May 7, 1978 - Journal Entry

Ann and I had a small spat at my SRO room this morning after I said with us in bed, "There's noplace else I'd rather be than between your legs."

"Is that all you want from me?"

"That and..."

"What?" She was pissed. "All you ever want from me is sex."

"I'm sorry that I want you."

"Want me? All you want is to fuck."

"Sorry." The fury of my libido doesn't match her desires.

"It's all about you."

"I try and make you cum."

"Only so you can fuck me more." She sounded like se was accusing me of rape, but then said, "I have a horrible hang-over."

Bourbon and beer at Max's.

For some reason I was rock hard and held down my erection to keep from forming a circus tent under the sheets.

"I can't take a shower here."

I share the bathroom with six other men.

"Let's go to my place."

"I'll make breakfast."

Bacon and eggs was the first meal I made us. Neither of us spoke and I left without saying good-bye.

That was weird but whenever I walk away from someone, I am always tempted to turn around like Orpheus in fear of Eurydice not being there. Instead I stare ahead knowing Hades has his tricks, plus people are never really gone, they're just not there for a moment.

LATER

That evening I call Ann on the phone and she tells me, "I slept all afternoon and had weird dreams. Boy was I wet, when I woke up." "No, I wished you were here. Guess our timing is off for making love with a satyr."

"Better a Satyr than the Marquis de Sade."

"For me."

"Me too, I answer, but God knows why our civilization can support libertines more.

Blood, sex, death, money, and power in 18th Century France versus the chaos of the East Village in the 1970s.

It's a good contrast of wickedness.

My homosexual experimentations have been discarded. I don't see many of my gay friends. Only William. The entire experience consisted of sloppy kisses, small cocks, loose anuses, lisps, queer mannerisms, generally bad sex, but a lot of laughs and dancing and I owe the boys that. They were my friends when no one else was. They kept me alive in a world hostile to outlaws.

I found more pleasure in my hand than a stranger's touch.

I never went to any orgies with them, but once at the Cave I took on several men. Not being able to see their faces. Having a cock in your mouth and another in your ass was close to total degradation, unless it was your cock in someone else. William was there that night. He looked on and jerked off with tears in his eyes. He wanted me for his own, but I belonged to no one. No men. No women.

Not until Ann.

She has my heart.