Mia Noi DNA Test

Thailand is a surprisingly puritan country.

The nation's Buddhist tenets demand propriety on all levels of life.

Most people succeed in keeping the straight and narrow, however many men lose interest in their first wives and take up with mia nois or small wives.

When my wife left to go up country, ostensively to care for an ailing brother-in-law (He actually had a serious motorcycle accident while going to help his brother with a sick buffalo), I was left alone in Pattaya, the last Babylon. A month passed without her return. Then two and three. My friends, Thai and farang, said she had left me for another man.

I drove up there unannounced to see for myself.

No man in sight and I checked the house for any signs of another man.

There were none, but my wife wasn't coming back to Pattaya.

She hated the town.

The go-gos, the crime, and the dust.

Ban Nok was her home and she said, "You can live here."

"And do what?"

My business of selling counterfeit Ferrari shirts only worked in Pattaya and I bid my daughter's mother good-bye and returned to the tawdry beach town of the Gulf of Siam.

Within a week I met Mint. She was 22. Skinny and willing to have a boyfriend full-time. I was old enough to be her father and wise enough to realize that everything she was telling me was a lie. I never asked questions and my wife stayed up country.

Everyone was happy until Mint got pregnant.

"It's yours."

"Mine."

"Yours."

Nine months later we had a child. Fenway looks like me with two arms and two legs and I was willing to support him as my son, but Mint said I want you do DNA test.

"Why?" I didn't care about his genes.

"Because everyone always asking me why he not look like farang. I know he yours. Only you. I have sex only with you." She was crying and explained that her family thought she had betrayed me. "Not true."

I told her that we would do a DNA test, if it would make her feel better.

"I not like to be mia noi, but worst not like someone think your son no good."

I don't like that either, but I have to admit I never heard any Thai girl using this tact to regain your trust.

Cleverer than us by half.

ps I never took that DNA test and Fenway is mine.

100% always.