Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Life Of The Emirate Rich

Dubai was a backwater pearl port for centuries whose Al Bu Falasa tribe seceded from Abu Dhabi in the 19th Century. The Great Depression Thrusted the small nation further into obscurity, however in the late 50s Sheikh Rashid bin Saeed Al Maktoum transformed the oil-less economy into a desert financial hub.

No one believe in the Sheikh's dream, but Dubai is now the richest and most populous city on the Persian Gulf.

Wealth beyond imagination.

The Sheikdom has golf.

Luxury fantasy villas.

The world within the kingdom.

Russian chuvas.

And sand.

For sand is what will be left once the wealth is gone.

Photos from Bread and Circuses by Nick Hannes

Surfing in Thailand

I’ve never thought of Thailand as a surfing spot, until seeing the autumn waves on Koh Chang. Growling shorebreak. Some of them had to be rideable and I spotted an ancient surfboard at the nearest hotel. Obviously abandoned, since the deck was wrinkled like a potato chip.

First problem.

No wax.

Undaunted I tucked the board under my arm and waded into the sea. Locals gathered at the water’s edge. I slid onto the board and paddled into the wave. I miraculously glided past the break and sat on the board, my ass slipping from side to side like the board was slathered with eel juice. A wave approached, I turned and paddled for my life. The surge caught the wave and I tried to stand.

Close-out and I was sentenced to the turgid tumble. 

My next two attempts were equally as disastrous and I gave up for the day. My wife was fairly surprised I hadn't drowned and the native spectators left to find another diversion.

I later learned this break was well-known amongst surfers in Thailand

Sai Keow

Koh Khang gets monsoon waves and a nice beach break with great jungle scenery.

This episode whetted my appetite and I searched for a break around Pattaya.

Not a wave on Pattaya or Jomtien Beach. Koh Lann was equally flat.

I head of a swell in Rayong and checked the following two breaks.

Hinsuay Namsay – Rayong has a natural left hand wave, which only rises from May to Sept. If you’re lucky, very lucky, it could get to 4-5 feet. Mostly it’s knee-height, but can be pleasant as the warm water is clean and the Tha├»s have fished all the sharks out of the Gulf to feed the Chinese tourists Shark-fin soup.

Mae Ram Phung – Rayong is another break with erratic wind-driven waves during the monsoon season. The best spot is toward the cape as it’s protected from the wind.

Further away from Pattaya

Chaweng beach - Koh Samui

I love Chaweng beach. Water is clear as gin. There’s a small reef break near the rocks and off shore the waves can get glassy during Monsoon. Otherwise you’re looking at a bathtub.

Kalim beach – Phuket

Kalim lies at the northern end of Patong. When the swell is running obliquely, then this break is one of the best waves in Thailand along with Kata Yai and Noi. Rideable at all stages of tide. Watch out for the coral bottom and also the locals get a little fierce. Since when did anyone own the ocean?

Kata Yai - Phuket

This is a fast break for lefts and can build to overhead. The current is also swift so it’s a struggle to stay at the break. You can rent from Phuket Surf. Mostly long boards.

The best wave to ever hit Thailand was probably the monster wave of 2005.

No one has mentioned trying to ride this Hell.

Surprisingly the woman in this photo survived this day along with her children.

Unless you’re coming from Indonesia, it’s not worth the effort to bring your stick to Thailand.  Boards are rentable in Phuket and you can possibly purchase display models at the various Quiksilver shops in Thailand. They run from 14000-17000 baht.

Thailand is not Bali, but it can be good fun and a nice break from lying on the beach doing nothing for weeks on end. Then again why bother?

Surf's up!

Palm Beach Massage

Not many people have my phone number. Friends, family, my wife and mia noi, so I was surprised to see a Thai phone # appear on the LCD. At first I thought it might be the Bangkok cyber-crime police wondering whether I wanted to work for them as a spy, then I recognized the # as belonging to Jamie Parker.

"Where are you?" I asked wishing I was wherever he was rather than Palm Beach.

"Soi 6 and having a good time. Any go-gos where you at?"

"One named Rachel's. $20 for a three minute lap dance." About the price of a short-time visit to the upstairs chambers of any Soi 6 establishment.

