00PM and although prices have gone from an almost unbelievably low 35 to 45 baht, the house liver wasters are what they term 'big shots'. The former Honey is well-run by the amiable Rambling Ricky and, apart from liver wasters, the prices apply to some bottled amber fluid, Thai rotgut, and lolly water. Ricky is attempting to cater to all tastes and budgets and, judging by the customers from the early to the middle part of the night he's certainly doing something right.
The dancing damsels really are a mixed bunch, from ageing veterans of the chrome pole market to a few nubile young ladies, and everything in between. The dress code, or more correctly, the undress code, features a different style of 'uniform', one that suits some of the better-proportioned dancers, but on a few of the others it looks like a slingshot on the slack.
One big improvement from its early days, at least as far as the first part of the night is concerned, is the better quality of music coming out of the speakers. The soap suds and les-be-friends and mix and match show that takes place in the glassed booth at the back of the den is well worth a look.
In Second Place: While the above-mentioned Sisterz has its crazy hour, just down the street the New Living Dolls 1 ogling den (can I respectfully say that it's about time the joint had a name change to something a little more simple) offers an 8:00-10:00PM happy hour with most libations at a mere 39 baht. The place is absolutely awash with ladies of dubious virtue almost dressed in the standard g-string and boots, and the shower tub at the entrance is fairly well used all night.
I've never seen less than 30+ dancers in the den in the early to middle part of the evening so for a choosy customer there really should be a good chance of finding someone who takes your fancy in the collection. While I'm not wrapped in the music, the den is usually well-patronised and the overall ambience quite good.
Trainee Firemen: One of the best dens of the chrome pole away from the central fleshpots of Walking Street is Sexy Girls, located at the Second Road end of Soi 8. It's been an ogling den for many years and has changed styles and ownership a few times. The current management have worked hard at improving their little niche and pretty much have the concept right.
The music is good, if a little loud, draught amber fluid is 65 baht all night while house liver wasters are 100 baht. The dancing damsels are an athletic and very clean crew: there's a well-used bathtub at one end of the long stage and girls waiting their turn at hugging a chrome pole go upstairs and slide down onto the stage, fireman-style.
As far as the quality and number of dancing damsels is concerned it rates as the best of the four dens situated in Sois 7 and 8.
Overpriced and Overrated: The two Silver Star ogling dens, one in Soi 8 and the other in Soi 7, are run on pretty much the same lines and although they are good for indulgers in draught amber fluid, with glasses of the murky froth retailing at 65 baht all night, the prices of their other libations leave a lot to be desired. 130 baht for house liver wasters in an off-Walking Street den are ridiculous, especially as the joint in Soi 7 is populated by damsels of rather inflated girth.
Around the Poles: Yet another den of the chrome pole is set to open its doors on Walking Street. This is to be another one upstairs in Soi Diamond and will be called Locket so I'm led to believe. It's due to open in mid-February and will have one of Pattaya's most experienced managers attempting to draw punters up the steps.
I certainly hope the new place will be better than the Tiger Club and Shark Club dens, both situated up the stairs at the Walking Street entrance to Soi Diamond. While the barkers at the bottom of the stairs do their best to attract customers, handing out little paper vouchers offering a buy-one-get-one-free offer on house liver wasters and Thai rotgut, both places looked pretty desperate. Tiger Club was full of cats while Shark had only five or six dancers, although one of the serving damsels claimed a whole swag had been bar-fined.
Away from Walking Street, Club Oasis (corner of Soi Buakhow and Soi Chaiyapoom) continues to do pretty good business and its most recent line-up featured a mixed bag of some real stars, a number of average lookers, and the regulation porkers and aged veterans. In other words, something for everyone. The top-shelf liver wasters retail at 125 baht while the house liver destroyers are 100 baht.

from http://www.pattayanightlife.de/

Eat Less Advice from Samak

While governor of Minnesota Jessie Ventura suggested to those constituents suffering from obesity that they should push themselves away from the table to lose weight and now Thai PM Samak has told the nation that they should do the same to cope with the rising food prices, since the increases are simply part of the supply and demand curve.

"If you sacrifice and pay more for rice - a bit more, not much more - it will benefit farmers."

Thais have already responded to the hikes by buying only what they need, hoping for prices to fall once Viet-Nam and India re-opened their harvests for export, and no one is cooking more than they need as they realize that there's only so much rice to be grown year after year. Few Thais believe that the country's 3,600,000 farmers are benefiting from the rice crisis, especially after the mysterious disappearance of 200,000 tonnes of rice from government rice stocks. only one group of people always profit from the misery of the poor and that's not the poor as far as I can tell, but then again I'm not rich or fat like the PM.

Well, maybe a little pudgy and I could eat a little less and drink less too.

Thanks for the advice.

Just remember what happened when Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake."

200,000 Tonnes Of Rice Vanish Overnight

Thailand had stockpiled nearly 2.1 million tonnes of rice against any shortcomings in future rice harvests, however Thai authorities were at a loss to explain how a 10% of the supply vanished without a trace from government warehouses. With fragrant rice selling at 135 baht a kilo, this loss has been calculated at 3.2 billion baht or $137 million probably making this the biggest thefts of all time as well as the one taking the most time, since the thieves would need to make over 200,000 trips in a Isuzu pick-up to haul away that much rice.

And no one noticed anything at the government warehouses.

Must have been pesky field rats fattening up for the season.

