Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Pandaphant Breeding

Pandas are notoriously slow breeders; indifferent to sex, however Thai zoo authorities have succeeded where native Chinese zoos have failed by breeding pandas with elephants. Tens of pandaphants are tromping around Thailand. Come and see the amazement. They are a sight to see.

Bangkok Airport Hard on UK Shoplifters

Bangkok Airport or Cobra Swamp Sanam-Krueng-Ban was empty of tourists at midnight. My flight was the only one landing at the showcase of Thai technology. The usually lengthy immigration process took less than two minutes and the officials were actually smiling. No one was buying anything at the duty-free shops monopolized by King Power. Tourist arrivals are off by double-digit numbers and sales for duty-free perfumes and luxury goods are threatening the airport enterprises with bankruptcy, however King Power knows how to act in times of adversity and last week had the airport police arrest two British travelers suspected of shoplifting a Givenchy wallet, despite the Thai prosecutor admitting that there was no video backing up the King Power complaints.

The Brits were freed after convoluted negotiations by a Sri Lankan national working for the Tourist Police in which they paid over $11,000 to exact their freedom from a sordid hotel on the airport's outskirts. They were warned not to tell anyone about their ordeal and finally fled the hotel to the British embassy. Their passports were surrendered to them and the couple were granted departure permits with Thai officials swearing that no charges were being sought against the two.

No one wonder no one is buying anything at King Power.

Avoid it like the plague.

Beijing Landing

I flew into Beijing yesterday over the northern mountains and across the swathes of high-rise blotting the plains without seeing the Great Wall. That legend about the barrier being visible from Space is a myth or perhaps I didn't know where to look for it.

Our 747 disgorged its passengers into the new airport built for the Olympics.

I went to the bathroom en route to customs and when I emerged no one was in sight. No cops, no tourists, no airline reps. No one in the long gateway. At first I thought the airport had been shut down after our flight, however as I neared immigration for international transfers several cleaning attendants appeared on the other side of the glass, earnestly wiping the 40-foot high windows of any fingermarks as if they were at the scene of a crime. I was the only foreigner passing through immigration. The customs official was wearing a mask to avoid any contamination from swine flu. A doctor checked my temperature and I was waved through to my next flight. Only one duty-free was open and a single restaurant. I bought a beer for 15 yuan and then sat at the gate for an hour. The only passengers in that terminal were for the Bangkok-bound flight.

Fifteen gates and not a single other jets.

We were driven to a waiting 737 for Air China Flight 979.

In the distant the northern mountains glowed with the sun filtering through the desert dust.

It must have looked this way for centuries before the airport was built and somehow I got the feeling that it would look that way again within the near-future.

The Reach of Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson left Neverland DOA. Millions of fans around the world mourned his promotion to the next world with flowers deposited before US embassies. My younger friends in New York reported that on the night of his death club-goers were dancing to a frenzied cascade of Michael Jackson hits from the Motown years on into the 21st Century. Thriller was his Mount Everest with the hit-spawning monster selling over 100 million albums. This epic success earned him worldwide recognition, although I never understood how far his influence had penetrated the masses, until I was crossing Lake Poso in 1992. The evening passage across the 500-meter high lake required a stop at a small shoreside village to avoid the danger of the nightly winds coming off the mountains.

This village had no electricity. The locals cooked food in wooden shacks and a young boy played Indonesian love songs by the fire. The only other foreigner on the boat was a German. Somehow our conversation turned to Michael Jackson. The German may have been a rave fan.

"Michael Jackon is #1."

"For dance music, yes, but there's not one song of his that you could play around a campfire."

I was immediately proven wrong by the young guitarist playing BEN, Michael Jackson's first solo #1 hit from a movie about killer rats. Halfway around the world without a radio or TV, this song had come to Lake Poso. And the guitarist knew all the words. That was the strength of his reach.

And few people can beat that.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Death to Beermas

My friend Miguel had an opening Thursday night at his Orchard Street gallery. Esoteric bread sculptures. I surveyed the works for several minutes and then grabbed a beer. The sky was clear for the first time this month and I stepped outside. New York has been experiencing a very English summer. This evening air was soft. Almost summery. I declared the evening to be Beermas. A good night for drinking beer. I joined the conversation about Michael Jackson's death. I was explaining how he never recorded a song you could sing around the campfire.

"Beat it." A young blonde art assistant said as if she had been in a Girl Scout chorus at summer camp.

"What about Ben?" A bearded artist suggested with authority. He didn't look like Boy Scout material, but he was right because I had heard Indonesians sing BEN around a campfire by the shore of Lake Toba.

Before I could defend my premise a non-descript Chevy pulled over to the curb. Closes to the curb. I stepped away, pulling the blonde with me. Three cops were in the car. I realized they had stopped to put a halt to our drinking in public. My reaction time wasn't as spry as the young people on the sidewalk and the driver of the unmarked car pointed at me, "Let's see some ID."

"I'm old enough to drink."

"It's against the law to drink from an open container in New York City." He cited the ordnance without giving a number. He was from the 7th precinct. It was the end of the month. They had yet to reach their quota of tickets. His partners corralled ten of us. each with a bottle of beer in our hands. "Who owns this gallery?"

"I do." Miguel exited from the gallery with a cigarette in his mouth. "What's the problem?"

"It's against the law to distribute beer from a commercial space without a license." He certainly knew his stuff. His partners were backing him up with hands on their weapons. 9mm pistols. Everyone was dangerous to these cops.

"There are over 500 galleries in New York. Everyone does it." Miguel was arguing for a break. It was the first time he had heard of this law, although the New York Times had mentioned a Chelsea gallery being cited for the same offense several months ago. "I'll tell everyone to put away the beers and shut the gallery. Would that be enough?"

"Too late for that." The officer was in his late-20s. He was aggressively standing close to Miguel hoping for further trouble. Miguel would not play his game and said, "Here's my ID. Do what you have to do."

And that was write the beer-drinkers for 'open container' fines. $25. His partners were embarrassed by their fellow policeman's behavior. He might have been having a bad day. Several of the artists were mocking him. He turned his head with the speed of a snapping turtle discovering someone is painting its tail.

"Anyone want to go to the precinct house. You wouldn't think that was funny."

"Officer, no one wants to go anywhere but home tonight." I lifted my hands with palms open.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" He was in no mood for discussion.

"Nothing officer. Nothing at all."

"Good," He bit his lip, realizing he may have overstepped his bounds. "Sorry about this, but if i passed you by and someone saw me, then I would have gotten my ass chewed out or even cited same as you. It's not me. It's the precinct house."

No one said anything and the cops drove away. We went downstairs to finish the beer. The officer was wrong. He was the one who killed Beermas. But then that's the way of life in the Land of the Free. No fun at all.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Eden Roc

It's been over 20 years since I've been to the South of France.

October. 2008. Cap d'Antibes

I was swimming in the Baie Doree. No one in the water except for me and an older woman. I stepped on something sharp. I thought it was glass, except I saw a small fish swimming away from my feet. The older woman said, "C'est une vivier."


I didn't understand her comment about poison until several seconds later. A burning sensation crawled up my leg. Intensifying with every heartbeat.

"Poison fish?"

She nodded her head and I made it to the beach, then crossed the road to my girlfriend's husband's chateau. (the French are so sophisticated that way) I entered the house and announced, "I think I just stepped on a poisonous fish."

