During my last sojourn to Pattaya I was sitting with Fenway’s mom and several Thai women. They extolled my eating spicy food.
"Farang mai kin chilli."
"I eat spicy." I mentioned that most Thai men don’t eat food dosed with chili. The two nearby Thai men argued, “Kin pet dai.”
“So you eat sum tam?” I asked about the fiery mango salad.
They shrugged lifting beer to their lips. One of Mam’s friends said, “Only gay men can’t eat aharn pet.”
I decided to follow this sweeping generalization with another.
“That means I'm gay, because they can eat spicy food.”
“Not you. Khun kin dai.” Mam knew that I was all man. We had sex often, but she had never caught me watching ladyboy porno. I suffered no pangs of homophobia or glua gai, then again because of the massive changes in society no one knows what who might be gay, however there are some new rules sent to me by a good male friend
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
3: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
4: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
7: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines
pit stops, not the weakest.
8: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
9: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
10: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
11: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
12: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated cunts until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other
sports watchers.
13: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
14: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
15: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
16: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
17: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
18: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
Of course none of these rules matter to Mem.
She's Thai.
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