Sir Grope-A-Lot

I don't go out to nightclubs anymore. A man my age is out of place in a disco. 58 years old with all those young people. Just isn't right as Chris Rock said, "Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club."

So I have retired to lounges and bars, where a man my age can get on a dignified drunk, however I have several slightly younger friends who have yet to give up the ghost of youth. They have money and the young girls like money. To paraphrase Frederick Engels the co-author of Communist Manifesto, "Money is the only thing to make an old man young in a young woman's eyes."

My friends have settled down in a fashion. They are married to beautiful women, who allow them out once a week, having seen that their husbands get too smashed actually do anything other than get ugly. One friend, RD, staggers around the nightclubs with outstretched hands to grab women's breasts. His drinking companions have nicknamed him 'Sir Grope-A-Lot'. His besotted search for the Holy Grail has earned him innumerable slaps in the face, but no bloody noses from irate boyfriends. RD's survival instinct is always on 10.

As humorous as we find his bad behavior, the American people are up in arms about the recent rash of body frisks by the TSA agents in the airports. I walked through JFK's security measures without a hand laid on my body. Old men don't get none at the airport, especially if we're white, but I've seen old white ladies and young boys getting manhandled by TSA agents. That job is the best double-00 license for sexual molestation this side of the Catholic priesthood. Refusal to be groped by the TSA could result in a $10,000 and heaven forbid that your body responded in the wrong way to the tender touch of the TSA.

Last week the website www.deadserious.com reported a gay man of 47 years ejaculated in his trousers during a frisk procedure.

"A 47 year old gay man was arrested at San Francisco International Airport after ejaculating while being patted down by a male TSA agent. Percy Cummings, an interior designer from San Francisco, is being held without bail after the alleged incident, charged with sexually assaulting a Federal agent.

According to Cummings’ partner, Sergio Armani, Cummings has “multiple piercings on his manhood” which were detected during a full body scan. As a result, Cummings was pulled aside for a pat-down. Armani stated that the unidentified TSA agent spent “an inordinate amount of time groping” Cummings, who had apparently become sexually aroused. Cummings, who has a history of sexual dysfunction, ejaculated while the TSA agent’s hand was feeling the piercings. The TSA agent, according to several witnesses, promptly called for back up. Cummings was thrown to the ground and handcuffed.

A TSA spokesperson declined to comment on this specific case, but said that anyone ejaculating during a pat-down would be subject to arrest."

A bon voyage with a happy ending in the beginning.

Certainly that can't be against the law.

Then again America has not been America after 9/11.