"Fine." Bridget muttered with disbelief. She was a Vogue model. Her tastes were very pricey. "If you don't want to go shopping, just say so."

"No, I really am sick." My body was on fire.

"Right." She stormed out of the house. "Another weekend you've ruined."

Luckily I had the number of the doctor. He interjected a countermeasure. Bridget thought it was dope. She didn't speak to me for the rest of the weekend. Her husband said we were going to the doctor. instead he drove us to Eden Roc. It was sunset. he ordered a bottle of champagne.

"I'm not sure if i should."

"If you were going to die, you would be dead already." Guy was an ex-mercenary. He loved Bridget. Anyone with a libido would have done the same. We watched the sunset. It was almost romantic. Neither of us mentioned her name. It was better that way at Eden Roc.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Make Nice to a Piece of Shit

47th Street is a closed community. Everyone knows each other. If you say something about someone to somebody else, you can be sure whatever you said will be filter through several layers to come out much worse than what you had originally had stated to the first person. Best in most cases to say nothing, however Richie Boy's partner at the Plaza had screwed me out of $3000 and then stiffed me on money and bounced checks. Said I fucked up on the banks. None of it was true. He just didn't have the money in his accounts. He could have told me that and I would have been fine. Instead he made me out to be a scumbag. Even after I set them up for a $1 million sale. I had found the customer. I had found the stone. Richie Boy's partner recognized none of it. He was a classic piece of shit.

"If I see him in a room, I will give him two minutes to leave, otherwise I'll stick a fork in his eye." I told this to Richie Boy's father. Manny came from Brownsville. Mike Tyson's old neighborhood. No one knew how tough it was there. Only people like Tyson and Manny, who counseled, "Better you say nothing."

"I'm only saying it to you, because you can keep your mouth shut." I was hot. Hot enough to walk over to Richie Boy's partner and do something crazy. Only I was leaving for Thailand to see my kids. Two months in the Orient with my two wives. I didn't need any trouble. Both women were trouble enough, so I said to Manny, "I'm going to be cool. I won't speak to the piece of shit. He won't get a fork in the eye. End of story."

I thought that was the end of it, except Richie Boy's partner saw me on the street. I blanked him like a dog. He called up and asked if we had a problem.

"No problem." I hung up the phone. I don't speak with pieces of shit. It makes life easier. The previous owner of our exchange was the same. Howie and I shot every Monday night at the shooting range on 20th Street. He never tolerated liars other than me, because I told good stories. I don't think he ever liked Richie Boy's partner either, however business was business. Money makes for strange relationships and Richie Boy's
partner telephoned our office several times in the next few days. I never answered the phone. I told everyone else to field the call. None of them wanted to answer either. Richie Boy's partner was a piece of shit to them too. Manny fielded the call. he would speak to anyone. I told him thanks. I didn't want to make any trouble before I left.

But some people can leave well enough alone and the next morning Richie Boy tapped me in the chest with a pen, "I want you to be good to him. I make money with him."

"Really?" His partner had shorted everyone for cash, but I was on the wrong side of the equation. I was a goy. Then again I was a math major in university. I could add and subtract and no matter how Richie Boy painted his partner, he was still a donkey in my eyes. I kept my mouth shut. This was 2009. Jobs weren't easy to hold. Later I mentioned Richie Boy's comment to Manny.

"What are you going to do?"

"Nothing." It was the best tactic.

"Nothing?" Manny was a starker. That meant a tough guy in Yiddish.

"Whatever I do won't change the fact that Richie Boy's partner is a piece of shit." I had forgiven Richie Boy. We went back 30 years. That time outweighed his partner's bad. Only by a little, but enough to cool me down.

"Can you keep your mouth shut?" Manny was a peacemaker.

"As long as he keeps out of my face. No problem." I didn't like thieves.

"Then that's the end of the story."

"So it would seem." I liked Manny. He was 79. People like him are hard to find. People like Richie Boy's partner are all too easy. He was lucky that I was in a good mood. Anyone would be going on vacation for the rest of the summer. Especially if I didn't have to make nice to a piece of shit. Call me a bad boy, but that's who I am.

MIA Governor

The GOP governor from South Carolina has spent the greater part of 2009 resolutely rejecting the stimulus package offered by the Obama administration, stating that to use such funds in order to extend unemployment benefits to his constituents would be unconstitutional. His obdurate stance was seen as an attention-getter to his proposed 2012 presidential campaign as a fiscally responsible Republican. The pressure of this battle took its toll and this last weekend Mark Sanford vanished from the Tarheel State like he had been abducted by aliens. His staff announced that he had absconded to the mountains for rest and relaxation. His tenure as governor was marred by similar disappearance, but none as glaring as this latest.

4 days MIA.

His head of staff said that the governor was on the Appalachian Trail.

"He'll be difficult to reach."

Especially difficult since he was actually in Argentina visiting his mistress.

Sanford's bid for the White House appears to be detoured by this revelation.

If only he were the Italian Prime Minster, who has been photographed au natural in a state of hyper-Viagraism and remains in power, despite alleged payments to young girls for nocturnal favors. Of course Burlesqueconi never said he was a saint.

No rest for the wicked especially when they try to be good.

Fuck the GOP.

But then like Richard Nixon said, "We need some good-looking women in the Republican party."

Maybe that was the governor's problem.

Not enough good-looking GOP girls.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Man's Best Friend

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's happy to see you!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Good Germans

The weekend promised rain to New York City. Only a few people in our diamond exchange were schlepping out to the Hamptons. The rest were discussing movies. The offerings from Hollywood were frustrating the conversation. I was ready for my second cup of coffee. It was almost 11.

"Can you ever remember a summer this bad?" Steve from across the aisle held up the Arts Section of the New York Times. He liked going to movies. He had already seen THE LAND OF THE LOST and X-MEN. Neither had earned any stars.

"Last summer wasn't any good." GET SMART wasn't funny. STAR WARS : CLONE WARS was a cartoon. DARK KNIGHT was for young boys without a life. Only WALL-E stood out. "Hollywood can't make any movies."

"They're only interested in selling popcorn to pimply boys." Steve had good skin for a man in his 40s.

"Nothing wrong with that." Karl our broker commented from his desk. He hadn't seen a movie since GLADIATOR. "They make movies like that to make you feel young. Feel like a 15 year-old boy."

"Not me. I feel creepy in the theaters." The floors were sticky with discarded candy wrappers and spilled soda. Plus everyone talked during the movies. I couldn't blame them. Nothing on the silver screen could hold their attention for more than 10 minutes. "Too many people I don't know."

"I'm waiting for 2012." Steve's cousin was performing in that apocalyptic film. She was part-French. Blonde too. Most of the men in the exchange had a a weakness for schiksas.

"The only good film I saw this summer was GOOD. It was about a good Nazi." My coffee arrived from the little shop in our building. I tipped the Mexican $1.

"A good Nazi. There's no such thing." Manny my boss offered from his desk. It was piled with paperwork. This was his mid-morning break from shuffling bills. "Every German was a Nazi in World War II and now all their kids are Nazis."

"What kind of car do you drive?" I asked pouring a packet of sugar into my coffee. I had lived in Hamburg. Six months. I could speak German. Three years in high school. Mostly Ds and one F.

"A Mercedes."

"I thought so." My high school teacher was from Bavaria. He chain-smoked in class. My grades in German cost my scholarship. I didn't blame him. He sent me Christmas cards even after I graduated from Xaverian.

"What's that have to do with anything?"

