Monday, June 22, 2026

Journal Entry - June 22, 1977 - Gaslight Pub - Park Slope

Last night the improv class at Hunter College was crazy, as Chuck, Carla, and I created another version of STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE about trannys. Carla went home with her ex-husband. I headed back to Brooklyn. No one from Manhattan wants to bridge or tunnel to that borough.

At the Gaslight Pub the crowd was in full swing. Robert, a lanky blood, and his Italian cohort, Rabbit, were fighting over the split of a stolen IBM typewriter.

"60/40." Rabbit offered without a smile

"70 for me and 30 for you. Truthfully I don't know why I'm giving you a cent. I stole it."

"Because I carried it here."

"How much you want?" I asked knowing they cost about $500 brand new.

"$100," Robert said quickly. "They cost more than that."

"This one is used. $55 is my one and only offer."

"Fuck that, I'll smash it the street before I let you rob me."

I plugged in the typewriter. It worked like a dream.

James slumped against the bar. It was 2 AM. He had drunk like it was 6pm. I told him the story. He gave me $100. "Get it. Try and get it for less. Those two are junkies. It's late. They need a fix."

I approached with money in hand.

"Rob you. Go fuck yourself. I'll give you $60. Are we down?"

"Yes," they said as a team. I cuffed them $60.

Can you make it $80."

"Not a chance."

They gave me the typewriter.

We drank till closing and every moment Rabbit was jealous of James hitting on Robert.

They might have been junkies, but they were still in love adn love will conquer all for a junkie except for desire.

And a desire not for love.

Sunday, June 21, 2026

Journal Entry - June 21, 1977 - Park Slope - Brooklyn

Throughout the night David the super of Berkeley Place played Got to Give It Up (Part 1) by Marvin Gaye over and over again very loud. James rolled into the apartment at 3:30 and pounded on Hazel's wall and the ceiling above his room.

"Shut that shit off."

He put on a tape of the World Saxophone Quartet - Point of No Return. I preferred Marvin to Hamiet Bluiett, Julius Hemphill, Oliver Lake and David Murray, but wasn't anything better to fuck with the neighbors, especially David, who turned off his stereo.

Around noon I spoke with Ro to arrange an afternoon rendezvous. She promised chaos. We met at the Riviera Cafe in the West Village. I ordered a vodka-tonic. She had water.

"I'm leaving for Paris to study painting at Beaux Arts."

"When?"

"Soon."

"Then I'll have to get a passport."

"You're coming to Paris?"

"Why not? Flights are cheap. Don't worry I won't bother you there."

She looked at me as if she wasn't so sure about that, but Libby was in Paris. She couldn't be that hard to find."

This evening I had tried to seduce Libby's friend Karen at the Rainbow Room. We danced in a very erotic way. my though between hers. We were both turned on, but she finally shoved me away, saying, "I can't. I have a boyfriend. I'd feel miserable if I did anything with you."

"I understand. I'm very used to being alone."

"It's not that I don't want to, but my roommate is at home, otherwise I couldn't trust myself."

"There's always the bathroom here."

She shut her eyes and said, "Okay, it's not like I'm going to be with my boyfriend forever."

Saturday, June 20, 2026

Summer Solstice 2022

Yesterday was the official summer solstice in the northern hemisphere. The day lasted almost sixteen hours in New York and the sun never set in Murmansk, Russia. I woke well before the dawn and went to sleep far past sunset, as the Earth polar cap tipped toward the nearest star 93 million miles away from our home planet.

Five hundred year after the discovery of beer by the Celts the Druid priests gathered the tribes to erect this monolithic bluestone clock to record the rising and setting on the sun and the passage of the stars. To this day modern archaeologists will not attributed this great feat to the Celts, because the true tribe supposedly arrived in Britain in 600 BE before Caeser's reign over Rome.

Fucking Brits haven't even discovered its ancient name.

No one has come even close.

No one.

Not even us remaining Neanderthals.

The Avebury henges followed Stonehenge's creation. By whom no one knows.

Back in 1994 I drank in a good pub at the northern entrance.

I also climbed to the top of the Avesbury Mound.

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Scientist have calculated that its construction took five hundred men fifteen years.

And over two seas of beer.

The exact purpose of the hill remains unknown.

The view from the top is good, but nothing special.

Stonehenge has its rivals such as the Hopewell Project in Bangkok.

Or Manhattanhenge in New York.

And who can forget the eternal bliss of Foamhenge in Virginia.

It's now 2:33PM

In Brooklyn.

I am ready for a nap.

Longest day of the year or not.

With my head to the west.

As it should be on the summer solstice.

Summer Solstice - June 21, 2024

Yesterday 4:52 PM marked the beginning of the summer solstice, the little best day of the year on the Northern hemisphere. People have celebrated this day since time immemorial across the globe. The word Solstice means “sun standing still” or “grianstad' in Celtic. This morning I awoke at first light. 5:14 AM.

Back in the last century my friend AJ and I went out to Stonehenge for a neolithic day trip. I hugged the monumental stones and cried as one with Celtic blood, even though the monolithic stones were erected by an unknown race many millennium before the Irish wandered northern Europe. Since that visit the Crown, which claims ownership of the ruins, has restricted entry to the ring of stones. Today thousands of pagans greeted the dawn at Stonehenge. New Yorkers for the most part ignored the yearly phenomena, even though Manhattan's East to West streets from 14th to 155th are aligned with sunrise and sunset during the three-day solstice period.