"Any skinny girls?" Jamie was privy to my predilection for skin and bones.

"I wouldn't know." I hadn't enough money to visit the West Palm go-go bar and bicycling in that area was potentially offering your possessions and life to the various gangbangers dominating the nightlife of West Palm Beach.

"What are you doing for money?"

Three months ago my faux F1 business was providing my family with more money than the average Thai banker and allowing me to live like a duke in Pattaya. Now I was mansion sitting for $50/day. Main duty consisted of walking an Airedale named Cujo.

"Not much."

"How you like to make some money?

"Love to," I answered cautious since Jamie Parker loved to take risks with other people's freedom, but at this point I really was dying to return to Pattaya and any other city in Thailand as long as they had cold beer. "What you have in mind?"

"How about opening a massage parlor on Palm Beach. One girl, one guy, and a ladyboy for anyone in-between? I know the rents are expensive, but I'm sure you could recoup any expenses within the first week."

Jamie was right about that. Bentleys, Rolls, and Maseratis would be double-parked on Worth Avenue. Sex in Palm Beach was mostly extra-marital with surgical-enhanced blondes. Only one problem.

"I think it would be hard getting the licenses." The Palm Beach cops would be difficult too. "This isn't Thailand."

"Hey, I've been to Florida." He had spent two months in Dade County jail for vagrancy in 1978. The charges stemmed from his falling asleep in a Miami Beach movie theater. "You have to admit you'd clean up if you opened a massage parlor in Palm Beach."

"Better to have an escort service. These rich people like to be discreet."

"The trio are already in New York. You want them to come down. Maybe they could stay with you at that mansion."

"I'll let you know." I hung up before I could think about too much, for while Jamie's plan was a sure-fire way of making money, it was also guaranteed to place me in jail and Florida jails are no fun in the summer time. Still Palm Beach Massage has a nice ring to it.

Especially in florid neon.

Oh so Palm Beach.

Bizarro View Of Thailand

I found this wacky website spoofing Wikipedia thanks to friskdude in Pai

It offers a Bizarro vista of Thailand.

Here's the intro.

Thailand is a very sexy country in Suwannabhumi, in the polar regions near the equator. Everyone in Thailand wears a thai, both men and women, as casual clothing is one of the country's most favorite sports. They also eat Thai food most of the time.

Thai people are once in a very rare while kind and generous, but have cold mean hearts...for most of time. However, if you win a lottery, you will see an even higher amount of the greedy side of Thai people.

Half of Thai people will claim they're related to you (being your missing dad, reincarnation of your dog, your old car reborn into a human, whatever) and now need some cash now. The other half will just dauntless ask you to share some of your winning cash (at gunpoint). If you refuse, or give them too little cash, they will insult you, call you a mean person and even threaten to harm you. In fact, they are so hungry for extra cash, they may even kill you. The typical Thai's hunger of (your) money is unprecedented, and as soon as they see that you have some, they will extract every penny (or Baht) that you have.

One of the traits of Thailand, is that due to rampant dishonesty in their culture, you are likely to be harmed whenever interacting with them (unless you pay them off). Doing business in Thailand is considered about as safe as doing business in Nigeria or San Quentin Prison.

For more of this alternative vision of Thailand go to this URL

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Thailand

Monday, August 14, 2017

Fat is Beautiful for Feminists

Several summers ago Jamie Parker drove up on his motorcycle from Pattaya to Sriracha. Mutual friends back in the States had been casting aspersions against the paternity of my son. Mam had heard the same from her family. She offered to submit Fenway to a DNA test. I wasn't having any part of it. I knew he was mine, but said nothing as Jamie entered my house.

Fenway was watching Ultraman. He lifted his head for a second. His eyes shifted to his mother and me. I half-expected him to cry, when Jamie picked him up in his arms. The skinny ex-convict was scary to most people, but Fenway stared him cold-blank in the eyes.

"Damn, the Thai gene is strong, but yours is stronger. I feel like I'm looking back into the past. Fuck everyone in America. They're all KKK." Jamie put down Fenway. My son returned his concentration to the cartoon. "Good-looking boy. Same as his dad."

"Thanks."