"Just that you hate Germans and drive a German car." I hadn't met many good Germans in Hamburg, then again I was working at a nightclub owned by a pimp.

"I shouldn't drive a good car, because there are no good Germans." Manny was adamant about this verdict, however an older woman Nancy across the aisle rose from her chair. Nancy had been a child in the 40s. Those dreadful years had not stolen her elegance. Her husband's death had saddened her, however she was still good fun and never was offended by my offers to spirit her away for a long weekend in Paris. The Plaza Athenee. She wagged her finger at Manny. "You don't know Germans like I know Germans."

"No one's arguing that." Manny like everyone else knew that Nancy had survived the camps. She never said which one.

"If anyone can say that there are no good Germans, I can." Nancy was in her 70s. "Truth is I never met any. Not in the war years, but my cousin he was gay. His boyfriend was an SS officer. He loved my cousin so much that he hid him in his house. My cousin was happy with this arrangement, because while no one knew exactly what happened in the camps, we all knew it was nothing good. A year goes by and the SS officer asks my cousin what is wrong. He tells his lover that he is worried about his parents who are hiding in a small town. The SS Officer asks if my cousin wants to see them. My cousin is too scared, so the German goes instead. when he comes back, he says that my cousin's parents have been re-settled. They survived the war, because the SS officer arranged their transfer out of the death camps. My parents were not so lucky, so there were some good Germans. Just not enough of them. Was that movie any good?"

"GOOD?" Her question was posed to me. I thought about it. "No, not really, but it's better than anything else at the cinema."

"Would you take me?" Nancy smiled going back to her desk. "I haven't been to the movies in years. Not since my husband passed away."

"It would be my pleasure." If anyone could revitalize my movie experience it would be Nancy. Women her age don't eat pop corn. Only chocolate.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

When is Old Old?

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ...'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses..

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless... It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.

Daredevil Neo-Senior

The Gowanus Swimming Club will be opening soon. Three dumpster filled to the brim with NYC drinking water. The location is a secret to anyone not in the know. I am privy to this information, because I've been granted permission to jump off a roof into the pool. The depth is about 7 feet. The height of the building 15 feet. I'll be wearing a safety baseball cap. Red Sox. Certainly can't be anymore dangerous than jumping off Rooftop in the Quincy Quarries back in 1965. That was 50 feet.

I was only 13.

My age is as secret as the location of the Gowanus Swimming Club.

Someplace north of 50.

Nothing scares the old out of you faster than a death-defying feat.

Two Places at One Time

My friends have been asking me what am I going to do about having two wives in Thailand. My explanations about mia luang and mia noi sound good 9000 miles away from the land of smiles. Only problem is that next Saturday I will be boarding a plane for a flight to Bangkok. Wife #1 is in the north. Wife #2 is in the south. 2 knows about 1. 1 doesn't know about 2. I have told #1 that I will be arriving several days later than my actual landing. Wife #2 will be happy about this, until I leave to see wife #1 and my daughter.

Jealousy runs deep in Thai blood.

Jai Ron or hot heart.

I'll go see wife #1. Stay one week and then drive south for a beach holiday. Wife #2 will be down the street. At that point I will have to be two places at once and the only way to do that is be three places at once.

I'm scheduling a trip to Burma.

I know escape is a coward's way out, but better cowardice than a chopped off penis.

Any man in my situation would agree.

No Shame for Italy

Silvio Berlusconi has threatened to sue Spain's El Pais for publishing several photos showing the Italian prime minister naked with young women. naked party photographs. A scandal of this magnitude would result in resignation of office in the USA. Mr. Berlusconi took the high moral ground and declared the photos an invasion of privacy, especially since they were taken during the stay of the Czech prime minister.

"Do you take a shower dressed? These girls were bathing in a whirlpool bath inside a private home, and they were assaulted in a scandalous way. Do you take a shower in a jacket and tie? These are people bathing in a jacuzzi inside a private house meant for guests."

The 72 year-old leader's protestations fell on deaf ears, since he was sporting a raging erection on one shot. He was not wearing a condom either, then again you don't wear a raincoat in a shower. His critics accused the septuagenarian of not acting his age. Only weeks before he had been tied to a youthful lingerie model, who calls him 'Papi'. Italian men were more forgiving. The 18 year-old was cute and no Monica Lewinsky, plus the leader says that they are just friends.

Bill Clinton said the same thing until the media heard about a semen-stained dress.

Guilty, but he survived and so will the wily Italian.

Love Italian Style

Our Army Likes to Party

Anti-temperance zealots were dismayed to discover that NASA astronauts routinely blasted off from Cape Kennedy in a state of inebriation. This need for self-medication should come as no surprise, since no sane or sober person would sit atop a million gallons of highly explosive fuel to attain orbit in Space. Do-gooders have imposed a zero-alcohol policy for the Final Frontier and the Bush regime pushed through the same edict on the men and women serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. No alcohol in the war zone to avoid offending the local population.

Alcohol is strictly prohibited by the Koran.

Sober overseas, the Army has recognized a sharp increase in alcohol abuse within the ranks.

"We're seeing a lot of alcohol consumption." One general told him staff and the blame for this surge fell on the stress of fighting an eight year war. The Army claims only 1% of the troops are drinking heavy. The numbers are probably much higher.

"Wouldn't be if they could drink on the job." My friend Nick had served with the royal Navy. Sailors were given a daily rum ration. Soldiers in previous wars fought drunk. US Grant was a noted heavy drinker. No one could force me to charge an enemy sober, which is why I never joined the armed forces.

That and having to wake up early and let people you don't know shout at you.

The Army of One needs a drink.

Marines too.

Better drunk than suicide.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Sorry About the Slavery Thing

The USA was founded on the extermination of one race, the slavery of another, and the exploitation of the foreign workers. Most Americans would not agree with this assessment, however this week the Senate unanimously apologized for the centuries of enforced servitude by Africans. No mention of the Indian or Chinese slaves or my having to mow the lawn for my father without financial recompense.

Yes, I was a slave too.

The Senate will sent their resolution to the House, which might not be as gracious as the Senate, since this national apology could lead to compensation to the descendants of slaves. Even millionaires like Michael Jackson and OJ Simpson. Most whites are against this pay-out. A better solution might be to grant blacks the right to run casinos in the original colonies or legalize three-card Monty. It won't make up for the centuries of abuse, but it would be a start.

Skateboarding in the White House

GW Bush was very straight on protocol in the White House. Everyone had to wear a tie. Humor was used to manipulate the public's perception of the president's likability factor. Clinton's regime was also rigid when it came time to maintain the imperial mantle, although Bill was a little remiss with his hitting on Monica Lewinsky.

Barack Obama is not either of those guys.

First he swats a fly bead during an interview and now he allows Tony Hawk to skateboard through the White House.

This is no longer GW's White House and I love saying to right-wingers.

"Shut the fuck up."

Rock on Obama.

I only wish it had been Jocko Weyland instead of Tony Hawk.

The Answer is Never.

100% Recovery

My lungs were infected with a nasty viral infection. I live in America. My health policy is 'hope to drop dead before I have to see a doctor'. I am uninsured in the most powerful country in the world. Everyday for the past two weeks I woke with a hacking cough. At first I thought that it was swine flu. I went to the Internet and researched the symptoms; cough, headaches. runny nose, achy joints, nausea.

I only had the cough.

Still being a hypochondriac I suspected the worst and planned my funeral.

