Tanked Tiger

Tigers are native to Asia. Deforestation and farming have diminished their hunting grounds. Indonesia boasts some 400 tigers on Sumatra and Russia's Siberian tigers are estimated to number over 300. The feline predator hasn't so lucky in other lands. Cambodia is down to thirty with poachers actively seeking to kill the rest for Chinese and Vietnamese cusomters.

Thailand's tiger population has been bolstered by Tiger zoos in Sri Racha, although this small reserve has allegedly sold animal parts to the Chinese, who are mad for the medicinal properties of the great cat's bones and organs. Their lives in captivity are a pale shadow of their existence in the jungles. Experts have estimated that 250-300 tigers live in the wild forests of Thailand.

Out in the west where my daughter Angie lives, at night men drink lao whiskey around a fire. The women watch Thai soap operas. We tell stories. I asked, if any of them had seen a tiger. They pointed to the distant mountains.

"Tigers gone here. Mountain have tiger." My brother-in-law went mushroom hunting in the jungles.

"You see one?"

"No one see tiger. Tiger see man. Eat man." Noy shivered with fear. The only paths in the jungle are those made by wild elephants and no trails lead to the top of mountains.

"I hear tiger once. In Indonesia." I had been staying in a small village on the West Coast south of Banda Aceh. "I heard a roar."

I mimicked the low echoing growl.

The pi dogs in the yard started barking with alarm.

My daughter ran into the house.

"Good tiger." My brother-in-law loved my act.

"The tiger scared me too and it was loud. I heard it in my bones."

"Tiger big spirit."

"The people in the village were frightened shitless. They wore masks on the back of their heads."

"Tiger like to attack from behind."

"Same as people."

"Not same Thai."

"That's because you smile before a fight."

"Land of Smiles. Chai yo"

We downed the rice whiskey. It burned our throats. The dogs stopped barking and the insects resumed their buzzing. The only growl was my stomach grumbling from the bootleg liquor. It was much more dangerous than a tiger. They only ate your body. Lao Khao ate your soul.

The foto is from Noong Mooch Gardens in Pattaya. The tiger is drugged with morphine. He only gets angry when he's waiting for his man.

Same as any junkie.

CIRCUS LIFE by Peter Nolan Smith

Whenever a married couple or single mother and kid visited me in Pattaya, I took them on a tour of the various tourist points of interest; the Khao Keo outdoor zoo, the Temple of Truth, the biggest wooden structure in the world, and Nong Nooch Gardens. while steering well clear of my usual haunts i.e. the Buffalo Bar, the Welkom Inn, and Heaven Above a Go-Go.

None of these family fare attractions were far away from my house on Moo 9 and they hide your true reason to partake life in the Last Babylon.

Sin sin sin.

I showed my friends flowers, temples, and elephants.

Back in the early part of the 21st Century my young nephew, Fast Eddie, and I went to see the Nong Nooch elephant show. We bought 50 baht of bananas from a vendor before the pachyderms entered the arena, The two of us sat in the front row under the shade. The music announced the first elephant. A giant tusker chained at his back feet. The beast took one look at our bananas and charged the stands. The minders had no chance of controlling him. I chucked the bananas at him and grabbed my godson?s hand before we were trampled by the rampaging behemoth. The crowd both Thai and farang laughed at our timidity, but even a 400-pound gorilla. The ape will get out of the seat to let the elephant sit down if it knows what is good for the ape.

Angie's mom was angry at me.

"Khang kill you. Who take care Angie?" We weren't on the best of terms, but I was staying with her for my daughter.

Angie started crying. She was scared stiff of elephants. Especially the ones from the tourist safaris who would strip our mango tree of fruit. Even the mahouts couldn't stop them from sating their appetite.

When I mentioned this story at my local, my French friend Bruno said, "You are lucky. Two years ago an English woman tried to hide the bananas and was stomped by the elephant. She was killed and the elephant fled the scene to Isaan."

"That's nothing." An old-timer said putting down a glass of Mekong whiskey. "Back in the last century a circus dwarf was swallowed by a hippopotamus in a freak accident. He was a trapeze artist and dismounted onto the trampoline. The angle was bad and his disappeared into the mouth of a hippo. Hippos will eat anything and the beast swallowed the dwarf. Fucking audience applauded thinking it was part of the act. The handlers were unable to free the dwarf, but said the hippo was a vegetarian."

No one laughed at the punchline, but Bruno muttered under his breath. "I heard that story before only the dwarf landed headfirst in the hippo's asshole."

"No." This joke was starting to sound like an urban legend.

"Quais, and the dwarf survived, but quit because the circus owner wanted him to repeat the act every night."

Which goes to show there?s no business like show business.

Especially in the circus.

Sleeping Tiger

British actress Patricia Laffan starred as Nero's wife Poppaea.

The director required her to sit with a leopard during a lavish dinner sequence.

Big cats are notorious fickle with their favor, but she shows no sign of fear.

Neither did I at Nong Nooch Gardens with a junkie tiger.

He didn't even bother to snarl and laid his massive head on my lap to nod out in peace.

Good tiger.

They are really quite sweet on a full stomach.

Unlike Patricia Laffen in 1954's DEVIL GIRL FROM MARS, where she plays a latex dominatrix without mercy.

I like hanging with the Noog Nooch Tiger better.