Guilty Single Male On the Planet 2017

This photo of Al Franken mock-groping Leeann Tweeden on a C-4 to Iraq has convicted the Minnesota senator of sexual harassment. A New Yor Tims opinion writer demanded his resignation. Do I think his behavior was off the mark?

100% yes, but I have to reflect on my past.

Nov 18, 2017

Khang Noi, small elephant, and I had been friend for over ten years in Pattaya.

I remembered her being thin.

Noi had a good appetite.

Like most Thais.

And recently I had to ask myself if I had sexual harassed her.

She was still working Soi 6.

I asked her Paypal account.

She was still a working girl.

"Is it busy?"

"Yeah, แน่น."

You mean naaen? No. Not have farang." She ran down the litany of ills of the times.

Basically the rich have money and we are all slaves.

"I have a question."

"Farang have many questions. Not like answers."

"Most men don't, but did I ever guean jai khun."

"You?"

"Yes."

"What Thai people like most?"

It was an easy answer.

"Sanuk."

"And the love of a elephant."

"Not tonight."

Not gra san."

Lust.

"I love you as a friend."

"Phom lak khun samur."

Forever.

I thanked Noi.

I know nothing purer than the clean waters of Samui in 1990.

The purity of life and women are life.

Albeit we are the seed.

ps Elephants are not monogamous, but given the change Noi would be.

But Al Franken is still a shit.

But better him than 45.

CIRCUS LIFE by Peter Nolan Smith

Whenever a married couple or single mother and kid visited me in Pattaya, I took them on a tour of the various tourist points of interest; the Khao Keo outdoor zoo, the Temple of Truth, the biggest wooden structure in the world, and Nong Nooch Gardens. while steering well clear of my usual haunts i.e. the Buffalo Bar, the Welkom Inn, and Heaven Above a Go-Go.

None of these family fare attractions were far away from my house on Moo 9 and they hide your true reason to partake life in the Last Babylon.

Sin sin sin.

I showed my friends flowers, temples, and elephants.

Back in the early part of the 21st Century my young nephew, Fast Eddie, and I went to see the Nong Nooch elephant show. We bought 50 baht of bananas from a vendor before the pachyderms entered the arena, The two of us sat in the front row under the shade. The music announced the first elephant. A giant tusker chained at his back feet. The beast took one look at our bananas and charged the stands. The minders had no chance of controlling him. I chucked the bananas at him and grabbed my godson?s hand before we were trampled by the rampaging behemoth. The crowd both Thai and farang laughed at our timidity, but even a 400-pound gorilla. The ape will get out of the seat to let the elephant sit down if it knows what is good for the ape.

Angie's mom was angry at me.

"Khang kill you. Who take care Angie?" We weren't on the best of terms, but I was staying with her for my daughter.

Angie started crying. She was scared stiff of elephants. Especially the ones from the tourist safaris who would strip our mango tree of fruit. Even the mahouts couldn't stop them from sating their appetite.

When I mentioned this story at my local, my French friend Bruno said, "You are lucky. Two years ago an English woman tried to hide the bananas and was stomped by the elephant. She was killed and the elephant fled the scene to Isaan."

"That's nothing." An old-timer said putting down a glass of Mekong whiskey. "Back in the last century a circus dwarf was swallowed by a hippopotamus in a freak accident. He was a trapeze artist and dismounted onto the trampoline. The angle was bad and his disappeared into the mouth of a hippo. Hippos will eat anything and the beast swallowed the dwarf. Fucking audience applauded thinking it was part of the act. The handlers were unable to free the dwarf, but said the hippo was a vegetarian."

No one laughed at the punchline, but Bruno muttered under his breath. "I heard that story before only the dwarf landed headfirst in the hippo's asshole."

"No." This joke was starting to sound like an urban legend.

"Quais, and the dwarf survived, but quit because the circus owner wanted him to repeat the act every night."

Which goes to show there?s no business like show business.

Especially in the circus.

Elephant versus humans - World Cup Soccer 2006

In 2006 the Thai authorities have carted out the tired image of elephants playing football against humans in order to make some irrelevant point against gambling on the World Cup.

This game was organized in Ayuthayya by some craven eggheads from a nearby institute of higher learning how to be like everyone else in the world. The proctor said, "We want to show the world that you can have fun without gambling."

Hasn't anyone told him that people don't gamble for fun.

The human players weren't having fun, since the elephants took the game seriously and nearly trampled several players. No fouls were called on the leviathans, because the referees were scared of the khang noi's long memory.

The game ended in a draw and the crowd for the event numbered 23 people.

