Singapore NO NO 2013

Back in the 1950s more adventurous western travelers to Singapore frequented Bugis Street to view the Pearl of the Orient's notorious cavalcade of beautiful transvestites. The laissez-faire atmosphere of the sex entrepot was an affront to the city-state's puritanical President and by the late 1980s Bugis Street had been sanitized of perversion and by the 1990s Singapore was considered the least sexy city is Asia.

Tai-pei came in a close second.

In 2004 I missed a connecting flight in Tokyo. The passengers from my 747 were transported to a Narita hotel. We were given drink and dinner chits. I dined with two attractive Singapore business women coming back from New York. We drank several beers in the bar and I asked the about their lives at home.

"We work and ship. That's what Singapore girls do?" Suzee had lines growing in the corners of her eyes. She was pushing 35.

"What about boyfriends?"

"No boyfriends." Suzee shook her head in disgust. "We work too hard and Singapore men work too hard to have time for us."

"Do you go to clubs or bars?"

"No, we shop, we eat, we sleep and in the morning we go back to work." Suzee's friend was in her late-20s. Something about her thin lips said that she had never been kissed by a man or woman.

"And what about when you were in New York?"

The two laughed together and Suzee fingered the rim of her beer glass. "We worked, shopped, and ate, but not too much, because we don't want to be fat like Americans. Sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about." My countrymen were verging toward a majority in obesity, but even the fat people were having sex. "What about another beer?"

"Sorry, no, we have to go work a little before we sleep."

They excused themselves, giving me their extra drink chits. I went to bed with a good buzz and in the morning caught an early bus to Narita to catch my flight to Bangkok.

Singapore gained further attention for their inherent prudishness when Singapore Airlines announced that sex would not be tolerated in the luxury suites of the new Airbus A300.

"Passengers will be asked to refrain from sex," an official explained to a press member examining the double beds in the giant jet's 12 luxury suites. "All we ask of customers, wherever they are on our aircraft, is to observe standards that don't cause offence to other customers and crew. Nothing different applies for our Singapore Airlines Suites customers."

This proclamation must have disappointed sexual adventurers seeking the thrill so eloquently described in Erica Jong's novel FEAR OF FLYING.

"So they'll sell you a double bed, and give you privacy and endless champagne and then say you can't do what comes naturally?" Tony Elwood said while flying with his wife with aboard the inaugural flight from London to Singapore. Julie Elwood added, told The Times of London. "They seem to have done everything they can to make it romantic, short of bringing around oysters. They shouldn't really complain, should they?"

People have been having sex in airplanes without the luxury suites.

Mostly in the bathrooms, which are very cramped quarters like the backseat of a VW, only you can't stand in a Bug.

The ban is useless, because people will do what they want and the beds in Airbus A300 have already been baptized by Airbus employees.

They are French and Paris is tres sexy.

If Singapore Airlines is serious about the sex ban, then they will have to hire sky marshals to enforce their edict.

Impossible?

Not for a city-state that requires everyone to wash their hands after going to the bathroom and where the police have dogs to sniff out violators.

The canines could easily be trained to sniff out something else too.

The crime of high-altitude sex.

Bad people.

Woof-woof.

Other Singapore laws

No chewing gum

No spitting

No jay-walking

No gay sex

No bungee jumping

So obviously no chewing gum to work up a spit to lubricate your gay partner's nether gate before engaging in sex whilst bungee jumping.

Very bad people, but they were fun and sexy too.

Maybe one day the past will catch up to the future.

A Night Without Northen Lights 4/13/2013

Fort Greene April 13, 2013 From my roof I sought the Northern Lights The moon shone silver in the clear night Vanishing the aurora borealis from sight Banning the promised show from a city too bright. Clouds soon blanketed the heavens with a soft white Disapointed I descended from the roof's heights To my room and drink beer to soften the plight Of Man's futile search for the Northern Lights. and I don't have to rythme anything with beer, because the dance of the sky is always there after the sixth beer.

THE VALUE OF IGNORANCE by Peter Nolan Smith

The 2013 Christmas season was a disaster on 47th Street.