"Only telling the truth." Jamie was from New York. White Boy same as me. We knew each other 30 years. Many of them no good. The bank robber had moved to Thailand after 9/11. He spoke Thai better than me. Jamie wai-ed Mam. He pointed Fenway's and my faces. "Just like looking in a mirror."

"Thank you." Mam was grateful for the compliment, but still wanted to prove her doubters wrong. I didn't care. Fenway was handsome. Same as his father. That was good enough for me.

Mam cooked food, while Jamie and I drank Leo beer on the porch. The neighbors strolled by the house. Sricracha isn't Pattaya. Farangs are an oddity. We paid the gawkers no mind. Jamie and I were oddities back in the States too.

"How's it back in the City?"

"Okay, but the fat people are taking over America." At 90 kilos I was no longer considered overweight. My jackets had shrunk in size from XL to L. My BMI told a different story.

"That's what I heard and I blame them for Global Warming."

"How so?" I had a feeling Jamie was regurgitating some of my old blather, but I was curious about his re-interpretation.

“Think of those millions of fat people’s body temperatures and their sweating on a warm day and don’t forget about the friction of the wind hitting their plus-35 BMI.” Jamie’s previous theory about global warming had to do with Earth passing through a warmer section of outer space left over from the Creation, which got him a job with the GOP. It lasted about three weeks.

I’m much kinder to fat people, for unlike Jamie who’s very thin, I have suffered from Orson Wellesitis throughout my life. Not that I ever challenged the fakir of fat, although I once found a his cape at a Provincetown antique store. The owner wanted $200 to the circus tent. I offered him $50 cash. He turned me down, but I think about Orson often.

He was big and so is most of America. Bigger than big, however many of these over-sized people think of themselves as normal, especially the women and no one forgives these little elephants more than feminists who are constantly fighting man’s attempt to focus beauty on one ideal form ie a skinny model or a sex bomb starlet.

Skinny is not normal for feminists according to a UK study. Members of a survey shown a set of photos of women were asked to identify with the fattest and thinnest women in the photos. Most women picked fat.

After all most women are fat if only to project enough body mass to scare men from having sex with them and I can’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to have sex with me either.

Fat women of the world unite, but I have to warn them not in one place, because I wouldn’t want the crust of the Earth to collapse.

And neither would Fenway.

He still has a lot of living left in his tank.

Not Again Not Ever

The KKK was founded by Southern white supremacists after the defeat of the Confederacy in 1865. Armed bands of ex-soldiers roamed the night to terrorize freed slaves and elected former CSA General Nathan Forrest was elected Grand Dragon of the racist organization. Thousands of blacks were killed during this first reign of terror and the election of 1868 was a disaster for anyone not voting the Klan line. The federal government and northern veterans attacked Klan members through the law and violence. By the mid-1870s the Klan faded from the political stage, but they were merely in hiding.

DW Griffith's BIRTH OF A NATION rekindled The KKK, especially since KKK President Wilson supported the film and the movement to fight black progress and the threat of communism. The protestant churches refused to back the Klan, but the next three presidents were also Klan members and in 1921 over a quarter-million KKK members marched in Washington, a predominantly black city.

Like blacks whites from the south migrated north.

And the nation was ruled by racism.

The burning cross.

Their popularity diminished in the 1920s and membership dropped from 6,000,000 to 30,000.

The KKK never went extinct.

They hated blacks, jews, hippies, unionists, Catholics, socialists, spics, foreigners, gays, lesbians, TVs, Asians et al.

Hate was their drug.

It wasn't for everyone, however in the last decades the KKK have bonded with the Nazis and White Supremacists to create a united front.

Their rans have been swelling in resistance to the tearing down of Confederate statues.

History shall not be replaced.

Blood and soil.

This week hundreds if not thousands of them gather in Charlottesvill VA to protest the removal of Robert E. Lee's statue.

They shouted racist slogans and the police stood doing nothing.

They are KKK members too.

The violence escalated.

The Nazis marched at night.

And their leader gives them the green light.

One dead and a score wounded in the battle.

Many of the Nazis wore Donald Trump's golf outfit.

None of them were as fat as Fatso Trump.

A Nazi through and through.

And they have no rights in America.

None at all.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Fuck Fatso # 45

The less said, the better.

Fuck fatso.

He'll never be my president.