Eat Less says Samak

While governor of Minnesota Jessie Ventura suggested to those constituents suffering from obesity that they should push themselves away from the table to lose weight and now Thai PM Samak has told the nation that they should do the same to cope with the rising food prices, since the increases are simply part of the supply and demand curve.

"If you sacrifice and pay more for rice - a bit more, not much more - it will benefit farmers."

Thais have already responded to the hikes by buying only what they need, hoping for prices to fall once Viet-Nam and India re-opened their harvests for export, and no one is cooking more than they need as they realize that there's only so much rice to be grown year after year. Few Thais believe that the country's 3,600,000 farmers are benefiting from the rice crisis, especially after the mysterious disappearance of 200,000 tonnes of rice from government rice stocks. only one group of people always profit from the misery of the poor and that's not the poor as far as I can tell, but then again I'm not rich.

Hashish Farts

The Koh Samui emergency ward was surprised to discover the cause of a middle-aged tourist's stomach cramps was nearly a kilo of hashish worth approx. one million baht. After a two-hour battle to extract a long plastic bag extracted from the Englishman's intestines, police arrested him on charges of smuggling the Class 5 drug onto the island. In custody the UK resident explained he had been in pain for over five days and panicked upon his farts starting to smell like the drug, indicating that several of the sealed packets might have burst in his stomach. None of his customers wanted to take a bong hit from his butt and now he will be subject to the full measure of the law for his folly.

What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day Margaret and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a selfish little thug. He glared at me and began writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Margaret called him a goose-stepping Nazi. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We'd come into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

This joke is thanks to Big Al Harlow

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/film-stop.htm

Safe Sex in Pattaya

On my first visit to Pattaya in 1991 I went to the Marine Disco and picked up a girl. We had sex. More than once. Nothing bad happened. She didn’t get pregnant. I didn’t contract an STD (sexually transmitted disease) and we didn’t get married. We were lucky, since she took no contraception and I hadn’t been wearing a condom.

No one comes to Pattaya for the water. Not the beaches. Maybe the golf. Mostly men past their prime arrive here with expectation of fulfilling fantasies previously available only through fast-forward action of a porno DVD. Girls. Girls Girls. More girls than you can shake a stick at. And almost all of them will say yes, but yes does not mean yes to everything.

CONDOM USE

“Feels like taking a shower with a raincoat.” Many men quote from an anonymous source about condoms.

Wearing a ‘French envelope’ might be not as pleasurable as bare-backing your tattooed pierced sex kitten in a cheap short-time hotel off the Beach Road, but the casual tourist has to consider the risks of this action, which is not easy after swilling a dozen beers and ingesting 2 Viagra.

In the early 90s Thailand was beset by AIDS. NGOs blamed the pandemic on the sex trade. The real reason was that the DEA had eradicated opium plants and the hill tribes started shooting heroin with swapped needles. The sex trade was also at fault and the government waged a very effective publicity campaign to educate women of the benefits of using a condom.

Condoms are now a fact of life in Pattaya. While not 100% effective, they cut down on the risks of catching anything you wouldn’t want from a toilet seat.

Many men complain about ‘rubberitis’ i.e. the touch of latex leading to dreaded loss of wood before coitus-a-g-go. I suggest cutting down on your alcohol consumption, having sex before 3am, or take a blue boy to adjust any chemical imbalance. (caution – it is rumored that scores of middle-aged farangs are admitted to the local hospitals after suffering a heart failure as an after-effect of taking a Viagra). While condoms diminish pleasure, you can still achieve ejaculation and that’s all men are really after in sex. If a woman wants a friend, then she can buy a dog.

Here’s some pointers about Condom Use

Use latex condoms. Brands such as Lifestyle, Trojans, Kimono, or Durex are usually reliable. Natural skin condoms feel good, but do not prevent diseases. If you or your partners are allergic to latex (it might give you a rash or irritation), try the polyurethane condom called Avanti.

Get the right size. In the USA the condom makers downsized their product one step to make men think they had bigger penises. You might not be the XXL you thought you were, so check the size first. Also some girls will offer you a smaller size if only to cut off the blood from its appointed destination. If the shoe doesn’t fit don’t wear it.

Lubricate! Most condoms come with some lubrication inside. Whether you believe it not most of the women you bed in Pattaya are not into sex because you look like Brad Pitt. Spit is nice in your videos, but Thai girls think it’s disgusting. And butter despite Marlon Brando using it in LAST TANGO IN PARIS ruins hotel sheets.

For the pleasures of intercourse without discomfort, you will probably want to use additional lubricant on the outside of the condom… use only water-soluble lubricants that do not irritate you or your partner… never use petroleum-based lubricants or other oils or jellies because these will rot latex and cause damage to your condoms.

Use care to roll the condom down the shaft of your penis as soon as you get erect. (If you’re uncircumcised, you’ll probably need to pull your foreskin back before putting the condom on). Pinch the reservoir at the top of the condom so that there’s no air bubble trapped inside the condom (air bubbles can cause breakages). Some girls are orally adept at equipping your member and you’d never know it happened until after the moment of joy.

Beware of jewelry or sharp fingernails as these can cause small rips or tears in a condom (which later lead to breakages). That also goes for larger objects too.

Keep the condom firmly on your penis until you ejaculate. Then, if you are inside your partner withdraw and carefully remove the condom and dispose of it. Use a new condom each time you come inside your partner. Unless you are really cheap.

If you want a kid or a dose of the clap, try some bare-back bronco riding.

