Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy 2009


Sunday, December 28, 2008

Is ain't over until it's over

Some people just don't know when to call it quits, as is the case for Thaksin Shinawatra, the deposed Prim Minister of Thailand. Thousands of his supporters gathered outside the parliament. Police said 20,000. PPP organziers claimed 50,000. They were demonstrating against the new PM Abhisit Vejjajiva, despite his appointment by the King. 3000 riot police watched the protest without choosing sides.

Thaksin coming from the ranks of the police is their man, however their loyalty is to the Law and the King is the Law no matter what Thaksin decided while getting his reindeer-driving license in Finland.

Santa Thaksin had nothing to say from his place of exile.

Which is where?


Free Palestine

The bombing continues without abatement and everyone in the world condemns Israel except for the USA and Great Britain. I walked out of the Plaza Hotel this evening and Hannukkah celebrants were standing in Tecumseh Sherman Plaza for the lighting of the giant menorrah. The Mitvah Tank passed on 60th Street. Young children shouting out gleefully, "Happy Hannukkah."

"Happy Hannukkah and Free Palestine." I shouted from the sidewalk with a smile.

"Shut up." Someone yelled from a SUV.

"Free Palestine. Attica. 1968." That was enough. Pedestrian were staring at me as if I were crazy.

Not crazy, but angered by the lack of outrage and it's not from apathy or even antipathy.

Palestine doe4sn't even registered on American's radar.

Not when Britney Spears has the best CD of the year.

Ain't Long Now

Barack H. Obama will take the oath to be the 44th President of the USA at noon on Jan. 20, 2008 and for more Americans GW Bush's last day in office should be tomorrow, however his wife takes issue with pundits who have declared her husband's eight years in the Oval as a failure.

"History will judge his two-terms and I don't have to respond to any negative thoughts about my husband." Laura Bush said on Fox News Sunday, Mrs. Bush says she knows her husband's eight years in office was not a failure and claimed his triumphs as preventing any more attacks on the USA, the overthrow of Saddam, and offering treatment to millions of AIDS sufferers in Africa.

No one bothered to test her for oxycontin, because even Laura Bush has to admit in her heart of hearts that #43 was a total fuck-up.

And I know because I'm a fuck-up too.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Permanent Mideast Peace Plan 2008

Israel unleashed the military wing of its airline El Al on Hamas this morning . Gaza Strip authorities are reporting the heaviest casualties in years from scores of raids throughout the Hamas-ruled strip along the sea. 195 dead in revenge for the recent spate of rocket attacks from within Hamas-controlled territories, killing one Israeli and wounding several others.

"There is a time for calm and a time for fighting, and now the time has come to fight," Defense Minister Ehud Barak said in preparation for the February 10 election and intoned that the air campaign will last through the New Year.

The UN secretary called for cooler heads to prevail, as Hamas vowed a bloodbath.

Of course the only way for a true peace to exist is for Israel to retreat to the 1938 borders, but no one in Israel is contemplating this destiny. After all their lease is written by Yahweh. For ever and ever.

Of course Uncle Carmine had the best solution for the Middle East, which also solved the Cuba Question for the USA.

"What we do is propose normalization of relations with Cuba. We call off the embargo and offered Castro a major league franchise, but only on the condition that he change the name of Havana to Miami, so all the Cubans in Florida move back to Cuba, then we change the name of Miami to Jerusalem and get Disney to built a new Israel there, so the Chosen People can live in peace in the Promised Land. What could be more simple?"

I do miss Uncle Carmine.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Tsunami 2004 plus 4

Four years ago today I was kayaking off Koh Samet. The tour boat had dropped me the southern end of the island and I paddled to a distant island. It was deserted and I was dehydrated by the time I returned to the hotel. Ordering a beer was impossible, because everyone in the bar was watching horrific footage of the Boxing Day tsunami.

I immediately recognized the images from Koh Phi Phi. Even grimmer VDOs were aired from Indonesia, Phuket, and Sri Lanka. We later learned the death totals numbered in the hundreds of thousands, including the grandson of the Thai King.

Nations mourned this disaster.

For days afterwards friends emailed about my welfare.

"I'm fine."

Few possessed a good sense of geography.

Koh Samet is on the Gulf of Siam and at the time of the great waves I was peacefully floating on a plastic plank, thinking what a wonderful world we live in.

And it was and will be.

A moment of silence as the world remembers the day when the Earth rang like a bell.

Here's the equation for the force of a wave.


P = the overlying pressure in Newtons per metre square,
ρ = the density of the seawater= 1.1 x 103 kg/m3,
g = the acceleration due to gravity= 9.8 m/s2 and
h = the height of the water column in metres.

Hence for a water column of 5,000 m depth the overlying pressure is equal to 5.7 Million tonnes per metre square.

In other words 'run for your life'.

Only 5 Days Left in 2008

Thailand's tourism board is reporting record absenteeism in the tourist ranks.

"2,000,000 are gone." One official bemoaned from his Benz.

The sex emporiums of Nana and Soi Cowboy are also feeling the absence of farangs.

One Patpong bar had only a single beer-drinker.

Jamie Parker and he wasn't buying.

"I'm only shopping to rent."

The scores of go-go girls were quick to negotiate fees harkening back to the last century and the prices will only get lower as this high season approaches the depths.

