Saturday, August 4, 2018

george carlin, new rules, messiah

George Carlin is not dead.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

Thursday, August 2, 2018

The Sweet Smell of Durian


Many Asian foods are alien to westerners. Insects, horseshoe crab eggs, and sum tam or spicy mango salad easily come to mind as foreign to the tongues of farangs, however the most unacceptable Oriental delicacy remains the ever-malodorous durian.

The stench of this squishy fruit is so disagreeable to non-aficionados that durian joined hand grenades and land mines on the list of dangerous objects you’re not supposed to bring into a hotel room.

Not anymore, because in 2010 a Thai botanist Dr. Songpol Somsri created a durian without the pungent odor, which he named Chantaburi No. 1.

“No smell, good taste.”Personally I like the smell and taste of durian. At least in Thailand, where it is eaten in a soft state

In Malaysia the natives prefer the durian in a near-putrid ooze. I had some on Penang which had the consistency of a fetid cheese left in the tropical sun ie runny.

Jungle animals can smell this fruit almost a half-mile away and the travel and food writer Richard Sterling said of durian, “ … its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock.”

This raja of fruits is reputed to possess aphrodisiacal properties.

The Malays and Thais say, “When the durians fall, the sarongs fly up.”

Partially since if one of the spiky behemoths dropped on your head, you’d be KOed for a week. Most plantations these days have nets under the trees to prevent damage to the durian.

Not that anyone cares about the unsuspecting pedestrian.

I tried the amorous technique of smearing durian pulp on my body as a cologne. Not a single woman or girl or man or dog came near me, although the mozzies zeroed on my flesh.

Another danger is the fruit’s rich combination of carbohydrates, protein, fat and sulfurous compounds, which can be deadly for anyone with high blood pressure.

My wife didn’t eat durian for a year after my daughter’s birth, because Thais think that durian breath can kill a baby, but this new breed may erase that threat for newborns. Workers say the new durian only smells a little and the taste is the same.

In 1856 the British naturalist Alfred Russel Wallace wrote a much-quoted description of the flavor of the durian, “A rich custard highly flavoured with almonds gives the best general idea of it, but there are occasional wafts of flavour that call to mind cream-cheese, onion-sauce, sherry-wine, and other incongruous dishes. Then there is a rich glutinous smoothness in the pulp which nothing else possesses, but which adds to its delicacy.”

Not many westerners would concur with his olfactory assessment, due to the durian’s sulfurous stench, although no scientific study could prove why the durian smelled like Gandhi’s underwear.

So no smell durian are sort of like roses these days.

Beautiful flower. No bouquet.

A rose is not a rose if a rose doesn’t smell to the nose.

Could the durian lose its appeal if it doesn’t smell?

Half the Hermit Kingdom


World Peace seems an unattainable goal, although North Korea's leader ordered the remains of American soldiers to be returned to the USA. Donald trump thanked Kim Jong Un and said he was looking forward to meeting him again.

According to some sources Kim Jong Un has yet to stop North Korea's nuclear program.

Obviously the little man wants to see how far he can push the West.

Four atomic bombs in his pocket.

"Everyone can kiss my midget ass."

He is after all a man of the world.

A very funny man.

NORTH KOREAN JOKES

Q: How many North Koreans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The Supreme Leader says we are okay to be in the dark.

At the museum, there is a painting in which Adam and Eve are holding an apple.

A Briton says, “They are Britons. The gentleman is sharing a delicious apple with a lady.”

A Frenchman says, “They must be French. They are walking around in the nude.”

A North Korean says, “They are North Korean. They have no clothes and little food but think of themselves as living in paradise.”

#2

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a North Korean are having a conversation.

The Briton: “I feel happiest when relaxing before the fireplace on a winter night.”

Frenchman: “You guys are too old fashioned. I feel happiest when I go on vacation with a beautiful blonde and then bReak up with her up on my way home.”

North Korean: “One night, somebody knocked my door. When I opened the door, he said ‘Kang Sung Mi, You are under arrest!’ I felt happiest because Kang was actually my neighbor.”

Two Places at Once


I have two wives in Thailand. Two kids too. One with each woman. This situation was manageable over the last years, since I was in New York and they were in Thailand. My predicament became more convoluted whenever I flew to Bangkok. I would have to be two places at once and these two places in Thailand were 300 kilometers apart. The first week was easy. I told wife #1 that I was in New York. For week #2 I left wife #2 to see wife #1. Not the most ideal solution, but one wife #2 accepted for the short run. I thought to myself this commuting between wives might work like it had when I was living in Thailand.

Wishful thinking, for wife #2 objected to my second trip up north with the vehemence of a burning viper.

"Why I waste time wait for you? You go see another woman."

"I don't sleep with her." Wife #1 and I haven't experienced conjugal relationship for over five years. No one believes me. Not my friends and certainly not my mia noi.

"You not sleep with her. Why you stay with her?" Nothing like anger to make a beautiful woman get old.

"Because I don't want to hurt her."

"You hurt me." This assault continued throughout two days without stop and I looked back on my 2008 stay in Palm Beach with fondness, but not because I was staying in a mansion or driving a Benz. The house was empty of food, the car was a gas guzzler, and my finances were shot. Instead this was a period of peace and calm. No one yelling in my ear.

"I meet you I young. Now you make me old." Wife #2 was acting shrewish with good reason. She had been the Belle of Soi 6. Men threw money at the feet of her bed. I asked her to be patient, as I was packing my bag. "Everything will work out."

