Friday, July 3, 2026

July 3, 1978 Journal Charleston West Virginia

I arrived in Charleston late last night via a direct flight from La Guardia.. I experienced apprehension coming down the gangway. Do I love Alice? I think so. I have said the word to Alice on innumberable occassions. We have never lived togethr, only shared a crappy bed in my SRO hotel room. Should I have called it quits after she graduatred from college and returned home.

No, I do love her, even if I don't know what love is. Her exile from New York was demanded by her divorced parents. She had no idea what she wanted to do or live. Neither do I, but I love living in the Village. It has become my home.

I entered the terminal. I had no photo of Alice. In the weeks since her departure I lost memory of how she looked, although I recalled a cat scratch scar on her cheeks. Inside I see her. Dirty blonde hair, a warm smile, cute in her white cotton thigh-high shift. Very much like Patricia Neal in HUD. Yes, I am in love. We kissed and embrace with tenderness. Seemingly we have missed each other.

"I'm so glad you're here."

"Me too." I'm actually aglow in her presence and traced the cat scratch scar with my finger.

Alice pointed at my leather bag. It hasd been my father's during WWII.

"Is that all there is?"

"I travel light." I had learned fhat gift from Alan Lage, an Iowan hippie vagabond who espoused that all we needed in life could be fit into a single bag. He also possessed a guitar.

Alice hooked my arm and we left the terminal as a couple. So far this reunion so good. We walked to the car. A Cadillac. A lawyer's car.A pickup was more authentic in Appalachia.

LATER

The interstate descended from the airport into the State Capitol. It was late and few cars wee on the road and even less people in the city itself. After the last four years in New York. Charleston seemed so small. Then again so does my hometown, Boston. We crossed the Kanawha River to her suburb South Charleston. The river was lit by the chemical factories providing an alrernative employment to the city other than the coal mines. Both deadly.

"How has it been here?" We have only spoken a few times on payphone calls during her absence from the city. My SRO room has no phone.

"Not much gong on in Charleston. All of my friends have left. Even the ones in college. My parents want me to stay, but I can't stay here. I want to live in New York and I want to be with you," she added almost as an afterthought.

"Same in my hometown. Nothing there." Milton south of Boston had three traffic lights.

The car radio played a country-rock station. WKAZ. Dolly Parton's JOLENE. CBGBs had the 45 on the jukebox. I was in the South. Alice and I sang along to the hit tune. We entered her neighborhood only lit by streetlights. All the houses. It was the same in my hometown. The only sign of life. the blue glow of TV.

"My brother Bobby is asleep already. My father is waiting for us." Alice drove the Cadillac into the driveway of a split-level ranchhouse. Alice parked the car and we stood on the lawn. A ladder leaned against the front. A tarp covered the plants. The shingles were smooth, but flakes of paint were peeling from the house.

This was a big job, but doable, if Alice helped as my assistant.

Her father came out of the house. Bob was tall. We shook hands.

"What do you think?"

"Doable, but we need more drop clothes. I'll start tomorrow, weather permitting."

"Then come inside. I'll make some dinner and you came get washed up in the besement. I got a fold-out couch down there."

Alice and I looked at each other. Separate rooms came as no surprise. t

Thursday, July 2, 2026

WHAT IS AMERICA 1980 - JOURNAL ENTRY

[caption id="attachment_29375" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Boy Scout Shota[/caption]

WHAT IS AMERICA

What is America?
It isn't an easy answer
As it was with the Pledge of Allegiance
Said with a hand over my heart
In a two-room schoolhouse in Maine
Said in unison with other white students
We had learned in a young heart
Within a week
Without out any explanation

1958
America
It was a flag.
The State of Maine was one of the star
On the northern border of America

1960
My family moved to the South Shore of Boston.
Deeper into America
I attended a Catholic School
Sister Mary Magdalene taught us geography.
I memorized the states and the capitols.
Sister Mary Magdalene awarded me a gold star.

I learned more about America.

