Fox News Shutdown

Today the Borowitz Report announced that Fox News Channel would shut down for what it called “routine maintenance” Monday morning at 11:30 E.T. Fox News president Roger Ailes explained the timing of the shutdown, which will be the first in the history of the network: “We wanted to pick a time when we were positive nothing would be happening that our viewers would want to see.” Mr. Ailes said that Fox had considered shutting down only once before, exactly four years earlier on January 20, 2009, and later regretted the decision to continue broadcasting that day: “It turned out that no Fox viewers wanted to watch TV that day. And I mean none.” According to Mr. Ailes, for the twelve hours Fox News is off the air on Monday the network will broadcast a continuous photomontage of white people. “Regular viewers of Fox probably won’t notice anything unusual,” he said. After the routine maintenance is completed, Mr. Ailes said, Fox News will return to the air Tuesday morning with its regular broadcast schedule: “For Fox viewers, it will be like Monday never happened.” It was a joke. If only the closing of Fox News was a truth.

All Inclusive

In his 2008 inaugeral speech Barack Obama declared that the USA was a country of Christians, Jews, Muslims, and non-believers. "Non-believers." I hadn't ever heard anyone mention 'non-believers' without adding 'hang em' and for the first time in my life since renouncing the God of my ancestors I realized that I was part of the mix of this great country. Today Obama righted another inequity by announcing from the steps of the Capitol, "We, the people, declare today that the most evident of truths – that all of us are created equal – is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall." Stonewall? The first rebellion of gays against the repression of the straights. Squares throughout America asked themselves, "Did he say Stonewall?" They didn't have a chance to get an answer, because the President upped the ante by saying, "It is now our generation’s task to carry on what those pioneers began. For our journey is not complete until our wives, our mothers, and daughters can earn a living equal to their efforts. Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law, for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well." The Tea Partyers asked themselves, "Did he say 'gay'?" And the answer is yes, because we are America. All of us together. E pluribus unem.