Cave Anatis

In 2008 I spent the summer on Palm Beach. It was very off-season. Rainy, hot, and no one on the beaches. The mansion off Ocean Avenue was a big change from my previous place of residence, Pattaya, Thailand. I also living alone instead of dividing my time between two women; girlfriend #1 and our daughter and my pregnant mia noi. My only companion was a crackhouse Airedale, Pom Pom. I phoned Thailand everyday and sent money to both women once a week. It was not enough. You don't get paid much to take care of a crazy dog, even if it was on the most wanted list of Palm Beach county for mauling poodles.

My friend Lisa had arranged this job.

She was a single mom. This status didn't win any sympathy for my situation and every day she criticized my lack of decision.

"You'll have to make a choice one day."

"But not today." Thailand was 9000 miles away. I barely had enough money for a cheap 1.5 liter of wine let alone a round trip ticket to Bangkok. This rationale was unacceptable to her code of ethics. I did my best to not tell her 'hoop bargh' or shut up in Thai, but she was relentless.

One afternoon we rode over to the Thailand grocery on Dixie Highway to pick up Thai food. Lisa mentioned to the owner that I had lived in Thailand. The woman asked where and I told her Chainat and Jomtien.

"Why two places?"

"Because he has two wives," Lisa answered the question for me.

"You are very Thai. Who you love #1? Mia noi?"

"Yes." My admission was easy since my wife had done many bad things over our 6 years together. I was no saint, but her list had sins forgivable without being forgettable.

"Should he tell #1 about #2?" Lisa thought now she had an ally.

"Tell for what? For hurt two people. No way. Better to say nothing." The woman was in her 50s. She had lived in America over 30 years. Her family was from Ban Nok same as both my wives. She understood country ways. "If he tell wife #1 she angry and maybe cut off his penis."

"Cut off his penis?" Lisa crunched up her face like she hadn't heard right.

"Yes, Thai lady not want man have sex with other lady. She cut off penis and feed to ducks. Better you say nothing." She looked at me earnestly as if to say never tell the truth until you have to. "Not telling truth not same telling lie. No one get hurt. Not him. too."

It was sound advice from 9000 miles away, but in 2009 I was in Thailand having to be two places at once. I spent the final week with my mia noi. She doesn't like this status for herself and our son Fenway. One night I showed her pictures of Fenway Park on the internet. She said it was suay and understood why I named out son after the Fed Sox baseball park.I don't think it was the truth, but it sounded good.

The next afternoon I left Jomtien for Chai-nat. A four-hour bus ride. More beset by trepidation than fear. My girlfriend said she wanted me to tell the truth. I want to do the same, but sometimes the truth was best said when no one is listening. Especially when my penis was on the menu for ducks.

Cave canard which is a mix of Latin and French for 'beware of the duck'.

A SENSE OF LOSS by Peter Nolan Smith

American women are fairly unforgiving about adultery. If their husband cheats on them, they rape him for 50% of everything. American men cry about this loss of material goods, however Thai women react in the extreme to their mate's infidelity.

Back in 2008 I was sitting in a West Palm Beach Thai restaurant with my friend Lisa, who was berating my indecision about whether I should tell my wife about mia noi, with whom I was having a baby.

"I'm 9000 miles away from Thailand. Who knows when I'll be back?" I ordered a Singha beer from the patroness, a 50ish woman from Bangkok.

"You can't avoid the situation forever." Lisa was a single mom. Her husband hadn't dropped a dime on the upbringing of his son. She had a right to be angry at men. "You're going to have to tell them both."

"Not good idea," the restarurantowner said with a shaking head. "Thailand not America. Man tell wife he have mia noi. Wife cut off penis."

"Yes, cut off penis. Feed penis to ducks."

"Why ducks?" Lisa was acquainted with Japan, who are more like Swedes to the Thais.

"Feed to duck, because pigs not eat penis. Duck eat everything else, but not penis."

Lisa didn't believe her and I told the owner that I was keeping my mia noi a secret.