My uncles had fought wars
My father too Against the Nazis
Against the Japs
Against the North Koreans and Commie Chinese Reds
American stood for freedom
Superman stood for truth, justice and the American Way
Talking in class was not allowed in parochial school Not by the students

Opening your mouth earned a trip to Mother Superior's office
A wooden ruler on the palm
Ten times on the knuckles for bad boys
Freedom was a word taught by the nuns
Under the Blue Hills

Boy Scouts
Memorial Day parades
Veterans of the wars
The 60s America was in South Vietnam.
Older teens fought the Viet Cong
For freedom.
At school
History
Geography
It was the Sixties
Some things did not make sense
A war in Asia. Siccing dogs on blacks. God. None of what they taught in school.and the men from our neighborhood Only math seemed the truth.and the men from our neighborhood I was a youth on a rampage
Rock and roll, Louie Louie, Janet Stetson, The Velvet Underground, gas 35 cents a gallon.

July 4, 1968
The Quincy Quarries
Brewster's
A 110-foot granite cliff
Jimmie Lianetti dives off the Rail He is the coolest of the cool
Something went wrong on the way down.
Our idol breaks his back
His friends drag him from the water
Not dead but never again him

1970 I finish high school.
My draft number is 91
Soldiers and civilians die in Vietnam.
If I don't go to college
I could be one of them

I want to leave my town
Boston
America I'm a fighter
Not a baby killer
I go back to school
To learn more about America

Math major
That summer
Linda Imhoff
An elegant junior exec at my father's office
Long legs, aristocratic accent, clean shaven body
We fuck at the Hatchshell by the Charles River
Emerson Lake and Palmer onstage
We were in the bushes.
Gas 38 cents a gallon

The 1970s were not kind to America
The city closed the Quincy Quarries
In the 90s
Boston buried them in the rubble from the Big Dig
All to save suburban commuters fifteen minutes on Route 3

It wasn't all gone
The concerts, the fights after school, the racism, the bullying, the murders, guns, the them against the other them
I was a hippie,
I am a punk
I am a father
I am a grandfather
I am nothing
I am everything
I am an American
I know what it means to me
Life Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness
And that's it

July 3, 1995 - Los Angeles - Journal Entry

The last day in LA. Bags are packed and I'm ready to go, even if that means going to LAX at 2:3O AM. The terminal doesn't open until 5 AM. What a square no-sidewalk town.

But I knew that being her before.

It's not a city to me.

More a collection of suburbs. Its citizens buy the City of Angels' illusions of self-importance from 5e dntertainment industry's propaganda. None attacks the lie. The glamor of the cinema is all smoke and silver screen with the press flaks protecting the lie that you can make it here, but people do at the expense of their souls. The thousands of hopeful candidates for fame and fortune Hirding from parts unknown for roles unknown having abandoned who they were for who they might be with a little luck, but this world is tough to break into, because most of your days are spend in cars to avoid any corruption of their pasts

I don't go to the movies anymore. I hate the multiplexes. The smell of fake popcorn and Holden aufield's line from CATCHER IN THE RYE. "If there's one thing I hate, it's the movies. Don't even mention them to me."

Truthfully I loved the movies.

SUNSET BOULEVARD, CHINATOWN, SINGING IN THE RAIN, BARFLY, FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH.

I still dream of being a screenwriter, although they are the low man on the ladder, as movie star friend once said, "At Six O'Clock the female star will go with the producer, by 6:30 she's worked her way down to the dir3ctor, then the male lead, ut they'd rather go home with the valet than a writer. They are always a problem."

Later at LAX

Goodbye Los Angeles.

Adios to the freeways, the Milk Bar, Beverly Hills, North Hollywood, the bums, the club-goers, the LAPD, the Beverly Hills FD, Santa Monica Boulevard, the 420 bus over the hills, the 4 bus to South Canon Drive, the Hollywood Hills resembling Babylon's Hanging Gardens in the morning mist of the June gloom, Scottie driving back to the Valley in his Pinto, huevos rancheros, the wave churned Pacific, eucalyptus trees, The PCH, car, cars, cars, freeways, Dennis, our loving landlord, his street dog Rascal, Sara, bible chanting strippers by the pool house, always Genesis, Perry and her mutt Hairy the Dog, the White Watusi of Malibu Lake, Tujunga Canyon, drugs, Fantasy Island, the home of Dennis' strippers, cars, cares, cars,the freeways.

Everyone blisslessly going nowhere.

Me too.

Not this morning.

I'm flying East.

To Boston. To my baby brother. To see him off.

I wish it were me.