A simple affair.

Cardboard box and a few cases of beer.

My fears of demise were unfounded, for I have recovered from my ailment.

I'm healthy again.

Healthy enough to drink beer.

This miraculous recovery had nothing to do with Western medicine or Medicare.

Only my body's superb will to live.

60 is only 3 years away. 100 only 43. Old age here I come. My father's almost 90. I should be so lucky.

Monday, June 15, 2009

AMA anti Obama

I've been sick for the last week. A vicious bronchial infection. I'm a little better now, however in the depths of my malaise I rode the New York subways and was knocked aghast by the realization that most of the city's people are in bad health. Not from swine flu or AIDS or cancer, but a general illness whose source is decades of bad medicine in the richest country of the world along with a corrupt food source. I felt like I was cursed by a Cassandraesque vision, for whenever I mentioned my feelings to other people, they regarded me as crazy.

"What do you mean? Sick?"

"Not sick so much as unhealthy. Like they were eating the wrong foods."

"There's nothing wrong with our food."

Nothing wrong with 10,000 flavors of potato chips?

Even worse the AMA fails to recognize the problem and blame the present health crisis on malpractice suits. They went so far as to boo the president, when he indicated at a symposium that he was not supporting limits on malpractice cases.


Obama isn't used to that kind of treatment, but the AMA is also dead-set against universal health care a la Canada and France.

"That would be socialism." My doctor said to me this weekend.

Damn Pinkos.

Global Cooling

Chicago has recorded the coolest June this year. New York hasn't seen a single day of warmth. I've been fighting off a lung infection for two weeks. The Western Hemisphere is cold and meteorologists are predicting another stretch of seasonally unusual weather. Anti-Global Warming critics have seized on this trend to kibosh scientific data from NASA pointing to catastrophic changes in the world's temperature. Glenn Beck from Fox News couldn't be happier with the aberrant climate fluctuations, however I remember hot summers. This summer is not normal and at this rate no New Yorkers will be swimming at Coney Island this year.

I could give a rat's ass.

I'm off to Thailand in two weeks.

Temperature 85F.

I'm getting ready to sweat like a pig on a spit roast.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

32 Million Chinamen No Women

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.” Charles de Gaulle.

That statement was true in the 1950s. The population was a mere 500 million. The Frnech general's words are over twice as true now for the Chinese crowd 1.3 billion within the confines of the old Celestial Kingdom. The 'One-Child' policy prevented that number from reaching 2 billion, however this radical policy has resulted in extremely large disparity in the male/female of the young. Over 32 million males are doomed to spend their lives without a mate and their ranks are certain to grow. The government has no answer to this dilemma and frustrated men have resorted to desperate measures to acquire wives.

Many bribe prospective brides with offers of money.

$5000-10,000 US for a cai li or bride price.

Cash in advance.

This signing bonus has created a subclass of runaway brides preying on the lonely. These women hustle scores of men with the promise of marriage only to abscond with the money without any forwarding address. The men find themselves in debt to friends and family, but are so lovelorn that they are willing to forgive the scammers if they come back.

They are never coming back and China will be a sad country of broken-hearted men, unless they accept the only solutions available; celibacy, homosexuality, or buying a sex doll robot from the Japanese.

I know my choices.

Two out of three.

Permanent Record

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

These lines from Emma Lazurus' sonnet THE NEW COLOSSUS have graced the base of the Statue of Liberty since 1903. This open-door policy has been short-listed over the years. John Lennon was refused entry for a drug conviction and Cat Stevens aka Yusuf Islam for being granted the 2004 Man for Peace Award. Israel didn't like that, but the Zionist nation had nothing to do with a Melbourne woman earning a visa rejection.

Her crime - stealing a bar towel in Thailand. She claimed it was a joke. The bar owner didn't feel that way and the holiday-maker spent 18 days in Thai custody. Her admission of guilt earned her a six-month suspended sentence and a 2000-baht fine, but also a persona non grata status in the USA, delaying perhaps forever the pilgrimage to DisneyWorld that she had promised her four daughters.

Those new computer systems really keep out trouble-makers, especially from the convict spawn of Australia. No telling what kind of trouble those types can make in Orlando.

Homeland Security Status - Level Yellow.

The Summer of War

Tensions heighten on the Korean DMZ. North Korean media has claimed the USA has over 1000 atomic bombs in South Korea and Japan to counter the communist country's growing threat to regional stability, despite the 'fact' that the US atomic arsenal was removed from South Korea after the end of the Cold War. The Foreign Ministry has vowed to accelerate their nuclear ambition in reaction to Friday's UN resolution condemning North Korea's missile tests. No one seems capable of talking sense to the hermit nation. 60 years after the cessation of the Korean War they are more isolated than ever by their resolve to follow the path of Juche or self-reliance. The future is unpredictable, as Kim Jong-il or 'Dear Leader' has been in hiding after a minor stroke in 2008. Succession is unclear, although most observers have fingered 25 year-old Kim Jong-un as his replacement over his effeminate older brother.

Like Grandfather like father like son.

'Brilliant Comrade' is best known for his admiration of Michael Jordan.

25 years old with his finger on the trigger.

Personally I don't believe the North Korean have any A-bombs. They are bluffing like Iraq, but that's a hard hand to call with Seoul only 25 miles from the DMZ. Hawks in the Pentagon would love to nuke them, but Obama is a Bulls fan too and this war threat is only another device to psuh gas prices higher for the summer.

$3 a gallon by July.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Collapse of Free Market Capitalism

Two years ago I was sitting in the Phnom Penh Airport. My traveling comrade was drinking beer. Chang 7-11% alcohol. He's English. I waited for our flight to Bangkok at the gate. Two men sat behind me. One was European. The other American. They were arguing about capitalism.

"There is only one form of capitalism and that's free market capitalism." The American was a businessman. His accent was New York. The stock market was running strong.

"There are many forms of capitalism." The European expounded on the benefits of state capitalism a la Sweden.

"That's not capitalism. That's 's socialism."

"Just another economic formula."

"That's failed." The American was in his 40s. He was probably over in Cambodia for an NGO trying to revitalize the economy. I guesses that he had attended classes at Harvard. His haircut gave away his beliefs. Very close to the bone. We are not at war."

'There is only one kind of capitalism and that's free market." The American slammed the day-old Herald Tribune into his palm. "Anything else is communism."

Normally I would have told him to shut the fuck up, except I was nursing myself through a nervous breakdown. Economics were superseded by the drive for sanity. I wish that was true for the forces of capitalism, however greed overtook sound business policies and 2009 finds free-market capitalism under attack like a blooded doe hounded by hungry wolves.

Free-market proponents of the National Review and GOP swear that the policy is not dead, citing the Dow Jones resurgence. Anyone still buying stocks on the NYSE has yet to see that the emperor isn't wearing any clothes. He's nude and even worse a fat fuck. GM is dead. AIG can pay off the claims of the Hudson River crash. Budweiser sucks as a beer and the movie industry hasn't come up with a good movie this summer.

Comrades get ready to take over.

The red flag is ready to fly and this time there will be no Stalin.

Axis of Evil Elections

The Islamic Republic of Iran was in chaos after the president announced winning over 65% of the vote in which 85% of the electorate went to the polls. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's 'victory was greeted with protests as thousands hit the streets shouting, 'Down with the dictator'. Secret police arrested hundreds, but were also repulsed by angry youths according the the BBC's John Simpson. The president's opponent called the results a charade, while Iran's Supreme Leader asked for calm.