Nothing like that first burning sensation or getting a phone call from your mia noi.

"We have to talk."

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/sex-education-on-soi-six.htm

Health Advice for Pattaya Farangs 2008 / Old School

Entering Pattaya on Sukhumvit it is hard not to notice the recent expansion of the Bangkok-Pattaya Hospital. This annex is being prepared for the expected arrival of retirees moving into the thousands of houses being constructed from Naklua to Jomtien. The proposed name of this extension appeals to the spiritual background of the patients.

Gra-dai teung sawan or Stairway to Heaven Wing.

I’ve spoke with several western doctors about the new project.

Most seemed to think that this new addition to the hospital will help the health of the Pattaya residents, although one doctor bucked the entire trend of health addicts and wrote up the following advice to the bar stool sitters of Pattaya.

HEALTH QUESTION AND ANSWER SESSION

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!… Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
The doctor ended this session with the following advice. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO, What a Ride”

Old Men Love to Rock Pattaya

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I'm 55 and this afternoon I was listening to Jefferson's Airplane's SOMEBODY TO LOVE on Pattaya's notorious Soi 6. The trio of sub-20 Thai girls wanted me to visit an upstairs short-time room. "You sexy man. How old you. 40?"

Even through beer goggles my mirror doesn't lie more than 49.

My wife thinks I'm ancient, however Pattaya is a refuge for men not wanting to face their age. To misquote TS Eliot. "As I get old I shall wear my trousers rolled where the women don't speak about Michelangelo."More...

No one in Pattaya mentions Michaelangelo unless he's a Ninja Turtle fan. No one wants to show their age, but I've been old for a long time, but the old age truck never blows its horn when it backs up over you as I learned in 1986.

I was working at the Milk Bar in New York. Our clientele favored cokeheads, artists, and models. Everyone went home with someone. Not me. I was living under my next-door neighbor's curse of celibracy and Mrs. Adorno wasn't in a mood to forgive my eviction of a Madrid flamenco dancer. Months passed without my touching a woman. I was reverting to being a virgin, then one night I told a 19 year-old mulatto singer the story. She took pity and accepted my offer to take her home. I wish I could remember her name, but that loss of memory isn't the first sign of old-timers' disease.

Upon entering my apartment on East 10th Street she said, "I've been here before."

Deja-vu, n'est pas? No. She had been here with my subleasee. A Swedish male nurse. He liked black chicks.

"When I came here the first time, I wondered who lived here."

"Really?" My flat was a classic homage to the 1920s.

"Yeah, I was sort of cool, but looking at the records I figured the guy who lived here had to be a hippie."

"Hippie?" I had long hair once and hitchhiked to San Francisco in 1970 three years too late for the Summer of Love.

But better late than never and what was wrong with liking Quicksilver Messenger Service?
Who do you love?

The mulatto girl was right. I was an old hippie.

But this afternoon on Soi 6 the fountain of youth was flowing with the unabashed compliments of working girls. "You very sexy."

No one in America has called me sexy since high society interior designer Tony Ingrao bought a 20-carat Burmese blue sapphire from me. At our celebratory dinner he cooed, "You're very sexy."

Tony only wanted sex. Not much different from the Soi 6 girls. They were strictly after money. Still I liked hearing what they had to say. Only other place I might hear those words would be on Palm Beach from an 80 year-old crone with a billion dollars in trust. "Come here, young man, let's see how sexy you are."

Just a gigolo.

So if all else fails then I'm on the Gold Coast of Florida a couple of months a year working the ageless Botox turtles at the Breakers. I'll do most anything for a lobster roll and my wife would understand. After all you're only as old as the woman you love.

By the way the name of the waitress from the Milk bar was Shane. My memory is back, if only temporarily. Do you think I am sexy? Girls on Soi 6 think so.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/fashion-faux-pas-in-pattaya.htm

Fried Field Rat a la Thai

"What you have to eat, fried rat?" Americans classically asked this question after a friend's methane netherhole expulsion.

"It wasn't me." The guilty party protested without forgiveness.

Rat, owl, vulture, and crow are four animals Americans will never eat and only owls will eat crow. I'm sure there are several other animals lacking from any menu of the 50 states. Seagulls, seals,jellyfish as well as a legion of endangered species, especially whale, which I ate as a child in Boston fish market next to Faniel Hall.

But last night I ate fried field rat or noo yang.

More...

Mint had spent the last week in Cambodian border town and brought down several fried rats for her cousin, uncle, and me. Her cousin opened the plastic plastic and was immediately transported to a rapture like a glue-sniffer huffing a tube of Duont after a year's sabbatical. The uncle was dancing like a trained bear in anticipation of feasting on his two rat carcasses. needless to say my enthusiasm was a little more decorous.

"You no want eat." Mint was upset. Cooking rat takes hours. She had saved me the largest corpse. We were thinking about getting back together. If I didn't eat it, she would have been insulted by my refusal, so Thais have thin skins and long memories.

"Who say I don't want to eat rat?" I gave to only man money to buy 6 large bottles of Leo.

Mint happily fried the rat and cut the body into sixths.

It still looked like a rat and not Mickey Mouse either

New York rat on a plate.

"Why you not eat?" Mint had her arms crossed. Everyone else asked the same question.

"Wait for it not to be hot."

Two minutes later I cracked off a leg. The meat was dark. I took a bite.

It does not taste like chicken or pig or beef.

Goof, but something entirely different yet familiar.