Wednesday, July 1, 2026

44DDD - Liz Renay - 2009


In 2009 I attended an opening for THE ART OF LIZ RENAY curated by SCOTT EWALT at the 76 Grand Street Gallery. The late artist's contributions spanned two centuries in exotic dancing, literature, and film most notably as Divine's co-star in John Waters' 1977 paean to bad taste DESPERATE LIVING, but the starlet was much more than that role of a dogfood-eating murderess. Her 2007 Washington Post obit listed her many careers as 'gangster's moll, ex-con, author, painter, stripper, Hollywood Boulevard streaker, actress and charm school instructor'.

A sexual pioneer too.

"Well I don’t think anything is wrong with sex. I think it’s a beautiful thing to be enjoyed! Some people want to get married and stay married forever and not cheat on their spouse or whatever. While other people just like to be sexual adventurers (she laughs) and I’m one of those."

Ms. Renay owed her status as an ex-con to a perjury conviction in LA for refusing to snitch out Mickey Cohen. This loyalty earned the actress a stint in prison.

Not jail.

Prison.

"It sure knocked the hell out of my career when I went to Terminal Island. I would have been a big star had I not gone to prison." The actress did the time without complaint and was released after twenty-seven months for good behavior.

With her 44DD-26-36 measurements she must have driven the guards and inmates crazy. She exited from prison a cult figure, whose persona was tawdryized by writing the classic exploitation novel, "My First 2,000 Men."

A good title, although Ms. Renay issued a calm disclaimer. "It wasn't really anywhere near 2,000 men. I led a wild life. But 2,000? C'mon, that's too many, even for me!"

Her 2009 show was packed with downtown illiterati gawking at the deceased diva's art and collection of newspaper clippings. Several transvestites showed up in Liz Renay drag. Big breasts were a must. Her paintings were simplistic, but touching, especially a portrait of an angelic little girl. I thought it might have been the actress herself, but suspect that the young girl was actually Ms. Renay's daughter, who had stripped with her mother for many years until her suicide.

Photos were taken of the attendees. Each aspiring to acheive the greatness of Ms. Renay, if only for a few minutes. I stared at her S&M gear; a shabby whip, leather cuffs, and black undies. If I was into that kind of thing, then she would have been my mistress, instead I wandered from the gallery into the cold night, dreaming of 44DDD cups and wishing having been one of her two thousand lovers.

I doubt I could have survived an hour with her, let alone a night.

Then again I'm a square.

Tuesday, June 30, 2026

NORTH NORTH HOLLYWOOD - Chapter 1 - A novel by Peter Nolan Smith


Six women crowded the honeymoon suite of the Coastal Motel. The buxom 'groom' patiently waited on the bed for her 'bride', while the brutish camerawoman glanced at the director and tapped her watch.

"Lena, are you ready yet?" A bead of sweat trickled down the wiry director's spine, as she knocked on the bathroom door.

"One more minute," the female lead shouted from inside the tiled room.

“That’s fine as long as it’s sixty seconds.” Sherri Conti signaled the camerawoman to prepare for the money shot, acutely aware that the different segments of a movie set operated at contradicting speeds within the same time frames.

The technicians were habitually fast, except they were had nothing to do, and the talent was traditionally slow, especially when they were being rushed by the producer.

A director's job was to ensure the contrasting sides of the camera meshed during the actual shooting and Sherri checked the equipment for any potential miscue. Everything was in place, except for the girl in the bathroom.

There was no way that Lena was suffering stage fright. The young starlet had performed sex before a camera over fifty times and had not once gone up or blown her scene. Lena was simply dropping into her persona. Sherri had undergone the identical transformation in hundreds of hotels, condos, and ranch houses over her twenty-year career in XXX films.

The extra time had been worth the wait, because once Sherri had heard the word ‘action’, her body had exhibited a tangible hunger for sex and the camera never lied in an industry with no special effects.

Sherri’s name had once blazed on marquee lights in Times Square and her body had filled a millions of TV screens for audiences of one. A devoted fan had amassed a list of her on-screen lovers. The number ran into the thousands. The handful of stand-outs had vanished from the Valley like animals scourged into extinction. Sherri could have easily joined them, but her near-miraculous survival granted the forty-five year-old director the status of living legend.

The accolades, setbacks, or sins were meaningless to Sherri, for porno was still a business and time was money and she turned to the black woman on the queen-sized bed.

"Josie, give us a sound check."

"You got it, boss lady."

Big Josie Cane had worked for Sherri ten times.

The ex-actress’ production company paid better than the standard daily of $500 and the director had never blindsided the actresses with bizarre requests, so Josie gladly saved her best performances for Sherri. These girl-on-girl scenes were especially easy with Lena, for the Spanish girl shone in a business where most actresses were lightbulbs.