This was no Florida 2000 for the ruling party.


Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 62.6%
Mir Hossein Mousavi: 33.8%
Mohsen Rezai: 1.7%
Mehdi Karroubi 0.9%
Turnout: 85%
Source: Interior ministry

For a view of the BBC video of the disturbances click on this URL


Obviously another victory for the beards, who have to be asking themselves, "Is this it?"

Fox News has yet to declare a winner, but we all know the Vatican is behind everything.

Wicked nuns are impossible to resist.

Jaws Ha-Ha?

Aawut and friends were fishing in the middle of deep sea.

After a long day of fishing, Aawut felt like going to swim, so he took off his clothes and get himself ready to dive in the sea. But as he jumped off the boat, he noticed a large shark swimming nearby. With hesitation, Aawut asked the shark, "hey...do you shark eat people?"

"Ah..no," the shark replied, "I'm a strict vegeterian."

Hearing what the shark said, Aawut felt relieved, so he jumped into the sea.

"But..how can you shark talk in human tongue?," Aawut suddenly asked the shark as he wondered about the fact in his mind.

"Yeah," the shark replied "I am just wondering about the same thing, what kind of tofu talks?"

The Enemy Within

Under GW Bush's watch America was safe from right wing violence. No Ruby Ridges, no Waco Texas, no abortion clinic murders, no Oklahoma State Building bombings. The ultra-conservatives were quiet for eight years. Not any more. Two shootings. One at a Holocaust Museum and another of a prominent Kansas abortionist have announced the opening of a new campaign against the wave of change sweeping the nation as predicted by Homeland Security in April. The climate of hate runs hot within conservative radio and TV with Glenn Beck and Russ Limbaugh seeding paranoia amongst their listeners with tales of the apocalypse.

Judas Priest was taken to court for inciting young teen suicide.

They were acquitted thanks to protection of free speech under the 1st Amendment, however this freedom does not extend to those preaching treason or whose words endanger the public. I never listen to the drug addict of Palm Beach, but I have watched Glenn Beck on CNN. He thinks that he's funny. Not ha-ha to me, but name me two great Mormon comedians. Glenn Beck is not a terrorist, but his audience like those of left-wing gum-bumpers believe every word he says.

None of it is news.

It is merely opinion, but that is what Americans accept as news.

"If you tell a lie often enough it will become the truth." Josef Goebbels

Paul Krugman attacked this cycle of hate in his Saturday column.


This column is Krugman's opinion.

As is Glenn Beck.


He is a little long-winded at times.

Thai Lak Farang

A farang was standing in a queue to buy a plane ticket back home. Just before he got to the front of the line, he counted his money and realized that he was one baht short. He turned to the Thai standing behind him and asked if he could borrow one baht for his plane ticket home. The Thai dug into his pocket and pulled out a ten baht coin. He handed it to the farang and said, “Here. Take nine of your friends with you, too.”

We love Thais too.

Long time.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Mad Dogs Never Forget

Michael Vicks was released by the Atlanta Falcons. He is free to play for another NFL team after serving his sentence for dog-fighting. The former All-Star has apologized to the public for his involvement in this secretive world of dog versus dog in hopes of regaining his vaulted position in the spotlights. The sports world is not so fast with its forgiveness.

Man is a cruel animal. Cruel to his own species. Deadly to others. We adore bloodsport. Man versus man, but some people seek more. I've seen cockfighting in the Orient. Razor-clawed roosters hacking at each other in Laos or Thailand or Indonesia. Drink money blood death. This heady concoction was captured in the dog-fighting segment of Alejandro González Iñárritu's film AMORES PERROS. This is a secret world. In Mexico or the USA. Fights are not televised by cable. They are illegal. The dogs are bred for strength and killer instincts. Blood flows freely, however most trainers care too much about their dogs to allow them to be killed by a stronger opponent.

Michael Vicks was different.

If his dogs didn't perform, Vicks and his friends killed the losers on the spot, terrifying the other owners. Some tried to stop the slaughter. Vicks' crew showed no mercy and the only way for the dog-fighters to stop this horror was to snitch out Vicks and his gang.

Forgive and forget?

Odds are against that.

It's all about honor and no money in the world can teach an old dog new tricks.

Thanks goodness he wasn't involved in shark-fighting.

The End of Urban Renewal

Billions and billions of dollars have been spent on reviving the collapsed urban centers of America. Minor league baseball parks adorn forlorn cities in the Rust Belt. Even more desolate pedestrian malls mark failed efforts. St. Louis, Peoria, KC, Des Moines, Detroit, Providence, West Palm Beach and countless other towns have nocturnal populations numbering in the hundreds if not less and it is plainly clear that Americans just don't like cities. In fact they fear them. TV and movies portray them as crime-ridden bastions of lawlessness, but they are more purgatories of wasted hope and the time has come to surrender them to nature.

I was in Rockford Illinois.


Not a single restaurant open. Not a gas station.

Only a Western Union.

The Same for St. Louis after midnight.

Adn I don't see any revival on the way.

People are happy in the suburbs.

So let the cities burn.

Like the Huns torched Rome.

The skies will be red and then dark.

At least then we will see the stars.

Except in real cities like New York.

They will last for eternity.

Showers with Naked Men

One my most recent trip to the Midwest I drove 2000 miles. Most of them off the Interstates. Chicago-St. Louis-KC-Iowa-Minneapolis-Chicago. Neither my traveling companion, Brock, nor I saw a single hitchhiker. That icon of America disappeared during the War on Terror. I asked other drivers and friends if they had seen any hitchhikers. Everyone said no.

I started hitchhiking in the late-60s. My high school was located outside of Boston on 128. I ran track. There were no bus lines or trains running between my town and the high school. Hitchhiking was the only transportation for anyone wanting to be on a sports team. I would stand at the 138 exit. 14 years-old. Dusk. Men would stop for me. Once in the car they would ask if I had a girlfriend. Their questions became more lurid. My neighborhood was only 5 miles away. They drove under the speed limit.

"You ever have dreams about naked men?"

My hand rested on the door handle.


"Not even Tarzan or Hercules?"

Their interrogations were remarkably alike regardless of their car or age. It was almost as if they were reading from a script. They all smelled of Aqua Velva. Some of them looked like priests. None of them were Tarzan. By sophomore year I had the dialogue down. They drove me home with high hopes. Some even offered money. $5 to let them suck my cock. That was the cost of Levis.

"Sorry, I'm saving myself for my girlfriend."

I remained a virgin throughout high school.

It now seems like a waste.

Then again I was more into Ben-Hur.

For a classic film warning about cruisers, click on this URL


Survivor June 2009

In the course of my 57 years I've stayed in a hospital once. The week of my birth. My parents took me home to Jamaica Plain. Since that day my health has been unchallenged by illness other than colds, poison ivy, and hang-overs. The last year I had thrived in the unhealthy climates of New York. One year without a serious ailment and last week I bragged to a friend, "I haven't been ill this year."

Two days later a cough invaded my lungs. My body was wracked by a low-grade fever. My strength was depleted by minimal exertion. I stayed home one day from work. I would have been fine if I had said nothing. My doctor's diagnosis excluded 'swine flu'.

"A cold. A summer cold. Nothing more." He suggested rest, fluids, and cough syrup.

