Eat At Earth

Our solar system belongs to the Milky Way, a barred spiral galaxy comprised of billions of stars. Our nearest neighbor is the Andromeda Galaxy. Our sun twirls on the very edge of the swirling mass of stars ie the boondocks. No ETs are coming to this speck in the cosmic dust, yet as a young boy living in the southern suburbs of Boston I fell prey to the belief that 'we are not alone'.

Flying saucers, UFOs, and little green Martians were real, while my ranch house existence with a two-car garage was a fake. Carnivals and circus were banned from my hometown, so the only escape offered to a 10 year-old boy was via the stars and every summer night once my parents were asleep I would leave out house to lie on the grass, praying for the ETs to take me away to Andromeda.

I didn't even care if I was anally probed, after all I was an altar boy.

Sadly I remained on Earth.

The government declared UFOs a myth and anyone believing in flying saucers were mad. Little green Martians were a joke.

That was the 1960s.

Fifty years later the world governing body, the UN, announced that they had appointed an ambassador to celestial new-comers asking the time-honored question, "Take me to your leader."

Their choice was a woman.

I hope that she had a good sense of humor, for laughter is the galactic equalizer and if so she might tell jokes such as this one offered by Mark King.

Two aliens enter a bar. One orders a single tequila shot with double worms. The other asks: why did you order double worms?

Because I've gone onto the Maria Callas diet... there's so much to learn from these earthlings.

Or

What's E.T. short for? Because he has little legs!

And

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.

What's the difference between a legal alien and an illegal alien? Since 2002 - nothing. Both have lost their civil rights.

But no aliens have arrived on Earth.

At least none have announced their coming and they might never come, unless the UN puts a big billboard EAT AT EARTH on the Moon.

That announcement should draw them to the third planet from the Sun.

Fat people are so tasty at a BBQ.