She smiled a blessing, since it was common knowledge that I was taking care of both families.

I barely had enough money to afford bad wine, but I had no intention of telling either wife anything.

Just recently a Belgian tourist had his penis mutilated by his jealous Thai girlfriend after he stupidly told her about having a 'geek' or girlfriend as she was fellating him. The doctors at Pattaya Memorial Hospital re-attached the organ. Police are seeking to arresting the woman on charges of aggravated assault.

The Thai Visa Forum was abuzz with the usual wankers castigating the Belgian for thinking he was a sex god. Their holier-than-thou attitude remains a sore on the Gulf of Siam. Maybe someday the killjoys will be rescue by Jesus and taken off this Earth for good.

That day can't come too soon.

Meanwhile all you infidels sleep with one eye open.

I know I will on my upcoming trip to Thailand.

CAVE ANATIS by Peter Nolan Smith

I spent the summer of 2008 on Palm Beach care-taking a haunted mansion and a crackhead Airedale for Johnny Zombie. The months of June, July, and August were very off-season, as the ultra-rich fled the fabled island for less muggy climes in France, Italy, and Maine.

The house off Ocean Avenue was a big change from my previous place of residence, Pattaya, Thailand. I also living alone instead of dividing my time between two women; my ex-wife #1 and our daughter and my pregnant girlfriend Mam. Pom Pom was a good companion. She only barked at other dogs. The snarls were saved for strangers.

I phoned Thailand everyday and sent money to both women once a week. It was not enough, for you don't get paid much to take care of a crazy dog, even if it was on the most wanted list of Palm Beach county for mauling poodles.

My friend Lisa had arranged this job.

She was a single mom. This status didn't score any sympathy for my situation.

Every day she criticized my lack of decision.

"You'll have to make a choice one day."

"But not today." Thailand was 9000 miles away.

"Why not?" This rationale was unacceptable to her code of ethics.

"I barely have enough money for a cheap 1.5 liter of wine let alone a round trip ticket to Bangkok." I did my best to not tell her 'hoop bargh' or shut up in Thai, but she was relentless.

One afternoon we rode over to the Thailand grocery on Dixie Highway to pick up Thai food. Lisa mentioned to the owner that I had lived in Thailand. The woman asked where and I told her Chainat and Jomtien.

"Why two places?"

"Because he has two wives." Lisa answered the question for me.

"You are very Thai. Who you love #1? Mia noi?"

"She's not my mia noi, but I love Mam." My admission was easy since my wife had done many bad things over our six years together. I was no saint, but her sins were forgivable without being forgettable.

"Should he tell #1 about #2?" Lisa thought now she had an ally.

"Tell for what? For hurt two people. No way. Better to say nothing." Boon was in her 50s. She had lived in America over thirty years. Her family was from Ban Nok same as both my wives and she understood country ways.

"If he tell wife #1 she angry and maybe cut off his penis."

"Cut off his penis?" Lisa crunched up her face like she hadn't heard right.

"Yes, Thai lady not want man have sex with other lady. She cut off penis and feed to ducks."

"Why ducks?"

"Because unlike pig, duck eat everything. Better you say nothing." She looked at me, as if to say never tell the truth until you have to. "Not telling truth not same telling lie. No one get hurt. Not him. too."

It was sound advice, but after the birth of my son Fenway the lie was not a viable path.

Upon returning to Thailand I told my ex-wife about Mam and Fenway.

"I already know. I not stupid same Kwaii." Buffaloes are considered stupider than farangs by Thais.

That night I slept in the other bed as I had since my ex-wife left me for another man.

I don't think she would cut off my penis and feed it to the ducks.

She knows I love my daughter.

But it's always better to play it safe with a woman from Bannok, so fellow farangs 'cave anatis' which is Latin for 'beware of the duck'.

Like Boon said, "They eat everything.