Back in the 1990s I usually sold close to a quarter of a million in jewelry.

My commissions provided a six-month cushion for the winter.

This season my sales totaled less than $25000.

My commish would cover my expenses until the second week of January. Richie Boy didn't need my services after Christmas. He actually needed nothing. Our firm along with most ground-floor stores in the Diamond District were in dangerous waters.

After the holiday Manny, my octogenarian boss, complained that the lack of sales was due to how we set up the window.

"You have to spread out the rings. Show people what we have." Manny roamed the street looking at other firm's windows. Any shop with customers inside it had to be doing something right. Our exchange was a morgue. We have very few diamond rings in the case.

No one-carat stones for the common man.

Everything was a big ticket item and the rich weren't shopping on 47th Street these days.

On Monday I came into the city from Brooklyn to drop off pearls. I met Sammie at Richie Boy's counter. I gave him his goods and he returned my memo.

"I've never seen a Christmas like this." Sammie had been in the business over thirty years.

"The jewelry business is dead." I had been working on the street since 1990.

"Why do you say that?" asked a Hassidic rebbi. Sol was renown for his wisdom. His followers were all diamond merchants. He must have heard their moans.

"Prices went up. Customers don't want to come into the city. They see the ads for Zales and Jared and hit the malls. No one even knows 47th Street exists," I had excuses galore for the collapse of our industry.

"That's rubbish," grumbled Manny from his desk. He regarded idle talk as a waste of time. "Hard work is what makes a business flourish."

"How do you hard work yourself out of this hole?" Sammie was seriously looking for an answer.

"It won't be easy. The street has to advertise itself. Our old customers are dying off. We need new blood, but most people under forty never buy jewelry, because they can't commit to a relationship. All they have are their smart phones and smart phones don't need diamonds."

"You don't know nothing," smirked Manny. He had been in the business for over sixty years.

"Have you ever seen it this bad?" Sol demanded in a quiet tone. The rebbi didn't want anyone to know what he thought of the economic climate.

"I got robbed for a half-million dollars. That was a bad time during a time of good money. All we have to do is make one good sale and everything will be fine." Manny waved his hands in the air like he was trying to conjure a rich customer from the dead. The exchange remained empty. "But when that is, I don't know."

"What do you know?" The rebbi stepped closer to the counter.

"I know nothing," Manny admitted in a display of honesty.

"Then you are the smartest man on the street, for anyone with all the answers hasn't heard all the questions." The rebbi blessed Manny and walked into the cold winter air.

Sammie and I looked at each other.

"So ignorance is a blessing?" Sammie buttoned his jacket. He had to go to see a pearl merchant in Chinatown.

"Socrates said, to know, is to know that you know nothing. That is the meaning of true knowledge."

"Sounds like Greek bullshit to me." Manny waved for us to leave. "I have work to do, not bullshit to hear, you beatnik bums.

"Happy New Year, Manny." I wished the old man.

My boss ignored me and dug into his pile of papers. The answer to his problems wasn't there, but it was better to look where it wasn't than where it was with only one day left in 2013.

Nothing really bad could happen in that time, when ignorance is blessed.

Tough Year for the Green

The Boston Celtics are a storied team in basketball.

No NBA franchise has won more championship and suffered fewer losing seasons.

Last year Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett were traded to the Brooklyn Nets to complete the break-up of the Big Three.

"This is my team," Rajon Rondo declared to the Boston media, except the all-star point guard hasn't played a single game due to off-season surgery.

The other night the Celtics went down to the Houston Rockets.

The game wasn't even close and I wondered whether this year's squad was as overwhelmed by the rest of the league as the 1998-99 Celtics consisting of Kenny Anderson, rookie Paul Pierce, Ron Mercer, Antoine Walker, and Tony Battie, which went 19-31 in a strike shortened season.

The only Celtics team to rival that record was the 1978–79 Boston Celtics.

29–53 to finish 5th in the Atlantic Division.

The next year the revived squad lost to the 76ers and Doctor J in Eastern Conference Finals and won the NBA championship with the first Big Three of Bird, McHale, and Parrish.

I don't see that reversal of fortune happening this year or the next, but I am a Celtics fan forever.