Chok Dii dancing girls.

Chinese Rocks

Unbelievably Johnny Thunders is making another 'last tour' with the New York Dolls along with David Johansen and guitarist Sylvain Sylvain

I love their version of 'Chinese Rocks'.

"I'm living on Chinese Rocks all my best things are in hock."

Back from the Dead.

Date: Saturday, December 27, 2008
Time: 9:00pm - 11:00pm
Location: The Fillmore At Irving Plaza
Street: 17 Irving Place And 15th Street
City/Town: New York, NY

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

The Australian novelist languishes in prison on charges of lese-majeste. He was not pardoned for the King's birthday, but one hopes that Harry Nicolaides will be shown leniency for the New Year. As far as anyone can tell, the Australian embassy has done nothing to aid his case.

Here's a letter from the prisoner to his mother.

Dear Mum,

I have been thinking of you and dad a lot these past few days as we head to Christmas. My only hope of getting through this depends on you and dad remaining healthy. If anything happens to any of you, I will not make it.
I am very weak. My heart is poisoned with sorrow and despair. My only respite is in thinking about the present. The moment I stop to dwell on the past or cling to the future I fall into depression. I lose the will to take care of my health and my presence of mind. The present is a relentless assault against my senses and sanity. I think about resuming my life again after all this is over. Will I be haunted by the memories? Will the stench of rotting garbage ever leave my nose? Will I always walk with my head bowed, looking to avoid stubbing my toes? Will the grime that has stained my skin ever wash away? It's been so long since I've had a cold drink or a hot shower, or food at the right temperature. I have not used a spoon, or fork or plate for three months. I eat out of plastic bags. I am sick of sitting, standing and kneeling on concrete. I shave and wash without a mirror. I long to inhale fresh air into my lungs without fear of infection. I yearn for a good night's sleep, not the semi-consciousness I endure most nights on the concrete floor. I wish to be able to use a toilet privately, not in the presence of 50 other men. However terrible the present is for me, it is more palatable than memories of Melbourne or the future that could have been. These thoughts remind me of all that I have lost. I try not to think about life outside but this does not last long. I see a photograph in an old magazine, hear a voice call my name and suddenly I am grasping at memories - only to fall hard when I realise where I am. I think about the journey our lives have taken. You and dad departed Cyprus for Australia in 1955. You raised a family. You helped to build a community. You witnessed half a century of Australian history. You reared me, educated me and loved me. I have ended up here where my extended detention in Thailand disrupts this great story. This is our story, our family history and our lineage. We must not allow it to be destroyed and scattered. I will remain strong and focused if you will. I will never let go of your hand mother and I implore you never to let go of mine.

Your ever-loving son

Peace and love for 2009 for the writer, who should have learned his lesson by this time. Never publish hearsay even in an obscure novel.

Santa Thaksin

I'm a big believer in conspiracies; Roswell, JFK, 911, and now Thailand enters the arena with the REINDEER PLOT. Supposedly Thailand’s now-deposed Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra met with his allies in Finland to plot the overthrow of the monarchy. The exact date of the rendezvous remains a mystery other than the year.

1999, the birth of the “Finland strategy”.

Like many other conspiracy theories there is no proof of this cabal, then again cabals wouldn't be cabals without secrets and this 'Finnish Plot' gained traction in the months prior to the overthrow of Thaksin in 2006.

I can recall seeing photos of Thaksin in rural areas, where he was attired in royal yellow. At the time I thought, "damn, he's getting cheeky." for the Thais love the King and none would allow any detraction from his power, even if a coup d-etat meant the creation of a republic. Co-conspirators of Thaksin are reputed to be influential businessmen, and veterans of the 1973 uprising.

These allegations came to light in the Manager Daily, owned by Thai rak Thai rival millionaire Sondhi Limthongul, and the five-part story alleged that Thaksin went so far as to acquire a reindeer-driving license in Finland.

Santa Thaksin?

He even went up to Lapland to take lessons.

His wife did not accompany him on this boreal journeys.

She knows better than to get involved in such mad endeavors, for there is a great rumor amongst Thai journalists that the monarchy might not survive the transition from father to son, but I have witnessed the changes in his son and anyone planning on the end to the kingdom had better have a full tank in their Mercedes to take them to the border should their conspiracy fail.

It's not nice to mess with the King.

May he live long.

For more information go to this URL“Finnish+conspiracy”+lurks+behind+political+crisis+in+Thailand/1135242291902

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Funny Money in Thailand

The economic collapse thanks to fat Americans has sent ripples of desperation throughout the world and police in Thailand like many other countries are reporting an upsurge in crime. Break-ins, shoplifting, and now the passing of bad money, mostly 1000-baht bills in the thousands. These faux notes are circulated by enterprising counterfeiters, who have copied facsimiles of the real money with high-tech printers. Thai police have warned the populace to beware of these notes, but farangs new to the country might find themselves holding bad money, since any Thai knows that this money will be confiscated by the banks without any compensation, so they try and pass it off in taxis or nightclubs.

Also watch out for smaller bills whose colors have been washed off and replaced with another bill's images. Say a 50-baht bill to a 1000-baht bill.

For these check on the holographic strip.

Have a good times otherwise.

