Child Management

One picture says so much and others say WTF.

Failed Artists

My wife called from Thailand. She had crashed the bike and needed money. I told her that I'd sent some in the morning. It wasn't quick enough and she started crying about having married an artist.

"I'm not an artist. I''m a failed writer."

Artists are just as poor in Thailand as they are in the USA, unless you're a big star and I'm not even a 40 watt lightbulb.

Of course I didn't tell her anything about my 'mia noi' or second wife.

That 'nah sia' or loss of face would have sealed her opinion about artists.

Sometimes the best truth is the one you never say.

So Much Older Then

"Why do men die before women?"

"Because they want to."

It's an old joke but very truthful, for yesterday afternoon I visited my father in an Alzheimer's hospice. My father was the only male in the renovated mansion. The rest of the residents are women. No one has any idea where the hell they are.

"I know you." My father greeted my entrance with a smile. "You're my son."

He can't remember my older brother and I asked him why.

"Because you still look like you used to look."

I laughed at this comment and spent about an hour with my father. He asked the same questions over and over. My older brother is upset by my father's condition. I am too, since I never had an intention of surviving my 30s and somehow I have outlasted the my-contemporaries, who succumbed to James Dean's edict of 'live fast and die young'.

As we left my father's home, I told my brother-in-law, "If I tell you to get my pills, get my suicide bag."

"Better get the stash now. Who knows if we can find it once we get older."

The answer will be no, so we'll have to make plans for that step into eternity.

Sooner better than later.

Jets - Colts Rematch 2010

The Baltimore Colts entered Superbowl III as 18-point favorites over the AFL's New York Jets. The underdogs were quarterbacked by the flashy Joe Namath. The brash Alabama native boasted in Miami, "We're gonna win the game. I guarantee it."

The Colts were infuriated by this brash statement and quashed the first drive by the Jets, however big games are won on injuries as much as luck and after the bruising fullback Matt Snell knocked out the Colts' safety the secondary was open for Don Maynard, who scored 2 TDs. The NFL champs never really challenged the upstarts, as their all-star OB missed several opportunities to hit receivers in the end-zone. The victory acted as a turbo-charged boost for the AFL, however the Jets have never come as close to the SuperBowl as today's game against an historic rival.

Betters lost millions on this game and in 1984 I ran into Bubba Smith at the Deauville Film Festival in France. The Colt defensive lineman was attending the event to promote POLICE ACADEMY. Not #2 or #3. The original. Most of the other reporters were huddled around Steve Guttman, the star of the comedy. Bubba was off to the side and we started talking about the old Patriots of Jim Nance and Gino Capeletti. We retired from the press interview and retired to a bar to discuss sports.

Somewhere after my third glass of cognac and coke I leaned over to ask Bubba Smith, "Your team was such a favorite, how did you lose to the Jets?"

"They got to the quarterback." Bubba was drinking the same and answered without caring who heard that accusation. He was a big man.

"The game was fixed?"

A shrug indicated that it was up to me to make up my own mind and I remembered Unitas throwing the ball to the Jets defender and Morall's three interceptions.

"Who fixed the game?"

It was a stupid question and Bubba Smith excused himself to speak with Michael Winslow, who was delighting the crowd with his imitations of a helicopter. I didn't mention any of this to the editorial staff of Actuel. That magazine was more interested in my interview with Rock Hudson. In the ensuing years several old bookies have mumbled about how the Mob had threatened the lives of Earl Morall's and Unitas' families.

"We're gonna win the game. I guarantee it."

Joe Namath knew.

And so do I.

I think.

Bet Colts to win in 2010.

All the way.

Games are never fixed in the NFL.

Not then. Not now.

ps Anita Bryant sang the National Anthem in 1969 whose later anti-gay campaign was immortalized by David Allan Coe's 1978 song "Fuck Anita Bryant".

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have s*x?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started..
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's Licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started

The ultimate sick-buffalo story from mangosauce

May 14 2004

www.mangosauce.com stopped publishing new entries in 2007. Its wit and poignant insights of Thai life were invaluable to farangs and still are appreciated by long-time fans such as myself. Te non moritum salutem or 'those who are not about to die salute you'.

I love Latin.

May 14 2004

The ultimate sick-buffalo story
Mango Sauce reader Nick has concocted the last word in sick-buffalo stories.

Dear Bill

I love you and I miss you too much. my friend bar say you old man look same same monkey but I know you hansum man I have problem I write you before that buffalo me sick Now it die Fall down and dead in middle rice field. Bad fortune when it fall it fall on papa and break leg he three place Now he not work Brother me make stretcher bamboo he take from roof house Roof come down and rain in house He take papa to hospital motorcycle Have big accident when he come home hit police car Police say brother me blame Police say he pay big money. not worry darling motorcycle OK but Police car bad broken Bad luck make Mama heart problem. Doctor say she must triple by-pass. I no understand but brother say you understand.

You know darling I only work in bar and not go with man I wait for you come back Bangkok but if you no help me I fuck many many many many many farang get pay bills money.

Old people my village say you responsible if you send money me before buy medicine sick buffalo then it no die papa no break leg house have roof brother no ride into police car Mama no have heart problem.

Please send me 200,000 baht for my bank. Papa fix 10,000 new roof 30,000, new police car 100,000, mama fix 50,000. I take off 2,000 baht for sell buffalo meat but me have to pay more hospital bill for 24 people have problem eat contaminated meat 12,000 baht. I not know money England but my brother me say me it 71.2424 mid-market rate close of trading yesterday This means you send me 10,000 your pound

I love you darling

Noi

The Importance of the Color of a Bike Seat

When you purchase your bike, make sure the colour of bike seat is taken into consideration.

To see why click on photo to enlarge.

No undies?