ER Waiting Room

Last Thursday I headed out to Montauk to resume my weekend gig at Winick Diamonds on 771 Montauk Highway. The usual 8:18 departure from Jamaica Station. I sat on the left side to avoid the glare of the morning sun. The old disel train hauled the newer yet still old passenger cars down the line. Everything was so familar. This routine entering its third year. Weekends in Montauk from May to December 24. Weekend days in the city. Familiar, although a few changes. I had moved from Clinton Hill to the NYU professor housing at the end of April. Back into the city after twenty-four years in Thailand, Palm Beach, Fort Greene, Luxembourg, and Clinton Hill. Different, but the same.

The train ride was uneventful. Spring was slowly spreading east throughout suburban Long Island. Slowly. It had been a long cold winter. I fell asleep at one point and woke at last past Amagansett with the train its 60 plus MPH through the beetle-ravaged Pine Barren. Not a single pine had survied the infestation. Last weekend a park ranger explained that the seedlings await a burn. He didn't hazard a guess as to when the fallen forest will catch light. I estimated July.

The train arrived on time. 10:55. Dermont the taxi driver was late, thinking I had caught the Jitney. I avoid the alternate transport to and from the city. Too many of 'them' of those luxury buses. $12 for a five minute ride to the beach shack on Ditch Plains. I was a day early. Richie Boy, the owner, and his lovely wife were on vacation in Scotland. Their first since the birth of their now thirteen year- old twins. I was the baby sitter. I am not considered a bad influence and I relate well to the young. Ignoring them suits them fine.

"Huh" My greeting. I keep it simple.

Pick them up at school

"Huh."

Drop them off. Drive to Camp Hero. Montauk is 70% parkland. I stand on the bluff. Waves crash on the rocky beach over a hundred feet below. Barely audible over the wind. It is not winter, but neither is it spring. That nigt I turned the tent heater up to the max. I fell sleep around 9 and woke with the dawn. Something was not right. Not qith the dawn, but my stomach was usually swollen.

Isza, the young store manager, waited outside, energy drink by her side. The Montauk native is over three times younger than me. She smiles to see my face. Not so much happy to see me. More happy to open the store on time. She is a dutiful employee. I am her slothful antithesis, but have been declared sales manager. Neither title earn us more money.

After setting up the jewelry, I sat nd felt my abdoment.My belly was fine, but below the incision scar beneath my ribs rose a bulge. It hadn't been there yesterday. As a transplant recipient, I was acutely wary in any changes my physiology. I called the transplant and left a message. Five minures later the doctor on call said hello and asked questions. Pain, bleeding, fever, dizziness, vomiting et al? Negative to all. She suggested an ambulance to S'hampton. It was Saturday. I didn't feel like I was dying and I needed to wormk. I needed the money. My family in Thailand needed money. I stayed until Sunday evening and caught the 5.17 to Penn Station.

In bed by 11. Up at six. A brisk autumnal spring morning. Feeling none the worst, but none the better either. After completing a few chores by noon, I headed up to the Weill Cornell ER. Admission took an hour. Minutes became hours. The ER was packed with patients in greater need than me. Bloodwork and EKG. Wait for a Cat Scan. Several hours. A female doctor answered my question and said bowel obstruction maybe and left me, saying we will know more after the Cat Scan. A bowel obstruction according the AI was very serious. Fatality from the surgery 3-20% according to age. At 73 I was in the 20% risk valley. I hate succumbing to the fears after reading medical death porn. I couldn't stop reading. Hoapital stay of 3-7 Recovery time. Several weeks. If not more. A weakened body with possible infections. I had been here before. Death's door.

Four years ago.

I hadn't died. Close. Very close. Maybe I died then. But I came back as Lazarus II. I could come back again as Lazarus III. I said nothing to anyone. I called no one. I was solo. This was all me. Two hour later a Cat Scan. A long wait for the results in the ER. An old Italian man talking to his wife. Non stop for an hour. A different female doctor. Good news. Nothing wrong with me. I was free to go and go I went.

Nothing better than walking out of the ER with a clean bill of health.