Pattaya Beach Report - Ban Samae San

Ban Samae San is the southern terminus of the Friendship Highway. This paved road was built by the US Corps of Engineers in the 1960s to supply the bombing missions of the US Air Force throughout SE Asia. Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia. The 10,000 Day War has no meaning to the residents of Ban Samae San now. Their colorful boats ply the waters of the off-limit navy islands and the catch is sun-dried to sell to Thai tourists to the defunct fishing ports of Ban Saray and Ban Amphur.

The town is very picturesque despite the horrendous smell and I’ve always enjoyed swimming off the navy pier. The water is a million times cleaner than Pattaya and the languid atmosphere reminds me a Maine sea ports.

Lost in time.

Not anymore.

The Thai navy has opened up a sea museum on the hill. Tourist buses navigate the narrow streets. You have to pay admission to the navy base. 100 for Thais and 200 for foreigners, but not me, because a month ago I was diving off the pier. The Navy Seal team was watching me from an old boat. My style was strictly backyard swimming pool, yet none of them could duplicate my headfirst plunge.

One muttered, “Farang bah.”

“Mai bah. Kon talay.” I told them I wasn’t crazy and my family came from the sea.

50% of it was true.

As my French friend said about my ability to speak his native tongue, “You can not speak french, but you sound as if you can.”

The same goes for my Thai, so the navy divers picked the most believable half and I became friends with their CPO Robert.

He invited me to the museum opening and said, “Whenever I have something special I’ll invite you down for the day.”

Special meant a tour of the navy islands, on which no one, Thai or farang is allowed to step foot.

This week I got a phone call from Robert.

“Phueng-ni chaao. Phed mung.” His military cadence was easiest understood.

“Tomorrow morning. 8am.” I almost saluted the phone.

I woke with the dawn and packed my bag with snorkel, mask, fins, towel, suncream, book, water, fruit, knife, duct tape, change of clothes and a Thai-English dictionary. Within two minutes I was back asleep. I was no early riser. The maid knocked on the glass door.

It was 7:30.

Water in my face and a rocket ride on my motor scooter to Satthatip.

I arrive at the Samae San navy pier.

No Robert. No boat. A sailor wetsuit asked, “Khun James.”

“Chai, kap.” James is my nom du bar in Pattaya. It’s more memorable than my birth name and gives the Thais a chance to say, “Meuen James Bond.”

Just like 007.

55, American, and will drink anything even a martini shaken and not stirred.

Saturday, December 20, 2008


Just Do It

Prophetic Photo of Gregory Herpe.

ps GW really do it.

The Meeting of Five

President 43 aka GW Bush has extended an invitation to past presidents 39, 41, 42 and the future president 44 to attend a summit in Washington. The announced purpose of this meeting is lend President-Elect Obama their insight into the life within the White House, however some people fear that GW Bush and Dick Cheney are actually conspiring to usurp a 3rd term by kidnapping the other four presidents. I personally think this scenario is far-fetched, but if I were the other four presidents; Carter, Bush, Clinton, and Obama, I would come prepared to bestow #43 with a full-blown ass-whipping for how badly he has pooched his 8 years as Commander in Chief.

More like CFU or Chief Fuck Up.

Classic GWism - "I'm looking forward to the true history of this financial crisis being written. Just some thoughts on this. The markets sometimes create excesses. We're living through the consequences of the excess. I quipped in Texas that Wall Street got drunk, and we got a hangover."

You idiot.

Please let Clinton and Obama restrain GW's arms, while his father administers the strapping.

Of course this event would be pay-for-view to help out the economy.

I'd certainly pay $5 for this treat.

Wicked Xmas

Let's face it, some of us have been too wicked to celebrate Xmas, so bring on Beermas.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

TRISTAM @ Paris Show

Anyone in Paris go see my boy Tristam.

Peace and War

"A before and after picture of Paghman Gardens, Kabul Afghanistan taken 40 years apart, reflecting the results of 20 years of war."

27th PM of Thailand

Thanks to the PPP turncoat Newin changing sides, the Thai Democrats have scored a reversal against their old rival Thaksin Shinawatra with the election of Mark Abhisit, a 44 year-old Oxford graduate to become successor to the previous non-popularly elected PM.
His vote revels in the fact that the Democrats have succeeded in altering the manner in which PM's are selected in Thailand. Not by the people, but the senators.

Long live the masses.

Chok Dii

Bhumipol, Thailand's remarkable king


A wise Western diplomat, commenting on how much Thailand has changed, expressed the common view of the current crisis that this was one that the revered king, Bhumibol Adulyadej, could not sort out -- as he has done so well in all the political crises of his 62-year reign. After all, thousands of anti-government protesters managed to shut down two airports for days, stranding 300,000 tourists, and the Constitutional Court dissolved the ruling party and banned Prime Minister Somchai Wongsawat from politics for five years. Furthermore, although Somchai's brother-in-law and the king's nemesis, former Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra, is in exile, he remains popular in rural areas, still has billions of dollars and many more in-laws to stand in for him in Thailand.

Thailand is like few other places. Since 1932, a constitutional monarch has reigned with few defined powers. But the current king has risen almost to the "absolute" authority status of his grandfathers. The politics since Bhumibol became king in 1946 has been Western-style constitutions with elections alternating with coups (18 and counting) at regular intervals. Some of the military leaders have been inspired; most have been tiresome and backward looking. The Thai say "mai pen rai" (let it be) whenever the soldiers march.

