Dark Thoughts

A friend has been in distress. Overwhelmed by the darkness. I have called without his answering the phone. I understand the need to not need to speak with anyone as well as the darkness. Earlier this month I had mentioned to my therapist that I had been experiencing dark thoughts.

"Not overwhelming dark thoughts. Just recurrent. They come and they go. They don't stay and I'm free of them for extended periods of time."

To most mental aid worers 'dark thoughts' mean one of two things. Suicided or harming other. I was more of the former.

"Do you want to see a psychiatrist?"

I understood the question. Psychiatrist are doctors. They will interview patients and prescribed appropriate drugs to deal with the specific mental condition. I hadn't seen one since my admission to the hospital for cancer four years ago. Prior to my illness I had self-medicated myself with alcohol. It had been a near-fatal cure and no longer viable post-transplant.

"Sure, I'll see a psychiatrist," I sadi, resisting the urge to call them a shrink.

Two days later I had a Zoom meeting with a woman doctor. I prefer a women. Male doctors tend to think that no one is their equal. We spoke for an hour. We covered all the bases. Thoughts of hurting myself. Thought of hurting others. I spoke. She lsitened and asked questions. I answer as truthfully as possible. Her assessment was that I was not in neeed of drugs to to continue with my group meetings for my alcoholism and speakining with my therapist every two weeks. I was in accord with her suggestions and wished her the best.

Thedark thoughts. They are still there. Lurking. I am better armed with tools to fight off depression. I have weathered the storms of the last years. Recreating this me from the ashes of the previous mes knowing I'm not not and never will be a me to satisfy the others. That's okay. The Mes and me know how to deal with that now.

I wrote to my friend.

It's not easy to go it alone when you think you are all alone and the fears prevent you seeing a path out of the wilderness. Why fucking bother? Day by day by day and then fuck it I can't stay here in a room no matter where I go. I'm in a room in Brooklym overlooking the backyards of Clinton Hill. All bearing the scars of a long winter. In the small room most of the time. I don't even know the names of the walls. Escape, a breakout, caught in the wires, breaking not free, but dragging away the fears like the piano in Bunuel's Le Chien Andalou. Always good to have Bunuel as not a friend, but a guide not telling you where to go, but just that there is a path out just like there was a path in.

Alone In My Bed

I wake on this gray morning Alone in my bed The sky outside A light gray Not cold No need to get of bed Pulling up the blanket Not for warmth But comfort I feel the urge To look at the news To see the horror of this world Not first hand Distant Far from my bed And it's warmth__ At one point I will break out this cocoon of comfort Knowing what to expect America joining the genocide No longer just arming Zion But dropping bombs Everywhere Iran killing its leaders and people Tens and thousands to appease Zion's blood lust To divert any need to answer Questions about pedophilia To protect a corrupt president Who never served his country__ I would rather lie in bed Hoping it all went away But not today and not tomorrow But one the sun will shine again And 'they' will be gone Dead in prison or in exile Good riddance Time to rise The revolution does sleep It does so awake Dreaming the dream__

Unnative Son

Barack Obama was attacked by birthers claiming the President had been born in Africa or Indonesia. Even after he provided his birth documents from the state of Hawaii, the GOP accused Obama of forging his papers. This campaign of defamation never ceased with President-elect Trump leading the charge, however recent reports from the Sub-continent have spread rumors of Trump's birth to Nazi exiles in Pakistan and his adoption by a KKK sympathizer from New York.

The likeness of the young boy is uncanny.

Another alien at the helm.

A third generation Nazi at the helm of America.

Hitler's greatest triumph.

May 24, 1978 - Kiev Diner - Journal

Alice woke up screaming. She had been dreaming a horrifying remake of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. Awake she shuddered in my arms. Poor darling.