I slept like the dead. I drank hundreds of gallons of water and juice. Theraflu was my sole form of entertainment. No beer. No wine. No pizza. Life was meaningless. I don't do sick well. My bed became my empire. I watched all of STARGATE-ATLANTIS Seasons 2 and 3. It's been one week. I almost feel better. I survived being sick.

The weirdest thing was that everyone else in New York looked even sicker.

But then they eat crap.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Alaska Next

Alaska is the US State closest to the Asia and citizens of the 49th state have been expressing their concern about the possibility of North Korean missiles attacking their canneries and cruise ship harbors. Defense Secretary Robert Gates' attempts to placate their fears further fueled their paranoia in the face of the Obama regime cutting back on missile defense funding..

"I think they are going to find a target to shoot it at, right here. You lose Prudhoe Bay and the state is gone." A 72 year-old English teacher told reporters dying to flog a story. "I am sure that if anybody is looking at strategic locations North Pole is probably on the radar."

Both Pearl Harbor and 9/11 were in many people's minds as they went shopping at Wal-Mart, mostly stocked with goods made in China, North Korea's most staunch ally.

Thankfully the governor Sarah Palin hasn't issued a comment to the media.

The North Koreans could be aiming at her daughter's boyfriend's house.

I don't think that she would have a problem giving them the coordinates.

What was his name anyway?


Edgar Allan Poe Illustrations

My grandmother had this book in her library. THE COLLECTED STORIES OF EDGAR ALLEN POE. This image scared me and all my friends, but even more terrifying was another with rats tearing at a captive man's flesh. My grandmother bequeathed this book to me. I loved Edgar Allan Poe. Especially The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket. The idea of swirling to an unexpected doom was thrilling to my 10 year-old mind and I loved taking out the book to show the illustrations to my visitors to east 256 10th Street #3E.

I moved from my apartment in 2002 and wrapped this book in plastic for a purgatory in a storage facility along the East River. 4 years of paying $150. I expected everything to be there. Missing were my photo slides, ink proofs of Gaetano Liberatore, and THE COLLECTED STORIES OF EDGAR ALLEN POE. I could have mourned the loss.

It was too late.

BUt I remember the horror.

No one can steal that from me.

Poe died in Baltimore; the cause of his death is unknown and has been variously attributed to alcohol, brain congestion, cholera, drugs, heart disease, rabies, suicide, tuberculosis, and other agents.[3]

The Beauty of Myopia

Myopia denies good vision. I've been near-sighted since 3rd grade. My teacher moved me to the front row, which was reserved for reprobates and vision-challenged children. The bad boys never persecuted the girls, but ratpacked the bespectacled boys as easy prey for humiliation.

4-eyes around the world have been rescued by laser technology. Laser surgery clincis have corrected the eyesight of millions. Previously vision-challenged humans have 20/20 perspectives. My doctor friends ask, "Why not you?'

Why not?

Because I don't want to see everything.

I don't want to see fat girls drinking coffee in the subways or SUVs or the crowded highways.

Without my glasses the world looks like 1950 and every woman is beautiful.

It was so beautiful then.

Party Rules for Youth

My friend's son is having a graduation party this weekend. Somehow I got invited via facebook. I RSVPed 'yes' then checked the guests. Everyone is under 20. I'm three times that age, so I'm in the process of disinviting myself. Swine Flu Fever is a good excuse. Check out this rules of partying list.

Official Party Code Of Law: read it, know it,follow it...
1.) Sleeper law: If one has a history/ habit of drinking to the point of violent vomiting and/or losing consciousness, he or she should not expect anyone to care for them. The most they will receive is a glass of water and a space for themselves in the bathroom, where they will be laid on their stomach with no one to watch them. If they get vomit on their clothes, that's their problem. You don't need to drink to death. This law does not apply to people who have never drank to the point that they vomit and/or lose consciousness; only to the shameless, selfless veterans. Parties are meant for good times, not babysitting

2. Vulture law: Thou shalt not be a cockblock or a vulture. Do not interfere with any hookups occurring around you, unless the cops are coming and all occupants of the house must scram. Further more, if two people are hooking up, do not sit around watching and waiting for your chance to steal one of the members of the hookup so you can get some ass. No mackin on anyone's girlfriends/boyfriends.

3. Teen Movie law: Drama is annoying. If a rival of yours, or a person you just don't like, is at the same party as you, you may not do anything to embarrass the person or ruin their night. No fighting either. As long as you party together, you are required to be friends. If you can't handle it, scram.

4. Clean up your mess

5. Do not damage, steal, or violate the property of the owner of the house/apartment or of any guests at the party. If you do, and refuse to take responsibility for what you've done, you will pay in blood and money (no matter what gender you are).

6. The host may not charge more than twenty American dollars. Fifteen is really the preferred maximum.

7. No rape. No forced hooking up or sexual activity. Generally, no non-consensual interaction.

8. No sex in the host's bedroom, or any other bedroom in the house, without the acknowledgement and approval of the host. If you choose to have sex or do anything else of that sort in the bathroom, make it quick, and don't force anyone to hold in their waste for more than 5 minutes.

9. No peer pressure.

10. All guests must pay the fee the host imposes.

11. The only places where urinating is permitted are the bathroom, the street, and the lawn. No peeing is allowed in pools, on the house (if the party takes place at a house and not an apartment), or on items within the house/ on the host's property (I.E. Television sets).

12. If the host does not want a specific guest to be present at the party, the said guest and the said guest's entourage must respect the will of the host. If the said guest really really wants to be at the party, then he/she must make a special announcement praising and promoting the host. The said guest may also be required to perform sexual favors for the host; however this is rape in 49 states (all excluding Texas) and totally dick in general.

12.5: In general, respect the host. He who holds the party holds the power.

13: One may not hook up with more than three people in one party. This is mainly to reduce the risk of getting the herps, or other diseases.

14: If asked to do so, keep it on the DL. The word "it", in this law, refers to both word of the party, and anything that happens at the party.

15: Don't drink and drive--- This is the easiest part of the permit test, so for you to not understand this concept in practice shows that you are fucking retarded and deserve to die in the car crash.

16: When writing/drawing on someone who is passed out, at least one marking must say "small penis" with an arrow pointing to the victim's genitalia. If the victim is female, one must write "very wide", pointing to the victim's vag.

17: Do not put drugs into an unsuspecting person's drinks or on any other item that they may consume. Also do not trick anyone into taking any kind of drugs (i.e. No giving speed to someone requesting Advil)

18.One must request permission from someone they are videotaping if the person being videotaped is doing something potentially embarrassing or damaging to their reputation (i.e. having anonymous sex/gangbanging, or ranting in German about killing Jews)

19: From the moment you enter the party to the moment you leave, you are an atheist/deist. God has no place in parties (or politics, but that's a completely different facebook group)

20. If an ugly guest (party 1) is hooking up with someone who can do much better (party 2), other guests must respect the 2nd law and the ugly guest's success in getting some. No guest may make any attempt to bring party 2 to the realization that he/she made a mistake. We must recognize the fact that party 1 may get less ass in his/ her life than party 2. Party 2 will have many chances in his/her life to make up for hooking up with party 1

21. No person or persons may hog any liquor for themselves without paying an extra fee. This will be called the "Blockbuster Clause", in that it is much like renting films from block buster. When you rent a movie, you pay a small fee, but when you decide you want to keep the movie forever, you pay extra. It's kind of the same thing.