"Everything work out? How? My young years go fast. Where they go?"

"I wish I could tell you." In truth I forgot where my youth went, I'm more concerned where my middle-agedom has disappeared in these times. Still I refuse to think of myself as old. That is something I'll never call myself. I leave that term up to wife #2. She knows how it cuts the skin. At 25 she is right. Young is going fast, but that isn't a problem for me. I still think of her as young and always will. What else can a man my age do?

Find someone younger?

Too tired for that task.

I walked out the door and said I'll be back.

"Maybe I not here."

"Maybe not, but I doubt it." It was low season and low season in 2009.

No one was going anywhere this year, except me to visit wife #1 and my daughter.

Ban Nok here I come.

Cave Anatis


In 2008 I spent the summer on Palm Beach. It was very off-season. Rainy, hot, and no one on the beaches. The mansion off Ocean Avenue was a big change from my previous place of residence, Pattaya, Thailand. I also living alone instead of dividing my time between two women; girlfriend #1 and our daughter and my pregnant mia noi. My only companion was a crackhouse Airedale, Pom Pom. I phoned Thailand everyday and sent money to both women once a week. It was not enough. You don't get paid much to take care of a crazy dog, even if it was on the most wanted list of Palm Beach county for mauling poodles.

My friend Lisa had arranged this job.

She was a single mom. This status didn't win any sympathy for my situation and every day she criticized my lack of decision.

"You'll have to make a choice one day."

"But not today." Thailand was 9000 miles away. I barely had enough money for a cheap 1.5 liter of wine let alone a round trip ticket to Bangkok. This rationale was unacceptable to her code of ethics. I did my best to not tell her 'hoop bargh' or shut up in Thai, but she was relentless.

One afternoon we rode over to the Thailand grocery on Dixie Highway to pick up Thai food. Lisa mentioned to the owner that I had lived in Thailand. The woman asked where and I told her Chainat and Jomtien.

"Why two places?"

"Because he has two wives," Lisa answered the question for me.

"You are very Thai. Who you love #1? Mia noi?"

"Yes." My admission was easy since my wife had done many bad things over our 6 years together. I was no saint, but her list had sins forgivable without being forgettable.

"Should he tell #1 about #2?" Lisa thought now she had an ally.

"Tell for what? For hurt two people. No way. Better to say nothing." The woman was in her 50s. She had lived in America over 30 years. Her family was from Ban Nok same as both my wives. She understood country ways. "If he tell wife #1 she angry and maybe cut off his penis."

"Cut off his penis?" Lisa crunched up her face like she hadn't heard right.

"Yes, Thai lady not want man have sex with other lady. She cut off penis and feed to ducks. Better you say nothing." She looked at me earnestly as if to say never tell the truth until you have to. "Not telling truth not same telling lie. No one get hurt. Not him. too."

It was sound advice from 9000 miles away, but in 2009 I was in Thailand having to be two places at once. I spent the final week with my mia noi. She doesn't like this status for herself and our son Fenway. One night I showed her pictures of Fenway Park on the internet. She said it was suay and understood why I named out son after the Fed Sox baseball park.I don't think it was the truth, but it sounded good.

The next afternoon I left Jomtien for Chai-nat. A four-hour bus ride. More beset by trepidation than fear. My girlfriend said she wanted me to tell the truth. I want to do the same, but sometimes the truth was best said when no one is listening. Especially when my penis was on the menu for ducks.

Cave canard which is a mix of Latin and French for 'beware of the duck'.

Ecological Footprint

Donald Trump blathered on how much a threat North Korea is to the world. Their danger to world peace is graphically revealed by a satellite photo of the hermit nation.

South Korea had bright cities.

North Korea? My Christmas tree had more lights. 

So basically the most dangerous country on the globe is ecologically sound.

What about my ecological footprint? I live in brooklyn, recycle, eat fresh food, exercise, pick up plastic at the beach, bike, and drink beer. Air-conditioning can't be too green, then again I sleep with a fan.

There was only one way to find out.

The Happy Planet Index.

This website tests your compatibility of your environment through a series of questions about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Multiple choice.

Completely anonymous.

First question is about your place of residence.

USA with 3% of the world population consuming 25% of the energy is a solid 18.

Yesterday I scored 82 which is close to the ideal HPI. Today's 64 is on par with #37 Columbia. Cocaine makes happy faces. Civil War who cares?

 My life expectancy is 80.

My ecological footprint is level with #162 Botswana

Guess I'm a tree hugger or consumer deprived.  

Everything else was above average.

So I guess life isn't so bad for the moment. Let's hope I keep it that way.

HAPPY PLANET INDEX Test

http://happyplanetplatform.nl/en/hpisurvey/

One more thing North Korea isn't listed in the Happy Planet Index.

Wendell Berry Quote On Food

I once brought a head of broccoli to the counter of a supermarket outside of Poughkeepsie.

The young cashier regarded the stalk with an alien's disgust for earth.

"What is it?"

"Broccoli." It's one of the few words that is the same around the world.

"I've never seen it before." She was probably 17.

"Have you been working here long?" I thought maybe she was a trainee.

"A year." The teenager smirked like I couldn't tell she was not a rookie.

"Oh." I realized in that time no shopper had ever bought broccoli in that supermarket and put the stalk down thinking it might have been there for years.

America, you are what you don't eat.