According to Wikipedia the Commissioners' Plan of 1811 arranged the street grid for most of Manhattan according to the azimuth at sunset to 299° (i.e., 29° north of due West), so he island's sunset aligns with the streets on that gird.

Tomorrow morning I will greet the sun naked in Montauk.

Enjoy the cosmos.

It's in our blood.

Thursday, June 18, 2026

Survivor June 2009

In the course of my 57 years I've stayed in a hospital once. The week of my birth. My parents took me home to Jamaica Plain. Since that day my health has been unchallenged by illness other than colds, poison ivy, and hang-overs. The last year I had thrived in the unhealthy climates of New York. One year without a serious ailment and last week I bragged to a friend, "I haven't been ill this year."

Two days later a cough invaded my lungs. My body was wracked by a low-grade fever. My strength was depleted by minimal exertion. I stayed home one day from work. I would have been fine if I had said nothing. My doctor's diagnosis excluded 'swine flu'.

"A cold. A summer cold. Nothing more." He suggested rest, fluids, and cough syrup.

I followed his advice and slept like the dead thanks to the cough syrup. I drank hundreds of gallons of water and juice. Theraflu was my sole form of entertainment. No beer. No wine. No pizza. Life was meaningless. I don't do sick well. My bed became my empire. I watched all of STARGATE-ATLANTIS Seasons 2 and 3. It's been one week. I almost feel better. I survived being sick.

The weirdest thing was that everyone else in New York looked even sicker.

But then they eat crap.

Wednesday, June 17, 2026

Vagabonding In the City - 2017

My disaster stint in Alaska cost my apartment in Fort Greene.

Too many hours.

A horrible boss.

Too little money.

How little?

$100 for a thirteen hour day.

I wasn't cut out for selling silver trinkets to geriatric cruise line passengers and my boss fired me without notice. I was glad to go.

May was not the month to make sales in Juneau.

Six days a week.

I lasted a month and returned to New York with less than $600 in my pocket.

My apartment was sublet and I was $4500 in arrears to my landlord and good friend.

I worked everywhere throughout the summer.

On a house in Catskill, New York.

On a farm in Greenwich, New York.

Where a tree bloodied my skull.

My son Fenway was hurt in a motorcycle crash in Thailand.

Not bad and he remains handsome as ever.

On a house in Greenwich, New York.

My old job of selling diamonds was gone. I hated hard labor, but it was better than not working at all, which is what I've been doing the last week.

A vagabond without a place to live.

I used to fit right into this street.

And one day I will again.

Just not today.

HItchhiking Delaware 1970

In 1970 coming from a weekend in DC Peter Gore and I were arrested for hitchhiking by a Delaware state trooper on this stretch of I-95. We were fined $25 at the police station and put on a bus to New York. I never paid that ticket, which has probably ballooned with penalties and interest to $1100. That is why I fear Delaware.

Especially the Delaware Welcome Center.

A slice of pizza $7.99.

And no beer.

ps the following year Peter and I also were ticketed once more for hitchhiking in George, Washington by a zealous state trooper. He threw us off the highway and then off the onramp. Peter was standing on a tree stump and a car stopped for us. The trooper pulled over the vehicle and ticketed the three of us.

I never paid that ticket either.

June 29 1997 Fire Island Journal

June 29 1997 Fire Island

The waves from Africa 
Break on the Pines beach
The sea froth surging up the sand
With a lisping hiss
The final reach of the Atlantic
Swirling around my ankles
To retreat from
'Neath my feet___
Three seconds later
Another wave ripples around my feet
My soles sinking into the sand deep
My balance threatened 
By the tug
Of the sea___
Overhead a Westbound 747
Crew of nineteen
300 plus passengers
From Europe on the approach 
To JFK
I am invisible ___
This autumn I will be westbound 
Aboard a jetliner to Heathrow 
To Paris
To the South of France
And then Ireland
But I am here now
Fire Island
Haunted by the ghosts
Of boys of summer
Their names
Countless as the sand disappearing 
'Neath my toes___
I close my eyes
I see them all
The boys of the Sexual Revolution
Soldiers
I open my eyes
I see none__
I fight to remember 
All
The boys of summer
On this beach
Within reach
1978
Before
Before 
Before__
I see us all with my eyes open
Naked 
Young
Tanned
Laughing 
Naked
Alive___
Not  
Old Polaroids  Not in my hand
Of my mind
Oh the nakedness
Now
Today
I strip naked
No longer young
Alive
Naked___
Dive into the cold sea
This moment 
Like all those gone
And those to come
All of us
Together 
Never to flee
Our nakedness then
Or my nakedness now__
The smell of poppers in the air
Ah, the Pines__

Juneteenth 1900 Texas

The above photo was taken in Texas thirty-five years after the morning of June 19, 1865, when Union Major General Gordon Granger arrived on the island of Galveston to take command of the more than 2,000 federal troops recently landed in the department of Texas to enforce the emancipation of its enslaved population and oversee Reconstruction, nullifying all laws passed within Texas during the war by Confederate lawmakers. The order informed all Texans that, in accordance with a Proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all enslaved people were free, although not in the border states until later.

