The Ghosts Of Neanderthals

I have wandered through the caves near our rice farm in Ban Nok, Thailand. I shut off my light to be immediately cast into utter darkness. Not even a Neanderthal could't see their hand in such complete blackness.

The creation legend from the Old Testament's Genesis claimed that on the first day of Creation Elohim boomed in a similar darkness, "Let there be light." and created the heaven and earth, although the sun was an afterthought for the fourth day.

To err is human. To err all the time and not care is the blessing only afforded the Divine. His divine alter ego Yahweh spent the next five days covering Earth with water, rising land from under the seas, dividing day and night without any uniformity, covered the planet with animals, and then on the sixth day formed man in his image.

The seventh day Yahweh fucked off for the eternal shabbath of rest kicking back with other Gods forgotten by Monotheists. Yahweh had been speaking to these nameless deities since before Light and decided that He needed new company, since the other Gods no longer laughed at his jokes.

Thus Adam who as a the only white man wasn't shamed by his small penis, although Yahweh wore a toga to hide his less than godly member, but as an atheist I reject all Creation myths as well as Evolution.

Scientists have searched for the 'missing link' for centuries without success, because there is no genetic bridge between homo sapiens and the apes.

Maybe some of us have Simian descendants, but when I go to Rockaway Beach I spot humans with lizard, ursine, and sloth DNA.

My Neanderthal blood has been adulterated by countless sexual unions with Cromagnons, Desnovians, and countless other human breeds and I know the truth.

And we are not scared of caves

Only the darkness.

Survival Of The Stupidest

Charles Darwin was blessed to have circumnavigated the globe in the HMS Beagle.

His observations during the five-year voyage of the Southern Seas provided the young self-funded naturalist the time to develop with the theory of Natural Selection or Evolution as well as realized that throughout time Earth had experienced profound geological changes. No one in the western world was ready to accept his thoughts on Evolution and with good reason.

There is no such thing as survival of the fittest.

We are stupid creatures, but we can take a beating and learn nothing from it as evinced by the following photos of ladders.

Safety first.

Or "Let's get the job done."

"Aint' nothing better than drinking a beer after a job well-done."

ps. Darwin and the Bible don't know shit.

The stupid shall inherit the Earth, because they are stupid lucky.

Chicken or the Egg

The question 'which came first the chicken or the egg' has befuddled mankind for centuries.

Philosophers such as Aristotle and Plato have pondered this mystery of circular cause and consequence without satisfaction. Darwin had argued that the chicken came first and lately Stephen Hawking has backed the egg. DNA testing on ancient fossils have failed to enlightened modern science and Christianity supports the 'Big Bang' creation miracle of the Old Testament, while Buddhism contends that the wheel of time leads to nowhere and in nowhere the chicken and egg are meaningless.

I am a simple man.

My education was extensive. My de-education even more so, because I have come to realize that anyone knowing all the answers hasn't heard all the questions and I frequently reset the blankness of my mind through a binge of hard drinking.

This morning I awoke from a near-death stupor gifted more by oblivion than enlightenment.

It is Father's Day.

My children are far away in Thailand. They are my reason for living along with beer, my wife Mem, the Boston sports teams, western movies, and pizza, but in truth they were always the most important part of me even before their conception, for a man's semen is the river of life.

Without it women are merely women, so laying in my bed I came to the momentous conclusion that as a man I am the egg and the woman is the chicken, for all a woman does is sit on my egg to hatch the chick.

Of course I would never say that within hearing distance of a woman, because chickens have big ears and notoriously short tempers.

Wintertime In Pattaya

I've spent the best part of the 21st Century in Thailand, especially from 2000-2008. For the most part the weather was hot, hotter, or hot and rainy during the monsoon season. There was also a brief winter and in 2007 an intense high pressure system stalled over Thailand inflicting seasonally cooler weather on the entire country. The temperature in Pattaya dropped to 22 (73 Farenheit) during the day and Chiang Mai registered a low of 12. My ex-wife called from Chai-nat saying it was freezing in the Western Forest.

I pulled on a sweater, but UK tourists walked along the Beach Road with bare-chests. I called my friend Nick to ask his opinion.

“I didn’t turn on my AC, but it isn’t cold. You’ve been out here too long if you think this is cold.”

"Maybe you're right."

Living in the tropics tended to thin out your blood.

I rode my scooter with my faithful dog Champoo to Jomtien.

Russian vacationers were swimming in the wind-chopped sea, while tour boats were loaded Chinese holiday-makers for a trip to Koh Lann, the nearest island to Pattaya.

Two old ladies from the Ukraine slathered their wrinkled flesh with skin-frying oils. As they lay on the sun palette, I realized that Darwin was completely wrong. Mankind did not descend from apes.

Well, maybe some of us, but the rest of humanity genetic make-up evolved from either ET tampering or orgiastic miscegenation between the species of the animal kingdom.

Dogs and snakes (Jim Carey).

Horses and giraffes (John Holmes).

You get the picture.

In the case of the stocky Ukrainian matrons their first ancestor was a walrus and the skinny old dudes in the g-strings on the sea wall reminded me on monitor lizards basking on a rock.

Evolution from more than one source, because Adam wasn’t celibate before Eve.