I finished it all.

Strangely the street dogs wouldn't eat the scraps.

Mint was happy and the assembled Thais said, "James not same other farangs. he eat same Thai."

"No." There's no thing I won't eat. "Chicken feet."

Bleech.

But rat?

We ordered more for next week.

I think in a previous article i claimed to have eaten rat.

That wasn't true.

But now it is.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/chicken-messiahs.htm

Have you seen this girl?

Whenever I visit the States or Europe, old friends celebrate the prodigal's return. The guest list run from the good, the bad, and the beautiful. After all we're talking about London, Paris, LA, and New York. Most of the invitees are familiar with my history, but also a smattering of new people and sooner or later during the evening a female guest will ask, "Where do you live?"

"Thailand."

Her eyes will narrow with suspicion only to widen with bald-faced accusation of Gary Glitteritis, as I add, "Pattaya to be specific."

I don't even bother to defend myself, for as most humans I'm a mixture of the good, the bad, and the in-between, however as I've stated often Westerners anoint Thailand as a land of sin is because their own countries are so rift with evil that it's better to point a finger at someone else than see the reflection in the mirror.

Case in point: Ashley Flores.More...

13 year-old girl vanished from sight.

Ashley Flores.

Family begging for help.

She could be kidnapped by sexual perverts or even worse the Catholic Church. Not for sex, but to become a nun.

My friend sent a chain letter plea to find Ashley Flores.

Something wasn't right about the email.

The first clue is the email address.

helpfindashleyFlores@yahoocom

There is no such email address.

But my friend like many good-hearted people fell for the hoax accroding to http://www.breakthechain.org/exclusives/ashleyflores.html

Ashley Flores is a real person, but she hasn't gone missing, though she does have a friend who took leave of her senses. A friend of Ashley's decided to pull a prank on her by modifying a popular missing child hoax to make it appear that Ashley had disappeared. Her source text was the Penny Brown hoax, circulating since 2001. But, even that one wasn't original, as it was adapted from even earlier missives about Kelsey Brooke Jones and C.J. Mineo.

Fake?

Seems that way, but girls do go missing. Boys too.

They meet a good-looking boy. He buys them a mobile phone, jewelry, smart clothing. She falls in love, although her Romeo ends up introducing her to older men who are willing to give her money so he can buy her more presents. This is no myth.

The BBC calls it internal human trafficking.

Evil.

Sure.

Me?

I'm just an old hippie punk living in Thailand.

Pattaya to be specific.

Nothing is as it seems. Only what it is.

Just like Ashley Flores.

For a related article click on this URL.

http://www.mangozeen.com/magic-in-thailand.htm

George Carlin Rules for Life

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.' More...

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Here's 101 great george Carlin quotes: http://blogzarro.com/?p=226?fk

It's nice having someone speaking for us 0ver-55ers

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/go-go-bar-rules.htm

The Cardiac Danger of Illicit Sex / Asia

Surveying 5,529 heart attack deaths in Asia, Dr Wong Teck Wee discovered that 34 fatalities occurred during sex and 27 of those mortalities happened while the male was engaged in an act of illicit sex ie adultery. The Universiti Putra Malaysia cardiologist concluded from these findings that stress of illicit sex could lead to sudden death due to the narrowing of the artery and insufficient blood supply to the organs or even worse your wife walking into the hotel room with a shotgun or machete.

That's stress.

But all things considered it's not a bad way to go as long as you come before you go otherwise it's coitus interruptus fatalis, which is how Nelson Rockefeller, the former US President, departed from this mortal coil.More...On January 26, 1979 Nelson was riding male superior atop his mistress, Megan Marshak, when his heart overloaded from adrenalin, stopping almost every body function other than breathing.

Nelson was a big man and the 26 year-old aide had to squirm from underneath the portly politician, but rather than dial 911 for help, she telephoned her girlfriend, news reporter Ponchitta Pierce. Neither helped the ex-VP from his sprawled position on the floor as they discussed for the better part of an hour. "911 or not 911."

911 won in the end.

Too late for Nelson Rockefeller who expiated in the ambulance.

His corpse was cremated 18 hours after the coroner pronounced him DOA, mainly since his wife, Happy, was anxious that the Medical Examiner might find traces of sexual activity, however everyone in New York understood how Nelson went out of this world.

In the saddle.

And that stat didn't make it into the AMA journal that year.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/thai-impotency-hit-40-europe-50-usa-80.htm

Dating No-No List / Guru - Bangkok Post

Last week's GURU in the weekend Bangkok Post featured an article from Yanisa of LOVE RULES about GIRLS YOU SHOULD NOT DATE.

For the most part her choices were right on the money.

Your friend's ex, your best friend's sister, your ex-girlfriend's sister or best friend, a work associate, your ex-girlfriend, a high-maintenance hi-so princess, a career-committed power exec, and lastly a go-go girl.

Right on the money if you were living anywhere but Pattaya.More...

Go-go girls are the most career-committed power execs in the Last Babylon and they are always someone's best friend's ex, your ex-'s best friend or sister. At least none of them at hi-so princesses, although their haute society exclusion doesn't mean they aren't high maintenence.

"One of the reason for the slippage of foreign currency against the baht is the amount of money farangs spend on their girlfriends." Jamie observed from the What's Up A Go-Go sofa and then misquoted Oscar Wilde's observation about fox-hunting. "Especially since most of these girls end up as girlfiends and who can blame their soaking these idiots. It's the case of the unfuckable chasing the fuckable like a lesbian go-go dancer."

