For the Love of Gold

Gold has been the staple gift for Thai girls from their farang boyfriends since the Vietnam War. 5 baht of gold on a bar girl’s neck or wrist is a dead give-away she has a love-struck sponsor in the closet. The girls love this show of wealth, for the sheer pleasure of rendering other bargirls green with Goldfingeresque envy or it-chaa.

“My boyfriend love me 5-baht.”

Jamie Parker, who’s a STAR TREK fan, likens Thai bargirls to DEEP-STAR 6's unscrupulous Darbo girls. Always hungry for gold-plated latinum tobuy their freedom.

”Thanks the stars they don’t know diamonds are a girls best friend.”

I supposed this goldamania is a blessing in disguise, so if you want to make a Thai girl happy. Buy her some gold. I never have bought Mam gold. I prefer to give her jewelry. Gold is too liquid and I haven't been flush in recent years. It's over 15000 baht for a baht of 96% gold. In 2001 it was 6000. Times have changed, still some farangs can afford gold.

Mostly naive newcomers to Thailand.

A few words of wisdom.

If the girl already has gold, the odds are that she has a sponsor and you are being taken for a ride. Not that your generosity isn’t appreciated. You will be her darling until the guy who bought her the bigger hunk of gold comes into town, then she’ll have to leave to take care of a sick family member. The one week usually runs from Saturday to Saturday and she seems to have telephone problems during her absence.

“Signal no good. Too many buffalo farting.”

2.) You buy it, it’s hers.

Don’t ever think this is a mutual purchase. The girlfriend or wife considers the gold a safeguard against a time of drought. Mostly if it disappears, it will go for a family emergency.

“Sick buffalo need glasses to see grass.”

Never delve into these problems too deeply since to question more means your obligation increases. Accept what you are told on face value and go out and get drunk. The drunker the better. At least the money is going into your gut instead of bunch of upcountry farmers.

Not all girls are so conniving.

My wife has twice sold her gold to cover our debts. Shocked the shit out of me, but also meant she wasn’t going to leave me. I don’t know why. I’m no saint.

Most girls would leave the 23rd floor balcony open after greasing the floor.

Another farang bites the dust.

3.) If you’ve done something really wrong, gold will save face for your girlfriend.

You’ve disappeared into a k-hole for a week, had sex with ka-toeys or lady-boys, smashed the family car in an impromptu F1 race on Sukhumvit, and been seen with her best friend at a karaoke bar.

Unforgivable?

5 baht of gold will soothe her anger like a OD on Valium.

I used to work in a New York City diamond exchange. 47th street. One morning a man knocks on the window. We let him in thinking he’s a thief, until he hurriedly says, “Gimme something for $3000.”

I show him a gold/diamond necklace.

“Fine. I’ll take it.” He peels off 100s like he’s spent the last five days in a casino and needs a gift to show his wife, (who he hasn’t called in that time ) that he was thinking about her.

Same for you after this weekend from hell.

Buy the gold before you walk in the door.

Believe me, she’ll drop the carving knife on the floor and be on the phone the rest of the day happily bragging to her friends.

Lastly buying gold means that you have to go along.

If you give her the money, it will never make the distance to the gold counter.

“Sick buffalo rob me.”

Here’s a few facts to help you, Caveat emptor which is Latin for ‘let the buyer beware’.

Som nam nah or ’serves you right means the same in Thai.

Go to someplace where the people look more honest than a car salesman.

Check if the gold has a stamp.

Have them weigh it.

40 years ago Thai gold was 98% gold with a special alloy called nam prasam tong.

This gold was soft as putty and was replaced by the present melange of 96.5% gold and the rest silver and bronze. The basic measure is more than a half ounce or 31 grams. The price of gold is usually about $30 over the gold market price.

Gold in recent weeks has bounced from 9000 baht to 13000 baht.

Yikes!

So if you’re thinking of doing something really wrong, make sure you do so in another town.

“Darling, I have to go to Bangkok to see a sick friend.”

“Who you go see.”

“Derek, you remember him.”

Five baht of gold now is a motorcycle or 50 short times at a go-go.

Five baht of gold or 50 short times?

Peace at home or paradise for 15-20 minutes.

Your choice.

Queen For A Day

Back in the late 50s American audience were captivated by the tales of woe told by desperate housewives on the TV show QUEEN FOR A DAY.Each of the three participants had several minutes to recount their hard times to the host Jack Bailey and the winner for the most sorrowful tribulation was decided by the applause-meter, after which the music POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE was played as the tearful contestant was bestowed with a crown and gifts. It was horrible to watch these women degrade themselves before the camera, but these tough times are reviving the show for millions of families around the world. Last month Fenway, his mother, and I visited our old soi in Jomtien. It was a grey day and the sea was too rough for swimming, so we drank at the Blue Moon cafe with the owner. There were few farangs on the soi, partially because it was low monsoon season, but mostly since everyone in the West is tapped out of funds. "Mai mii farang. Mai mii taeng." Moon was complaining about the lack of business and then asked, "You know Richard?" "Of course." Richard was teaching in Saudi Arabia; four months on and one month off. "His girlfriend Dah, she have cancer." "Oh." Richard had broken up with Dah two years ago and I sensed the direction of this conversation, for the Thais are experts at telling the classic sick buffalo story, where the family needs money to save the beloved buffalo. These unhappy endings are the harvest of a bad education, poverty, and no social network coupled with knowing that farangs have been an easy touch over the years. "I give Dah 13,000 baht to go hospital. She never give back." Moon continued her mournful story. "My husband he die last month. I have young baby." "I don't have any money." My finances were devoted to Fenway and my daughter Angie. "Yes, but maybe you could ask Richard to help me?" Moon wasn't talking about a sick buffalo. She was worried about her family same as me and Mam. Fenway's mom looked at me, as if to say 'law ke kuhn' or up to you. "I can email him and see what he says." I could only try, but I knew what he would say. I sent the email explaining the situation and several weeks later I received this response. "I also sent Da a whole lot of cash. Everything I bought her she sold! Moto Sai, washing machines, TVs et al. I spent over 1,5 million Baht on her over the years. First noticed the bump in her breast a few years ago, but she refused to go to the hospital (Me not want to know she said). Finally had to give up and move on. Sorry it took so long to reply. Haven't the urge to return to Thailand soon. So many old friends have died it tells a story in its own right." I had to write back to Moon that she was on her own. Same as everyone else in this new world. There are no more Queens for a Day.

Thai Water Buffalo Revival

A warning to farangs living in Thailand.

Be prepared for an onslaught of kwai mai sabai or sick buffalo complaints from your girlfriends, as up-country relatives switch from tractors to water buffaloes to work their fields.

For years the King of Thailand has proclaimed that the water buffalo was a vital part of the nation's agriculture and the animal is more valuable than ever to the future of sustainable farming, as fuel and fertilizer prices have risen to non-profitable heights. The King has been donating buffaloes to rural communities on a small scale since 2000 with hopes that their offspring shall reincarnate the old school of farming, however most farmers need to be educated on the benefits of the traditional plowing and fertilizing the rice paddies as well as be weaned from the technological crutches of the 20th Century.

"We can't afford new tractors," said Nataporn Saeng Po, a leader of a farmers' group. "Here they are 72,000 baht [$2,150], not counting fuel costs, while a large buffalo is only 25,000 baht [$746] and unlike the tractor, if you invest in buffaloes, they multiply."

Tractors never fuck, they only fuck up.

Some up-country farangs might go so far as to trade in their SUVs.

Backback on a buffalo is a rough ride without AC, but the water buffalo might be the wave of the future. Who knows next time that sick buffalo might be yours.