THE BLESSING OF THE LIZARD KING By Peter Nolan Smoth

Monitor lizards are native to Southeast Asia. These carnivorous predators are related to the famous Komodo Dragon and varanid lizards are cooperative hunters like raptors in JURASSIC PARK. According to the Bangkok Post monitor lizards are known to cluster in the city's secluded water pipes and up to two hundred of the two-meter long beasts reside in each of the sunken city's districts.

Many urban Thais regard the sighting of a hia or monitor lizard as the harbinger of bad luck in spite of the legend about sighting them warns humans of crocodiles. Down south on the Isthmus of Ka country folks keep the miniature monsters as domestic pets, because crocodiles still wander the mangrove swamps lining the peninsula.

"They keep increasing in numbers because these reptiles have few natural enemies, and their food is always plentiful," a Thai reptile expert said, "Water monitors eat almost anything; fish, eggs, and even rotten meat."

The only lizard in my hometown south of Boston was Jim Morrison singing 'crawling king snake', but in 1991 I ferried from the Malaysian Peninsula to Tioman Island in the South China Sea, which the Lonely Planet had called a tropical gem. Jungles blanketed the hills and the sea was an invisible sheet of desperately clear with white sand gleaming white in the midday sun.

European backpackers overstayed their visits on this paradise. The beer was cold and the bungalows were cheap.

On my second week there I met a Swedish blonde traveler. She liked my poetry and we spent four nights together.

"Our sleeping together means nothing." Velda was telling the truth. European hedonists were devoted to the pleasure of the sun and on the fifth morning our relationship had reached the end.

"I want to sleep alone," the slim Swede announced with her back tuned to the dawn.

"No problem."

I got dressed and returned to my hut. Velda didn't even kiss me good-bye and I expected that she would leave on the morning ferry for the mainland. I slept in late and hit the bungalow bar at noon.

"Beer for all my friends." There were only three Germans at the bar, but I loved that line from the movie BARFLY.

Before the beers arrived, a scream screeched through the trees.

Velda ran into the bar. Her long blonde hair was a Medusa snarl and her voice hit a soprano high on every word, as she exclaimed in a panic, "There's a lizard in the bathroom."

The Malays working at the restaurant laughed about a lizard. Lizards and snakes crawled and slithered everywhere on Tioman, but I understood her fears. My mother was scared of insects. If one got into the house, she cried, "There"s a monster in the bathroom."

I figured that Velda was just as hysterical as my mother and grabbed a broom.

"I'll get rid of a lizard."

"He more big than Gecko." The terror had stripped away her high school English.

"I"ll take care of it. Show me." I followed her down the path to her bungalow. The A-frame stood in a palm grove perched next to a tidal inlet. Mangrove trees had sunk their roots into the brackish swamp water. It was good breeding place for lizards. The buzz of mosquitoes hummed from the swamp and Velda pointed to the bathroom door.

"He's in there."

"Don't worry, this will only take a second." I grabbed a whisk broom.

"Be careful."

"Careful is my middle name."

I peered inside the room. The bathroom door was shut. I heard no noise from inside and figured that the lizard had escaped through the ceiling. I tiptoed across the floor, broom in one hand. I yanked on the bathroom door expecting to find only a toilet, instead thick-chested monitor lizard bared slimy teeth with a hiss.

The broom dropped to the floor and I slammed the door shut.

"That is a big lizard." I ran outside to Velda. "You want to stay at my place?"

"Yes, but no sex."

"None at all." I grabbed her bag and she moved back into my place for another week.

I thanked Jim Morrison the Lizard God for those extra days and nights.

I had seen the Doors at the Boston Tea Party in 1968. I didn't tell that to the Swedish girl. Velda hadn't realize that I was in my late-30s. The twenty year-old's skin was as smooth as river-polished stone. After her departure to Koh Phi Phi, I spotted the monitor lizard lazing in the sun.

