The God Of Beermas

Several years back one of the guards at the diamond exchange was drinking on the job. Joe had a Bud for breakfast. He drank another two on his coffee break. His lunch consisted of six beers. According to his calculation Joe consumed 15-16 beers during the course of a day. Finally his doctor advised Joe to cut down of his beers.

"I'm not stopping nothing." Joe was stubborn and ignored the warning, as his belly bloated to an enormous size.

On his next check-up the doctor informed him that his distended stomach was from the beer carbonation seeping through his stomach lining into his body. The only remedy was a complete cessation of beer and soda and Joe bemoaned his fall from grace.

“Even after the four week abstinence I won’t be able to drink beer. Not like a man is supposed to drink beer.”

I commiserated with my friend, because I’m a lightweight in my old age.

I have no more 20-beer nights.

These days five beers are too many, although I can put down ten when the thirst is on me.

Neither Joe nor I were world-class drinkers like Andre the Giant who drank enough for 30 men according to this piece from Wikpedia.

“He has been unofficially crowned “The Greatest Drunk on Earth” for once consuming 119 12-ounce beers in 6 hours. On an episode of WWE’s Legends of Wrestling, Mike Graham claimed that André once drank 197 16-ounce beers in one sitting, which was confirmed by Dusty Rhodes. In her autobiography, The Fabulous Moolah alleges that André drank 327 beers and passed out in a hotel bar in Reading, Pennsylvania, and because the staff could not move him, they had to leave him there until he regained consciousness.”

327 beers.

I’d died after drinking a 10th of his epic feat.

Andre the Giant would rise from the ashes of his hangover and drink as if there had been no yesterday.

My next beer is to him.

The God of Beermas and his ghost wants his beers during this Oktoberfest, so lift your beers to the Giant.

To hear tales of his drinking please go to this URL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Kwyb65J_d4

Jersey Oktoberfest

Last week the owner of the Old Danceteria extended an invitation to celebrate the Oktoberfest at the Zeppelin Hall in Jersey City.

"Bring a friend. All the beer you can drink and bratwurst you can eat."

John had always been a gracious host and I decided to bring along Dirty Dave and Wasta Steve.

"New Jersey?" Dirty Dave traveled the world and the Garden State was not on his must-see list of destinations. "That's Bridge and Tunnel land."

I know." Jersey was two rivers away from the Fort Greene Observatory in Brooklyn and filled with Jerseyites. Few people from Brooklyn ever went to Jersey, but I was from Boston and John was offering us a fabulous Oktober fest.

"Free beer. Free sausages. An oom-pah band and your old boss will be happy to see you." Dirty Dave had worked for John as a doorman. They hadn't seen each other in years and I said, "It will be a good surprise for the both of you. Plus Wasta Steve will be with us."

"Okay, I'll go."

Wasta Steve needed little convincing. I had arranged seats at the opening night of this season's Saturday Night Live for his girlfriend and he was free for a Saturday night of drinking in Jersey.

That evening we met in Fort Greene and took the F train to join Dirty Dave in the West Village to complete the last leg of the journey on the PATH train from the West 9th Street.

The tunnel was warm with the last of summer. The passengers were no different than Manhattanites or the denizens of Brooklyn. We arrived at the Zeppelin Hall at 8. The bouncer waved in Dirty Dave and me, but checked Wasta Stave's ID. He was under 30. I texted John, who replied to meet him at the bar. The place was packed with clean-cut beer-drinkers. The three of us fit right in.

John joined us at the bar.

He greeted me with a hug.

Dirty Dave received a broad smile.

"What you want?" he asked Wasta Steve. John was the consummate host.

"Beer and brat." Wasta Steve was from Indian. His family was Polish. They loved the combo.

"Your wish is my command."

John served us himself.

We ate and drank to our hearts' delight.

John and Dirty Dave spoke of old times.

We left together and sped through the Holland Tunnel.

I crossed the East River on the Manhattan Bridge.

It had been a great Oktoberfest.

Even with all the bridges and tunnels.

Trinken, essen, und denn schlafen.

Ain't nothing better.

Happy Beermas

Oktoberfest is a High Holiday month for beer-drinkers around the world.

Your attendance is obligatory.

Drink Beer and drink it often.

It's good for you.

If you have any difficulties, please refer to the above chart.

It's a life-saver.

PLease click on it to enlarge, if you don't have good eye sight.

Beer As the Cure

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM Feet cold and wet
CAUSE Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

SYMPTOM Feet warm and wet
CAUSE Improper Bladder Contro
CORRECTIVE ACTION Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

SYMPTOM Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE a. Glass empty b. You're holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
CAUSE You have fallen over backward
CORRECTIVE ACTION Have yourself lashed to bar

SYMPTOM Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
CAUSE You have fallen forward
CORRECTIVE ACTION See above

SYMPTOM Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
CAUSE a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
CORRECTIVE ACTION Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

SYMPTOM Floor Blurred
CAUSE You are looking through bottom of empty glass
CORRECTIVE ACTION Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM Floor moving
CAUSE You are being carried out
CORRECTIVE ACTION Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM Room seems unusually dark
CAUSE Bar has closed
CORRECTIVE ACTION Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

SYMPTOM Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
CAUSE Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
CORRECTIVE ACTION Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

SYMPTOM Everyone looks up to you and smiles
CAUSE You are dancing on the table
CORRECTIVE ACTION Fall on someone cushy-looking

SYMPTOM Beer is crystal-clear
CAUSE It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
CORRECTIVE ACTION Punch him

SYMPTOM People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
CAUSE You're in the ladies room
CORRECTIVE ACTION Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

SYMPTOM Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
CAUSE You have been in a fight
CORRECTIVE ACTION Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

SYMPTOM Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
CAUSE You've wandered into the wrong party
CORRECTIVE ACTION See if they have free beer

SYMPTOM Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
CAUSE a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy
CORRECTIVE ACTION Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

SYMPTOM Your singing sounds distorted
CAUSE The beer is too weak
CORRECTIVE ACTION Have more beer until your voice improves

SYMPTOM Don't remember the words to the song
CAUSE Beer is just right
CORRECTIVE ACTION Play air guitar

401-Keg Plan

Retirement plans compared...

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Countrywide Financial, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac stock, you would have nothing left (except more taxes).

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and redeemed the cans for recycling, you would receive $50.00, unless it was held by Andre the Giant and then it would have been worth more..

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

(from a friend)

Happy Oktoberfest

Oktoberfest 2012

Why did Doctor Nick instruct me to give up beer on the cusp of Oktoberfest?

It's a cruel world.

<