Hot as Blazes

The flight from JFK to Haneda in Japan lasted 14 hours. The lay-over was two hours and the final hop to Bangkok took 6 hours followed by a 9-minute taxi ride to Sriracha. My butt was deadened from sitting and my coccyx felt like it had taken a paddling from a nun. I arrived on my soi at dawn. Happy to be home.

Fenway was waiting at the door. Mem stood behind him. She was as beautiful as the first day I met her five years ago. Uncle Nai was sitting on the porch. His legs are regaining strength after a serious illness that he caught in prison. Thai jails are very tough on the young.

'Sawadee kap, James." Uncle Nai waied with a smile. He was happy to see me. I had the money for his hospital bill.

"Good to see you too." He doesn't understand English or my Boston-accented Thai. A good man he helps Mem with Fenway.

It was vacation time and our two other kids boiled out of the house. They are my step-kids. Someone in New York once dared say that they weren't really mine. I stamped on his instep with my boot. No one talks about my family like that.

It was all kisses and hugs and then the repeated request to know when we were going to the Khao Khio Zoo.

"Punee." Kids don't like hearing tomorrow. Mem doesn't either, because my tomorrows tend to become yesterdays. "Right now everyone gets a spanking."

I chased the kids and Mem around the yard. It wasn't very big, but they were faster than me. I could only catch Fenway. He's almost 3. He runs with a hop. i took him in my arms and gave him a kiss. It was good to be home.

May is deep hot season and the sweat was bulleting from my pores. Our house has no AC. More fans than Howard Hughes giant flying boat had propellers. The wind tunnel effect did wonders, but out of their vortex the heat melted the beer girth off my flesh. We drank beer fast. It dripped from me faster. Darkness came at 7. I lay down on the floor. The tiles were cool to my skin. Mem threw a sheet over my body and stuck a pillow under my head. I grunted thanks and dropped into a deep sleep.

The next day I woke early and took a bus down to Pattaya. I rented a car from Pi-san. His shop lays on land reclaimed from a swamp. My old house had a view of the reeds. I called it a bird refuge. Pi-san was happy with it gone. There were less mosquitoes.

The ride back to Srircha was swift. Sukhumvit was bare of traffic. It was before 11. Later in the day the multi-laned road would be a Nascar race lap.

Mem, the kids, and their uncle nai were waiting in the driveway. I had promised lions, tigers, bears, and giraffes, elephants, and hippos. I looked at the sky. Not a could in sight. I reckoned the temperature in the high-80s. New York had been cool. High 50s. A swing of 30 degrees and the tropical sun promised 90s by noon.

According the complex Heat Index formula:

HI = c1 + c2T + c3R + c4TR + c5 T squared + c6R squared + c7 T squared R + c8T R squared + c9T squared, here are the danger zones of heat.

ZONE ONE
27–32 ° / 80–90 °F
Caution — fatigue is possible with prolonged exposure and activity. Continuing activity could result in heat cramps

ZONE TWO
32–41 °C / 90–105 °F
Extreme caution — heat cramps, and heat exhaustion are possible. Continuing activity could result in heat stroke

ZONE THREE
41–54 °C / 105–130 °F
Danger — heat cramps, and heat exhaustion are likely; heat stroke is probable with continued activity

ZONE FOUR
Over 54 °C / over 130 °F
Extreme danger — heat stroke is imminent

Khao Keo Zoo was a 30-minute away from the coast. The narrow valley is surrounded by tall hills. Mountains in most of the USA. The slopes are jungles. The kids were ecstatic to see the giraffes, zebras, rhinos et al, but the temperature was rising and my shirt was soaked by sweat. The animals hid under the trees. The sun was burning through the shade. Mem complained about the heat. Uncle Nai stayed in the car. The AC was blasting him into the Ice Age. Fenway was happy with an ice cream, so were his brother and sister. With any luck the hot would zap their batteries dry.

"Lon tao-arai?" I asked their mother.

"Lon mak?" Mem weighs about 46 kilos. Her body wasn't build for retaining water.

"Mak-mak." Fenway echoed his mother and I agreed, for we were definitely in Zone Two.

"Kin beer?" The Thai word for beer is 'beer'. This shared word is a life saver. Confusion in this heat was common for people speaking different languages.

"Dim beer, dai." Mem was equally thirsty for a cold one. Her tiny beer belly is a tribute to her fast metabolism. I drove the kids to a waterfall and bought cold beer for us and iced tea for the young. Uncle Nai is on the cure.

95F and rising. Time for taking it easy and drinking beer.

it's good for you.