Whne I mention the Bangkok Post article, he laughed, "Even worse is dating your best friend's girlfriend or wife while they are still active, but if you do make sure it's at a love hotel such as the Full Moon where discretion is their 1st Commandment. Of course dating a biker's girlfriend is equally dangerous. Their sense of humor is worse than communists. No laughs or forgiveness. Same goes for Steroid juice monkey weight-lifters, who believe in a one-way when it comes to THOU SHALT NOT ADULTERIZE."

"But is it really adultery if you do it with an unmarried girlfriend?"

"Not to the Church, but muscle heads only go to the gym. No church." Jamie waved for a tattooed go-go girl to sit on his lap. "I'm taking the advice of your friend, Pisan. No mia, no mia noi, only geeks."

"What about Ort?" I had seen him with his old ex- the week before.

"There are exceptions to every rule, even the speed of light."

"What can go faster than the speed of light?"

"Your girlfriend looking for small change through your pockets." The go-go girl settled onto his lap like they had been a couple for a century.

"Yeah, that's the hands quicker than the eye." Magic.

"Another no-no is farang girls. Last time I was in New York I went with an ex-. In the morning she claimed I had fucked her like a go-go girl and hadn't cleaned the dishes from the last night." Jamie cuddled closer to the go-go girl as if to wipe this memory from his brain. "In fact there are no rules. Until you make a mistake and then you can only say, "I'll never do that again."

"Until the next time."

"There's always a next time in this town." He order shots of tequila to toast that exception so aptly commemorated by Frank Sinatra's MY WAY.

"regrets I have a few, but then again too few to mention."

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/girls-like-girls-in-pattaya.htm

Go Go Pole Dancing To THE END

Jamie Parker won 25000 baht on the lottery. The next day he found 5000 baht in the street. Later that evening Ort told him that an Englishman had decided she was the prettiest girl in the world and retired her from INSOMNIA GENTLEMAN'S CLUB. This was good news for both of us, since Jamie had been shedding 1000s of baht on the little go-go dancer and I had been keeping my dalliance with his girlfriend secret from him.

I hadn't obeyed Yanisa's RULES OF WHO YOU SHOULDN'T DATE

Thankfully Ort was semi-discreet.More...

Jamie decided to celebrate this Trifecta of good luck with a binge at What's Up a Go-Go. He bought round of shooters and then went over to the DJ with a CD and 2000 baht. The 55 year-old returned to the couch with a laconic smile. he had pulled a swift one and I asked, "What's up?"

I gave the DJ 2000 baht to play the Doors' THE END."

The dirge to patricide and incest was over 11 minute long. "You're joking?"

It had opened APOCALYPSE NOW. I remember watching Coppola's homage to THE HEART OF DARKNESS at New York's Ziegfield Theater and hearing the helicopters waft from left to right to rear to front.

The song took the go-go girls by surprise and the old guys in the bar too, but their eyes widened with surprise and I could see their lips move wordlessly to the lyrics.

"In a desperate land."

Jamie bought more tequila for the girls on stage.

"Lost in a romance."

He ordered another round realizing their was only way to bridge to generations. The DJ was looking skeptical. Jamie flicked him another 1000 baht."

"Ride the highway west baby."

The old dudes were flipping cash too.

"The snake is long." The girls understood THE END was a cash cow.

"The snake is old."

The tequila was working its effect. The old guys ordered more. The young guys in What's Up were out of their element by 40 years. The Doors and go-go girls. Jamie was right. Our generation.

"The killer woke before dawn." The girls crawled against the steel poles like serpents with poison ivy.

The DJ still was uncertain about the choice.

Another 1000 baht brought THE END to the end.

I was a Doors fan. They had no bass player in the band, but the bassist from Clear Light ie MR BLUE supported them in the studio and on the road. I still play CYRSTAL SHIP but having the DJ play that would have been pushing out luck.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Jamie disappeared into the bathroom with the go-go dancer.

I left the bar. I only have one friend.

THE END

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/2007-usa-top-100.htm

UK Eduation Requirements

My sister-in-law regards me as a ne'er-do-well. She’s not far off the mark, I've led a prodigal's life, while she’s worked for the CIA under George Bush and led a an exemplary suburban life as a working mother and wife. My brother and she have raised two good kids. Smarter than me and this Spring her son applied to the top Ivy Colleges.

With great grades, outstanding SATs, and a well-rounded extra-curricular career, my nephew seemed a lock except Harvard, Yale, and the lesser universities sent rejection notices. This blanking didn't make sense and I asked his mother, "Why didn't you call George Bush to get him into Yale?"More...

"I couldn't do that." She had scruples as an honest accountant.

"Maybe you can't, but I can at Princeton." A Palm Beach friend had bought Penn a medical wing. It was worth a shot and I said, "I'll make a phone call."

"Anything will help." Her voice revealed that she hadn't much hope.

"You never know." I couldn't promise anything, however a week later my nephew was accepted into Penn's pre-med program. My sister-in-law was grateful, although I was a little surprised at her saying, "You must be good sex."

Sometimes I am, although not in this case.

The Palm Beach heiress was strictly a friend, and my friends scratch each other's backs when necessary wthout explanation to the rest of the world.

Straight and narrow people don't understand our lives, especially since the following are the questions school kids face when trying to get into school in the UK.

For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.

