Monday, July 4, 2016

Bringing the Title Back Home

In 2007 the USA failed to qualify for the finals of sailing's most prestigious title, The America Cup, however Joey Chesnut of Potomac Falls, VA vanquished the six-time defending hot dog eating champ Takeru Kobayashi and brought the trophy back to the States. 

At the annual Fourth of July eat-off the two finalists were tied at 60 hot dogs at 11 minutes and the crowd at Nathan's of Coney Island chanted, "USA USA USA." while taunting his opponent with "Tora Tora Tora." 

Momentarily Kobayashi seemed to have also eaten his sixty-third hot dog, until he spit pout the last bite at the buzzer, while the Potomac Falls VA. resident swallowed his last bite and said, "I could eat another, if I had to."

The Champ relinquished his title and explained that he had been laid low by a wisdom tooth extraction. He was a loser, but still game. "I'll beat him next year."

A great 4th of July victory for the States.

Several years ago I traveled uptown to The Spanish-American Museum in Harlem. A Swedish art dealer wanted me to look at a Goya painting in the collection, since he was trying to sell an undocumented painting from Russia as a Goya. I looked at the photo of his and I said, "Not even close."

Afterwards I walked back to the subway and spotted Charlie's Soul Kitchen, which offered 'all you could eat' for $9.99."

I was hungry and loaded a plate with brisket, collard green, fried chicken et al.

The restaurant was crowded with overweight diners.

The fat man at the opposite table laughed at my effort. 

"I haven't begun to eat."

"You don't have a chance, little man."

I weighed 200 pounds.

He was twice that size and I challenged him to an 'eat-off'.

Three plates later he was sweating bullets, although when I went up for dessert, he smiled with the taste of victory.

He was a little premature and I said, "Just clearing my palate."

I ate another plate of everything and nearly died from my excess, still I was wondering about how many hot dogs I could eat in 12 minutes.


Three years ago in Sri Racha, Thailand I got down three hot dogs before feeling ill. The soi dogs ate the other nine from the package and my little puppy got one. The biggest dog ate 3 in ten seconds and looked for more. Obviously dogs aren't allowed in the Nathan's contest.

I won't be either, for I felt like an Alien was giving birth in my belly for the rest of the day.

Instead it was heartburn.

In my stomach.

And I lost to a dog.

Oh, poor America.

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