Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Old Man and the Pee


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that
believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says , 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

OLD SCHOOL HUMOR

Visa Runner Alert


Nothing unsettles an illegal alien more than the closing of a visa loophole and the Thai Immigration Service seems dedicated to terminating the border runs to Burma, Malaysia, Cambodia, and Laos. These trips have been in existence for as long as I've been coming to Thailand and ceased to be any of my concern once I turned 50 and moved onto a retirement visa, however panic has to have struck the ranks of border-runners by the announcement that from now on farangs without a foreign-issued visa will only receive a 15-day visa extension at the border crossings. Travelers arriving by plane will still get 30 days.

Of course if you remain in Koh Klong or Point Victoria for a week, then you might get another 30-day visa at the border crossing.

One never knows how the immigration officers will interpret their orders.

This police order number 778/2551 is today confirmed by Royal Thai Police, Immigration Bureau, in Bangkok.

For those traveling to Thailand I would suggest getting a multiple-entry visa before departure or even better an O-visa.

Chok Dee

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The King's Caddy


Not everyone is not buying GM.

Long Live the King

240,000 Farangs Stuck in Thailand


Years ago Thai Air canceled its flight to New York. The passengers groused about this delay, as we were assigned rooms at a airport hotel. I couldn't have been happier. I called my girlfriend and had her catch a taxi to Don Muang, so I could spent one more night in paradise, however no single airport can handle the more than 350,000 passengers stranded by the PAD demonstrators' seizure of the Cobra Swamp Airport.

At the present flights are taking off from Chiang Mai, U-trapo, and Phuket, but none of these airports are designed to deal with this many flights per day.

I would suggest to anyone looking to leave the country to sit tight and wait out the demonstrators.

Remember you could be in Detroit instead of a go-go bar in Pattaya.

Wild Card for Thailand


Unbelievably Health Minister Chalerm Yubamrung is being considered for Thailand's Prime Minister after the disqualification of the present PM by the Constitution Court. His name has been forwarded by the Buri-ram eminence gris Newin Chidchob, another old Thaksin hand, who feels that the Health Minister's reputation for hardheadedness will aid his any further fights against the PAD. So the battle continues to its inevitable end, which no one can really predict.

Another election. A coup. Or a country without any government.

The last would not be such a bad idea.

Check http://www.mangozeen.com/2008/08/25/thailand/the-son-of-a-friend.htm

Or we could have another dark horse enter the fray.

The Massage King.

Sleep Anywhere


No attribute I admire in the Thais is their ability to sleep anywhere.

I seem to have acquire this gift from my years of living in the Land of Smiles.

I thank Siam for this.

CLICK ON THIS URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/2008/11/24/art/the-truth-about-whores.htm

Green Lantern Gems


Earth has been traveling through the universe for billions of years. During these eternal eons the planet has been subjected to radiation from a myriad of sources, although none greater than the Earth itself and this intense contact with radioactivity is what turns diamonds into the second rarest of colors "green'. The process actually alters the crystal structure of the diamond to allow the absorption of color, mostly on the surface same as anger turns mild-mannered Bruce Banner into the Hulk.

In my 20 years of selling diamonds on 47th street I've never had a call for a green diamond.

Pink, yes. Yellow, many times. Green, red, or blue. Never until a Japanese gentleman walked into our store at the plaza. He was accompanied by a friend, who said Mr. K was looking for something unusual.

"White diamonds are too common." Mr. K was dressed in a fine cashmere suit. I figured him for 58, healthy, and wealthy. A good combination for a buyer of rare gems.

"White diamonds are as rare as light bulbs, except when you're talking about triple-X stones." I had a 5-carat D Internally Flawless round stone in the safe. Its price was the same as a same house in North Palm Beach.

"I know D color stones, but I'm more talking about something more rare. A green diamond. Red diamonds I buy in Singapore, but I want a green diamond now."

"I have access to several green diamonds." None in my safe. Several associates dealt in these precious goods. "Would you care to look at some?"

"When?"

"Tomorrow." It was already 4 O'clock. Colored stone dealers go home early, because their stones have a special beauty best revealed in the afternoon light, so I bullshitted the customer with the partial truth. "I can get 5-7 diamonds for you. You have any idea about a shape or size?"

