Mission Underwear Control

Four summers ago I was living in Palm Beach. The off-season population of that wealthy enclave shrank 10% of its winter height. Few of the fabulously rich resided in their mansions and they appeared once a day to shop at the Publix supermarket.

The only poor were the dutiful off-island workers tending to the vacant estates.

Actually I was the poorest person on the island. My income was $350/week. $300 of which went to my family in Thailand. Living on $50 a week was nearly impossible and my revenge on the idle rich was to abstain from bathing in sweet water.

My daily ablution was in the ocean. A sabbatical from shaving enhanced my scruffy appearance as well as my torn jeans and shredded shirts. The rich would wrinkled their noses in the supermarket aisles. I smiled politely, as I picked out my weekly jug of wine.

$5.99 for 2-liters.

Funny, but I didn't smell dirty to me and neither did a Japanese scientist orbiting in the International Space Station who wore the same experimental underwear for a month. His fellow astronauts were ignorant of this test and he said, "The station crew members never complained, so I think the experiment went fine."

The underwear were supposedly antistatic and flame retardant, which must have been helpful against dingleberries and wet farts. Still the racing stripe must have been impressive.

He had to have smelled worst than me.

But maybe in Space farts don't smell bad.

I doubt it, then again I never smell dirty in Palm Beach.

Rocketman Redux

Over the centuries the Greek myth of Icarus has appealed to earth-bound children with the desire to fly.

As a kid my friends and I would steal large sheets of plastic from the nearby suburban construction sites. We would then climb to a wind-blown hilltop and spread the plastic sheets to capture the wind like a parachute. The lightest of us achieved lift-off. Landing were always rough for youthful thrill seekers and even worse for sky-drawn adults as a Brazilian priest fatally discovered after setting off to heaven in a lawn chair attached to 1000 helium colorful party balloons in an attempt to raise money for religious truck drivers.

"Excuse me while I touch the sky."

His body was found in the Atlantic.

Several years ago this dream of flight was shared by another sky-worshipper in Wisconsin, who developed a jetpack for the upwardly-mobile.

"There is nothing that even comes close to the dream that the jet pack allows you to achieve." The 48 year-old designer from New Zealand planned to market his contraption at $100,000 each.

At that price the skies will remain relatively uncongested, however one has to remember that in 1904 there were only two cars in all of Iowa and they had a collision, so aspiring jetpack aviators will have to make way for birds on their 30-minute flights at 110 dB thanks to its twin rotors and its 200-horsepower.

Zoom.

The inventor's wife called the noisy 250-pound engine 'a beast' and the designer has yet to quit his day job, but the jetpack does have a parachute in case of emergency.

So far only 12 people have gone up and come down.

None have had to press the panic button.

The inventor had a vision for his device. One he can't explain, but according to him when Ben Franklin first saw a hot-air balloon, someone asked, "What good is it?"

Ben Franklin too a second and answered, "What good is a newborn baby?"

In other words he didn't know, but as a new father I can tell you the real answer is happiness.

HELP ET HELP

World leaders are increasingly concerned about the collapse of the global economy. No one has an answer to the global dilemma, mostly because the problems multiply every day. I personally have been looking to the sky for our redemption. Not in the form of angels blowing clarion horns, but UFOs piloted by ETs looking to pay retail for everything we have on Earth.

This is a wild dream, since our planet is located on the fringe of the galaxy far from the flow of interstellar traffic, however the universe is changing shape all the time and we can only hope that one day a fleet of entertainment-hungry aliens notice the third rock from the Sun.

Last month this hope was crushed by the sighting of a UFO flaming through the stratosphere over Russia.

Government officials claimed the phenomena was caused by a meteorite.

I know better.

It was a friendly mission from the farthest reaches of the stars. They wanted to buy SUVs at the going rate. McMansions too. Instead their spacecraft struck low-orbit debris and we watched its fall from grace with awe.

Oh, poor ET come to our home.

The Danger of Asteroids

Several years ago a NASA spacecraft passed the planet Mercury. A transmitted photo clearly revealed the effect of meteor strikes on the surface. Their impacts of Earth were not so apparent from the Space Shuttle, unless you know where to look like in the Yucatan or polar areas, but most astronomers are more concerned with incoming asteroids or comets as a threat to life on Earth greater than Man.

"Civilization killers" of 1 kilometer, or about 3,300 feet are veering closer and closer to Earth due to the planet's increased magnetic pull. Some have missed our planet by 29.8 million miles or a third the distance to the Sun. Smaller objects can crash into onEarth with various degrees of destruction from not being able to watch TV to the flattening of Kansas and something as small as a semi-trailer could achieve that effect.

NASA has reckoned such events occur once every 300 years, but the odds favor an ocean landing, since Earth is 2/3 water.

One way to defuse this problem would be for Americans to lose weight, since the Earth's gravity pull is directly effected by the mass of the planet. NASA has been warned about the dangers of obesity, now is the time to act before it's too late.

Not only is losing weight for the planet, it's good for you.

I'm cutting down on beer.

Every little bit helps.

Stars And Stars Above

To celebrate its 23rd anniversary, Space Hubble Telescope released a new spectacular image of the Horsehead Nebula, the dark nebula located in the Orion constellation. The large cloud of hydrogen laced with dust is approximately 1500 light years from Earth and its 'height' is about 5 light-years. The molecular cloud, known as a stellar nursery, contains over 100 known organic and inorganic gases as well of dust consisting of large and complex organic molecules.

'This nebula is a very well-known object and a popular target for observations, most of which show the Horsehead as a dark cloud silhouetted against a background of glowing gas. This new image shows the same region in infrared light, which has longer wavelengths than visible light and can pierce through the dusty material that usually obscures the nebula’s inner regions. The result is a rather ethereal and fragile-looking structure, made of delicate folds of gas — very different to the nebula’s appearance in visible light.'

Dancing Fool

Late Wednesday night at the Mark Kamins Celebration of a Life Michael Holman introduced Lady Kir from Dee-Lite and remained on stage for the first song to dance his feet off. The artist, writer, avant-garde musician, hip hop impresario and filmmaker showed that old dogs are forever young. I was stunned by his mixture of Marvin Gaye cool and Hip-Hop breaks. His stamina allowed him to finish the entire song without losing steam. He came off stage a little breathless and said, "Damn, how long that song last?" "About four minutes." "Show me to the bar, man, show me to the bar. Drinks on me." Mt dancing skills might have been left behind in the last century, but my sense of direction is undiminished by the years. Especially when someone else was buying. Bravo Michael. ps I have a short video of the dancing fool, but I promised Michael to keep it off the internet and I la a man of my word.

Mark Kamins Lives

Wednesday night Santos Party House hosted a celebration of DJ Mark Kamins' life. Hundreds of friends, family, and admirers gathered to enjoy an evening of music, dance, drink, and fun. Coati Mundi, Konk, and Lady Kir of Dee Lite entertained the crowd from the nightclubs of the 80s, while countless DJ spun tunes for the revelers. Stories were retold, old friendship re-united, and memories of Mark were shared by the party-goers. He was there in spirit and remains with us for the Here-to-come. Kudos to Walter Durkarcz for pulling off the memorial extravaganza.