Rising off the mattress Josie spoke into the overhead boom.

"Testing, one, two, three." Josie cinched the belt of the strap-on dildo, which she didn't want to slip out of place during the shoot. This was going to be one long take and she meant to make the most of it.

"How clean is it?” Sherri asked the soundwoman.

Even with the taped windows and heavily blanketed door the microphone picked up the wet sizzle of 18-wheelers on the rain-drenched Ventura Freeway.

"Nothing I can't fix in the sound studio." The soundwoman had heard worst background noise.

The battery of Soft Ks, 10Ks, and Mighty Mole lights around the room pushed the temperature into the 90s. Sherri surveyed the sheen of sweat on Josie and figured that the male audience would appreciate the glistening ebony skin.

"It’s a go, once the 'jig inky' is in focus." The stocky gaffer in jeans studied the bed. Not a single shadow was visible on the sheets.

"Okay, we'll deal with that when Lena is in place." This scene needed to be shot and Sherri nervously pushed back her brown shag-cut hair. “Lena, that minute is up.”

“Ready or not here I come.” The raven-haired actress emerged from the bathroom and struck a provocative pose before the crew. The muscles of her girlish body were taut from dance classes without any deformation by gym training. A neutral-toned blush heightened the smoothness of her olive skin. Mascara accented the Oriental cant of her green eyes and her coal-black hair was cut to mimic Cleopatra.

She was more exotic than beautiful and this attribute converted into star quality. Her DVDs sold out every first run and the critics had nominated her ‘best new starlet’ for the upcoming XXX awards in Las Vegas.

“Finally.” Sharon clapped her hands and the crew snapped to attention.

Lena crossed the room to her off-screen lover.

The actress was an inch shorter than Sherri and her pouting pelvis grazed the director's thigh. The older woman stiffened, wishing that she was on the bed, instead of Josie, however the director had retired from that side of the camera five years ago.

"Nervous?"

"Nervous? I was made for this." The younger woman glided out of reach and every woman in the room studied her nakedness. Lena wouldn't have it any other way, for she was as much an exhibitionist as a voyeur.

Lena lay on the bed with her legs apart.

Her character in the film was called Desiree.

A runaway who had never been with a woman before.

Lena had run away from her home at the age of 14 and knew every aspect of this role inside out.

The gaffer adjusted the 'jig inky', as the make-up artist feathered the final touches on Lena's metamorphosis into a white trash virgin's first meeting with a bull dyke.

The market for most adult entertainment was predominantly male. Lena’s audience was evenly split between men and women, despite purely lesbian content of her films. Part of her appeal had to do with Lena's youth. She was new meat.

Sherri's first film had been a 8mm loop filmed in a Times Square studio. She had played a pizza girl delivering an order of pepperoni pies to a stag party. The invulnerability of her youth hadn’t lasted long in the meat grinder of adult film industry and Sherri was determined to protect Lena from such damage, but no one could survive forever without losing their soul.

Lena deserved to be in real films and Sherri had a plan to get the young girl on the silver screen, but now was not the time.

“Everyone set?” Sherri asked the crew.

“Ready, when you are, boss lady.” The gaffer retreated from the lights and Lena's hand dropped to her shaved vagina. Soon it would be replaced by that of another woman. The old Jefferson Airplane song SALLY GOES ROUND THE ROSES popped into Sherri’s head and the chorus repeated in her mind.

“Saddest thing in the whole wide world is to see your baby with another girl.”

“Josie, take your position.” Filming Lena with another woman was becoming increasingly difficult, but Sherri waved the make-up woman from the bed. In the end she was a professional.

“Places.”

Big Josie Cane assumed the 'top' position for the classic 'cowgirl reverse' shot and the Super 8mm video camera transmitted a pixilated image of Lena speaking her lines onto the video monitor. The picture was a little fuzzy.

“Sharpen it a little,” Sherri ordered the crouching camerawoman.

“Got it.” The camerawoman crystallized the focus with the deftness of a safecracker.

The image on the screen looked real and Sherri prayed a technical failure would halt the filming, except the words, "Lights, camera, action" transported the crew and actresses into the magic world of movie-making.

While the camera wasn’t 35mm and the budget was less than $20,000, every woman in the room prayed today’s filming guiding was a magic carpet them to Hollywood, that most promised of Californian lands, and no one was refusing a shot at the silver screen matter how big or small the stage.