Still free, but the fight for equality is not over by a long shot.

Happy ‘tenth.

Information from Wikipedia.

In This City - June 17, 1977

Rare
The clear light of a summer sjy
In this city
New York City
The sun can not burn off the haze
Rarer still are the days of easy breathing
In this city
But I knew what to expect
when I moved here
To this city
From Boston
My hometown
In a stolen car
At night driven by the need to leave a racist city
Gambling all on the love of a southern woman
Ro left for Paris the day
Before I arrived
Her gone had nothing to do with me
The stolen car gone with the dawn too
Leaving me
In this city
New York City
In the summertime
At night with the stars
Up in the sky___

Tuesday, June 16, 2026

Journal Entry - June 14, 1977 (Berkeley Street)

DREAMS

I walk through the darkness and the sound of bells peal from the Brooklyn churches call for everyone to leave Earth, except for me and 125 women. Why they left and we stayed is beyond me.

President Jimmy Carter and I pull up to a yacht club. He went directly to the Sequoia and I drank with friends. Cher came into the bar and couldn't find a seat.

I gave her mine.

LATER

Clinton Avenue

Matthew and I had a good time at Coney Island. He badly wanted a roller coaster ride, except the Cyclone was under repair. The ocean was hurting with tar and shit in the surf. The beach was covered wth trash, broken glass from decades of human abuse. Matthew and I rode the bumping car, which were great fun, until he lost a contact lens.

I'm heading to Hunter College for my bi-weekly acting class. Tonight should be strange.

Rare are the summer days of clear light The sun can not burn off the haze. Rarer still are the days of easy breathing But I knew that when I moved here From Boston in a stolen car At night driven by the need to leave a racist city Gambling all on the love of a southern woman. Ro left for Paris the day I arrived The stolen car gone with the dawn too.

LATER

I spoke with Libby on the phone. She has my silver brush. I won't have to stop in Westport on the way to Boston.

Class tonight with Billy reenacting a drunken bout and I released into a combative character, but improv is a game allowing people to walk inside you.

Chuck is enthused about my script D. DESCENDING. His reading from it makes me understand how far I have to go with writing. He and Carla play roles in various scenes. She goes home with me, but yturns around to watch Chuck. Man and Wife once. Still in love. She's just killing time with me.

The Globalist Prison Quiz - Revised from 2010

QUESTION

Around the globe, over nine million people were in prison in 2010. Currently eleven million men, women, an children in prisons not counting Gaza. In 2010 that number was equal to the size of the population of Sweden or Bolivia. Today Honduras, Haiti, Belgium, and Cuba. Which country has the highest number of prisoners?

ANSWERS

A. China B. Russia C. United Kingdom D. India or E. the United States

A. China is not correct. China has the second-highest number of prisoners in the world with almost 1.7 million. That number does not count Tibetans or Uighurs, however on a proportional basis, it has the 113th-highest incarceration rate, with 119 people out of every 100,000 in jail (according to the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London 2026). This number, though, excludes the hundreds of thousands of people in administrative detention facilities.

The four BRIC countries – Brazil, Russia, India and China – all rank in the top five in terms of prison population totals.

B.

Russia is not correct.

Russia has a total of 890,000 prisoners ranking third worldwide in 2026, however,the 632 people in jail per 100,000 incarceration rate is the second-highest incarceration rate. Of all prisoners in Russia, 7.4 percent are female, compared with 4.9 percent in China and 9.1 percent in the United States. The global average is about 5 percent.

C. United Kingdom never really was in the top five with 89,000, unless counting the Irish population of Ulster, the stolen province. The UK no longer answers the call at the 18th-highest number in the world nor the highest in the European Union. Poland has the most prisoners in the EU ranking 16th with 88,000. The United Kingdom has a relatively low incarceration rate of 152 prisoners per 100,000 people – the 86th-highest rate in the world.

Brazil is # 3 with a total over 900,000 prisoners, India # 4 with 511,000 and Turkey with 420,000 comes in # 5 edging out Thailand with 310,000. El Salvador at present has imprisoned 109,000 many of them awaiting trial incluing ICE forced migrant from the USA, but its incarceration rate is the world's highest at 1659 per 100,000

The correct answer is the USA the same as in 2010 an for all of this century, The United States with less than 5% of the worlds population, but about 25% of the global prisoners. It has the highest absolute number of people in jail and prison ranging from 1,800,000 to 2.3 million prisoners according to the day – and also has the one of the highest incarceration rate with 751 people in jail for every 100,000 people. After incarceration rates remained stable at 110 prisoners per 100,000 people from 1925 to 1975, they experienced a spike in large part due to an increase in efforts to combat illegal drugs. Lengthy U.S. prison stays are not the only way in which U.S. incarceration legislation is more strict. Some states in the United States take the right to vote away from citizens who have completed their sentences.

The above comes from the Globalist, an online news service.

