Four years ago I spent the summer on Palm Beach. It was very off-season; rainy, hot, and no one on the beaches. The mansion off Ocean Avenue was a big change from my previous place of residence, Pattaya, Thailand. I also living alone instead of dividing my time between two women; my ex-wife and our daughter and my pregnant girlfriend.
My only companion was the mansion owner's crackhouse Airedale. My job was to walk, feed, and make sure Pom Pom didn't attack any other dogs or people during Johnny Zombey's family vacation in Italy. It was harder than it sounded, since Pom Pom weighed over eighty pounds and the Palm Beach cops had 'shoot to kill' orders, if the crazed dog slipped the lease.
I missed my families and phoned Thailand everyday. I sent money to both women once a week. It was not enough. Johnny Zombey wasn't paying me much to insure Pom Pom was alive upon his return, but there weren't many jobs open that summer. America was in an economic collapse.
My friend Lisa had arranged this job.
She was a single mom. This status didn't win any sympathy for my Mormonesque marital status . Every day she criticized my inability to decide between two women.
"You'll have to make a choice one day."
"But not today." Thailand was 9000 miles away. I barely had enough money for a cheap 1.5 liter of wine let alone a round trip ticket to Bangkok. This rationale was unacceptable to her code of ethics. I did my best to not tell her 'hoop bargh' or shut up in Thai, but she was relentless with her rebukes.
I explained everything to Pom Pom. The Airedale was improving on her behavior. She licked my face, as if to say I was doing the right thing, then again I was the man feeding her every day.
One afternoon we rode over to the Thailand grocery on Dixie Highway to pick up take-away food. Lisa mentioned to the store owner that I had lived in Thailand. The woman asked where and I told her, "Chainat and Jomtien."
"Why two places?"
"Because he has two wives." Lisa answered the question for me.
"You are very Thai." Nong was in her 40s. Her beauty was in her smile and she opened three bottles of Singha beer. Thais like beer. It helped people talk, " Who you love #1 or # 2?"
"# 2." My admission was easy to answer, since my wife had done many bad things over our 6 years together. I was no saint, but her list had sins forgivable without being forgettable.
"Should he tell #1 about #2?" Lisa thought that she had an ally.
"Tell for what? For hurt two people. No way. Better to say nothing." Nong had lived in America over thirty years. Her family was from Ban Nok or 'the hicks' same as both my wives. She understood country ways. "If he tell wife #1 she angry and maybe cut off his penis."
"Cut off his penis?" Lisa crunched up her face like she hadn't heard right.
"Yes, Thai lady not want man have sex with other lady. She cut off penis and feed to ducks."
"Ducks?" Lisa was confused by this.
"Yes, pig not eat penis, Duck eat everything."
"Cave canard." It was half-Latin, half French. Both women looked at me funny and I explained, "Beware of the duck."
"Yes, duck not good for man." Nong pointed her finger at me. " Better you say nothing. Never tell truth. Not telling truth not same telling lie. No one get hurt. Not him. too."
It was sound advice for that summer. Pom Pom understood as well.
At the start of hurricane season Johnny Zombey and his family returned from their holiday. Pom Pom greeted them, as if I didn't exist, but barked out a good-bye, as Johnny drove me to the airport. I would miss her.
Months later I traveled to Thailand and I had to be two places at once.
It wasn't easy.
I spent the first week of my trip with Mam and our new son, Fenway. # 2 was now # 1, but she didn't like her status no matter how much I tell her that I love her.
She knew about # 1.
"Your wife she not know about me, but I know about her. This not good."
"I know." She was right and I felt like a bad man.
The next afternoon I left Jomtien for Chai-nat. It was a four-hour bus ride on which I was beset more by trepidation than fear. Mam called on the cell.
"I want to believe you. You tell truth to wife # 1. Everything good." Mam wanted the same as LIsa.
"I love you." I wanted the same as them, but I'm a coward. A woman wouldn't understand that the truth is best said when no one is listening, especially when my penis is on the menu for ducks, but Pom Pom would. She and I had an understanding.
anatis is Latin for duck.
Cave anatis, farangs.
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