A SENSE OF LOSS by Peter Nolan Smith

American women are fairly unforgiving about adultery. If their husband cheats on them, they rape him for 50% of everything. American men cry about this loss of material goods, however Thai women react in the extreme to their mate's infidelity.

Back in 2008 I was sitting in a West Palm Beach Thai restaurant with my friend Lisa, who was berating my indecision about whether I should tell my wife about mia noi, with whom I was having a baby.

"I'm 9000 miles away from Thailand. Who knows when I'll be back?" I ordered a Singha beer from the patroness, a 50ish woman from Bangkok.

"You can't avoid the situation forever." Lisa was a single mom. Her husband hadn't dropped a dime on the upbringing of his son. She had a right to be angry at men. "You're going to have to tell them both."

"Not good idea," the restarurantowner said with a shaking head. "Thailand not America. Man tell wife he have mia noi. Wife cut off penis."

"Yes, cut off penis. Feed penis to ducks."

"Why ducks?" Lisa was acquainted with Japan, who are more like Swedes to the Thais.

"Feed to duck, because pigs not eat penis. Duck eat everything else, but not penis."

Lisa didn't believe her and I told the owner that I was keeping my mia noi a secret.

She smiled a blessing, since it was common knowledge that I was taking care of both families.

I barely had enough money to afford bad wine, but I had no intention of telling either wife anything.

Just recently a Belgian tourist had his penis mutilated by his jealous Thai girlfriend after he stupidly told her about having a 'geek' or girlfriend as she was fellating him. The doctors at Pattaya Memorial Hospital re-attached the organ. Police are seeking to arresting the woman on charges of aggravated assault.

The Thai Visa Forum was abuzz with the usual wankers castigating the Belgian for thinking he was a sex god. Their holier-than-thou attitude remains a sore on the Gulf of Siam. Maybe someday the killjoys will be rescue by Jesus and taken off this Earth for good.

That day can't come too soon.

Meanwhile all you infidels sleep with one eye open.

I know I will on my upcoming trip to Thailand.