22. This rule is simple. no being emo. If you are caught moping then you will be asked to cheer up or get out. don't try and get attention by being a wuss, and don't ruin the awesome aura of the party.

23. Similar to 22. Don't be an attention whore to the point that you are extremely irritating. Shouting and be obnoxious is crazy annoying and totally not sexy.

24: The law to please Jared: Do not expose any part of your body that you are legally required to conceal in public places. This law is made void in cases in which an orgy is called for, parties held on nudist colonies, parties that are "birthday suit" themed, the person revealing his/her self is in a private location on the party grounds (whether alone or with the lucky guy/girl exposed to the person's junk), or parties in which pornographers are present (since pornographers have good taste regarding who should be naked)

25. If someone at a party does something embarrassing or pitiful that is caught on tape by someone within his circle of friends, all the members of the circle of friends are permitted to make fun of that person for no more than 9 days so that person learns never to do said stupid thing again. If the person's embarrassing move is really that big a deal/ something that can be changed/ something worth changing or fixing, then the person with the videotape and the videotaped person's friends may not make fun of said videotaped person.

26. Farting/ expelling of any stench considered gross by the general population of the party is not allowed on a dance floor or any other location in the party vicinities where there is a high concentration of people.

27. people who volunteer to help the host with the party, the host/ the person who bought the drinks ows the volunteer 2 free drinks. Helping the host includes everything except opening the door for guests, cleaning up yoru own mess, helping drunk people that violate the 2nd law, and anything else that is not required or expected from any guest (this law will be edited as more things come to mind)

28: This is an amendment to the first law: 20 dollar puking fee!!!

29: No bringing relationship related drama to a party. This includes drama relating to both former and current relationships. No arguing between boyfriends and girlfriends, and no embarrassing of or fighting with ex boyfriends or girlfriends. take it outside where no one else has to be part of it

30: Slutty dancing is permitted and encouraged. however, be aware that if any of the guys you are dancing with (whether simultaneously or at separate times) get hard-ons from dancing with you, you may be obligated to relieve them in ways Jesus would not approve of (simultaneously or separately).

31: Coors light is not allowed unless the part consists mostly of bulimic girls who need something to help them vomit.

[if there is any problems ; fighting of some sort between SOMEONE & others, you will be kicked out, or most likely the bitch that started it]

Kids will always be kids.

DARKNESS DARKNESS by the Youngbloods

At summer's end radio stations compile the 1000 best songs of all time.

HEY JUDE was dethroned by STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN. SATISFACTION by the Rolling Stones had a brief moment in the sun, however my choice for best song was always "Darkness, Darkness". Jesse Colin Young wrote it in 1969 and performed the song with the Youngbloods. The words reputedly were very popular with grunts in Viet-Nam for describing the fears of the jungle. DARKNESS DARKNESS remains as powerful today as then, whereas HEY JUDE is a joke.

Sorry Beatles fans, but how many times can Paul McCartney repeat two words and you think that it's cool?

Like a million times.

The Youngbloods scored #438 for GET TOGETHER in the KZOK Top 1000.


To hear this classic, click on this URL


Oh Grasshopper

Most Americans' introduction to eastern thought was via the TV show KUNG FU starring David Carradine. The lanky actor played a Eurasian Shaolin monk, Kwai Chang Caine wandering the Old West. Wisdom was dispensed through flashbacks to the young man's studies with his tutor, Master Po.

Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
Caine: No.
Po: Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?
Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?

The show concluded with Caine's union with his younger brother.

David Carradine's life ended this week in Bangkok at a hotel off Sukhumvit Road. His body was found by hotel staff in the closet of his room. He was naked and restrained with ropes. Hands tied behind his back. A shoelace around his penis. CCTV cameras showed no one entering the room, so local police were quick to assume that the cause of death was suicide. The family begged to differ, since there was no suicide note, he had bought a new car, and 2008 had been a banner year for the 72 year-old actor. Police changed their assumption and declared that the deceased may have met his demise after a session of auto-erotic asphyxiation went bad. Death via strangulation can come within seconds. Thailand's leading forensic expert commented on his bondage, "In some cases it can suggest murder, too. But sometimes when the victim is naked and in bondage, it can suggest that the victim is doing it to himself. If you hang yourself by the neck, you don't need so much pressure to kill yourself. Those who get highly sexually aroused tend to forget this fact."

The thrill was too much for the actor.

Still how did he tie his hands behind his back?

Questions remain a mystery for the moment.

Poor grasshopper.

Who are You? / from www.nakedfarang.com

Who are you?

Take this fun “cultural” quiz to determine whether you can morally qualify for Thai citizenship. You may be more Thai than you realized. If you are Thai, you may find that you are more westernized than you thought.

1. You need change for your sky-train ticket. There are some people standing in a line in front of the ticket window. Do you:

a) walk straight to the window and ask for change
b) look around aimlessly wondering who you can ask for help
c) never take the sky-train because you always travel by tuk-tuk
d) join the back of the line and wait your turn

2. You are about to pass through the turnstiles in the sky-train station. There are several people behind you. Do you:

a) stop at the turnstile and start looking for your ticket in your bags and pockets while continuing to talk on your mobile phone
b) look around aimlessly wondering who you can ask for help
c) never take the sky-train because you always travel by tuk-tuk
d) have your ticket ready in your hand

3. You are waiting to board a sky-train. The station announcer keeps telling everyone to let the alighting passengers get out first and to stand to the side of the doors. There are yellow arrows on the platform showing you where to stand. The train pulls in. Do you:

a) stand in front of the door and try to push your way through the hoards of irritating people trying to get off the train
b) look around aimlessly wondering who you can ask for help
c) never take the sky-train because you always travel by tuk-tuk
d) stand to the side and wait for the passengers to get out before you enter

4. You have entered the sky-train. It is rush hour and there are several people behind you. Do you:

a) stop immediately after entering the door and wonder why irritating people are pushing you from behind
b) look around aimlessly wondering who you can ask for help
c) never take the sky-train because you always travel by tuk-tuk
d) walk as far into the carriage as possible to allow others behind you to enter

5. You are at an intersection and you want to cross the road to buy some food. Do you:

a) walk straight across the road with your eyes transfixed on the food stall and talking on your mobile phone, oblivious to the traffic
b) stand at the side of the road for 10 minutes and then give up and go back to the hotel
c) get a tuk-tuk
d) look both ways and then cross the road while still checking for motorbikes

6. You are exiting an office building. It is lunch time and you have a one hour break. In front of the building, there are some pretty girls in short skirts. One of them is talking endlessly on a microphone. There is also a kiosk and they appear to be giving something away for free. There is a long line of people waiting in the queue. You can’t see what they are giving away. Do you:

a) join the queue and spend your entire lunch hour waiting to get your free sachet of dog shampoo
b) stand there for 10 minutes and then give up and go back to the hotel
c) get a tuk-tuk
d) go for lunch

7. You are entering an office building. It is still lunch time and very crowded. There are four glass doors, but only one of them is open. Hundreds of people are squeezing in and out through the open door. Do you:

a) try to squeeze through the open door
b) stand there for 10 minutes and then give up and go back to the hotel
c) get a tuk-tuk
d) walk towards one of the other doors, open it, and walk through

8. You are late for an important job interview. Do you:

a) go to Central Department store and look at the latest mobile phones and then get something to eat
b) try to remember why you were going to a job interview while you are on holiday and already retired
c) get a tuk-tuk
d) call the company and explain your situation

9. You are now walking towards the building where the interview will be held. Do you:

a) amble along, meandering across the pavement and scraping your soles on the ground whilst talking on your mobile phone
b) try to remember why you were going to a job interview while you are on holiday and already retired
c) get a tuk-tuk
d) walk briskly and purposefully towards the building

10. You have now entered the building and are approaching the escalator. No-one else is on the escalator, but there is a farang walking briskly behind you. You are both going to arrive at the escalator at the same time. Do you:

a) get on the escalator in front of the farang, stand in the middle and stop
b) try to remember why you were going to a job interview while you are on holiday and already retired
c) get a tuk-tuk
d) walk briskly and purposefully up the escalator

For each answer, give yourself the following scores and then see how you rated below:

a) 1 point
b) 2 points
c) 3 points
d) 4 points

0-9 points: you are mentally retarded and unable to either do simple arithmetic or answer basic questions. Either way, you are socially inept and should seek therapy and/or re-education. In the meantime, avoid sharp objects and, for safe keeping, send all your money to the naked farang.

