AVOIDANCE OF BAD LUCK

The 2003 movie THE COOLER tells the story of an indebted Las vegas dealer whose only skill was the ability to cool a gambler's winning streak. Anytime I've been lucky at the tables, the house has pulled the losing dealer for a replacement dealer. The house always wins, but gamblers are a suspicious lot and here are some well-known superstitions.

Never sit at seat #10 at a poker table.

Always wear red underwear when gambling.

Singing can be either good luck or bad luck while you gamble.

Don’t count your money during a poker session.

Stay away from sex the night before you play. (Not the most popular superstition).

Never let dogs near a gambling table. (Apparently they’re bad luck and no good at poker).

Never accept being paid with a $50 bill. They’re called “Frogs” and are said to be unlucky.

Never touch someone’s shoulder while he is gambling.

Don’t enter a casino through its main entrance; it’s cursed by bad luck.

Switch on all the lights at home before leaving to gamble.

And never drink.

That's a fact not a superstition and I learned it the hard way in Reno May 1974.

The Old Man and the Pee

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says , "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?"Grandpa asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

OLD SCHOOL HUMOR

Jets - Colts Rematch 2010

The Baltimore Colts entered Superbowl III as 18-point favorites over the AFL's New York Jets. The underdogs were quarterbacked by the flashy Joe Namath. The brash Alabama native boasted in Miami, "We're gonna win the game. I guarantee it."

The Colts were infuriated by this brash statement and quashed the first drive by the Jets, however big games are won on injuries as much as luck and after the bruising fullback Matt Snell knocked out the Colts' safety the secondary was open for Don Maynard, who scored 2 TDs. The NFL champs never really challenged the upstarts, as their all-star OB missed several opportunities to hit receivers in the end-zone. The victory acted as a turbo-charged boost for the AFL, however the Jets have never come as close to the SuperBowl as today's game against an historic rival.

Betters lost millions on this game and in 1984 I ran into Bubba Smith at the Deauville Film Festival in France. The Colt defensive lineman was attending the event to promote POLICE ACADEMY. Not #2 or #3. The original. Most of the other reporters were huddled around Steve Guttman, the star of the comedy. Bubba was off to the side and we started talking about the old Patriots of Jim Nance and Gino Capeletti. We retired from the press interview and retired to a bar to discuss sports.

Somewhere after my third glass of cognac and coke I leaned over to ask Bubba Smith, "Your team was such a favorite, how did you lose to the Jets?"

"They got to the quarterback." Bubba was drinking the same and answered without caring who heard that accusation. He was a big man.

"The game was fixed?"

A shrug indicated that it was up to me to make up my own mind and I remembered Unitas throwing the ball to the Jets defender and Morall's three interceptions.

"Who fixed the game?"

It was a stupid question and Bubba Smith excused himself to speak with Michael Winslow, who was delighting the crowd with his imitations of a helicopter. I didn't mention any of this to the editorial staff of Actuel. That magazine was more interested in my interview with Rock Hudson. In the ensuing years several old bookies have mumbled about how the Mob had threatened the lives of Earl Morall's and Unitas' families.

"We're gonna win the game. I guarantee it."

Joe Namath knew.

And so do I.

I think.

Bet Colts to win in 2010.

All the way.

Games are never fixed in the NFL.

Not then. Not now.

ps Anita Bryant sang the National Anthem in 1969 whose later anti-gay campaign was immortalized by David Allan Coe's 1978 song "Fuck Anita Bryant".