However, there is also a view that differs from the diplomat's: that the king is in fact -- just after celebrating his 81st birthday in a hospital -- savoring a very special and long-crafted victory. If so, in addition to being the longest-serving monarch in the world and the richest monarch in the world, he might be a king who not only reigns but rules. He's a gentle man in appearance, but this crafty politician ascended to his current position through Tammany Hall-style deals throughout the kingdom.

Bhumibol came to the throne inauspiciously enough, when his brother was mysteriously killed in 1946. The military junta that actually controlled the country kept young Bhumibol in his place.

"When I opened my mouth, they [the generals] would say, 'Your Majesty, you don't know anything,' " Bhumibol once recalled. "So I shut my mouth. I know things, but I shut my mouth."

In 1957, the junta leaders were outgunned by a new regime that sought to use the king to promote its own popularity. He outmaneuvered them and has step by step moved ever upward in popular esteem.

In 1973, I asked Prince Birabhongse Kasemsri, later Thailand's ambassador in Washington and after that the king's senior assistant, why the king with his emergent strength didn't depose the comical and corrupt figures running the country. He said the kingdom must save the king for when there was no one else to save it.

That day came sooner than expected, when, later that year, students back from Europe and from Bangkok's growing universities, filled with new ideas, demanded democracy. In a style that has become all too apparent, Bhumibol waited until the ruling trio and the thousands of students were at equipoise, and then sent the trio into exile.

During the 1980s, the king's power was near absolute. Washington in the age of Jimmy Carter was demanding democracy throughout the Third World, so the palace permitted a pliant general, Prem Tinsulanonda, to rule in the king's name, but no one in the know had any doubts about who was calling the shots. And meantime, the economy was also shooting through the roof. It was too great a combination for anyone to dare or wish to stop it.

In 1992, another general misfired and attempted to put down an uprising of students and democracy promoters. After enough carnage, in much the same pattern of 1973, the king waited -- and then summoned the prime minister and leader of the protesters to a televised meeting. The world saw both of them literally crawling on the palace floor up to the throne to receive his (democratic -- or monarcratic) dispensation. Thailand then had a quiet decade, even surviving the seismic challenge of the 1997 economic collapse.

Then, in 2001, came the biggest challenge ever to Bhumibol. Thaksin Shinawatra found a formula for enchanting the rural vote while ignoring the self-styled democrats in Bangkok and pulled off an electoral landslide to become prime minister. With so much strength and a fortune amassed largely from a government-granted cellphone concession, Thaksin made the mistake of wondering why the old man, now moved to his seaside palace in the south, should be permitted such sway. He didn't move openly against the king, but in a thousand ways tried to cut him down to size.

But it wasn't the king who was cut down to size. In 2006, with a nod from the palace, the army sent Thaksin packing. The new government, though, was lazy, and the rest is history: two years of uncertainty, protests in the streets, the economy nose-diving and finally the People's Alliance for Democracy blockading the airports. The alliance's rise and Somchai's ouster wouldn't have happened without a tacit palace blessing, while factions in the army awaited further palace encouragement.

Meantime, the British have frozen Thaksin's assets in Britain and revoked his visa. So Thaksin's other asset -- his rural popularity -- can only decline while the king waits to see what Thaksin will try next.

But this time, does the king need a magic wand? For he has worked his magic slowly over the last few years, letting Thaksin become his own worst enemy, overreaching and doing the unthinkable -- undermining the throne. Thaksin has become like the late Shah of Iran, seeking refuge for himself, his family and his assets. No one wishing the goodwill of Thailand will dare give it, for Bhumibol -- who, according to the prophecy, may be the last of the Chakri dynasty -- has become its greatest monarch.

Thailand will soon quiet down, the economy will once again boom and visitors will throng to its temples and beaches. And, with any luck, this king will be around for a good while longer to savor his victory.

W. Scott Thompson, professor emeritus of international politics at the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy at Tufts University, is an expert on Southeast Asia now living in Bali and Manila.

Mr. Kamins goes to the Orient.

Mark Kamins is headed to the Orient to DJ at the fleshpots of the Far East.

Here's our last conversation via the Internet

I'm getting the ball rolling in Bangkok!
Alan is a trip . He writes like you or you like him?
Japan is cool , its fun aging in a aging country!!
talk soon

Peter Nolan Smith
December 10 at 2:52pm
Alan is a 1000 times more me than me.

A good-hearted roue deeply devoted to the dancing arts

I'm sure he will ask you to make contributions to his favorite charity

No jealousy at all

Mark Kamins
December 10 at 3:04pm
and what might be my friend?
I'm done giving, I take , I pick pockets, I rock my Kansas city roll.
I sell dreams for long dollars. I sell dirty water to drunk motherfuckers, who think the shit is vodka!!
I'M off to Athens to join the revolution . Fuck it all!!
If I had the butten , i would push the cocksucker and watch
it blow up!!!!
peace , hari hari rama

Peter Nolan Smith
December 10 at 5:35pm
you don't understand Bangkok

Charity is a go-go girl your friend fucked two minutes before

Peter Nolan Smith
December 10 at 8:42pm
or maybe even the day before

In Thailand you never lose the girl only your turn

Mark Kamins
December 11 at 12:47am

Here's an interview from

I wish love long time in Thailand.

