Halloween, the pagan holy night after a warm autumn day with the sun streaming through the alley windows to mock my darkness.
New York City.
Rural devil-worshipping cults celebrate Satan and covens must exist on the island of Manhatten, but once the juvenile trick-or-treaters have scored their candy, the night belongs to the young punks, gaus, queens,and addicts. I'll be working the night at Hurrah and dropped two dexedrine pills to elevated my mood, which had me verging to the edge of homicide. A thin stiletto was in my leather coat, although I feel more like hurting myself than someone else.
Ro showed up at Hurrah to see the Revlons. When she entered we talked for a long time at the entrance. The band wasn't going on stage until midnight. Half the crowd was in costume. The rest of us wore our punk attire.
"I'm glad to see you. I had hoped you would be here."
"The feeling is mutual." I hadn't seen her since Bix starved himself to death in a cave under the Cloisters.
"I still can't believe Bix is gone. I'm really..." her voice drifted off in a daze, then again she always had trouble finishing sentences. "Bix's death made me feel so strange. Did you feel that way when James died?"
"His death made me realize how precious life is. His last night I had sat with him at the hospital for hours. The only two people in a ward. Tye nurses and doctors were scared of him. He was dying from something they had never seen. Lots a gays were dying of the same thin.. His parents showed up from Florida at dawn. He hadn't spoken for a long time. I went dow to the cafeteria and ate a bagel chased down by chocolate milk. I thought nothing could ever taste so good. When I got back to the ward James was dead."
She spoke about commitments to her series on fish paintings.
"The color of my paintings are getting better, but I look at them and there's no spark. I need something to make them come alive." Ro complimented my not trying to being anything than what I was and predicted, "You're not going to be trapped at this job or even this city. You only are doing what you do to make money, but one day you'll understand your desire to be nothing is something everyone wishes they could achieve."
"A fateful decision, if I remember correctly you have a long life line."
"I just feel so guilty about Bix."
"He loved you."
And I couldn't love him back. I didn't even let him kiss me, when we were making love. I'm to blame for his starving to death."
"I tried to help Bix. He was lost in numbers and he chose his death.." A cold cave on a rainy night. I needed another dexxie. Your show is about to begin. Enjoy." I dropped another pill and drank a vodka-tonic, then three more.
Ro left with Nells, the Revlon's bass player. I slouched against the wall. Our affair had been weekend flings. I'd steal a car in Boston on Friday and drive here in four hours, meeting at the end of her shift at David's Pot Belly.
I thought someone who said, "You look like an angel under candlelight." had to be in love.
I was wrong then now and forever and especially on Halloween.
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