Doctor Mai Pen Rai

From 2009, but as valid now as ever___

This interview with the renown Thai Doctor of health, Khun Mai Pen Rai, comes to mangozeen thanks to its London correspondent, Nick the Wanker.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
คุณ หมอครับ ผมเคยได้ยินว่าการออกกำลังแบบคาร์ดิโอ (ออกแบบเหือกๆ แบบหนักๆ ต่อเนื่องๆ เหงื่อซกๆๆๆ) สามารถทำให้ชีวิตยืนยาวขึ้นได้จริงไหมครับ

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

นี่ คุณ หัวใจน่ะ มันใช้ได้ดีสำหรับเต้นตึ๊กๆๆ ไม่กี่ครั้งเองนะ พูดง่ายๆ ก็คือ อย่าไปเสียเวลาออกกำลังเลย ทุกสิ่งทุกอย่างยิ่งใช้ๆเข้า มันก็หมดเกลี้ยงนะ ฉะนั้น การทำให้หัวใจเต้นเร็วขึ้นบ่อยๆ น่ะไม่ได้ช่วยให้อายุยืนหรอก ก็เหมือนๆ กับ ถ้าคุณจะพูดว่าขับรถเร็วๆ จะทำให้รถของคุณคงทนขึ้นอย่างนั้นน่ะเหรอ? ถ้าอยากอยู่นานๆ ก็งีบหลับซะเหอะ

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
ผมควรจะลดปริมาณการกินเนื้อ แล้วเพิ่มการกินผักผลไม้ไหมครับ?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more t han an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
ใช้วิจารณญาณเชิงตรรกะเหตุผลเอาละกันคุณ วัวมันกินอะไรล่ะ? ก็หญ้าแห้งและก็ข้าวโพด ซึ่งไอ้สองอย่างนี่มันคืออะไรล่ะ? ก็ผักไง! ฉะนั้น การกินเนื้อสเต๊กเนี่ย มันคือหนทางที่มีประสิทธิภาพในการส่งผักเข้าสู่ร่างกายเรา ถ้าต้องการธัญพืชเหรอ? ก็ กินไก่สิ! ยิ่งกว่านั้นนะคุณ เนื้อวัวน่ะยังเป็นแหล่งผักใบเขียวที่ดีด้วย (ก็วัวมันกินหญ้าเขียวๆ) และพอร์คช็อปน่ะสามารถให้คุณค่าทางอาหารจากพืช ที่เพียงพอต่อความต้องการของคุณในวันนึงเลยทีเดียว

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
ผมควรจะลดปริมาณการดืื่มเครื่องดื่มแอลกอฮอล์ลงไหมครับ
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
ไม่ ไม่จำเป็นเลย ไวน์น่ะทำมาจากผลไม้ บรั่นดีก็คือไวน์ที่กลั่นแล้ว นั่นหมายความว่าส่วนที่เป็นน้ำถูกเอาออกไปจากส่วนผลไม้ มันก็ยิ่งดีเข้าไปใหญ่เลยน่ะสิ เบียร์ก็มาจากธัญพืช........เอ้า...........หมดแก้ว!!!!


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular ex ercise program?
ประโยชน์ของการออกกำลังกายอย่างสม่ำเสมอคืออะไรครับ?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
หมอเองยังคิดไม่ออกสักข้อเลยคุณ เสียใจด้วยนะ ปรัชญาของหมอคืออะไรที่ไม่ทรมาน ก็ดีทั้งนั้นแหล่ะ!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
อาหารทอดๆ นี่มันไม่ดีสำหรับร่างกายใช่ไหมครับ?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
คุณ นี่หูแตกรึไง!! ปัจจุบันนี้อาหารทอดก็ถูกทอดในน้ำมันพืชทั้งนั้นแหล่ะ และน้ำมันพืชก็อยู่ในอาหารพวกนั้นนี่นา แล้วการกินพืชมากขึ้นมันไม่ดีตรงไหนวะ?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
การซิท-อัพช่วยป้องกันไขมันรอบหน้าท้องได้ไหมคะ๋?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
ไม่มีทาง! เวลาคุณออกกำลังกล้ามเนื้อมันก็จะใหญ่ขึ้น ถ้าคุณอยากมีพุงใหญ่ๆ ก็ซิท-อัพไปเหอะ

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
ช๊อกโกแล๊ตนี่ไม่ดีใช่ม ั๊ยคะ
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another bean!!! Beans are good for you. It's the best feel-good food around!
บ้ารึเปล่าคุณ? โว้ยยยยยยยย ก็เมล็ดโกโก้ไงเล่า!!!! แล้วธัญพืชมันก็ดีสำหรับคุณ ช๊อกโกแล๊ตน่ะมันเป็นอาหารที่เยี่ยมที่สุด!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
การว่ายน้ำดีต่อรูปร่างมั๊ยคะ?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
ก็ถ้ามันดีจริง ไหนอธิบายซิว่า ปลาวาฬหุ่นดีแค่ไหนกันเชียว

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
การมีรูปร่างดีๆ สำคัญต่อชีวิตมั๊ยคะ?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
โธ่เว้ย! แล้วทรงกลมๆ มันก็เป็น "รูปร่าง" ไม่ใช่เรอะ

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
เอาล่ะ นี่คงแก้ปัญหาความเข้าใจที่ผิดๆ เรื่องโภชนาการที่ดีได้แล้วนะ

