Penile Resurrection - 2009

In ancient times victories armies castrated their vanquished foes to emphasize their superiority. Penile amputation is a rarity in most of the modern world. John Bobbit was the last American male to suffer this catastrophic injury at the hands of his avenging wife, however Thai wives constantly threaten their husbands and boyfriends with 'dtart ham' and over forty cases have been recorded over the last ten years in the Land of Smiles to reinforce the danger to philandering males in love with their mia nois or second wives.

Thai medical specialists have perfected the micro-surgery necessary to re-attach the severed member and Thai women thwart this rescue attempt by burying the detached penis in the sand or feeding it to ducks.

Pigs for some unknown reason won't eat penis.

I've not heard of any farang males suffering a pectomy. Not that they are more faithful than Thai men. All men are the same. Dogs, so it's a matter of time before an irate Thai woman decockifies a western man.

In case of penis amputation doctors suggest the following steps to assure a successful re-attachment.

1) Don't panic.
2) Find a piece of cloth, clean the cloth first and then press it hard on the wound to stop the blood.
3) Try to retrieve your severed member from wherever your angry partner had discarded it.
4) Wash it in clean water just like you wash chicken liver at the basin and keep it in a plastic bag - it can be kept this way for up to six hours.
5) If possible, keep the plastic bag in a container of iced water. This way it keeps for 24 hours.
6) Get to a hospital. FAST and DO NOT LAUGH.
Lastly if you must have your peccadilloes, put away all sharp items in the house before going to sleep and keep a weather eye open for any storm.

Hell hath no fury like a Thai woman who has lost face.

Believe me I know and only have my member because my feet are faster than a woman's hands. P>ps I haven't live in Thailand for several years. I never feared my wives most of the time, but I slept light with my children in the bedroom, becasue they were scared of ghosts. Not me, just ucks.

pps As of 2022, Thailand has been in the process of implementing voluntary chemical castration as an option for convicted sex offenders to reduce their prison sentences and the last known castration was in Chonburi 2018. Non nung dar bput.

Castration Craze

Back in 2009 Bangkok's The Nation reported on a growing castration (lopping off the testicles) or gaan dton trend amongst young wannabe ladyboys without funds to finance a complete sexual transformation. The castration operation costs $130US or 4400 baht and in most cases required parental approval.

These young boys were convinced that ridding themselves of their testicles will soften their masculine features much like a eunuch of the royal courts of China, however a leading homosexual support group had called on the Medical Council of Thailand to curtail this selective surgery for under-18s, since the youths might be succumbing to peer pressure rather than acting with a true desire to join the Third Sex.

Thailand is relatively ka-thoey friendly with gorgeous ladyboys competing on national television for beauty pageants, although the Thai TV way of life drives many ladyboys to work as streetwalkers on the sidewalks of Pattaya and Bangkok to support the constant need for drugs to maintain their female appearance. It’s a tough life and few sixteen year-olds can foresee the future before they irreversibly remove their offending manhood to achieve a dream of beauty.

Castration was not only an Asian phenomena.

In the 17th century young boys were castrated by church choirs to insure the salvation of their angelic voices. Klaus Nomi strove to re-enact these castrati soprano songs in the late-70s without undergoing surgery. He was a hit with David Bowie and in the back rooms of the West Village.

Not all castrations were for beauty or art.

The Skopsi of Czarist Russia created a blasphemous sect under the belief that the road to heaven was achieved only through castration. Numbering in the hundreds of thousands the sect appealed to the common man with Utopian communities based on Christian redemption on Earth. Their leader asked the czar to castrate himself. Peter III was a little mad, but not that mad.

Neither are the young boys of Thailand.

The boys just want to be girls.

The Popularity of Castration

In 2010 Thailand's The Nation reported on a growing castration (lopping off the testicles) or gaan dton trend amongst young wannabe ladyboys without funds to finance a complete sexual transformation. The castration operation costs $130US or 4400 baht and in most cases requires parental approval.

These young boys are convinced that ridding themselves of their testicles will soften their masculine features much like a eunuch of the royal courts of China, however a leading homosexual support group has called on the Medical Council of Thailand to curtail this selective surgery for under-18s, since the youths might be succumbing to peer pressure rather than acting with a true desire to join the 3rd sex.

