And doesn't care for my writing. She only reads this journal for passages about us about her. never any of my hand written fiction, but for real reason. " I don't think you ever finish anyhthing."
I have to be honest these journals have no purpose. Their value is zero. All the stories I write die someplace in the middle. Alice wants to read the end.
I'm selfish, but we both are. I wanted her to stay in New York this summer. At dinner her father asked, "what are your plans?"
Alice answered for me, "He doesn't know."
I don't know. But I want Alice with me and she has to go back to West Virginia. Family calls. A life in Charleston. I don't even ask for her to stay. The months of caring for someone will disappear with her departure. That would be left this journals and I fucked her. She's young. Everything to live for. I don't have anything to offer her other than hang around CBGBs and watch me play Pinball.
At Dojos having lunch, Kim said, "Alice only stays with you, because you're good fuck and you protect her in this city"
"She said she loves me."
"Probably, because that's what cause you want to hear, but maybe she does love you, then again, she's a good actress."
Such kind words.
Later.
On Staten Island Ferry. Manhattan is a ghost town disappearing into the mists. I'd rather be hitchhiking across the Americas, leaving all this behind. No Junkies, no ghettos, no assholes, no crazy disco, rockers, CBGBs all of it gone. All the buildings, All the skyscrapers. Just standing the middle of a desert on a road with no cars.
I used to be a math major in college, but I failed multivariable calculus. I never understood the reason for such quixotic formulas. Especially since zero negated all everything. My professor Rene Marcuse calculated orbital functions for the missiles of the Pentagon. He once addressed our class. "Nne of you will find out probably what all these formulas mean to real life. "
He was right about me.
Later
I wandered around Staten Island and took the 5:00 ferry back to the city. Afternoon sun flayed the fog. I'm sober but broke as always.
My money disappeared fast. I paid back Alice $100. $40 for rent leaving me $40 for the rest of the week. At least I drink for free at CBGBs and eat at Dojos for free thanks to the loving waitresses. The absence of money makes me nervous. It should be so easy. Everyone here has a 9 to 5 job. I do not and everyone asks,"Why don't you make more money? Get a real job."
Later in the week another $100 will come from Ebasco the catering service dining room. The job sucks. I need to work three nights a days in a row and make $100 approximately $4.25 an hour. Even working 40 hours that ends up being $170 a week. Nothing.
At least I don't have to sell my body it might looks might keep me alive touches me if I don't want them to it's difficult for me to see people you are sexually as I am. Call girls don't turn me on.
Jancy from Texas very much fun, but I didn't like fucking her. Libby I only had sex with in bathrooms quick sex. They're about my size everyone else has been shorter tomorrow the rightness waiting to be plucked. I desire well-dressed elegant women. There are none at CBGBs.
Last night while waiting for Alice to get out of her theater class I cruised porno stores of Times Square looking through the picture books. None of the clerks asked, if I was going to buy something. They had seen me before. i never stole anything. i just searched for something new. Other customer, eyed my crotch an left open the door to a XXX booth. They expect me to come in to go in. Just a jerk off, but I didn't have any quarters. I came across an entire series of Swedish magazines with John Holmes and his 14-inch cock. I wonder how it might feel in my ass, but I've given up sex with men.
I sort of felt sorry for him, because all the photos show that he couldn't really get his horse dick into women's mouths or their cunts except for an extreme horsey actresses. One whose pussy could be used for a railroad tunnel. She looked as if his monster cock didn't phase her.
Later
The Red Brigade blew away Moro. The police found the ex-minister's corpse in the center of Rome. The Red Brigade executed him for past political crimes, like not keeping an open mind to Communism. The fascist marched in Rome.
A good year for the left these days. Angola Afghanistan and Indochina. The the Russian Navy is larger than the US Navy, even though the USSR hasn' fought a naval battle since the White Fleet sank off the streets off the streets of Korea. The North Vietnamese Army destroyed South Vietnam and all our army and strength the dead and wounded did nothing to stop our defeat. Americans always a little bit isolationist have no interest foreign affairs. And no one young wants to fight a war again.
What about a nuclear war?
In the 20th century n bombs are obsolete. because of sheer destructive power of Overkill like dropping a piano on a gnat. People fear it, but only as long to turn on the TV and watch a comedy stupid police show. But I have dreams about nuclear bombs falling. No bones no Graves my standing naked waiting for the Flash to burn me into nothingness 5 Mi around a spot on the Earth's crust nuclear weapons only for the desperate.
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