Sunday, February 15, 2009

Santa Claus is Dead


"Sorry, Virginia, there is no more Santa Claus." Parents will be sorely tested next December. No money means no Santa Claus. Children crying, "Where are the reindeers?"

"They have been laid off due to the dire economic conditions."

"Same as the Detroit autoworkers?"

"Good boy." The parents will be glad that the home schooling is improving their children's intellect since the public schools closed due to no funds.

Sounds ominous?

Well, just maybe it is.

1/20th of a Quadrillion Dollar US Debt


"What do you think is the total US government debt?" I asked a young economist in the Columbia University graduate program.

Francesco was smart and took his time to calculate the numbers.

"15 trillion dollars." The sum was the total of the US annual GDP or every single penny made by the nation in a single year.

"Good guess." Back in the 70s a man erected an electronic billboard tracking the US debt on the corner of 6th Avenue and 42nd Street. The largest number I remembered was 6 trillion. This liability indicator backwatered during the Clinton years. The corner stores were sold in the mid-90s, so no one ever had any idea what was happening with what the USA owed to its debtors.

"Was I close?" Francesco smiled thinking he had a grasp of the depth of the problem. 15 trillion dollars was a lot of money. GW Bush could have financed 8 Iraqi wars with that sum.

"Not even warm." I knew the correct amount thanks to www.worldnetnews.com. "Almost times four. Ready?"

"Yes."

"1/20th of a billiard."

"Billiard?"

I'd stumped him with that word.

"Yes, a billiard is another word for a quadrillion."

"50 trillion dollars?" Francesco had done the math.

"Actually it's $65 trillion. I rounded it out to the nearest 50 to make the math easier." Most people had trouble with fractions, especially the voodoo zombie economists of the Bush Administration who did the math on their fingers. Last year they announced the debt to be $400 billion. More like $5 trillion in the real world. I re-did the numbers for Francesco. "It's actually 1/30th of a quadrillion."

"How are we going to pay that?"

"Never will happen. We're banco or bankrupt. Crapped out as a nation thanks to 8 years of this last fuck-up." So no more Iraq War. No more troops in Afghanistan. No SUVs. No McMansions. No more fake millionaires. It's a revolution no one realizes has happened yet. Certainly not the republicans who want to have another round of tax cuts to spark the economy. "The treasury will monetize the debt."

"How?"

"By printing money."

"Meaning hyper-inflation."

"People going to the store with SUVs packed with enough dollars to buy a loaf of bread." Like in the Weimar Republic or Zimbabwe.

So get ready to buy diamonds and gold.

I'm open for business at the Plaza.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Sex Tourists Beware


Despite its reputation as a sex paradise, Thailand is a deeply puritan country whose morality is governed by a respect for the human spirit and last week the Thai police displayed their iron resolve by arresting 13 foreign men, seven Thai women and three foreign women at a Bangkok Hotel for the crime of sexual adventurism. Another couple, farang man and Thai wife, were charged for organizing this criminal behavior.

Police were shocked to discover on the highly-organized raid the spectacle of naked men and women coupling while others drank and danced nearby. The outlaws were told to get clothed, as the police searched the premise for incriminating material. Their labors netted a stash of used condoms, lubricant gel, porno books and CDs and 30 pills of Viagra.

Channel 3 Thailand showed video footage of the raid.

Loose condoms were on the floor. None of the officers touched this evidence as SOP. They were waiting for the CSI squad to arrive. Reportedly the police were tipped off by a jealous husband of one of the farang women. The offenders in this dangerous conspiracy will most certainly be blacklisted from ever entering the country to prevent such an outrage from occurring again.

Girls Are Trouble


13 year-old boys get into trouble. It's the nature of being a boy, but sometimes they have help and it usually comes from the opposite sex if they're lucky. Of course my high school sweetheart wanted to save her virginity until marriage. I respected her wishes. Why we broke up I don't recall, but two weeks later she was shagging Pal Monahan. I remained a virgin until I was 18.

They married later and I wandered the world looking for love.

I found it on several occasions.

So I'm a lucky man too.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Working the Park


The other night I left the Oak Bar to smoke a cigarette on 59th Street. I only smoke when I drink. One cigarette a day is enough. The wind off the park was smelled of the fallen snow. Only a few pedestrians braved the cold. An Asiatic woman with long hair approached me. for a second I thought she was lost, but she knew exactly where she was. Probably more than me.

"Hey, mister, you want sex?" She opened her fur coat. Her body was slender and she wasn't wearing any underwear.