Across the street over a hundred people sat before a radio listening to the play by play of Iran versus some other country no one had ever heard of. They were enthralled and wagering 10 baht each. The police and had the elephants threaten them with their trunks. Not one football enthusiast bothered to turn their head.

OLD 60s JOKE

What's stuck between the toes of elephants?

Slow-running natives.

CIRCUS LIFE by Peter Nolan Smith

Whenever a married couple or single mother and kid visited me in Pattaya, I took them on a tour of the various tourist points of interest; the Khao Keo outdoor zoo, the Temple of Truth, the biggest wooden structure in the world, and Nong Nooch Gardens. while steering well clear of my usual haunts i.e. the Buffalo Bar, the Welkom Inn, and Heaven Above a Go-Go.

None of these family fare attractions were far away from my house on Moo 9 and they hide your true reason to partake life in the Last Babylon.

Sin sin sin.

I showed my friends flowers, temples, and elephants.

Back in the early part of the 21st Century my young nephew, Fast Eddie, and I went to see the Nong Nooch elephant show. We bought 50 baht of bananas from a vendor before the pachyderms entered the arena, The two of us sat in the front row under the shade. The music announced the first elephant. A giant tusker chained at his back feet. The beast took one look at our bananas and charged the stands. The minders had no chance of controlling him. I chucked the bananas at him and grabbed my godson’s hand before we were trampled by the rampaging behemoth. The crowd both Thai and farang laughed at our timidity, but even a 400-pound gorilla. The ape will get out of the seat to let the elephant sit down if it knows what is good for the ape.

Angie's mom was angry at me.

"Khang kill you. Who take care Angie?" We weren't on the best of terms, but I was staying with her for my daughter.

Angie started crying. She was scared stiff of elephants. Especially the ones from the tourist safaris who would strip our mango tree of fruit. Even the mahouts couldn't stop them from sating their appetite.

When I mentioned this story at my local, my French friend Bruno said, “You are lucky. Two years ago an English woman tried to hide the bananas and was stomped by the elephant. She was killed and the elephant fled the scene to Isaan.”

“That’s nothing.” An old-timer said putting down a glass of Mekong whiskey. “Back in the last century a circus dwarf was swallowed by a hippopotamus in a freak accident. He was a trapeze artist and dismounted onto the trampoline. The angle was bad and his disappeared into the mouth of a hippo. Hippos will eat anything and the beast swallowed the dwarf. Fucking audience applauded thinking it was part of the act. The handlers were unable to free the dwarf, but said the hippo was a vegetarian.”

No one laughed at the punchline, but Bruno muttered under his breath. “I heard that story before only the dwarf landed headfirst in the hippo’s asshole.’

“No.” This was starting to sound like an urban legend.

“Quais, and the dwarf survived, but quit because the circus owner wanted him to repeat the act every night.”

Which goes to show there’s no business like show business.

Especially in the circus.

FERTILE ELEPHANTS

Elephants have long memories.

Mostly because they have long lives.

I have met 100 year-old elephants in Thailand.

Not in Africa since poachers killed the pachyderms for their tusks. You would have thought somewhere along the line these ivory hunters would have invested in an elephant dentist, although I doubt elephants are very tractable for tusk extractions.

Thai elephants are different from Africans.

They are trained to perform certain tasks and are considered good luck.

Even as a fertility blessing.

Any woman passing five times under an elephant's belly is destined to give birth within the year, that is if she survives the ritual, because while elephants do have long memories, they aren't the most patient of animals, but it's definitely cheaper than a visit to a fertility clinic.

GUNS AND ELEPHANTS

Back in the early 00s my godson Fast Eddie Silver came out to Thailand with his mother. I was looking forward to seeing the 12 year-old. His late father was one of my best friends.

I took them to Koh Samet and Bangkok, but my best photo of Eddie was taken at the Elephant Camp south of Jomtien. We rode the pachyderms through the coconut trees and fed them bananas before entering the gun range to shoot at paper targets. My choice was a 44 Magnum. Eddie liked the Glock.

We shot two clips each.

"You're crazy."

His mother disapproved of guns, but she was particularly angered by the location of the shooting range next to the elephants' kraal.

"Guns and elephants. What do you think the elephants think about hearing those shots?"

"They seem okay with it."

I looked out the door. The Thai mahouts were lounging peacefully atop their changs. The elephants showed no sign of alarm, as other tourists banged away at the targets. Most of them missed the bull's eyes by feet. Eddie hit the target every shot.

"Right."

Sara was pissed at us.

"It's not like these guns can hurt them."

.50 caliber bullets from a elephant gun might spook them, but the giant creatures were basically impervious to the under-powered bullets of the shooting range.

"What if one of the elephants was shooting at you?"