Any god or goddess would have known the truth.

Not everyone gets a shot at fame and fortune.

Only the very lucky and the very good and sometimes the very bad reached the promised land and one look through the viewfinder was proof that Lena de Gama was destined for that heaven, for the camera never lies about the truth.

Goose and Bear - Nussy Andrews (Official Video)

Nussy Andrews recorded this song with me speaking the part of the bear. The video is by Ilsa Hammerstein with Nussy Andrews, Alex McVickers, et moi. Two beauties and the beast.

I am a lucky man to be included in this scene.

Monday, June 29, 2026

JUNE 30, 1978 JOURNAL ENTRY

THe first half of 1978 ends today. It's 10:30 and I'm ready for the new half-year. Tomorrow morning I depart my departure to Charleston, West Virginia, where I will paint Alice's father's house. As a teenager I painted two houses in my neighborhood in the Blue Hills. Ten years ago. My parents' and a neighor's split-level. All the houses on my street with split-level. My older brother and I were a team. The job took us two weeks. My hand hasn't touched a brush since. So many of my friends here are artists. I asked Ro for advice.

"Put down a drop cloth. Start at the top and paint with up and down strokes. Wear a hat and long sleeve shirt to protect yourself from splatter. And don't do it by yourself."

Alice says she will help.

A ticket on Piedmont is waiting for me at JFK. I have $70 in my wallet. Her father will pay me $500 for the job. At present I'm lucky to earn $100 a week. I hope to finish in two weeks. Alice says it is not a big house. Her father is a lawyer. It has to be as big as my parent's house, but it is not a split-level. At least it isn't a hillbilly shack up some hollow with moonshine running down the creek. Chareleston is the Capitol of the Mountaineer State. I know nothing about it, but I suspect her home is in the suburbs up a creek.

This afternoon I asked Ro what I should buy for a gift.

"Perfume. Opium by Yves St. Laurent. It's a natural scene with mandarin, jasmine, patchouli, and vanilla. Very sensual."

We made love at my place and then I went up to Bloomingdale's. Matthew worked in the perfume department. He wants me badly enough to give it to me. I trade a kiss for the perfume.

Alice doesn't wear any. She is a hippie. She smells good without any I sniff the perfume. Patchouli. She will like that hint. She's a hippie. I open the box and spray on a little. The attar warms on my skin. It reminds me of smoking opium and I wish I had some.

I pack a bag. Jeans, tee-shirts, and an old seersucker jacket. Alice says it's hot in the mountains. I'll bring a bathing suit. Maybe I'll swim in a moonshine creek. I haven't flown since Chuck and Jackie's Philadelphia wedding in 1975. I was in the wedding party. They moved to Cinncinati. It's not far from West Virgina. Maybe I can find their phone number by dialing infomation at 555-1212.

The New York Post featured a report about a Miami voodoo priest who creates Baron Samedi dolls of victims by gathering his victims' nail clippings and hair with water and a little rum and then puts them into a Waring blender after which the finished product is poured into a small doll. Supposedly the victim wakes thinking he is a doll.

La Guardia-Charleston flight departs at 1:30. I'll get there two hours before take-off. An hour flight to DC. A three-hour layover. Then an hour to Charleston. 7-8 hours with the subway the first stage of the trip. A distance of 500 miles. Ten hours by car. Longer by hitchhiking. West Virginia is the original hillbilly country. They hated hippies. They must hate punks even more. I'll soon find out.

Later

The musicians at CBGBs only talk about music, drugs, or other musicians. My world has fallen into a world of drum, guitars, and bass. Their only goal in life. Hit the Top 10. Even Teenage Jesus and the Jerks. Hard-driving noise band with Lydia Lunch singing. My fav song EVERYTHING. It is so radically un Top 10 with James Chance on sax, but in their eyes I see the collective dream of opening for the Rolling Stones. All the girls on the scene think Richard Hell is cute. No one thinks that of Teenage Jesus. They sound like they're covering Lour Reed's Metal Music Machine, whihc is almost unlistenable. Cecil Taylor loves them.

OPIUM
Black tar
On tin foil
Stuck into a pipe
A match
Fire
Smoke furls in the air
Suck
Suck
Suck
My mind stalls
Into a dream
Of nothing
A land of Nod
So sweet nothing
So nothing at all
In a sleep smooth as glass

Teenage Jesus and the Jerks

I woke up dreaming