Fenway's 1st Beermas

Susan Cheever entered the ranks of prohibitionism with today's NY Times DRUNKENFREUDE. Her glib mangling of the classic German term 'schadenfreude' meaning taking joy in the misery of others opens with a 10 year-old tale of a woman's heavy drinking at a Christmas party then shifts into an observation that New Yorkers no longer get drunk at festive gatherings.

While heavy drinking is sometimes a sign of alcoholism it's more often an indication of heavy drinking leading to more heavy drinking in a time where nothing really matters. Not your job, your life, and certainly not what any writer in a newspaper or blog have to opine about the issue of inebriation. The other evening and last evening as well I was drinking wine. My friend Richie Boy scolded my drinking, but only because he wanted something left for the other guests. When they didn't show to our little gathering, we finished of the rest of the wine. It was only one bottle and went to dinner upstairs at the Oak Room at the Plaza. I got home at 10:30 and fell into bed with GHOST TOTEM, a novel about Chinese dissidents trapped in Inner Mongolia during the Cultural Revolution. The book lasted about two pages, but I awoke refreshed by a good 9 hours sleep.

So am I an alcoholic or just a drinker?

I claim to be the latter while recognizing the approach of the former at times.

At least my drinking doesn't interfere with my job as a diamantaire, mostly because there are no sales this holiday season. None. So what me worry whether Susan Cheever doesn't think it's attractive to get drunk. She's probably only attractive when I'm drunk.

I checked Google to make sure.

She's at least 5 drinks from being attractive, but then she is smart and that is more lasting a quality than beauty and I guess that I shouldn't be so hard on her for being a non-drinker, but let's face it the real reason she hasn't seen anyone drunk is that like all reformed sinners or children of drinkers their reproach is a buzzkill.

So happy Beermas to all my friends.Let everyone else drink tea.

ps the beer in Fenway's stroller is empty.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

money equals girls

Click on photo to enlarge image.

SEX #1 for Vietnam Internet Searches.

"The reading of pornography leads to the reading of more pornography." - Gore Vidal

The writer seems to be right in the case of Vietnam, for the SE Asia country leads Google in searches containing the word “sex”, knocking Egypt and India into lower positions. This dominance can be attributed to the Communist Party's repression of sex, love, and absolutely everything not attached to the pursuit of money plus the inherent prudent nature of the Vietnamese people.

Hanoi was the #1 city world-wide for 'sex' searches.

Conversely 'money' and 'rich' are favored by British, Australian, American, and Canadian Internet searches. for the most. It is interesting that the countries ranking first in searching for

Whatever happened to love?

Money Goes Poof

During the boom plenty of smart people said, "A million dollars isn't a lot of money."

It wasn't if you were paper-rich like many investors around the globe, however recent financial debacles have re-educated the rich the value of money. Not money in stocks, but money in your pockets or banks, especially those investors defrauded by the Wall Street firm , Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC1960. The founder had always claimed

Angry investors gathered in the lobby of New York's Lipstick Building. They wanted to know how their share of $50 billion gone poof to 'money heaven'. Only one answer came from the head of the company, as Madoff admitted to federal investigators that his fund was nothing more than a giant Ponzi scam where incoming money was used to pay of returns on previous investments. The house of cards crashed whenever no money enters the system and as on Thursday suspicious callers were told by the operators that the Fund was operating 'business as usual'. In other words trying to scam more money, except there is no more money. Nowhere.

But where did the money go?

To earlier investors.

Billions of it and now there's only $200-300 million left.

"Opps, we fucked up."

Expect more damage to the financial system as other hedge funds join the collapse.

Seems that everyone forgot the old adage, "Whatever sounds too good to be true usually is too good to be true."

Mr. Madoff well-known for his philantrophic nature is facing 20 years in jail.

Devastated investors are hoping the time will be served in a CIA rendition prison and are calling for the legalization of torture.

"Where's the money?"

It's always a good first and last question in a dark cellar.

Concorde Aborted Landing

Back in the 1990s my morning slumber would sometimes be disrupted by the distant roar of the Concorde taking off from JFK. Only if the wind was from the south. Mostly in the summer time. I'd think that those high-powered passengers cramped into the narrow tube of the SST would be in Paris for a late-lunch or an afternoon designation with their mistress. I myself never flew the Concorde. But here's a great URL on Youtubes showing an aborted landing due to crosswinds.

"Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Check Is in the Mail

This is a real SMS correspondence between someone who has promised money to someone else.

The names have been omitted to protect the innocent as well as the guilty.


#1 Is owed money by #2

#1 you promised payment today. i never heard from you. Is there a problem?


#1 Are you coming?

#2 - Yes.

#1 - Any idea what time?

5 hours later.

#1 - So much for your word.

1 hours later.

#2 - Sorry in the morning I got hit with traffic.

12-4 12pm

It's morning the next day. When are you going to get me the 10 K on cash you promised me.

I'll come to you, if you get all the cash together..

# 2 - Almost in the city, then I'll come to u.

#1 - Yeah, that will it a happy day.

#2 - Okay.


#1 - What time should I stop by the store. You have the 10K, right?