The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES

Name _____________________________

Nickname__________________________

Gang Name________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP 33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS

Name___________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________

(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)

School _______________________________________________

Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutantes, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?

I think the questions for the USA will be more religious.

Is God a man or woman?

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/where-am-i-miss-teen-america.htm

CCTV SOI 6

The other night I was out with the boys on Soi 6. Nick was drinking vodkas. Sammie was searching for Ms Perfect, and young Marton was wrestling with an undersized bargirl on the sofa for what seemed to be about an hour. He weighs in at 85 kilos and she couldn't have been more than 42, however he was never able to pin her. In the end Marton was out of breath.

Noticing the CCTV in the corner I asked the mama-san if she could play the last 30 minutes. She wasn't sure how to accomplish this, however Sammie is an electrician for the Aussie Post Office and within a minute we were viewing Marton's wrestling match FF.

We wanted to buy a copy to send his wife.

Marton outbid us with a 1000 baht tip to the mama-san.More...

These CCTVs are meant to survey the bars for any wrong-doings; sex, drugs, and violence.

Mostly the footage is old men drinking beer.

Not a crime anywhere but Saudi Arabia or last weekend in Thailand.

An interesting hoax email popped up on www.teakdoor.com

With a farang complaining about being stopped at Cobra Swamp Airport for questioning.

Here's his email:

I had a big problem going home. Via the internet, I discovered a few bars that had streaming web cams. I wanted to show off a bit to my mates back home, so I arranged a time for them to view me in the bars getting pissed and frolicking with all the pretty birds. I made sure I “hammed it up” with the ladies right in front of the web cams. That was the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life, and at the time, I had no clue. Here’s what happened.

All went well during my trips to Bangkok and Pattaya, but the problems all started at the new airport whence leaving for home. I arrived at the exit visa desk, and I was soon escorted by three Thai police to a private and strange room. They kept me in the room for almost an hour asking me all sorts of personal questions about my holiday in Thailand.

They queried me about where I had visited; which bars I had patronized; which girls I had brought back to my hotel room; and more silly questions. I gave all very honest and forthright answers, since I knew I had done absolutely nothing wrong.

Then, the three police took me to some official who took my passport and stamped it with the wording "persona non gratis Thailand” (in Thai) Then, I was taken into some horrible holding cell for several hours. After that I was escorted to my flight and sent home.

Upon arrival back into the UK, customs did a complete search of me, my camera, laptop, everything. This searching took most of the day, and finally I was released. Then it gets much, much worse. Two days later the police arrived at my place of employment with a search warrant and seized my work computer and all my external hard drives. Trying to explain to my employer what this was all about was a major challenge and disaster, and I was soon relieved of my job.

Then, the police arrived at my flat with a search warrant and examined the entire contents of the flat. They seized my computer, and to this day it hasn’t been yet returned. I was then escorted to the local cop shop for further questioning about my Thailand holiday.

________________________________________________

The consensus on the teakdoor forum was this email was a fake.

But people are watching so make sure you wear clean underwear.

For a related article click on the following URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/pattaya-cctv-blitz.htm

When the punishment fits the crime

MONTREAL (AFP) - After catching his 15-year-old smoking pot, a father sold the hard-to-get "Guitar Hero III" video game he bought his son for 90 dollars for Christmas at an online auction, fetching 9,000 dollars.

The sale took place after the father spent two weeks searching for the video game for the Nintendo Wii gameboard.More...

"So I was so relieved in that I had finally got the Holy Grail of Christmas presents pretty much just in the nick of time. I couldn't wait to spread the jubilance to my son," the father wrote on the eBay websit

"Then, yesterday, I came home from work early and what do I find? My innocent little boy smoking pot in the back yard with two of his delinquent friends."

The man, a school teacher, who kept his identity private, said he sold the coveted video game to punish his son and discourage him from smoking dope.

The sale was a boon for the family's bank account, since the game the father purchased for 90 dollars (US) was finally sold to an Australian who plunked down 9,100 dollars for it.

The naughty son, however, will not go without a present on Christmas.

"I am still considering getting him a game for his Nintendo. Maybe something like Barbie as the Island Princess or Dancing with the Stars ... I know he will just love them," the father said, tongue-in-cheek.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/dildo-gun-robbery.htm