THE KIEV DINER

A Ukrainian diner
Sitting with Clover
A blonde runaway
Only sixteen
A little more than a friend.
4:28 AM
The after-hours crowd from CBGBs
Mindless
No one caring about the mindlessness
Rejects from destiny
Cups of coffee In their pale hands
Not wanting to be junkie zombies
But Vampires
To live forever
All victims exiled to the suburbs.
Rock and roll, sex, drugs.
Trapped by the will be
That never will be.
And living in the dreams of 1978.
Free stoned and punks.
Especially Clover
Sixteen
Free
From nothing and everything.

Jamais Seule Avec Angus

Sur l'Ile Saint-Louis
Sous la gris pluie
Seule,
Mais pas 100%

J'ai mon chien
Angus
Avec moi__
Sur le Rue des Deux-Ponts
Sans toi,
Notre menage a trois
Deux__
Il y a une semaine
Tu a me dire
« Adieu »
Non à bientôt
Simplement adieu __
Aujourd'hui, avec Angus
Sous la gris pluie
La Seine gris
Paris gris
Et Angus noir
Comme mon couer__
Il y a une semaine
Angus et moi te suivre
Sans espoir
A le Pont Louis-Phillipe
Toi a volte a face
Cinq mots tes tout derniers mots :
"Tu peux garder le chien."__
Mantenant
Sur le Pont Louis-Phillipe
Paris et le Seine si gris
Nous sommes deux
Angus et moi
"Angus, viens, on va prendre un verre.
"A le Louis 9."
Comme moi, Angue n'est pas seule__

In English although somehow I wrote the French version first thanks to my French lovers or 'les dictionaires couchant'. Thanks to those and alos the subtitles in the French cinemas. If it weren't for them I would have never leasrned 'quelgues-choses' meant something.

NEVER ALONE en Snglais

Beneath the gray rain
Alone,
But not entirely—
I have my dog,
Angus,
With me__
On the Rue des Deux-Ponts
Without you,
Our 'ménage à trois'
Now just a menage a two___
A week ago,
You said to me,
"Goodbye."
Not "See you soon,"
Simply, "Goodbye"—
Today, with Angus,
Beneath the gray rain—
The Seine gray,
Paris so gray,
And Angus is black—
Like my heart—
A week ago,
Angus and I followed you—
Hopelessly—
To the Pont Louis-Philippe.
You turned to face us—
Five words—your very last words:
"You can keep the dog."—
Now,
On the Pont Louis-Philippe,
With Paris and the Seine so gray,
There are just two of us—
Angus and me.
"Angus, come on, let's go get a drink."
"At the Louis IX."
Like me, Angus isn't alone—

ps this poem was recorded for a scene in Jack Haven's WAITING FOR BROOKIE in which I have a role. Mina Walker engineered the track for background music for a early scene with Alex McVickers in Paris. Only my voice as James Steele, French Pop Star

I'll add the song at a later date

Angus et moi - Rue de Basfroi chez Alan Vaughan - Paris 1984

Sonny by The Rubber Bandits - 2017

The Rubber Bandits came to my attention with "Horse Outside" in 2011. They have been a constant comfort to the revolution for the Irish and all of us.

Sonny attacks the staggering stagnation due to the criminalization of the mentally ill and addicted.

According to Wikiepedia Blindboy Boatclub has criticised the art establishment in Ireland, saying that: "[Galleries and museums] preach only to the converted. They remind us of churches, pure solemn and inhabited by very silent people who don't open their mouths, for fear that someone else might find out that they don't fully understand the art that's on display. Art galleries in Ireland are like big vegan churches, and the curator always wears black, like a priest, and the visitors are there for the free wine. Most people who attend Irish galleries are other artists, and they all whisper to each other about commissioning opportunities inside imaginary confessional boxes."

Hell yeah.

DIRTY OLD TOWN by the Pogues 2009

Today several hundred bands will parade up 5th Avenue in New York in honor of St. Padraic. Not one of them will play DIRTY OLD TOWN. I love the Pogues and what about Spider's teeth. real stumps they are.

So for a good lift give this a listen

And if you don't like it, Go hifreann leat!