Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Thai Perfection or Lak-sa-na-tee-dee

The standard joke amongst men about the perfect western girlfriend was that her father owned a pub and she’s 3' 4" with a flat head, so you can put your beer on her.

Few females answer those simple Occidental needs, but in Thailand it is more than likely that your girlfriend’s father is distilling moonshine lao khao or rice whiskey, she’s 5-3, and there is no way any Thai will let you mess with their head even if it’s flat.

So what qualities make up the perfect Thai girlfriend?

I googled ‘perfect thai girlfriend’ and the search engine came up with over 870,000 results.

The late mangosauce’s contribution was his reverse alchemy factor where a Thai girlfriend can turn gold into a base metal. His comment was funny, but this warning shot over the bow was more a helpful hint as to what pluses might answer a farang’s fondest wishes.

Thailovelinks.com described the perfect Thai girlfriend on their website.

The girl on the home page seemed right for me, but she’s nowhere to be found within their promo pages, plus my attraction was only physical.

Being near-sighted I don’t need a beauty queen.

Pretty yes, but I don’t want to fight duels over the perfect Thai girlfriend with every other lovesick farang.

The next website was asiastreetmeat.com.

No one is looking for girlfriends on that misogynistic XXX site.

Only girlfiends who serve the purpose of lust.

I’ve had several Thai girlfriends.

Everyone of them was nice, until they weren’t nice and I made up my own list for the perfect Thai girlfriend.

No tattoos / especially if it’s a heart with a name scratched out.

Minimal to zero English / Not long on the bar scene.

No cigarettes or drinking / nasty habits in a woman, but makes for a good bloke.

Dead Thai boyfriend / hopefully by a meteorite to the head so everyone would be scare shitless at the mention of his name.

No children / Mam and I have three. Fenway, Fluke, and Noi. I can deal with that number. Four too. But I’m very happy with three.

No internet skills / Dead give-away of a foreign boyfriend, who strangely shows up when you are leaving town. “Not worry, he only friend.”

No Gold necklaces / Another indication of sucker boyfriend, although we have to defer to mangosauce’s theory of reverse alchemy. Diamonds to ashes.

Your first date shouldn't be a short-time from Soi 6 although there no more blinding passion than lust at first sight.

And penultimately of all no slash marks across the wrists, which are the warning sign of a true dangerous maniac. Also great sex.

She also has to be beautiful, funny, and loving.

Needless to say no such creature exists in Thailand or America or the rest of the world, because no one is perfect.

Not now.

Not ever as proven by Charles de Talleyrand, who manipulated kings, emperors, and statesmen during the 18th Century. This powerful eminence gris had been in love with the most beautiful and erudite woman of the Paris salons. The haute-class courtesan ditched him for a supposedly gay captain in the Swiss Guards. Being smart she needed a challenge.

Talleyrand was broken-hearted, but his friends and critics were shocked by his later marriage to the daughter of country gentry, until he confessed, “One must have loved a genius to appreciate the love of a fool.”

And I’m no different.

No matter what qualities I admire in a woman they will be never enough to satisfy my dreams, so we have to be content with what we get, because as the great philosopher MICK JAGGER said, “You can always get what you want, but if you try some time you might end up with what you need.”

Deviant Londoners would love to see Mr. Jimmy, except the Chelsea Drugstore is now a Mickey D. fast food chain instead of a nihilistic heroin connection as featured in the movie CLOCKWORK ORANGE.

Nothing is sacred anymore, especially the profane, so I'll take my perfection where I can find it.

Lak-sa-na-tee-dee.

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