Wicked BY PETER NOLAN SMITH

WICKED - A novella by PETER NOLAN SMITH CHAPTER 1 An early summer breeze rustled through the narrow meadow to a burned circle. The charred grass had been trampled by countless feet. None had worn shoes in their orbit around the crudely-cut pole topped by an animal skull. The bone gleamed white in the afternoon sun, its flesh having been picked clean by crows. Hundreds of the black birds were perched on the withered branches of a lightning-struck tree, as if expecting for another offering. “It’s a dog’s head like I told you,” The six-foot boy in a leather jacket was big for his age and most adults might have mistaken him for 16, yet any teenager would have guessed him age to the month. 14 and not a day older. “Yeah, I can see it’s a dog’s head.” His friend’s denim jacket was dirtier than his jeans, because it never had been in a washer. His face was cratered with countless acne scars. No skin doctor could cure the 13 year-old, so he called himself ‘Moon’ before someone else could stick him with the obvious nickname. “A big one too.” Joe Tully out-weighted his shorter friend by 30 pounds. Most was not muscle, but the last person who called him fat wound up with a broken nose. After three days in Billerica Correctional he realized that the assault and battery on a twelve year old wasn’t worth 3 months of his life, but by then it was too late. “Probably a Shepherd.” They were the biggest dogs in the suburbs. “Or a Doberman.” Joe’s uncle had a Doberman. He was almost a vicious as his owner, but not as mean as his father. Both men were cops. “No, a Doberman is too tough to let this happen to him.” Moon flicked his cigarette at the skull. The butt-end hit the empty eye socket with a spray of cinders. Killing a dog was one thing. Cutting off its head defiled one of the Ten Commandments. Mark couldn’t remember which one and surveyed the glen. The nearest paved road was a mile away and thickets of thorns camouflaged the entrance to the gully between two steep hillocks. “What were you doing here anyway?” “I was headed for the quarries.” Joe wiped a trickle of sweat from his forehead. The afternoon was warm for June, but his sweating had nothing to do with the temperature. Early this morning a short-cut through the woods brought him to what seemed to be a dead-end, however hearing the crows he pulled the leather jacket over his head and followed the weaving trail through a maze of underbrush to this neglected pasture. He was surprised to find a collapsed Quonset hut, then again this part of the woods had been an army base during world War II. A quick peep inside revealed it had been a chapel for the enlisted men training for combat in Europe. No one had prayed there since the Korean War and Joe wandered further into the meadow, wondering what was floating above the ground mist. His eyes weren’t so good, but he refused to wear glasses, so he didn’t recognize the skull for what it was, until he was only five feet away. He didn’t breathe and nothing else moved in the gully other than the crows’ coal-black eyes. His father called the them bone-pickers and Joe had seen THE BIRDS. He ran from the meadow with his spine chilled by a wintry fear. He hadn’t told Mark about that, because kids like them weren’t supposed to be scared by anything. Man or beast. “I didn’t expect to find this. It ain’t normal.” “No one ever said the woods was normal.” This part of the Blue Hills was well-suited for behavior deemed unacceptable for the southern suburbs of Boston. The Mafia used the Blue Hills as a dumping ground for their victims. Teenagers watched the submarine races at the Chickatawbut Tower parking lot and queers haunted the rocky trails near the skating rink. None of them could be called nature lovers. “Who you think did it?” Joe couldn’t think of anyone other than his father. “Witches, murderers, but my number one choice is Satan worshippers.” “Satan as in the Devil?” Joe pictured the Devil with horn, a tail, and clove feet, and skin redder than a fire truck. “You know of any other Satan?” Moon chucked the rock at the skull. When it thocked off the forehead and the crows flapped their wings. Both boys froze under their stare, however not one broke from their perch, although several cawed, as if in approval. “Only one true Devil. And He walks the night now. In our hometown.” “Damn, Lucifer.” Joe dreamed of a fallen angel fighting his battles. “That’s right, the Prince of Darkness.” Moon glanced side to side for a sign. The devil wasn’t giving any omens for free. "But we keep this a secret for now.” “Who I tell anything?” Other than his aunt and Moon, Joe had no one. “What about Sudsy and Animal? You think they like this. We come up here with candles. What you think will happen?” The two wild girls were dying to See something like this. "They’ll love this.” “Yeah.” Joe could see the flames, the girls, and the Devil. The fire made Satan more yellow than red. “But they can’t come her until the weekend.” “The weekend?” Friday was two days away. “What if someone messes it up in the meanwhile?” “No one’s going to do that.” Whoever had done this wasn’t returning anytime soon, so it was safe for another couple of days. “You did a good job finding this.” “I thought you would think so.” Joe was happy to have please Moon. “So we have a little time to kill until then, what about going to the quarries.” “And swim?” Joe had never learned how. “Swimming’s for Boy Scouts.” Moon slapped his friend on the shoulder. “We’ll get some gas for firebombs.” “I know where there’s plenty of bottles near the quarries.” Joe liked fire anytime of the day. It was warm and cleaned the air. The two boys left the meadow and the second after their departure the crows broke from the dead tree to attack the skull. Their beaks tapping on the bare bone sounded almost like Morse Code, although no telegraph operator could decipher the meaning. Not if they were from this world. For Chapter 2 click on this URL http://www.mangozeen.com/wicked-chapter-2.htm

Pattaya Beach Report - Ban Samae San

Ban Samae San is the southern terminus of the Friendship Highway. This paved road was built by the US Corps of Engineers in the 1960s to supply the bombing missions of the US Air Force throughout SE Asia. Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia. The 10,000 Day War has no meaning to the residents of Ban Samae San now. Their colorful boats ply the waters of the off-limit navy islands and the catch is sun-dried to sell to Thai tourists to the defunct fishing ports of Ban Saray and Ban Amphur.

The town is very picturesque despite the horrendous smell and I've always enjoyed swimming off the navy pier. The water is a million times cleaner than Pattaya and the languid atmosphere reminds me a Maine sea ports.

Lost in time.

Not anymore.More...

The Thai navy has opened up a sea museum on the hill. Tourist buses navigate the narrow streets. You have to pay admission to the navy base. 100 for Thais and 200 for foreigners, but not me, because a month ago I was diving off the pier. The Navy Seal team was watching me from an old boat. My style was strictly backyard swimming pool, yet none of them could duplicate my headfirst plunge.

One muttered, "Farang bah."

"Mai bah. Kon talay." I told them I wasn't crazy and my family came from the sea.

50% of it was true.

As my French friend said about my ability to speak his native tongue, "You can not speak french, but you sound as if you can."

The same goes for my Thai, so the navy divers picked the most believable half and I became friends with their CPO Robert.