Thailand is relatively ka-thoey friendly with gorgeous ladyboys competing on national television for beauty pageants, although the Thai TV way of life drives many ladyboys to work as streetwalkers on the sidewalks of Pattaya and Bangkok to purchase the drugs necessary to maintain their female appearance. It’s a tough life and few 16 year-olds can foresee the future before they irreversibly remove their offending manhood to achieve a dream of beauty.

Castration is not only an Asian phenomena.

In the 17th century young boys were castrated by church choirs to insure the salvation of their angelic voices. Klaus Nomi strove to re-enact these castrati soprano songs in the late-70s without undergoing surgery. He was a hit with David Bowie and in the back rooms of the West Village.

Not all castrations were for beauty or art.

The Skopsi of Czarist Russia created a blasphemous sect under the belief that the road to heaven was achieved only through castration. Numbering in the hundreds of thousands the sect appealed to the common man with Utopian communities based on Christian redemption on Earth. Their leader asked the czar to castrate himself. Peter III was a little mad, but not that mad.

Neither are the young boys of Thailand.

The boys just want to be girls.

Of course this operation would not be covered by any insurance company in the USA.

But neither is the common cold.

CAVE ANATIS by Peter Nolan Smith

I spent the summer of 2008 on Palm Beach care-taking a haunted mansion and a crackhead Airedale for Johnny Zombie. The months of June, July, and August were very off-season, as the ultra-rich fled the fabled island for less muggy climes in France, Italy, and Maine.

The house off Ocean Avenue was a big change from my previous place of residence, Pattaya, Thailand. I also living alone instead of dividing my time between two women; my ex-wife #1 and our daughter and my pregnant girlfriend Mam. Pom Pom was a good companion. She only barked at other dogs. The snarls were saved for strangers.

I phoned Thailand everyday and sent money to both women once a week. It was not enough, for you don't get paid much to take care of a crazy dog, even if it was on the most wanted list of Palm Beach county for mauling poodles.

My friend Lisa had arranged this job.

She was a single mom. This status didn't score any sympathy for my situation.

Every day she criticized my lack of decision.

"You'll have to make a choice one day."

"But not today." Thailand was 9000 miles away.

"Why not?" This rationale was unacceptable to her code of ethics.

"I barely have enough money for a cheap 1.5 liter of wine let alone a round trip ticket to Bangkok." I did my best to not tell her 'hoop bargh' or shut up in Thai, but she was relentless.

One afternoon we rode over to the Thailand grocery on Dixie Highway to pick up Thai food. Lisa mentioned to the owner that I had lived in Thailand. The woman asked where and I told her Chainat and Jomtien.

"Why two places?"

"Because he has two wives." Lisa answered the question for me.

"You are very Thai. Who you love #1? Mia noi?"

"She's not my mia noi, but I love Mam." My admission was easy since my wife had done many bad things over our six years together. I was no saint, but her sins were forgivable without being forgettable.

"Should he tell #1 about #2?" Lisa thought now she had an ally.

"Tell for what? For hurt two people. No way. Better to say nothing." Boon was in her 50s. She had lived in America over thirty years. Her family was from Ban Nok same as both my wives and she understood country ways.

"If he tell wife #1 she angry and maybe cut off his penis."

"Cut off his penis?" Lisa crunched up her face like she hadn't heard right.

"Yes, Thai lady not want man have sex with other lady. She cut off penis and feed to ducks."

"Why ducks?"

"Because unlike pig, duck eat everything. Better you say nothing." She looked at me, as if to say never tell the truth until you have to. "Not telling truth not same telling lie. No one get hurt. Not him. too."

It was sound advice, but after the birth of my son Fenway the lie was not a viable path.

Upon returning to Thailand I told my ex-wife about Mam and Fenway.

"I already know. I not stupid same Kwaii." Buffaloes are considered stupider than farangs by Thais.

That night I slept in the other bed as I had since my ex-wife left me for another man.

I don't think she would cut off my penis and feed it to the ducks.

She knows I love my daughter.

But it's always better to play it safe with a woman from Bannok, so fellow farangs 'cave anatis' which is Latin for 'beware of the duck'.