10-15 points: you are Thai and have an affable disposition, smiling a lot. You smile when you are happy, confused, angry, embarrassed, guilty, gloating or nervous. Your favourite pastimes are sleeping and shopping. Even though you have never tried it, you hate Indian food because it smells bad. Paradoxically, you can not eat Thai food unless it is flavoured with industrial strength fish sauce. You believe that corruption is the blight of Thailand, although your cheating on exams or bribing traffic cops doesn’t constitute corruption because everyone does it.

16-25 points: you are an elderly farang tourist with limited experience of Thailand. You wear sandals with socks, and you don’t think that’s odd. You wai everyone and love to visit temples, taking pictures of everything. You think that Thai people are wonderful and friendly, and you think the culture is charming. You find Bangkok intimidating, but you enjoyed seeing an elephant and paid 100 baht to buy bananas off the owner to feed to the elephant.

26-35 points: you are a young farang traveller and you know everything because you read it in the Lonely Planet guidebook. In Bangkok, you stay on Khao San Road, although you haven’t learnt how to pronounce it yet. Your favourite destinations are the very popular and crowded unspoilt beaches. You hate tourists because they want to go to the same places as you. You are a free spirit and you are totally unique because you have (delete as appropriate) dreadlocks / Celtic tattoos / beads / a didgeridoo / fisherman’s trousers / a tie-dyed t-shirt.

36-40 points: you are an expat living in Thailand. You love the country, the culture and the people, although you still find some of the local customs and habits to be a bit odd and, at times, infuriating. Nevertheless, you embrace everything that Thailand has to offer, while still retaining your own cultural identity. You have built up an immunity to chilli peppers and a mild tolerance to traffic jams. You no longer become angry when people arrive late for appointments and have accepted that you probably walk too fast.

41 - 100 points: you are a cheat and are probably involved in politics. You may well be a former Prime Minister currently living in exile.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

SEASON OF THE WITCH / Julie Driscoll and Trinity

Young boys like older women.

In the 1960s old meant Brigitte Bardot, Peggy Lipton of the Mod Squad, and my favorite was Julie Driscoll who sang for Brian Auger and Trinity. She wore mod clothes. Her make-up was exotic. Her manner symbolized hip London. I dreamed about meeting her. I never came closer than buying their LP. I loved their version of Donovan's SEASON OF THE WITCH. Not enough to buy their CD, but I can watch the group play on Youtube and that is good enough for me.

I can relive the past only for short times.

3-4 minutes and then back to the modern world.

For a listen click on this URL


ps in the end I loved Francoise Hardy more and her I met in Paris.

extremement belle.

Where is Tankman?

A Chinese protester blocks a line of tanks heading east on Beijing's Cangan Blvd. June 5, 1989 in front of the Beijing Hotel. Twenty years ago a single man stopped a convoy of tanks near Peking's Forbidden City one days at the Tiananmen massacre. Cameras and videos captured the young man's defiance of governmental power. Steel versus flesh. After a conversation with the driver of the first tank, security forces hustled him away into the crowd. He has never been seen since and his identity remains a mystery, although some journalists have declared that his name was Wang Weilin, a 19-year-old student, who was later charged with "political hooliganism" and "attempting to subvert members of the People's Liberation Army". This claim has been refuted by many sources as have reports that Tank Man was executed by a firing squad several months after the incident.

"I can't confirm whether this young man you mentioned was arrested or not." said a CCP secretary, leading to rumors that the young man is hiding on the mainland.

Whatever the truth the world owes this man the greatest honor for his courage in standing for truth along with the thousands of students in Tiananmen Square. Their memory is obscured by the Communist Party and the two months of protests ignored by the young of China. They don't want a revolution. They only want a flat-screen TV. Same as the rest of the world.

We can't have everything.

But I honor the man on the tank.

He's my hero.

Only the Dead are Guilty - Tak Bai verdict

A Thai court in Songkla ruled that the army was no responsible for the deaths of 85 protesters, including 78 who died in detention after a confrontation at a police station in Tak Bai. Court officials have refrained from speaking with the media after this verdict. The dead are dead, because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nearly 1000 protesters had congregated to protest the arrest of 6 village officials charged with trafficking in weapons. The truth of the matter was that the rifles were surrendered to 'guerillas' under threat of death. The demonstrators were reported to have attacked the police station and the army responded with a heavy hand.

None of the dead were allowed to speak in court.

Here's a link for a video about this 'accident'.


Bomb Theory Rebound

An Air France Airbus 320a went down in the South Atlantic. The plane had been flying thorough heavy weather. No one on the plane survived the crash and navy vessels have found very little wreckage. Airbus was quick to blame the accident on a lightning strike damaging the avionics, however two other 320As have terminated their flights short of the runway in the last year. A Air New Zealand plane dropped into the Mediterranean and this year a brave pilot brought his Airbus to a safe landing in the Hudson after a supposed 'bird strike' upon take-off. Both accidents are still under investigation, however right-wing conspiracy fanatics have been blaming the Air France tragedy on a bomb, thanks to a bomb threat to the same airline flying out Buenes Aires.

They see weapons everywhere.

They sow fear everywhere.

And people have heard too many lies to believe the truth.

Beware of the lies.

Here's a video link to an Airbus crash caused by the pilot letting his son handle the controls during the landing.


There was also another Airbus 320A crash in Honduras.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Dog is a Man's Best Friend.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's happy to see you!!

This wisdom is thanks to my Palm Beach wife.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Power of Punk

Time-Warner combined with Internet powerhouse AOL in 2001. This merger was supposed to signal the advent of a new era. Few media wizards foresaw the Bush regime's rejection of new technology and the promise of this marriage between old and new communication systems resulted in a dead-loss for Time-Warner. AOL became worthless. Bank notes were due and last week Time-Warner was on the brink of GM doom. Their rescue was from an unlikely source. Green Day's new CD hit #1 upon release.

My friend Jocko Weyland isn't a big fan, however I had seen their performance at Woodstock. Thousands of fans hurling mud clods at the stage. The trio was covered in goop and they played until a chunk of sodden earth stuck Billy in the head with the force of a Mike Tyson punch. He could have gone down. Instead he shook off the coma and rocked the sons and daughters of the baby boom. Me too. They were the descendants of punk and this week proved the power of the Ramones by saving Time-Warner.

Gabba Gabba Hey Green Day.

Of course the suits at Time-Warner don't see it that way, but they are fuckheads.

N'est pas?