No matter how high the hoop, I believe in the green.

2013 Darwin Awards

2013 Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here Is The Glorious Winner: 1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And Now, The Honorable Mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6.. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?] 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER] 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough! In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family.... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. *****Remember***** They walk among us, they can reproduce.

The End Of Ice

Last night I came home to listen to the Bruins-Blackhawks Stanley Cup game on WBZ. My other choice was to view the sixth game at my local sports bar Mullanes, but I was exhausted after a long day of swinging a sledge hammer. Accompanied to bed by a 'Gansett beer, I heard the game seesaw from 1-0 to 1-1 and then 2-1 in the Bruins favor in the last minutes of the 3rd period. Winter seemed destined to last another day, however the Blackhawks pulled their goalie and evened up the match and 17 seconds later score the game-winner before a stunned TD Garden. Ice melted everywhere across the Western Hemisphere and summer came to me with the smell of honeysuckle in the air. It's a nice smell.

The Last Nights Of Winter

Tonight the Boston Bruins face off against the Chicago Blackhawks in my old hometown. The Bs are down 3-2 against the visitors. I want a seventh game and winter to last two more days. The ice is soft at the Garden. It's not Boston Garden, but it's Stanley Cup hockey and I can only shout one thing. GO BRUINS.

Bosox Undefeated

Yesterday the Red Sox beat the Yankees 8-2. We are undefeated and as any Red Sox fan knows 1st place is always good. Especially at the expense of the NY Douchebags.

Snow Coming

Meteorolgists are predicting a monster snowstorm for the East Coast with up to two feet of accumulation in the Boston area. New York is supposed to get a foot. Looking out from the Fort Greene Observatory, the skies are gray and a touch of the window says it's cold out there. Perfect conditions for a blizzard. It won't hit until Friday, so be where you are then and plan on being there for a while.

Beauty Most Fair Yo-Landi Vi$$er

Weebly.com is holding an online vote for most beautifful woman of 2013. Some of the women are familiar from screen, TV, and music. Others are succubus from the other side of a generation gap. Sadly none meet my citerion for beauty. Not Aishwarya Rai, Angelina Jolie, Nurgul Yesilcay, Adrina Lima, Mahlagha Jaberi, Miranda Kerr, Candice Swanepoel, Tuba Büyüküstün, Doutzen Kroes, Megan Fox, Irina Shayk, Alessandra Ambrosio, Mila Kunis, Ana Beatriz Barros, Jessica Alba, Katrina Kaif, Slita Ebanks, Maryam Zakaria, Haifa Wehbe, Claudia Lynx, Jennifer Lopez, Scarlett Johansson, Tyra Banks, Catherine Zeta Jones, Beyonce, Jacqueline Fernandez, Dia Mirza, Candice Boucher, Minka Kelly, or Cheryl Cole. Aishwarya Rai received 9,359 votes, but I placed my vote for Yo-Landi Vi$$er, from the South Africa White Trash rap band Die Antwoort. Let's make my one vote many. To do that go to the following URL http://2013mostbeautifulwomenintheworld.weebly.com/

Fantico Im Deutschland

Go see the show. Jorge wears g-strings.

All Inclusive

In his 2008 inaugeral speech Barack Obama declared that the USA was a country of Christians, Jews, Muslims, and non-believers. "Non-believers." I hadn't ever heard anyone mention 'non-believers' without adding 'hang em' and for the first time in my life since renouncing the God of my ancestors I realized that I was part of the mix of this great country. Today Obama righted another inequity by announcing from the steps of the Capitol, "We, the people, declare today that the most evident of truths – that all of us are created equal – is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall." Stonewall? The first rebellion of gays against the repression of the straights. Squares throughout America asked themselves, "Did he say Stonewall?" They didn't have a chance to get an answer, because the President upped the ante by saying, "It is now our generation’s task to carry on what those pioneers began. For our journey is not complete until our wives, our mothers, and daughters can earn a living equal to their efforts. Our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law, for if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well." The Tea Partyers asked themselves, "Did he say 'gay'?" And the answer is yes, because we are America. All of us together. E pluribus unem.