"I don't think they could hold this pistol."

Eddie lowered his rented weapon onto the table after cocking the chamber to check if the pistol was empty.

"Probably have to built them a cannon gun."

"And they pull the trigger with their trunk."

Elephants chasing you with a cannon was a scary thought.

I put down my gun too.

Sara had a good point.

Riling an elephant was a bad idea.

Almost as bad as pissing of a woman, but I would risk my chances with an amok elephant than a mad woman any day of the week.

And most nights too.

CIRCUS LIFE by Peter Nolan Smith

Whenever a married couple or single mother and kid visited me in Pattaya, I took them on a tour of the various tourist points of interest; the Khao Keo outdoor zoo, the Temple of Truth, the biggest wooden structure in the world, and Nong Nooch Gardens. while steering well clear of my usual haunts i.e. the Buffalo Bar, the Welkom Inn, and Heaven Above a Go-Go.

None of these family fare attractions were far away from my house on Moo 9 and they don’t give these innocent visitors a clue as to why you really came here, which was to partake life in the Last Babylon.

Sin sin sin.

I showed them flowers, temples, and elephants.

Back in the early part of the 21st Century my young nephew, Fast Eddie, and I went to see the Nong Nooch elephant show. We bought 50 baht of bananas from a vendor before the pachyderms entered the arena, The two of us sat in the front row under the shade. The music announced the first elephant. A giant tusker chained at his back feet. The beast took one look at our bananas and charged the stands. The minders had no chance of controlling him. I chucked the bananas at him and grabbed my godson’s hand before we were trampled by the rampaging behemoth. The crowd both Thai and farang laughed at our timidity, but even a 400-pound gorilla. The ape will get out of the seat to let the elephant sit down if it knows what is good for the ape.

Angie's mom was angry at me.

"Khang kill you. Who take care Angie?" We weren't on the best of terms, but I was staying with her for my daughter.

Angie started crying. She was scared stiff of elephants. Especially the ones from the tourist safaris who would strip our mango tree of fruit. Even the mahouts couldn't stop them from sating their appetite.

When I mentioned this story at my local, my French friend Bruno said, “You are lucky. Two years ago an English woman tried to hide the bananas and was stomped by the elephant. She was killed and the elephant fled the scene to Isaan.”

“That’s nothing.” An old-timer said putting down a glass of Mekong whiskey. “Back in the last century a circus dwarf was swallowed by a hippopotamus in a freak accident. He was a trapeze artist and dismounted onto the trampoline. The angle was bad and his disappeared into the mouth of a hippo. Hippos will eat anything and the beast swallowed the dwarf. Fucking audience applauded thinking it was part of the act. The handlers were unable to free the dwarf, but said the hippo was a vegetarian.”

No one laughed at the punchline, but Bruno muttered under his breath. “I heard that story before only the dwarf landed headfirst in the hippo’s asshole.’

“No.” This was starting to sound like an urban legend.

“Quais, and the dwarf survived, but quit because the circus owner wanted him to repeat the act every night.”

Which goes to show there’s no business like show business.

Guns and Elephants

My godson Fast Eddie Silver came out to Thailand with his mother. I was looking forward to seeing the 12 year-old. His late father was one of my best friends.

I took them to Koh Samet and Bangkok, but my best photo of Eddie was taken at the Elephant Camp south of Jomtien. We rode the pachyderms through the coconut trees and fed them bananas before entering the gun range to shoot at paper targets. My choice was a 44 Magnum. Eddie liked the Glock. We shot two clips each.

"You're crazy." His mother disapproved of guns, but was angered by the location of the shooting range, which was next to the elephants' kraal. "Guns and elephants. What do you think the elephants think about hearing those shots?"

"They seem okay with it." I looked out the door. The Thai mahouts were lounging peacefully atop their changs. The elephants showed no sign of alarm, as other tourists banged away at the targets. Most of them missed the bull's eyes by feet. Eddie actually hit the target every shot.

"Right." Sara was pissed at us.

"It's not like these guns can hurt them." .50 caliber bullets from a elephant gun might spook them, but the giant creatures were basically impervious to the under-powered bullets of the shooting range.

"What if one of the elephants was shooting at you?"

"I don't think they could hold this pistol." Eddie put his rented weapon on the table after cocking the chamber to see if it was empty.

"Probably have to built them a cannon gun."

"And they pull the trigger with their trunk."

Elephants chasing you with a cannon was a scary thought. I put down my gun too. Sara had a good point. Riling an elephant was a bad idea. Almost as bad as pissing of a woman, but I'd rather risk my chances with an amok elephant than a mad woman. Any day of the week.