I bought a dozen boiled eggs from the warung and fed them one by one.

It was the least I could do for a cousin of Jim Morrison.

Anything else would have doomed me to bad luck and bad lick with a lizard was worse than bad.

Monitor Lizards

Related to the famed Komodo Dragon, SE Asia's Monitor lizards conduct their predatory These carnivorous predators are related to the famous Komodo Dragon. Varanid lizards are cooperative hunters like raptors in JURASSIC PARK. Many Thais regard the sighting of a hia or monitor lizard as the harbinger of bad luck, despite legends of their legend warning humans of crocodiles. Some people even keep the miniature monsters as domestic pets.

"Don't worry, Fang doesn't bite."

Yeah, right.More...

Bangkok Post readers were surprised by the report that monitor lizards cluster in the city's secluded water pipes. Up to 200 of the 2-meter long beasts reside in each city district. None of them are registered PPP voters.

''They keep increasing in numbers because these reptiles have few natural enemies, and their food is always plentiful,'' a Thai reptile expert said, "Water monitors eat almost anything _ fish, eggs, and even rotten meat."

The ants in my house never eat potato chips.

Monitor lizards will eat junk food, but they really like eggs.

In 1991 I stopped at Malaysia's Tioman Island. Lonely Planet referred to the South China Sea island as a tropical gem. Jungles blanketed the hills. The sea was almost invisible. The beach sand gleams white in the midday sun. The beer was cold and the bungalows cheap. Backpackers overstayed their visits. One was a Swedish girl. The 23 year-old was blonde. We slept together four nights in a row.

"This means nothing." She was telling the truth. It was only sex. It was only talk. It was only fun. Nothing meant anything to devotees of the sun other than the next highlight on their world tour.

"I want to sleep alone." We had had sex all afternoon. She was exhausted. I didn't argue. My thirst for beer was greater than one bottle. She didn't even kiss me good-night. I expected she would leave on the morning ferry. It went at 7. backpackers didn't ahve affairs. I doubted we would see each other again. She was heading south to Singapore. I was Koh Phi Phi-bound.

"Beer for all my friends."

I love the movie BARFLY for that line alone.

Before the beers arrive, a scream screeched through the trees. The Swedish girl came running into the bar. Long blonde hair a medusa snarl. her voice hit a soprano high on every word. "There's a lizard in the bathroom."

The Malays laughed about a lizard. The island was crawling with lizards and snaked. Insects too. My mother was scared of insects. If one got into the house, she would cry, "There's a monster in the bathroom."

I figured the Swedish girl was just as hysterical as my mother and grabbed a broom. Playing the hero came natural. "I'll get rid of the lizard."

"He's bigger than Gecko." The terror had stripped away her good English grammar.

"I'll take care of it. Show me." I was familiar with the path to her bungalow. The A-frame stood in a palm grove preched next to a tidal inlet sweeping across a sand bar at high tide to flow into a mangrove swamp. The 40-watt light bulb over her open door fluttered like a firefly on its last legs. The Swedish stood on the porch.

"Be careful."

"My middle name." The next was fool-hardy. I peered inside the room. The bathroom door was shut. No noise. The gecko had probably escaped through the ceiling. I tiptoed to the bathroom, broom in one hand. I yanked on the bathroom door expecting to find only a toilet. I was wrong. A monitor lizard bared slimy teeth with a hiss. It was almost my size. The broom dropped to the floor, as I slammed the door shut.

"That is a big lizard. You want to sleep at my place?"

"You have lizards?"

"Small ones."

"I sleep with you."

We slept little. She stayed another week. I thanked the Lizard God. The Lizard King was Jim Morrison. I saw the Doors at the Boston Tea Party in 1968. I didn't tell the Swedish girl. She didn't realize I was in my late-30s. After she left, I spotted the monitor lizard lazing in the sun. I bought a dozen eggs.

It was the least I could do for a cousin of Jim Morrison.

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