#1 - Are you ducking me?

#2 - Not at all. I'll have it for you shortly.

12-5 12pm

#1 - Any news? My kids need shoes.

#2 - Funny. I'm checking the bank now.

#1 - Thanks let me know.


#1 - What the news?

#2 - The check should clear over the weekend. You can buy shoes then.

#1 - Looks like rice and beans this weekend and bare feet.

12-8 12pm

#1 - Monday morning. Can I feed my kids today? Did it clear?


#1 - Did it clear?

#2 - Yes, I will come see you tomorrow at 4pm.



#1 - Hey when are you on the way?

#2 - Who's this?

# 1 - Mister rice and beans

#2 - Okay call me when you can.

After six calls #1 calls it a day.



#1 - Can you please settle this?

#2 - I'll call you when I get to work.

#1 leaves a SMS and gets an immediate SMS 'Okay'.

#2 - Almost there.

# 1 - are you driving?


#1 - What happened to your call and the money.


#1 - This sucks.

#1 calls #2's partner. #2 and partner have nice talk. Not fun for the partner.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Adrian Dannett in Miami

Funnily enough the dinner last night was hosted by GRAFF and I accosted King Laurence Graff to get you a new job without much joy

lots of celebrities wore crab bibs with diamonds printed on them thanks to Graff!



Gallery largesse may have radically dwindled this year as private dinner budgets are slashed but nothing could deter legendary bon vivant media mogul Peter Brant from hosting the most stupendously stellar dinner at his all-time favourite Miami restaurant the venerable Joe’s Stone Crab. If the ostensible cause for celebration was the new Art in America, one of his most respected titles, the gathered great and good seemed more mesmerized by the parade of gigantic rocks sported by some most comely maidens courtesy of co-sponsors Graff. Amongst this power elite were everyone from Chuck Close, the Mugrabi brothers, the Glimchers, Thaddeus Ropac, Adam Lindemann, Barbara Gladstone, Amy Cappellazzo, Stellan Holm, Philip Taaffe, Beth Rudin de Woody and Jeffrey Deitch who even caused the room to break into spontaneous applause. The pleasure of seeing some of America’s top mannequins, all friends of Brant’s super-model wife Stephanie Seymour, strapped by strict staff into special crab bib-aprons culminated with the grand entrance of Naomi elle-même, hailed with enthusiasm by her old London mucker Malcolm McLaren. Guarding all this sparkling meriment were a crack team of Graff’s own in-house heavies and local gun-toting constabulary, mindful of the fact that the evening’s most jovial guest Laurence Graff himself had just bought one of the world’s most important diamonds for over $18m only hours earlier.

Miss Siam 1934

Long Live the King 2008

December 5 Thailand celebrated Wan Pah or Father's Day.

Long live the King.

Aussie Writer Still in Bangkok Jail

Lost in the chaos of recent months is the case of the imprisoned Australian author accused of insulting the nation's royal family in his novel. His most recent attempt to gain freedom through bail failed and the 41 year-old author appears set to spend the rest of 2008 without any assistance from the Canberra government.

"Deaths in the cells are not uncommon. Once we are locked in our cells at 4pm no one is permitted to leave."

The offending book sold 54 copies.

This lack of success had not helped his case.

No one knows that he's in jail or why.

Hopefully the King will grant him a pardon for the new year.

Cook County Crooks

JFK supposedly won the 1960 presidential election thanks to Mayor Daley stealing a hundred thousand ballots for the Nixon ticket. Illinois electoral votes pushed the Massachusetts senator over the top. A Herald-Tribune reporter later wrote that he found names of the dead who had voted in Chicago, along with 56 people from one house. With this in mind the arrest of the Illinois governor on charges of corruption comes as no surprise, especially after Rod Blagojevic was taped saying about the appointment of President-elect Obama's vacant Senate seat, "This is a fucking valuable thing, you just don't give it away for nothing."

Someone suggested this arrest by the FBI is part of a witch hunt, except the federal prosecutor handling the case in Patrick Fitzgerald, widely respected for having gone after Scooter Libby.

Maybe GW Bush will pardon Rod Blagojevic before he passes onto to history as the worst president in American history.

Ale Formenti Show NYC Soho

I love Ale Formenti and his beautiful girlfriend.

Idiots of the Year 2008


Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot of 2008
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the
emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put alll your mony in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick-up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Number Four Idiot of 2008

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture, this time of handcuffs.. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot Number Six of 2008

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot Number Seven of 2008

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Hi-Lo Season 2009

The airport opening on Bangkok created a surge of departures from Pattaya. Everyone was going and no one was coming since the flights had been cancelled and travelers were still being counseled by their embassies to avoid Thailand. The result was that for the first time in years Jamie Parker could drive his 400cc Yamaha SR down Beach Road at sunset without having to brake once. All the bars were empty. The restaurants had a few diners. None of the stores looked busy and some were closed for good.

Business was bad, but not for Jamie.

He hadn't worked in years. At least not for a salary. He parked his motorcycle with the attendant in the alley closest to What's Up. He noticed immediately that there was room to park his bike anywhere.

"Mai mii khon?" He tipped the older attendant 20 baht.

