A Gift From the New World

Young men in the 1960s were constantly warned about the dangers of drugs, rock n roll, and sex.

Sex not only led you to hell, but to Syphilis.

We had no idea what Syphilis was, how you got it, and what you did once you had it other than horrific tales of doctors shoving an umbrella needle up your penis. Fear was a credible prevention tool during those decades of ignorance, although not enough to keep us pure forever.

Before 1493 no one in Europe, Africa, or Asia had the Clap.

No one, until Columbus returned from his discovery of Haiti.

Of course the Native Americans claim that it was the Europeans who infected America not the other way around.

It’s a little like my first time getting a dose.

It was in Paris.

1984

I was faithful to my teenage girlfriend, Candia.

The jeune fille had an Italian lover. Their affair was supposedly over and I believed the 17 year-old. Men in their 30s can possess a soft heart for a young woman. She traveled to Italy for a photo shoot. We made love upon her return. A week later I went to the bathroom and experienced a burning sensation while passing water.

My trust had been rewarded with the clap.

“How could have I gotten this?”

"I don't know." Candia acted blameless. "Maybe it's something else."

We visited the the Palais Royal Red Cross clinic. They tested us for free. The results were positive for both of us. as we walked through the regal garden, I said, “You should tell your boyfriend.”

“He would not give me this. You must have gotten it off a toilet seat.”

“Toilet seat?” I didn’t get the clap from a toilet seat and broke up with Candida. We said nothing about her gift until she gave me the gift that keeps giving once again. I went to the Palais Royal and got another dose of medicine. Candia wanted to get back with me. I called her to say I was leaving for the States. I haven't had the clap since, but I can state without any doubt that Columbus did not get Syphilis off a toilet seat.

I doubted either the Caribs used sitting shitters and the Spanish of that era of exploration were even less elegant with their sanitary habits.

The returning members of his first expedition got the clap from sex.

Thank you, Columbus.

Without you we would have never had condoms.