See www.theglobalist.com

PS the US prison population had plateaued as states realize that their budgets can not support further expansion of the penal colonies. Convicted felons are stripped of their electoral rights, however if given them back the prison population would have a greater political impact than the following states and territories;

New Mexico - 2,009,671
Nebraska - 1,796,619
New Hampshire - 1,324,575
Maine - 1,318,301
Hawaii - 641,694
Rhode Island - 974,989
Montana - 974,989
Delaware - 885,122
South Dakota - 812,383
Alaska - 698,473
North Dakota - 646,844
Vermont - 621,760
District of Columbia - 599,657
Wyoming - 544,270
Guam - 178,430
U.S. Virgin Islands- 109,825
Northern Mariana Is. - 88,662
American Samoa - 65,628

USA USA USA WE’RE # 1

FOTO PNS DEER LOGE 1995 NOW CLOSED

Monday, June 15, 2026

Wyoming Speed Limit

Back in the last century the speed limit in Montana was 'whatever is reasonable an proper' and in 1995 while driving with my mistress in a rented car I passed a piggy back truck at 110 on I-90 east. A Montana Statie hid about five car-lengths before the Peterbilt. Barbara told me to slow down.

"No, if I step on the brakes, the officer will know I'm guilty of something."

I maintained the speed. Nothing happened.

Four years later Maybe 1999. I was on a road trip with my father through Montana and Wyoming. My mother had passed two years previously and we both loved the road. My mother had loved the road too.

Someplace desolate and flat north of the Wind River Mountains on 120 I was driving ten miles over the speed limit. A state troopper car was coming in the opposite direction. The car passed and u-turned with lights flashing. I hadn't seen a car in twenty minutes. I pulled over to the breakdown lane and rolled down the window.

The green-shirted trooper asked why I was speeding at 75. He pulled down the brim of his campaign hat, as if to indicate he expected the truth.

"In other states you can drive ten years over the speed limit." I was a good citzen. At least I hadn't had anything tio drink at lunch on Thermopolis. that was the truth, not an explanation.

"Wyoming isn't other states. This is a warning. Kept it to 65."

I thanked the officer and time seemed to stop at 65. When my father took over, he leadfooted to 100. "They aren't any other police out here."

And he was right all the way to Cody.

Night Road Sri Racha

Sri Racha
Late late
Fuk high on kratom
Just driving around
Not his motorbike,
Borrowed it for a night out
Fuk speeding
Safe tonight, not much traffic, few police
Fuk know where they are__
Then run out of gas
Adventure over
Fuk driven so far, not caring about anything, and then out of gas completely broke
Far from home
Always happens
And out of kratom too
Money... need money, but Fuk have none left
All his money gone to kratom
Not enough for gas
Now can't ride in the cool night air
His one love__
Little Fuk has grown up
He still loves at night
Even ifhe has to walk__

Sunday, June 14, 2026

June 13, 1978 - Journal

This morning a knock on my SRO door.It was Ernie the porter for 27 11th Street. An eviction notice in his hand. He was about fifty. I had never saw him outside the building. No one had, almost as if he were in hiding, but he always said hello. Friendly.

"I have nothing to do with this. If you pay right away. There's no problem. This is an SRO. The owners are used to people having no money."

"Will they change the locks?" I owed three weeks. $45 per week. $135. I had $63 in my pocket. I already had borrowed from everyone I knew. Alice had given $60. She only earned $120 a week. No one at CBGBs was rich.

"Can I pay one week."

"Yes, that will buy you a few days."

"That's all I need." I shut the door and sat on the sagging bed. This SRO was bad, but not the bottom. Flophouses like the Palace Hotel over CBGBs were worst. Drunks and junkies crashed there. Here the residents had jobs. Not in banking. Not union. Just jobs like mine. A waiter in an executive dining room on Wall Street. Worse was the street.

I sat with my nerves jangling, wondering where I was going to get $75 more. I had my last unemployment check from my teaching job in Boston for $110 coming. Not tomorrow and probably next week. I could ask my boss at Ebasco for an advance. Until then I'll have to avoid the manager. Arthur hates all of us. Like we were to blame for his having a crappy job. George, who worked as a dishwasher at a hotel, said the manager had been fired fom the Plaza for stealing. No jail, just sentencing to sit in the office at the door. Like Ernie. He never left the building.

S*** this does wonders for my nerves. My boss at work get in advance on money. He doesn't know, it said to ask Arthur this afternoon. I avoided him yesterday, cuz I thought this wouldn't be a problem. I was wrong it is a problem

Work isn't going to answer this problem. Hustling 53rd and 3rd to get some money. $20 is my soul worth up there. I have to get a new job

Later standing at the windows the dining room 27 floors above Wall Street. Jersey across the river behind that the monster continent of America stretches in some 3,000 miles. For the last month I've been confined to this island. 2 miles by 15 Mi is all I know. I have no idea. Concrete sidewalks asphalt streets and steel skyscrapers cover Manhattan except for 4th Central Park. I crave real nature

Later

The end of the road in Seattle I-90 Hobos under the bridge This is Skid Row Nowhere else to go Alaska to the north No roads go there Only ferries No money Stay in Seattle On the continent's edge.

CBGBs was really boring last night I need a break from that place hang out at a bar without having to inhale one the smoke from other people's cigarettes. I couldn't hear what anybody says the light is poor your senses deprived by the punk rock drunk. I should just give it all up and headed west. America's first step from here is New Jersey. And that thought is enough to make me go nowhere.

Later

I get my check early from Ebasco.