CAVE ANATIS by Peter Nolan Smith

Four years ago I spent the summer on Palm Beach. It was very off-season; rainy, hot, and no one on the beaches. The mansion off Ocean Avenue was a big change from my previous place of residence, Pattaya, Thailand. I also living alone instead of dividing my time between two women; my ex-wife and our daughter and my pregnant girlfriend.

My only companion was the mansion owner's crackhouse Airedale. My job was to walk, feed, and make sure Pom Pom didn't attack any other dogs or people during Johnny Zombey's family vacation in Italy. It was harder than it sounded, since Pom Pom weighed over eighty pounds and the Palm Beach cops had 'shoot to kill' orders, if the crazed dog slipped the lease.

I missed my families and phoned Thailand everyday. I sent money to both women once a week. It was not enough. Johnny Zombey wasn't paying me much to insure Pom Pom was alive upon his return, but there weren't many jobs open that summer. America was in an economic collapse.

My friend Lisa had arranged this job.

She was a single mom. This status didn't win any sympathy for my Mormonesque marital status . Every day she criticized my inability to decide between two women.

"You'll have to make a choice one day."

"But not today." Thailand was 9000 miles away. I barely had enough money for a cheap 1.5 liter of wine let alone a round trip ticket to Bangkok. This rationale was unacceptable to her code of ethics. I did my best to not tell her 'hoop bargh' or shut up in Thai, but she was relentless with her rebukes.

I explained everything to Pom Pom. The Airedale was improving on her behavior. She licked my face, as if to say I was doing the right thing, then again I was the man feeding her every day.

One afternoon we rode over to the Thailand grocery on Dixie Highway to pick up take-away food. Lisa mentioned to the store owner that I had lived in Thailand. The woman asked where and I told her, "Chainat and Jomtien."

"Why two places?"

"Because he has two wives." Lisa answered the question for me.

"You are very Thai." Nong was in her 40s. Her beauty was in her smile and she opened three bottles of Singha beer. Thais like beer. It helped people talk, " Who you love #1 or # 2?"

"# 2." My admission was easy to answer, since my wife had done many bad things over our 6 years together. I was no saint, but her list had sins forgivable without being forgettable.

"Should he tell #1 about #2?" Lisa thought that she had an ally.

"Tell for what? For hurt two people. No way. Better to say nothing." Nong had lived in America over thirty years. Her family was from Ban Nok or 'the hicks' same as both my wives. She understood country ways. "If he tell wife #1 she angry and maybe cut off his penis."

"Cut off his penis?" Lisa crunched up her face like she hadn't heard right.

"Yes, Thai lady not want man have sex with other lady. She cut off penis and feed to ducks."

"Ducks?" Lisa was confused by this.

"Yes, pig not eat penis, Duck eat everything."

"Cave canard." It was half-Latin, half French. Both women looked at me funny and I explained, "Beware of the duck."

"Yes, duck not good for man." Nong pointed her finger at me. " Better you say nothing. Never tell truth. Not telling truth not same telling lie. No one get hurt. Not him. too."

It was sound advice for that summer. Pom Pom understood as well.

At the start of hurricane season Johnny Zombey and his family returned from their holiday. Pom Pom greeted them, as if I didn't exist, but barked out a good-bye, as Johnny drove me to the airport. I would miss her.

Months later I traveled to Thailand and I had to be two places at once.

It wasn't easy.

I spent the first week of my trip with Mam and our new son, Fenway. # 2 was now # 1, but she didn't like her status no matter how much I tell her that I love her.

She knew about # 1.

"Your wife she not know about me, but I know about her. This not good."

"I know." She was right and I felt like a bad man.

The next afternoon I left Jomtien for Chai-nat. It was a four-hour bus ride on which I was beset more by trepidation than fear. Mam called on the cell.

"I want to believe you. You tell truth to wife # 1. Everything good." Mam wanted the same as LIsa.

"I love you." I wanted the same as them, but I'm a coward. A woman wouldn't understand that the truth is best said when no one is listening, especially when my penis is on the menu for ducks, but Pom Pom would. She and I had an understanding.

anatis is Latin for duck.

Cave anatis, farangs.