And remember: และก็จำไว้ด้วยว่า
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
ชี วิตน่ะมันไม่ใช่การฝังจิตฝังใจเอาไว้กับการระมัดระวังเพื่อรักษารูปร่างให้ ดีๆ ไว้ แต่มันควรเป็นเหมือนการเล่นสไลเดอร์ มือข้างนึงไวน์ชาร์ดองเน่ไว้ และถือช๊อกโกแล๊ตไว้ในมืออีกข้าง ใช้ร่างกายทั้งหมดให้คุ้มๆ แหกปากกู่ก้อง เว้ยเฮ้ยยยยยย!!!! สนุกอะไรอย่างนี้!!
AND.....แล้วก็นะ....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
สำหรับ พวกที่ต้องคอยดูแล้วดูอีกว่ากินอะไรเข้าไปยังไงบ้าง อ่านด้านล่า งนี่ซะ นี่คือข้อสรุปเกี่ยวกับโภชนาการและสุขภาพ อ่านแล้วจะโล่งเอามากๆ เลยที่ได้รู้ความจริงหลังจากที่ผลวิจัยทางโภชนาการเขาถกเถียงกันมานาน

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
คนญี่ปุ่นบริโภคไขมันน้อย และก็มีภาวะหัวใจวายน้อยกว่าคนอเมริกัน

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
คนแม๊กซิกันบริโภคไขมันเยอะโคดๆ แต่ก็มีภาวะหัวใจวายน้อยกว่าคนอเมริกัน
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
คนจีนไม่ค่อยดื่มไวน์แดง และมีภาวะหัวใจวายน้อยกว่า คนอเมริกัน

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
คนอิตาเลี่ยนดื่มไวน์แดงเยอะมากๆ แต่ก็มีภาวะหัวใจวายน้อยกว่าคนอเมริกัน

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
คนเยอรมันตะบี้ตะบันดื่มเบียร์ แถมยังยัดทะนานกินไส้กรอกและก็พวกอาหารไขมัน แต่ก็มีภาวะหัวใจวายน้อยกว่าคนอเมริกัน

CONCLUSION ข้อสรุปก็คือ........

Eat and drink what you like. ชอบอะไรก็กินๆ ดื่มๆ มันเข้าไปเหอะ

Few Have Chosen

Jen Rowley is young.

She loves posing for photos.

I met her at the 169 Bar on east Broadway.

She left that dive for San Francisco.

The City by the Bay must seem more free, but I bet she doesn't have health care and neither do most Americans even though the vast majority are covered by health plans at work.

ObamaCare has changed all that.

Millions of people are losing their coverage, because their insurers do not meet the minimum requirements of the health care legislation and Americans are not bothering to join the new health care network.

So far only 140,000 have signed up to the plan.

27,000 through the website.

The GOP have declared the program a failure.

Democrats are abandoning what they perceive is a 'sinking ship'.

In truth the current national health system is broken beyond repair.

Americans pay more than any other country for less.

They don't know it, until they need health care.

Healthy people don't go to hospitals.

Except to visit sick people and they are generally glad that they aren't sick.

Obamacare is not the answer to this dilemma.

It still depends on profiteering insurers.

National Health Care is the answer.

No matter what the fascist say and I'm sure that Jen Rowley also knows this.

She is a young woman.

In the prime of health, but aren't we all?

Beer As the Cure

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM Feet cold and wet
CAUSE Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

SYMPTOM Feet warm and wet
CAUSE Improper Bladder Contro
CORRECTIVE ACTION Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

SYMPTOM Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE a. Glass empty b. You're holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
CAUSE You have fallen over backward
CORRECTIVE ACTION Have yourself lashed to bar

SYMPTOM Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
CAUSE You have fallen forward
CORRECTIVE ACTION See above

SYMPTOM Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
CAUSE a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
CORRECTIVE ACTION Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

SYMPTOM Floor Blurred
CAUSE You are looking through bottom of empty glass
CORRECTIVE ACTION Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM Floor moving
CAUSE You are being carried out
CORRECTIVE ACTION Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM Room seems unusually dark
CAUSE Bar has closed
CORRECTIVE ACTION Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

SYMPTOM Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
CAUSE Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
CORRECTIVE ACTION Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

SYMPTOM Everyone looks up to you and smiles
CAUSE You are dancing on the table
CORRECTIVE ACTION Fall on someone cushy-looking

SYMPTOM Beer is crystal-clear
CAUSE It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
CORRECTIVE ACTION Punch him

SYMPTOM People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
CAUSE You're in the ladies room
CORRECTIVE ACTION Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

SYMPTOM Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
CAUSE You have been in a fight
CORRECTIVE ACTION Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

SYMPTOM Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
CAUSE You've wandered into the wrong party
CORRECTIVE ACTION See if they have free beer

SYMPTOM Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
CAUSE a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy
CORRECTIVE ACTION Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

SYMPTOM Your singing sounds distorted
CAUSE The beer is too weak
CORRECTIVE ACTION Have more beer until your voice improves

SYMPTOM Don't remember the words to the song
CAUSE Beer is just right
CORRECTIVE ACTION Play air guitar

Bacon And Eggs At The Academy

This Sunday morning I'd bacon eggs for breakfast at the Academy Diner iN Fort Greene. It was good. I don't see either bacon or eggs on this chart Maybe it's in the small print.