Hopefully Ernie will let me back into 11 West 11th Street very sweaty. There are tramps camping kind of Bleeker Street. One has a Barcalounger. A lamp plug into nothing. He so comfortable I wish I could be as comfortable. He needs no money. I have no money. I should just hit the road. The bum is cultivating a rock garden. He doesn't take his boots off. Many bums do and put them under their heads don't get stolen sleep drunk. This one is different his name is Jim. He comes from Kansas. He hasn't been back there in over twenty years.

The highway is lonely play tonight. Strangers driving westward. Maybe leaving their wives, homes, jobs. I have nothing. Last Chance on the Interstate bar girls beer booze all you want open all night to all the lights nowhere Nevada. Sounds like paradise. Free.

Later

And over the phone at the SRO dropping quarters $3 for three minutes. We both express our love and she told me," "It was a mistake to come back to West Virginia. Maybe you should come back and teach school again in Boston."

It was a solid plan. I was going nowhere, but friends live there anymore. Alice isn't coming nack. I have nothing here, but so does everyone else.

Friday, June 12, 2026

Journal Entry June 11, 1977

I sleep phenomenal lengths of time. 2AM to 1PM. My dreams cascade into more dreams. A sign of definite depression. At first I liked the refuge, but I can't stand wasting so much of the day, taking me further and further from writing and making me a bullshit artist.

James Spicer drinks too much has to stop his nightly excursions into my bedroom, otherwise I'll leave his Park Slope apartment. Fletcher fears for my sexuality and alludes to James' wanting me is the same as my wanting Ro, despite her unrequited love. In either case I hold no guilt or cast any blame on James or Ro. I wish I could speak with her to protect me from my somna addiction.

Work at the executive dining room normalizes some of my days. To be nothing and if I write I will be accomplishing something.

The last two days I have done nothing.

What am I doing in New York?

Damned if I know now. This city owes me nothing and I am alone. A few months ago I wanted that, but solitude is a pathetic route to cut off my past, but I won't return to Boston. I am here and should work on staying here, for as long as I need to be.

Only the acting lessons on Tuesday and Wednesday offer any importance in my life, but if things don't work out here, then I do have an out. Nona has offered me a place in California. I need $500-600. I wish she had contacted me before I came here.

Number Mad

I moved to New York in 1976. In a stolen car. Not really stolen, but a Newton, Mass. lawyer paid $300 to vanish his gas-guzzler. I drove the Olds 88 on the West Side Highway on Manhattan, took off the plates, threw them into the Hudson, and walked away from the vehicle. Easy same as the previous times for other men wanting to rid themselves of a big car. I took the subway to Brooklyn Heights. I was in love with a painter from Pittsburgh. I knocked on Ro's door and was greeted by her ex-lover.

Bix had the look of a hillbilly. Lanky, sallow, and sad. Ro had told me that she had never kissed him, but she liked having sex with him. He was gentle. That information had made me sad too, but not as much as his news that evening.

"She's gone to Paris. To study art. She left on a jet plane."

"Gone?" I understood the word even more saying it again.

"Don't know when she'll be back again." Bix tended to talk in liners from Beatles songs. His other trait was to scribble numbers. He was fixated by them. His hand held a scrunched up paper scrawled with thousands of numbers. They weren't a mathematical equation. Only random numbers. He was mad. His madness had nothing to do with Ro not kissing him.

"Thanks." It was late and I had no place to stay.

"You can sleep here." He held the door open wide.

"Okay." I stayed awake all night in Ro's bed. So did Bix. He sat at the kitchen table writing down numbers. With a pencil. He should have been in a hospital. In the morning I said good-bye. I knew of a cheap hotel on West 11th Street and 5th Avenue. A dump with a good address.

"Are you going to be alright?"

"Sure, no problems." He didn't even lift his head from his task.

A year later he was found dead in a cave located among the bare winter trees of Fort Tryon Park. The police said the stones around his last home were covered with numbers. None of them made sense.

Not like 1 + 1 = 2, however today is a special day. At 12hr 34 minutes and 56 seconds on the 7th of August this year (today), the time and date will be 12:34:56 07/08/09. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9; note it, enjoy it, as it will never happen in your lifetime again.

Some numbers are not for the mad.

Thursday, June 11, 2026

Teenage Sex Murder at Camp Miasmap

Last evening I accompanied Jack Haven to the NY screening of the Cannes sensation Teenage Sex Murders. My dear friend, Jack Haven, the director of October Crow as well as Looking for Brooke, had starred in Jane Schoenbran's underground film SEE THE TV GLOW and playef Little Death in Teenage Sex and Murderurder with an air conditioning duct on her heads and body covered by a white Hazmat overall. Little Death spares no one. As an American I am very familiar with slasher films starting with PSYCHO 1960, but I was unprepared for Jane's successful triangulation of horror, gore, and fear to attack the frigidity of sexual pleasure in America thanks to a generation reared on abstinence by the PG Hollywood movies, while allowed internet access to hardcore XXX movies. Teenage Sex Murder is a paean to the golden years of slasher films weaving through historical hints of famous scene from THE SHINING, TEXAS CHAIN SAW MURDERS, HALLOWEEN et al. I loved how create a masterpiece from nothing. The genuis of pure trash as death is as close to sex for many young audiences. I don't scare easy. TSM didn't scare me. I was entertained, amazed, and surprised by its brilliance. pleasingly surprised. Lead Gillian Anderson adopted her role to the hilt to create an aura of yes this is real, because nothing is real. Best film of the and I have seen most thanks to free stream. I congratulated Jane and thanked them for opening the audience to their prison of pseudo morality. Jack and I will begin filming our third film THE NONMISERABLES in July. I accompany Nussy Andrew's on BEAR AND GOOSE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DILSp_Hkd04 LOTS OF LOVE

Journal Entry June 11, 1977

James' drinking hasn't lessened a single degree, in fact it has worsened over the last few days. Mark Amitin said that James was terribly infatuated with me, which was the main cause of his insane drunkenness. Looks like I'll have to head north or west sooner than I thought, because of this unstable environment. No way I will submit to his lust. Moving will suck, but there's little else I can do for both our sanities.

