Last night Alice and I smoked opium in my SRO on East 11th an 5th. I had scored the O from Fred, my neighbor, a queen who collects Nazi memorabilia. He even has a human skin lamp and a SS female uniform whihc fits his girth. Fat she was no ELSA SHEWOLF OF THE SS. A total slave in the Toilet by the Hudson.
In my room with a wndow on the airshaft ee got undressed into our underwear. Alice taking off her bra and slipping into a small wife beater teeshirt. We chase the dragon on tinfoil. She was wasted after a single huff. It was strong. This was my third time. It wasn't hashish,
"I love the smell. Like we were lost in Hong Kong. Smoke some more."
I played a match under the foil. the brown tar bubbled spewing white smoke. I exhaled in Alice's face. She moaned and said, "Fuck me."
I didn't think she knew where she was or who I was. Lost in a narcotic dream. She passed out a minute later, my hard cock inside her. I masturbated without cumming and joined her in lotus land naked, our limbs intertwined.
Dreams melted through the stupor. Naked with John Holmes trying to push his cock in my ass. And Alice trying to help him. I woke and pushed Alice away from me, her finger in my anus. I liked it. She sniffed her finger without making a face.
"What is it?"
I had a bad dream. I told her about getting fucke up the ass.
"You poor darling."
She fingered my ass.
We lay together the thigh between mine her stomach pressed him on we went back to sleep
Right before noon I woke and we fucked. I came. Alice did not.
"I don't know what's wrong with me. When I was young, one of my boyfriends left me, because all I wanted was sex. Sorry, now I'm not even interested. I don't mind you fucking me. I don't know why I don't want to come. Sometimes I just want you to fuck me."
When she does, she lies like a dead person or a starfish and I fake cumming. I want to say it's because she's so worried about her school about graduation her play her weight these worries prevent her from enjoying herself, uncomfortable with who she is and sometimes she asks for advice with her play, but when I try and say something she shuts me down, saying that's stupid or I can't work with you just huffing.
Later she left for the theater. That evening we were on the phone about how spending too much time together it spoils our appetite for each other
"I have to finish my school work. I like waking up with you at your place. It leaves me feeling that I have abandone everything. I'm so disorganized this time of year and I have to finish so much."
I agreed, but suggesting we spend less time together. Usually the sign breaking up.
Later that night in an elevator in my building after I push the fifth floor button she asked, "This is a hypothetical question but how would you feel if I left you."
"I wouldn't do anything drastic."
So it seems as if the wait for her departure has been paved. Alice only needs me as a friend and protector and fucker, until she leaves for Appalachia, but I thought, "You'll be back."
However I'm beginning to doubt that one must be prepared to soften the shock of an amputation of a romance. A nice affair, but nothing's really occurred besides my falling in Love. Funny how life slips between highs and lows without any advanced notice, but then we would be no better than a pet dog knowing what time we're going to be fed or petted or killed. The unexpectancy of life has meant leaving so many people.
The high school quarterback, the cheerleaders, the student presidents, College big men on campus, all of them mean nothing now in New York City. I was nothing to them, when I was young. Think to them now too. I doubt any of them remember me. I was always alone. I feel strong. No threats no fears being scared will never come back. Never having to worry about how people see me or when Alice ask me, "Why don't you smile?"
True, I grin, instead of laugh. Smiling? I wish I could, but smiling feels too much like accepting them world around me. Satisfied as I leave childhood and become an adult unlike Peter Pan
I will never grow up.
I have no innocence . I will not regain virginity. To have no creative skills. Writing in this journal delaying realization that an artist cannot be swayed desires to be somebody.
Later
I was in Cornelius Street Cafe with Alice, Kim, Amos, and Serena, Sean's wannabe girlfriend. We are planning the four Gemini party. Amos, Kim, Serena, and me. Atkins Bleecker Street apartment. We have given out over 100 invitations at CBGB's and Easats Village bars and restaurants.
My back was to the door, which I never like. Always worried that someone with whom I had a fight they hit me in the back of the head like Jack McCall shooting Wild Bill Hitchcock in Deadwood, while he was holding the dead man's hand.
Two fingers poke me in the back in the mystery voice said, "What are you doing here?"
It was Ro and I wanted to protect myself look and she looked very vulnerable since coming back from Paris. Our past barely crossed with chance meetings rarely lasting more than a minute.
Alice scolded me, "You never introduced me to anyone."
"Ro, this is Alice."
I said without explaining who was who. Basically wanted to shield her from knowing that I had been in love with Ro. Maybe even not now but maybe yes.
"We're planning a birthday Party."
"Am I invited?"
"Of course/ I'll call you later. You have the same telephone number right. 255-3035.
An old man pulled on her jacket. The two of them left. They didn't look like lovers. I said nothing and then Alice leaned over and asked, "Are you thinking of fucking her?"
"No, I have you."
Kim ever mischievous asked, "Who was that? The next fuck of yours."
"Who isn't?"
Chemistry more than a few alliances set a word to Alice. I've never said a word about hers. In many ways they only exist for sex to be shared fucking someone else.
Marooned in the city Seeking exits Once disguised As walls To stand on the shore of an Eastern ocean Seeing Atlantis Beneath the waves He deserts the city To wade in the tide.
Later
Raphaela, the owner's wife blows me in the bathroom.
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