Fast As Hell

Back in 1984 my friend bought a fiendishly fast KZ 1100 cc bike in Paris. We were doing smack.

While sitting at an African transvestite after-hour bar in Les Halles, le Savanne, he asked, “How you like to take it for a ride?”My survival instinct had been rendered to zero and I took his keys. The pre-dawn streets were slick with winter rain. As high as I was my death wish was low and I drove the bike underneath Les Halles maze of parking garages. It’s been in plenty of films since then. I got the bike up to 200 kph on a straight-away. Blood sizzling with the desire to live I returned to the bar and my friend asked with a junkie smile, “Fast?”

“Very.”

On an August morning in 1978, French filmmaker Claude Lelouch mounted a gyro-stabilized camera to the bumper of a Ferrari 275 GTB and had a friend, a professional Formula 1 racer, drive at breakneck speed through the heart of Paris. The film was limited for technical reasons to 10 minutes; the course was from Porte Dauphine, through the Louvre, to the Basilica of Sacre Coeur.

No streets were closed, for Lelouch was unable to obtain a permit.

The driver completed the course in about 9 minutes, reaching nearly 140 MPH in some stretches. The footage reveals him running real red lights, nearly hitting real pedestrians, and driving the wrong way up real one-way streets.

Upon showing the film in public for the first time, Lelouch was arrested. He has never revealed the identity of the driver, and the film went underground until a DVD release a few years ago.

I tried to find the url for the video, it had a Trojan.

I remember seeing it in Paris.

Damn they were fast.

But few people drive as fast as drunk Thai boys on their little scooters. No helmets. No lights. Death wish 2007.

For a related article click on this URL

http://www.mangozeen.com/to-die-in-pattaya.htm

Low-High Season 2008

Traditionally Europeans flock to Thailand for the cold season, however this year tight budgets are forcing foreigners to stay home. Already shops, bars, and hotels depending on the holiday trade are sensing a drastic downturn in sales and the national airport is already reporting a 33% per cent decrease in arrivals. Everyone is going to be hurt, however this hasn't stopped Pattaya bar-owners from raising the price of barfines for the Christmas season.

"We have to make sure the girls stay in the shop or else no one will be there." One Walking Street go-go owner professed to his clientele.

So look for empty streets, cheap hotels, and expensive dates with the girl of your choice.

Sounds like fun to me.

Persona in transit

Last year the nation's of the world declared glam-rocker Gary Glitter a persona non grata after he was freed from prison in Vietnam. The singer of ROCK AND ROCK Parts 1 and 2 sought to avoid a return to his native England by deboarding in Bangkok. He was shuffled off to Hong Kong, but the Chinese said 'mai xie xie', leaving the aging felon only one choice.

A flight back to the UK.

Thailand's man in the move is in a similar position after the UK revoked his visa.

He divorced his wife last week in Hong Kong. This week he's in Dubai, obviously trying to sort out his finances with the co-owners of Man City Football Team.

After that who knows where.

Thailand certainly is ready for him with a prison suit and cell.

Welcome home indeed.

Old Blue Eyes Says Good-Bye

Bad times get worse for the Thaksins who announced this week that their 32 years of marriage will terminate in divorce. Friends were shocked when the former PM said at a Hong Kong dinner, "We divorced in order to make everybody feel comfortable."

His wife was not invited to this dinner.

She was not the last to know, since they signed the divorce papers at the Thai Consulate.

That official will have some questions to answer since both parties are criminal fugitives from justice. Thaksin blamed the separation from his beloved wife on the 'privileged elites'.

Curse those anti-lovers.

Golden Showers in Space

Somehow Shirley Bassey has a reputation for golden showers. Supposedly it was good for her voice. NASA has lent this myth credence by installing a water-recycling system which will clean the their urine for drinking another time.

"We did blind taste tests of the water," said NASA's Bob Bagdigian, the system's lead engineer. "Nobody had any strong objections. Other than a faint taste of iodine, it is just as refreshing as any other kind of water."

"I've got some in my fridge," he added. "It tastes fine to me."

Next thing you know and they will be selling designer astronaut piss.

No Where for Hillary

The American Press theorized this week's meeting between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama would lead to the New York senator's appointment to the position of Secretary of State in the next administration, however sources within the Obama camp have intoned that the incoming president made no offer.

"More like nice of you to come by, see you later."

And I can't blame Obama.

Who wants to see all those pantsuits every day of the week.

And that laugh.

A braying donkey would be better company.

FAST HEALER by Mark Kamins

The headlights reflect off the rain-scarred streets. I saw her eyes,twisted, bloodshot red, dazed, she looked at me. She didn't see the gunshot wound. It wasn't the first , and I know it wouldn't be the last . I fucked up. Its hard, fucking hard, trying to make a quick peso, a fast G, in the back streets of Marseilles. I sipped the last drop of bouillabaisse, took a long taff, an asked for another nasty Richard. Enough, I was bleeding, I asked the Marocaine toiletgirl , to call her sister. She had stitched me up before. It wasn't a problem, I'm a fast healer.