He invited me to the museum opening and said, "Whenever I have something special I'll invite you down for the day."

Special meant a tour of the navy islands, on which no one, Thai or farang is allowed to step foot.

This week I got a phone call from Robert.

"Phueng-ni chaao. Phed mung." His military cadence was easisly understood.

"Tomorrow morning. 8am." I almost saluted the phone.

I woke with the dawn and packed my bag with snorkle, mask, fins, towel, suncream, book, water, fruit, knife, duct tape, change of clothes and a Thai-English dictionary. Within two minutes I was back asleep. I was no early riser. The maid knocked on the glass door.

It was 7:30.

Water in my face and a rocket ride on my motor scooter to Satthatip.

I arrive at the Samae San navy pier.

No robert. No boat. A sailor wetsuit asked, "Khun James."

"Chai, kap." James is my nom du bar in Pattaya. It's more memorable than my birth name and gives the Thais a chance to say, "Meuen James Bond."

Just like 007.

55, American, and will drink anything even a martini shaken and not stirred.

Margin of Error

Pornography Mea Culpa

The Italian Synod of Bishops had dipped into its bottomless fount of morality with an appeal for actors and actresses to resist any and all “vulgar and destructive” cinematic erotic scenes. The plea was issued after the release of CAOS CALMO with a classically classified 'gratuitous' sex scene. This exhibition of the actress Isabella Ferrari's full charms seems to threaten the nation's youth with the thesis of sex for sex's sake in direct confrontation with the Vatican's stance that sex is for the procreation of the faithful and not the recreation of the wicked.

The director Franco Zefferelli laughingly descried the Church's comments on a '4th rate' film. Personally I like sex scenes in non-XXX films. They give me time to go the bathroom. Car chases are even better when you're in need of a #2. It doesn't really matter here, since Thai film censors cover women's breasts with CGI distortion, for pornography is considered a degradation of the traditional kulasatrii image of an upstanding moral woman.

What about all those bootleg XXX DVDs?More...

They are everywhere for consumption.

The main target as always is men. Vice is the kingdom of men over women. Thai men like naang lak-mok or obscene movies, although the vast majority of XXX films sold in Thailand are western, prejudicing Thai sexual opinion that western women are sexually depraved. Nothing could be further from the truth. Only about 9% of them are sexually active. The rest eat themselves into such a state of obesity they can't manipulate their vibrator without a broomstick.

Now that's obscene.

But the Church remains silent about obesity as the Vatican views fatness as a restraint on the libido and also that if billions of fat people ascent to heaven then their collective spiritual body mass will drag heaven from the celestial skies to Earth, thus bringing on the Second Coming.

Glory Hallelujah. You fat people are the resurrection.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/xxx-conspiracy-in-pattaya.htm

The Real Price of Everything

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are.

You will be really shocked by the last one (at least, I was)!!!

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things into perspective.

Diet Snapple, 16 oz, $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon!

Lipton Ice Tea, 16 oz, $1.19 ... $9.52 per gallon!

Gatorade, 20 oz, $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon!

Ocean Spray, 16 oz, $1.25 .. $10.00 per gallon!

Brake Fluid, 12 oz, $3.15 .... $33.60 per gallon!

Vick's Nyquil, 6 oz, $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon!

Pepto Bismol, 4 oz, $3.85 . $123.20 per gallon!

Whiteout, 7 oz, $1.39 ......... $25.42 per gallon!

Scope, 1.5 oz, $0.99 ....$84.48 per gallon!

And this is the REAL KICKER.

Evian water, 9 oz, $1.49 ...$21.19 per gallon!
$21.19 for a gallon of WATER!!
and the buyers don't even know the source
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap? So they can hook you for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at, you won't believe it but it's true; $5,200 a gal.

$5200 A GALLON!!!

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!

Wipe-Out

Run Run Run Bangkok

Thailand's top copper popped off a warning to any foreigners planning on disrupting tomorrow's torch run through Bangkok with immediate deportation with the added punishment of permanent blacklist running contrary to the Foreign Minister's no one will be exiled from the Land of Smiles for demonstrations against the Celestial Kingdom's torch relay from the Plaza Athenee to the Royal Palace.

"If they come here and engage in unlawful acts, they must be prosecuted ... if they engage in illegal activity, we will proceed according to the law by revoking their visa. We have prepared everything to ensure the smoothness of the ceremony." Over 2000 police will be added to the 130 Chinese blue-suited security squad to prevent the estimated 100 protesters from disrupting the proceedings of Thailand's big neighbor to the North.

Capitalism and the Olympic Spirit running hand in hand, although the pro-Tibet spokesperson said, "Under the Constitution, an individual - local or foreigner - has the right to rally for a cause. Peaceful rally should be allowed."

Allowed like Tak Bai.

From Bad to Worst

No one ever said life was fair and a Thai court proved this axiom to the max by sentencing 50 Burmese survivors of the Ranong death truck to two-months in prison before deportation to their impoverished nation. The 14 child immigrants have already been repatriated out of Thailand. The lorry driver is still on the run and the truck owner out on bail. Compassion seems to have taken a vacation for this Songkran holiday and justice view this incident with a blind eye.

The Buddha is reported to have said that life is suffering, however this statement is a myth, for the Enlightened One actually proposed four truths about this earthly existence; there is suffering, a cause for suffering, an end to suffering, and a path to end suffering.

Obviously the road to Phuket is not part of that path.