Fletcher was right.

I have been living on unemployment, but need to get a job. Mark and I are trying to work out something on his ALBEE DIRECTS ALBEE project. I need something now. James' obsession is intolerable.

I'll write a story about it and then beat feet, if I get enough money to go west.

Arggh!!!

Everything I do is so fucked up.

No, the world is fucked up.

Me too.

LATER

Ro and I meet on Brooklyn Heights, our first time since her return from Paris. She and I explained how we feel, and then argue. Two counter-forces easily able to pull away from each other. Ro can be as vicious as she wants to be, however it's not as effective as before, when whatever she said crippled me.

"Why do I always have to define my relationship with you. I never have to do that with Kirk."

"That's because Kirk is gay."

"His being gay doesn't make me not love him. I don't need sex from him. Only love."

She is content within his circle of friends and it's obvious that there's nothing sexual between them, which should make me accept her dependence on those, who don't threaten her.

"Unlike me."

As we stood before 51 Remsen Street, I told her that I would try and not see her again. She answered, "I don't know why, but I've always seen you whenever you asked to see me."

She was right, but we continued to fire salvos at each other and I said, "After our first month you became unapproachable. Any movement to get close to you was doomed to failure, but in that hopelessness came freedom to do as I chose, regardless of my losses. I was hurt, but too used to being hurt had its advantages. I see the blows coming before they hit or hurt and I can live with that."

She climbed the stairs and said, "Masochist."

"I'll be back for more. Promise."

THE TASTE OF PIG by Peter Nolan Smith

My great-grandaunt Bert circumnavigated the world on her father’s whaling ship in 1868-1869. In 1960 National Geographic published a story about her childhood travels and at her 101st birthday the old Yankee lady related tales of the black-toothed betel-nut chewers of Siam and tiger hunts on Java.

The only two other family members of the previous generation had visited the Orient. My Uncle Dave had served on a destroyer during the Battle of Biak in World War II and my grand-aunt Marion traveled through Indonesia in the 1950s. She brought back a statue of a bare-breasted Legong dancer from Bali. Their travels to faraway places sparked my imagination and throughout my youth I dreamed of traveling to Indonesia.

My chance to scratch this itch came in 1990.


That December after a successful holiday stint selling jewelry I sold a 10-carat diamond for a good profit and sought to temporarily quit my job at the diamond exchange. Manny, my boss, asked my plans.

"I’m going to travel to Indonesia and write a novel." My commissions on holiday sales and savings from working every day of the Christmas season added up to enough an around-the world ticket and cover my expenses for about six months throughout the Orient.

"You should invest your money in some diamonds. That's how you make more money."

"I want to see the other half of the world."

"Suit yourself, but don't expect a job when you get back." Manny was twenty years older than me and hadn't taken on a vacation in years.

"I won't."

I bought an aroun the world ticket from Panexpress for $1400. MYC-LA-Biak-Bali-Java-Singapore_Bangkok-Kathmandu-Paris-London-NYC. I also purchased THE ROUGH GUIDE to Indonesia and researched the various islands of the populous archipelago to plan a two-thousand mile trip from Biak in Irian Jaya to Sumatra in the west.

My family up-country farewell party in Boston was a blur of good luck wishes and the day before my departure I rode the subway up to 47th Street to say my good-byes and receives my commission.

"How long are you going?" Manny paid out my money in hundreds and the stack had a good feel to it. I wasn’t rich, just free.

"Six months. I'll be back in time for the wedding season."

“Six months? Sei gesund.” Manny returned to sorting diamonds. The Brownsville native loved his work. He was happy on 47th Street. I was happy two days later catching a flight from JFK to LA on Garuda Air, Indonesia’s national carrier.

After a week in LA I boarded a Garuda 747 to cross the vast Pacific. THe airliner landed at the small fishing port of Biak in Irian Jaya. Bali-bound tourists bought cannibal souvenirs from the small gift shop. Two missionaries were greeted by their Melanesian flock and boarded Cessnas to their churches. The 747 lifted off the tarmac.

I was the only Mistah or white man on the island, at least until I met Larry Smith, a fameed diver opening up a dive shop here. His boat's engine was kaput, but his Zodiac was good for free-diving off the cliff like reefs. And I couldn’t be happier, drinking a Bintang beer with the Texan on the veranda of the old Dutch hotel overlooking Cendrawasih Bay.

For the next three months I traversed Indonesian archipelago on boats, ferries, trains, and buses. Indonesia possesses hundreds of languages and cultures. Each journey brought me to a new land. The kids shouted 'allo mistah' and Bahasa Indonesian became my fourth language. My first second language had been Latin thanks to being an altar boy. It was of no use in the Orient.