"One carat and shape is not important." Mr. K waved his hand in the air as if he bought and sold diamonds on a daily basis. Customers like to bullshit too. We made a rendezvous for 12:30 the next day for our Plaza store and after he left I got on the phone with Richie Boy.

"You think he's serious?" Richie Boy is suspicious of all tough calls.

"Yeah."

"You have an idea of how much he wants to spend?" Richie Boy likes to qualify the customers so you don't waste your time.

"He didn't say, but I'd figure around $300-500,000." This was simply a hunch based on his attire. Tailored imported cashmere and Bally loafers.

"That's a guess, right?" Richie Boy knew about my hunches.

"Yep."

"Then we'll show him what we got." Richie Boy hung up the phone. He would call every fancy color dealer in the city. I only knew two. Namash had a .50 pointer Vivid intense for $650,000 and the other had nothing.

"A half-carat for that much?" I knew they were expensive but not that expensive.

"That's the price to sell it for. You want it or not?"

"Why the hell not?" Namash had probably been sitting on this stone for years. Waiting for a call just like this. No one knows what the dealers paid for these stones. It doesn't matter. They could have found it on the street. Such things do happen.

That evening I researched colored diamonds on the internet.

The Dresden Green diamond is the most famous.

41 carats bombarded by alpha, beta, and gamma rays probably came from a stone weighing 100 carats and first surfaced in the capitol of Saxony in the early 1700s. I read the information about this stone several times until I had mangled the facts into a good spiel for tomorrow's meeting with Mr. K, then went to sleep early. Dealing with big stones requires a sober mind. Not all the time, but I also only had $20 in my pocket. hardly enough to get messed up on.

Monday was my off-day, so I took my time going to the Plaza. I arrived thirty minutes early. Richie Boy was already waiting. Mr. K was at Demel's coffee shop.

"Where you been?" Richie Boy had two dealers with him. I knew both. They hadn't seen me for 6 years. We traded our histories in less than 100 words and moved onto the stones. There were 7. The biggest a 1.11 ct. Vivid Fancy Intense Green and the smallest a .50 Vivid. In total the seven stones cost about $3 million. The better stones displayed strong fluorescence, which was noted on the GIA certificates.

"Why's that?" Richie Boy asked the dealers.

Neither knew, so I said, "They were irradiated by radioactivity during their voyage to the surface. Just like Hulk."

The three of them stared at me as if I were crazy. Namash came into the store and I asked him why the better stones were fluorescent.

"Radiation."

"See." I liked being right.

"Go get your customer." Richie Boy hated not knowing more than me, but he would always be a better closer than me. It's in his blood. I walked across the Plaza retail Collection to Demel's Cafe. Mr. K was having a coffee.

"We're ready for you." I returned to the store and we waited. Mr. K. was on the phone and walking around the retail collection with purpose.

"What's his story?" Richie Boy was impatient. "We have $3,000,000 here and he acts as if it was important. Go get him and tell him either get his ass into the store or else we're leaving."

I returned to the cafe and Mr. K lifted his finger to indicate he was coming and then walked off to the men's room. Richie Boy wasn't happy.

"We don't have to put up with his shit. I'm out of here."

"He's playing a game. He wants to make you nervous. Once the Saudis had Namash fly to Paris. They gave him a VIP pass to their hotel and said they'd be with him later. Later was two days. So cool your jets, he'll be with us soon enough."

Richie Boy and I had an expresso at Demel's. As soon as we were served our coffees, Mr. K entered our stores, tapping his watch to say he didn't have much time. Richie Boy put down his coffee in one gulp. I sipped at mine.

"Gimme two seconds and I'll be with you."

Richie Boy had little patience. I had a hang-over. I needed the coffee and finished it with pleasure. Mr. K saw the seven stones. He liked two. Not the one for $2.6 million.

"I like the two half-carat stones."

"They are the best on the face of the earth right now. The rest are either in vaults or still working their way to the surface." Richie Boy had a nice way with words. We exchanged addresses, telephones, and emails and then discussed how to pay. This sale wouldn't be completed until late-January. I could have used the commission right now. I would have packed my bags and flown to Thailand for a week. instead I have to stick around for a while. Pierre of the Plaza for 2009 too.

CHECK ON THIS URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/2008/08/15/asia/burma-gem-ban-30-days-later.htm