Like Boon said, "They eat everything.

CAVE ANATIS by Peter Nolan Smith

Four years ago I spent the summer on Palm Beach. It was very off-season; rainy, hot, and no one on the beaches. The mansion off Ocean Avenue was a big change from my previous place of residence, Pattaya, Thailand. I also living alone instead of dividing my time between two women; my ex-wife and our daughter and my pregnant girlfriend.

My only companion was the mansion owner's crackhouse Airedale. My job was to walk, feed, and make sure Pom Pom didn't attack any other dogs or people during Johnny Zombey's family vacation in Italy. It was harder than it sounded, since Pom Pom weighed over eighty pounds and the Palm Beach cops had 'shoot to kill' orders, if the crazed dog slipped the lease.

I missed my families and phoned Thailand everyday. I sent money to both women once a week. It was not enough. Johnny Zombey wasn't paying me much to insure Pom Pom was alive upon his return, but there weren't many jobs open that summer. America was in an economic collapse.

My friend Lisa had arranged this job.

She was a single mom. This status didn't win any sympathy for my Mormonesque marital status . Every day she criticized my inability to decide between two women.

"You'll have to make a choice one day."

"But not today." Thailand was 9000 miles away. I barely had enough money for a cheap 1.5 liter of wine let alone a round trip ticket to Bangkok. This rationale was unacceptable to her code of ethics. I did my best to not tell her 'hoop bargh' or shut up in Thai, but she was relentless with her rebukes.

I explained everything to Pom Pom. The Airedale was improving on her behavior. She licked my face, as if to say I was doing the right thing, then again I was the man feeding her every day.

One afternoon we rode over to the Thailand grocery on Dixie Highway to pick up take-away food. Lisa mentioned to the store owner that I had lived in Thailand. The woman asked where and I told her, "Chainat and Jomtien."

"Why two places?"

"Because he has two wives." Lisa answered the question for me.

"You are very Thai." Nong was in her 40s. Her beauty was in her smile and she opened three bottles of Singha beer. Thais like beer. It helped people talk, " Who you love #1 or # 2?"

"# 2." My admission was easy to answer, since my wife had done many bad things over our 6 years together. I was no saint, but her list had sins forgivable without being forgettable.

"Should he tell #1 about #2?" Lisa thought that she had an ally.

"Tell for what? For hurt two people. No way. Better to say nothing." Nong had lived in America over thirty years. Her family was from Ban Nok or 'the hicks' same as both my wives. She understood country ways. "If he tell wife #1 she angry and maybe cut off his penis."

"Cut off his penis?" Lisa crunched up her face like she hadn't heard right.

"Yes, Thai lady not want man have sex with other lady. She cut off penis and feed to ducks."

"Ducks?" Lisa was confused by this.

"Yes, pig not eat penis, Duck eat everything."

"Cave canard." It was half-Latin, half French. Both women looked at me funny and I explained, "Beware of the duck."

"Yes, duck not good for man." Nong pointed her finger at me. " Better you say nothing. Never tell truth. Not telling truth not same telling lie. No one get hurt. Not him. too."

It was sound advice for that summer. Pom Pom understood as well.

At the start of hurricane season Johnny Zombey and his family returned from their holiday. Pom Pom greeted them, as if I didn't exist, but barked out a good-bye, as Johnny drove me to the airport. I would miss her.

Months later I traveled to Thailand and I had to be two places at once.

It wasn't easy.

I spent the first week of my trip with Mam and our new son, Fenway. # 2 was now # 1, but she didn't like her status no matter how much I tell her that I love her.

She knew about # 1.

"Your wife she not know about me, but I know about her. This not good."

"I know." She was right and I felt like a bad man.

The next afternoon I left Jomtien for Chai-nat. It was a four-hour bus ride on which I was beset more by trepidation than fear. Mam called on the cell.

"I want to believe you. You tell truth to wife # 1. Everything good." Mam wanted the same as LIsa.

"I love you." I wanted the same as them, but I'm a coward. A woman wouldn't understand that the truth is best said when no one is listening, especially when my penis is on the menu for ducks, but Pom Pom would. She and I had an understanding.

anatis is Latin for duck.

Cave anatis, farangs.