"Mai mii toog wan." The 50 year-old explained that he hadn't ever seen things this bad. Every day was worse too. "Go-go bars mai mii farang. Girls sell sex 500 baht. No business no money. Now Thailand has a problem -- no customers."

"You know many sex tourists go to Brazil now." Jamie had read that Rio had beaten out Bangkok as the #1 destination for the loveless of the West.

"They have ladyboys?"

"Yeah." Jamie had never been to Brazil, but the Brazilian shemale sites were in direct competition with Ladyboy sites. Personally he preferred Asians, but there was no accounting for taste. "I like it here better."

"But no have people. No sanuk." Thais love money even if only to spend it as fast as it fills their pockets. "Airport open. Maybe 15 days for everything normal."

"Chok dii." Jamie had heard enough bad luck stories. His cellphone rang in his pocket. It was Ort. She had been calling all day. She had no money too. Jamie had enough for a night of sin. Ort was always good for that and even more with high season so low. Good luck might be 95% showing up on time, but the other 5% had to be connected to being in the right place at the wrong time and nowhere was more right than Pattaya in late-2008.

Thai Fidelity Test

Farang men actually hire detectives to follow their Thai girlfriends when all they have to do is follow the advice of Cennn3 on

Is your Thai girlfriend bullshitting you?

Ask yourself these questions.

1. Has she lost and asked you to replace more phones than you have owned in your life?

2. Do her relatives become sick and need hospital treatment every couple of weeks?

3. Does it always sound like she is in someone else's bathroom when you phone her?

4.Have you been forced to check the real price for a new Buffalo more than 2 times in the last year?

6.Do you feel her Pussy and Anus have become looser since you last saw her?

7.When you are in Thailand does it seem her brother hangs around a lot?

I thought her brother was a cousin.


Greetings from your US government.

Message to the Americans in Thailand - December 3, 2008

The Department of State is evaluating whether to charter aircraft to facilitate the onward travel of American citizens seeking to depart Thailand. Americans who would like to take a U.S. government chartered flight from Bangkok to another airport in the region, such as Singapore,where they would then make their own arrangements to connect to onward flights, are requested to read through this message and respond as noted below.

Under U.S. law, an American citizen receiving U.S. government transportation assistance
is required to pay for the cost of travel at the rate of the most recently available full fare economy ticket. Therefore, American citizens who choose to fly on this charter must either pay prior to departure with a personal check or sign a promissory note (an Emergency Loan Application and Evacuation document ) for the amount stated and reimburse the U.S. government for the flight within sixty days.

Cash and credit payments can not be handled by staff for these flights.

When I read this I wondered whether I could get them to fly me from the USA to Bangkok on the cuff. I'm good for the money. Really.

Soup Kitchen 2009

Not all financial news is bad this December.

Sales at MacDonald's rose nearly 7% after Americans finally got sick of eating their own cooking to conserve their cash. Mickie D's might not be 5-star dining, however their $1 food offerings has people queuing in their fast-food chain like they were the new soup kitchen for the Crash of 2009.

"Buddy, can you spare me a buck for a Big Mac."

The Assassin's Song

Some Americans considered the offerings of cable TV indispensable to their daily lives, however I have abandoned my old friend since my departure from Thailand. I had no TV in Palm Beach and none at my present digs on Graham Avenue in Brooklyn. I don't watch ENTOURAGE, THE SIMPSONS, or sporting events. I do surf the Internet for porno, however my main form of diversion comes from books, both fiction and non-fiction, and my most recent conquest was THE ASSASSIN'S SONG by M.G. Vassanji.

Random House acclaims their in-house writer as a profound genius and I have to admit his tale about a semi-divine Indian's rejection of his birthright. To be the high priest of a temple dedicated to a long-dead Sufi wanderer with a murderous past. Peace, love, and understanding in times of turmoil set in Gujarat explain the most recent madness in Bombay in that killers kill because they are called to the killing by an ancient song.

Basically it's a novel about a young boy, then a man who decides he doesn't want to be his father and in the end surrenders to the inevitable.

I got the book from the library. It cost nothing. The only energy consumed was that of the subway taking me back and forth from the library. I supposed if I had walked, then my ecological footprint would have been nothing. Still reading THE ASSASSIN'S SONG was a better waste of time than watching TV.

I love reading.

Best Hot Dog NYC

As a teenager my brother and I would drive after dances or concerts to Simco-at-the-Bridge outside Mattapan Square. This neon-lit landmark held the honor of serving the best foot-long hot dogs in Boston and did so 24 hours a day 365 days a year, so that an exiled family member could celebrate Christmas on a stool eating a hot dog or even fried clams. Not exactly cheery, but at least you were not alone and maybe got to see some fool overwrought by holiday cheer jump off the bridge. The drop guaranteed instant pain although not death, since the drop was only 20 feet.

A steady diet of Simco's hot dogs was more deadly in the long run.

My doctor has cautioned against eating hot dogs.

"No more than once a month."

And I obey his instructions, so today I ordered December's hot dog from the stand next to the Fung Wah Bus Stop in New York's Chinatown. 92 cents with tax brings the price to $1. Better than Pappaya Hut or Nathans or even Katz's. Bigger too. I almost ate January's limit too, but I'll save it till 2009.