After crossing Java by train in early April, I flew out of Jakarta to Padang and stayed the night in a cheap hotel on the Indian Ocean. After swimming in the ocean at dawn I showered and caught the Sumatran coastal market town on a bus bound for the Batak Highlands. Some 600 kilometers to the north. The seats and aisles were crammed with Sunday shoppers and I stood at the open back door smoking a kretek cigarette. Sweating profusely from the coastal humidity. The clove and tobacco smoke mixed well with the diesel fumes from the bus' laboring engine.

I studied the chattering passengers.Their smiling faces were ethnically different from the dour lowlanders and halfway up the mountain they sang a song, which I immediately recognized as BY THE RIVERS OF BABYLON.

I had first hear the church tune in Jimmy Cliff’s THE HARDER THEY COME. I loved the Melodians’ reggae version and I joined the impromptu choir. The closest passengers stared at me with amusement. At the end of the song an old man rose from his seat and shook my hand.

“Chretian?” He had several front teeth. They looked sharp.

“Christian,” I replied without hesitation. My atheism was a secret better kept from the devout.

“Saya nama John.” His English was a step above the usual ‘hello mistah’ from most rural Indonesians. “Where you go?”

“Danau Tobah.” I took out my Nelles map.

The largest lake in Indonesia was set within a gigantic volcano. I had seen its photos in National Geographic. My grandmother in Maine had the entire collection in the attic and those magazines set my heart to distant lands. His index finger stabbed the map.

“Tobah my home. You stay at my guest house. Very cheap. Very good.” John motioned for the young man next to him to get out of his seat.

“No.” I waved off the offer. “I like standing.”

“No, you big mistah. You my friend. Sit. Duduk.” The word sounded more like an order and I sat in the young man’s place. Accepting an offer is always better than refusing one in the strange land.

On the climb through the mountains John proudly recounted the traditional fierceness of Batak warriors. saying, "Many of our people serve in the top ranks of the Indonesian military. I fought for British against Communists in Malaysia. Where I learn speak your language. Good money."

The Irish and Scots had assisted the English in the conquest of the world. John's tribe had done the same for Java for the Dutch and Malaysia for the British.

"My family live Lake Toba. Since before time.”

“It says in my book that the Batak people came to Sumatra 2500 years ago.” The Rough Guide delved deeply into history.

“2500 years before time.”

“This book states that 50,000 years ago Lake Toba blew up and nearly killed off everyone on Earth at the time. Some scientists think the population of the world was reduced to 10,000 and they lived someplace in Central Asia.”

“That book say many things, but Batak people believe world came from Sideak Parujar."

"Sideak Parujar."

"Yes, goddess leave husband, a lizard-god.”

John related the Batak tale of creation in a combination of Bahasa Indonesian, English and a little Batak to the passengers. I understood about 5%. Thankfully he was a skilled mime. The rest of the bus listened intently to every word and the children shuddered, as John stabbed downward with his hand.

“Sideak Parudjar thrust sword into Naga Padoha. He not die. God never die and every time he move earth shake.”

His captive audience applauded his story and John lit a kretek cigarette.

I liked the smell of burning cloves.

“As Christian we not believe in other gods, but the old stories too good to give up. Maybe tonight you tell story.”

Nearing dusk the bus descended from the volcano’s rim to the floor caldera of Lake Toba. A two-story ferry waited a Parapat and we boarded a ferry to the island on the opposite shore. Mostluy Batak passengers. Three westerners. The temperature was much cooler as expected from anywhere 2900 meters above sea level.

John’s Batak Villa was simple and cheap. The food adequate. My room’s deck offered a lake view facing the high rim of the ancient volcano. The other guests were European backpackers. German, French, and of course Australians eager to leave their subcontinent. Few Americans traveled this far from the States. That night at the lakeside terrace I narrated the story of the Evans Mountain ghost. His family gathered around our table, as I introduced the Batak clan to a haunted house in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. The Evan's Mountain House.

John struggled to translate my tale. The two of us acted out the ghosts and the little children shivered with the old man's version. At the end the children clapped their hands and John said, “Good story. Everyone like. They think Mistahs not have ghosts. Only have one god. Good story. Now go sleep.”

I spent the next few days sightseeing I spent the next few days sightseeing around Samosir Island on a Honda 115cc motorcycle. Even driving off the island to Hadabuan Naisogop Waterfalls to the west. The river was icy cold. I ate a nasi goring, In the waterfront town of Pangururan. I was so far away from the Western World, but at night I listened to the BBC on my Sony World Band radio. Ever so far from London.I ate a nasi goring, In the waterfront town of Pangururan. I was so far away from the Western World, but at night I listened to the BBC on my Sony World Band radio. Ever so far from London.

The lake was too reedy for swimming. Like an ancient water ogre was trying to seize your ankles. While it wasn’t the rainy season, the equatorial sun flayed the skin off my shoulder. John’s wife salved my burnt flesh with a healing clove oil.


Every evening I ate with John’s family. They asked questions about my family. I lied about a dead wife. They all said sorry. I showed photos of my nieces and nephews, claiming that they were mine. A man my age without a wife or children was considered strange and unlucky by the Bataks and all Indonesians. They had big families and the children strangely cried all the time unlike any other small ones in Indonesia. They had big families and the children strangely cried all the time unlike any other small ones in Indonesia.