Oktoberfest 2012

Why did Doctor Nick instruct me to give up beer on the cusp of Oktoberfest?

It's a cruel world.

<

The Diet Of Fools

My mother thought that you weren't really sick unless there was blood. Aches, fevers, and high temperatures were normal occurrences for children and I didn't miss a day of school from 1959 to 1966, despite twice suffering from extreme cases of poison ivy. If she was in charge of Health Care in America, the budget for medical treatment would drop to zero. Last year my younger brother ignored a nagging chest pain. His wife asked him to go to the hospital. "There's nothing wrong with me." My brother was his mother's son. Several weeks later he and his family came to New York. His wife's cousin was marrying a Brahmin Hindu from Bombay. I took care of his two teenage kids while they were attending a fancy function. Later that evening he stormed into the hotel room with a large McDonald's bag in his hand.

"Damn, the food at the rehearsal dinner was uneatable. Veggies and more veggies. I'm not a cow. You think that they were trying to kill me with veggies." He pulled a double cheeseburger Happy Meal out of the bag. "Dad, you really should be careful about what you eat." His son warned in a quiet voice. "No one is going to live forever." He chomped into the burger. His kids grimaced at his resolve. They wanted him to live into their future and his diet of meat meat meat was a ticket to an early grave in their young eyes. Upon his return to Boston the chest pain worsened and he relented to his wife's pleas Being covered by a union plan he visited a hospital in Cambridge.

My dearly departed mother must have been rolling her eyes in heaven, until the doctors announced that Paddy was in immediate need of a by-pass operation.

"When?" Paddy had tickets to the Bruins-Canadians game that evening.

"Tomorrow morning?" The doctor was dead serious.

"I'll see you in the morning then." My younger brother had paid scalper's price for the seats.

"Yes, you will, but you're not going anywhere." The doctor explained to my brother that this was a life or death issue. His wife further begged him to stay overnight in the hospital. Paddy had one condition.

"I want a bacon-cheeseburger." It was a last meal request. His diet consisted of meat, fried foods, and more meat. "I want a cheeseburger. I want it now." He was acting like a little child and the nurses treated him as such. No cheeseburger and the next day Paddy went under the knife for eight hours for a quadruple bypass. Only a quintuple bypass is more extreme. The doctors discovered that his coronary system and arteries were in horrible condition. The hospital kept him in the ICU for several days and then released him to his wife.

"What about my cheeseburger?" He whined on the way home. His kids yelled at him and his wife threatened to make him walk home. He was in no shape to fight them and whimpered, "No more cheeseburgers. What kind of life will I have? Damned veggies."

His loving wife has said that Paddy has been suffering meat withdrawal. Vegetables are pushed around the plate without reaching his mouth. He has basically gone on a hunger strike and his resistance to good nutrition is endemic to most Americans, for the # 1 cause of illness in the USA is the food. People eat like pigs. Their diets of soda and fast food are taxing the health care system to the breaking point, but no one is willing to look in the mirror and see themselves as the major reason for their ill health.

Personally I eat well; vegetables, fruits, fish, olive oil, and natural foods. Steak once a month. Still I also have stopped looking in the mirror. I too am overweight and I prefer my shadow against the wall, for my weakness is drinking. Too much for my own good.

My younger brother’s brush with death taught me a lesson.

No more Pina Coladas.

Beer is the drug of choice. You are what you drink as much as you are what you eat.

And I'm willing to pay the price for that delight.

Happy Beermas.

Health Advice For Beer Worshippers

Over the last ten years the Bangkok-Pattaya Hospital on Sukhumvit has expanded east, west, north, and south as well as up into the sky to handle the expanding community of western and Thai retirees making up a greater segment of the resort's population. One extension had been named the Gra-dai teung sawan or Stairway to Heaven Wing and last year I spoke with several Thai doctors about the influx of sick farangs.

Most believed that the new wing could only help the health of the Pattaya residents, although one doctor bucked the entire trend of health addicts and wrote up the following advice to the bar stool sitters of Pattaya.

HEALTH QUESTION AND ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's
the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

The doctor ended this session with the following advice.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a
Ride"