Jumbo Hot Dogs
149 Canal St.
New York, NY 10002
no phone

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Pearl Harbor Day 2008

Like JFK's assassination everyone of a certain age remembers where they were during the announcement of the Japanese attack on the US Pacific Fleet in Pearl Harbor. Many had to ask, "Where's Pearl Harbor?"

This year to commemorate their ignorance I posed the same question to younger people on the streets of Manhattan. Few of them had a clue other than two Japanese punks who said it was a group from the 1970s.

"As we get old, we forget. As we get older, we are forgotten."


ps Pearl Harbor and The Explosions released their debut single, "Drivin'". It was backed by "Release It" on Nov. 21, 1979. I have no diea where I was, but I think it was CBGBs.

CBGBs Schism

I hung out at CBGBs from 1976-1981 as a regular. Lisa Krystal waved persona gratis past the paying customers. Her brother wandered through the club in a daze. He liked playing chess. His mother acted like a vicious den mother, while Hilly dominated the scene from bookings to managing some of punk's top groups such as the Dead Boys. Those were the good old days, however with Hilly's death and the closure of CBGBs the surviving family members are suing each other for control of the CBGBs name and trademark. This week the court decided to award control of the $3,000,000 estate to the daughter, Lisa, instead of the mother and brother

The mother got 'butkis' or nothing while Dana will receive a chunk of change.

I have to back the judge's decision since Lisa worked his ass off at CBGBs for the years it was my second home, and this is even in consideration that you should never take sides in the family fight, especially if you aren't family.


We'll always have those memories.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Phentermine for the Masses

China might have 700 million more people than America, however the Land of the Free and the Brave outweighs the Celestial Kingdom by a whopping 40% thanks to the obesity fad hitting America. The Communist Politiburo frustrated by the USA’s superiority in this department have launched a massive online campaign to sell Phentermine to the plumb imperialist couch potatoes. Spam is not as harmless as you think and I researched Phentermine through the power of Wikpedia.

“Phentermine is an appetite suppressant of the amphetamine and phenethylamine class.”


The goddamn Chinese don’t realize The stateside factories are working overtime to handle the ennui of teenagers born to fat parents, then again their target market are those overweight SUV-loving moms and dads.

“My SUV makes me look thin.”

But nothing takes off weight like a good speed binge.

“Would you like a Happy Meal?” the lady of the Mickie D counter will ask and you can answer with confidence, “I’ll have a crisp leaf of lettuce. No salt.”

Of course drugs are bad in America unless sold by Merck or Bayer or the CIA, hence the appeal of Phentermine.

“It’s a pharmaceutical.”

Not Ice, not crack, not coke.

FDA approved with these common symptoms

Increased blood pressure
Sense of well-being

I like the sense of well-being.

Nirvana online.

Despite the drug being a schedule IV drug under the Convention on Psychotropic Substances.

Skinny American thanks to the Commies.

The future will be ours.

For a related article click on this URL

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Old Man and the Pee

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says , 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'


Visa Runner Alert

Nothing unsettles an illegal alien more than the closing of a visa loophole and the Thai Immigration Service seems dedicated to terminating the border runs to Burma, Malaysia, Cambodia, and Laos. These trips have been in existence for as long as I've been coming to Thailand and ceased to be any of my concern once I turned 50 and moved onto a retirement visa, however panic has to have struck the ranks of border-runners by the announcement that from now on farangs without a foreign-issued visa will only receive a 15-day visa extension at the border crossings. Travelers arriving by plane will still get 30 days.

Of course if you remain in Koh Klong or Point Victoria for a week, then you might get another 30-day visa at the border crossing.

One never knows how the immigration officers will interpret their orders.

This police order number 778/2551 is today confirmed by Royal Thai Police, Immigration Bureau, in Bangkok.

For those traveling to Thailand I would suggest getting a multiple-entry visa before departure or even better an O-visa.

Chok Dee

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The King's Caddy

Not everyone is not buying GM.

Long Live the King

240,000 Farangs Stuck in Thailand

Years ago Thai Air canceled its flight to New York. The passengers groused about this delay, as we were assigned rooms at a airport hotel. I couldn't have been happier. I called my girlfriend and had her catch a taxi to Don Muang, so I could spent one more night in paradise, however no single airport can handle the more than 350,000 passengers stranded by the PAD demonstrators' seizure of the Cobra Swamp Airport.

At the present flights are taking off from Chiang Mai, U-trapo, and Phuket, but none of these airports are designed to deal with this many flights per day.

I would suggest to anyone looking to leave the country to sit tight and wait out the demonstrators.

Remember you could be in Detroit instead of a go-go bar in Pattaya.

Wild Card for Thailand

Unbelievably Health Minister Chalerm Yubamrung is being considered for Thailand's Prime Minister after the disqualification of the present PM by the Constitution Court. His name has been forwarded by the Buri-ram eminence gris Newin Chidchob, another old Thaksin hand, who feels that the Health Minister's reputation for hardheadedness will aid his any further fights against the PAD. So the battle continues to its inevitable end, which no one can really predict.

Another election. A coup. Or a country without any government.

The last would not be such a bad idea.


Or we could have another dark horse enter the fray.

The Massage King.

Sleep Anywhere

No attribute I admire in the Thais is their ability to sleep anywhere.

I seem to have acquire this gift from my years of living in the Land of Smiles.

I thank Siam for this.