“They think they big. Not understand they small,” explained John.

The day before my departure to Medan John invited me to a pig roast in a mountain village. We arrived at a compound of wooden houses before sunset. The thatched roofs were curved like the horns of bulls. Bulls were a sign of wealth throughout Indonesia and much of Southeast Asia.

Dogs crept closer to steal the offal. John warded them off with a club.

"Angin no good."

"They like people."

"Because people give dog food. I no trust dog, but everything have tondi, man, pig, dog.”

“Tindi.” I figured tindi meant soul.

Two younger men tended to the cooking. Pig fat sizzled onto the coals. We had finished the beer and drank arak or rice wine from plastic bags.

“Tindi live many places. The first in body. The second in birth bag from woman.”

“I was born with the placenta wrapped around my head. In the land of my grandmother the Irish think that gives the new-born the gift of sight.”

“Sight?”

I searched for the right word from a small Bahasa-English dictionary.

“Penglihatan, but with mind.”

“Ah, ESP,” John rattled off an explanation to his friends and they murmured in appreciation of my gift.

Batak people understood the shadow worlds.

"In old days every Batak men have birth bag buried special place to protect tindi.”

“Not the same as in America.” Doctors chucked the placenta out with the trash.

"America have no tindi."

"Too much tindi."

Spirituality in the West was the domain of priests, ministers, and rabbis and I almost told John and his friends this, except they believed every man was in touch with the world beyond our senses.

Once the pig was cooked, thick slabs of pork were sliced with the long curved kris. We ate with my right hand, since the left hand was for wiping the ass. John called his right hand ‘Adam’s Spoon’.

A young man broke out hasapsi, a traditional two-stringed lutes to play a lyrical song. More plastic sacks of arak were passed round the fire. A fiery combination.

“You like pig.” John swayed to the music.

The other men were entering a pig flesh trance like Americans after gorging on turkey on Thanksgiving Day.

“Saya suka babi sekali.” I had never tasted better pig.

The older men toasted my compliment with hunks of sizzling meat held in greasy hands. We smoked kretek cigarettes to the filter and I felt one with them enough to muster up the courage to ask John a question, which had been nagging me for days.

"Islam came to Banda Aceh almost seven hundred years ago. Most of Indonesia submitted to Allah, but the Batak and other mountain tribes resisted Mohammad's call. Why?” “First we have the Batak tradition.” John licked at his lips and spoke slowly in simple Bahasa, “At one time Batak people ate men.”

“I had read that.” The Rough Guide covered every aspect of a culture without recrimination.

“We drank blood and ate heart, palms and soles of feet. They were good eating and rich with ‘tindi’ or the life-soul of eaten. In old days we ate man with his family. We suck the bones dry. The meat we eat last and we store bones in cave. If man stranger, we ate him cepat. Fast fast. You know what we call these men?”

“No.” The fire flickered low. Dogs slept at our feet. The jungle was filled by silent shadows. The horned houses were giant buffaloes. I could have been Marco Polo. The year was 1231 AD.

“Babi Bisa,” he spoke the words in a hush.

The other men woke from their stupor and muttered the words in unison, “Babi Bisa."

“Big pig?”

I recognized the words from my guidebook's extensive dictionary, but I didn’t like John's tone.

“Yes, and that why we not Muslims. Because pig taste like man. We killed them on stone.”

The elder explained our conversation to his tribesmen. They laughed and stared at me with an ancient hunger. No one in my family had ever eaten another human being and I tried to hide my shaking as I said, “I like pig too. Not because it tastes like man. I like pig, because it tastes good. Even the oink.”

I snorted several times in my best imitation of a pig.

The party chuckled in convulsion and lifted bags of warm arak. The pig was gnawed to the bone. The snarling dogs had their way with the carcass. In the end we snacked on the crispy ears. The fire died out and John walked me to the hotel.

At the door to my room he said, “I tell story to many Mistahs. It is joke. No Batak eat man in hundred years. Many westerners run away, not you. Why?”

“Because I like pig too.” Bacon was my favorite meat.

“Why?”

“Nothing taste like it.”

“Not babi besa?”

“I don’t know, but I think not. Man is not as clean as a pig and not as smart. Dumb men can’t be good eating. I also think the only reason we survived the tigers was that we smell baa and taste worse.

John lifted his head to the stars and laughed aloud. He clapped me on the shoulder and fondled his muscle.

“You not good food. Too tough.”

“Same you.” “Same you. We are both pria tua.” I was thirty-eight an John had to be in his forties. Both old men.

His wife shouted for him to come inside. John ignored his wife’s entreaty and walked over to the restaurant. His friends greeted him. John's right hand surveyed the flesh on a fat man. He turned and mouthed the words.

“Babi besa.”

“Sekali bagus.” Good eating, because a young pig was always better than an old pig even with babi besa.

“Sama sama. I not here in morning. Selamat jalan.” John wished me a good trip.

“Selamat tingaal.” I wished him a good life. It was the best thing to do with someone who hadn’t eaten you. And everyone who has a taste for pig knows that is the truth.

And everyone who has a taste for pig knows that is the truth.