"Sorry, I'm not interested." I have two wives in Thailand. Supporting them is hard enough without donating money to an uptown hooker, but there was no harm in being friendly and a prostitute has a keen eye for money, so I asked, "How's business?"

"Horrible." She tugged her coat shut and shivered, as if she hadn't eaten all day. "I went to the St. Regis. Nothing. Essex House. Nothing. Are you sure you don't want a blowjob? I'm the best you'll ever have."

"Thanks for the offer, but I'm married." I flicked the cigarette into the gutter.

"All my customers are married." She hoped this information might weaken my resolve.

"Yes, but I love my wife." Both of them.

"Could you buy me a drink in the bar?" She wanted to get out of the cold.

"A beer and not a drink." Drinks at the Oak Bar started at $18. A Stella Artois was only $9. I didn't mind being a good Samaritan at that price. We entered the bar and the men sitting on the stools checked out my companion. She re-opened her coat as an invitation for more.

"You have any friends here who want some action?"

I didn't get a chance to answer, because a businessman in a pin-striped suit smiled in response to her general come-on.

"You mind?"

"Not at all." I had saved myself $9. She left 10 minutes later with the 'john' and I signaled the bartender for the tab. An extra beer was on the bill. I paid it with a twenty, because even good Samaritans get to be a sucker every once in a while.

ALMOST NEWS - Jocko Weyland Opening

ALMOST NEWS

press photos
from the collection of Jocko Weyland


February 15 - March 28, 2009

opening reception:
Sunday, Feb 15, 6-8 pm


KS ART
73 Leonard Street
New York, NY 10013
212-219-9918
www.kerryschuss.com

press release:http://www.kerryschuss.com/cexrelease.html
images:http://www.kerryschuss.com/cexsw.html

World's 10 Scariest Airports


Last month a plane struck geese while taking off from La Guardia. The engines failed over the Bronx, yet the pilot capably glided the stricken aircraft to a water landing in the Hudson River. No one was injured seriously by the crash and the New York Post splashed headlines atop the front page.

KILL ALL GEESE.

Reports of the jet having issues with its engines have been stifled until the report of the FAA, however the Telegraph of London has published a list of the world most dangerous airports. La Guardia escaped placement, but JFK got the dubious honor of #8.

Here's to you New York, New York.

The list from the Telegraph

World's top 10 scariest airports

Gibraltar Airport. Pinched in by the Mediterranean on its eastern flank and the Bay of Algeciras on its western side, the airport's truncated runway stretches just 1828 metres and requires pinpoint precision. Click for more photos
February 5, 2009

Nervous fliers, stop reading! Travel + Leisure has come up with a list of the world's scariest runways that can make even the most relaxed travellers grip their armrest.

(Photos: Happy landings? World's scariest airport runways)

1. Paro Airport, Bhutan

Tucked into a tightly cropped valley and surrounded by 4900-metre-high Himalayan peaks, Bhutan's only airport is forbidding to fly into. It requires specially trained pilots to manoeuver and land through a channel of tree-covered hillsides.

2. Princess Juliana International Airport, St. Maarten

The length of the runway is just 2180 metres which is fine for small or medium-size jets, but as the second-busiest airport in the Eastern Caribbean, it regularly welcomes wide-body jetliners like Boeing 747s and Airbus A340s which fly in low over Maho Beach and skim just over the perimeter fence.

3. Reagan National Airport, Washington, DC

Located smack in the center of two overlapping air-exclusion zones, Reagan National requires pilots flying the so-called River Visual into the airport to follow the Potomac while steering clear of sensitive sites such as the Pentagon and CIA headquarters. On taking off, pilots need to climb quickly and execute a steep left bank to avoid flying over the White House.

4. Gibraltar Airport, Gibraltar

Pinched in by the Mediterranean on its eastern flank and the Bay of Algeciras on its western side, the airport's truncated runway stretches just 1828 metres and requires pinpoint precision.

5. Matekane Air Strip, Lesotho

The 399-metre-long runway is perched at the edge of a couloir at 2300 metres. You drop down the face of a 609-metre cliff until you start flying. Says bush pilot Tom Claytor: "The rule in the mountains is that it is better to take off downwind and downhill than into wind and uphill, because in Lesotho, the hills will usually out-climb you."

6. Barra Airport, Barra, Scotland

The airport on the tiny Outer Hebridean Island of Barra is actually a wide shallow bay onto which scheduled planes land with the roughness of landings determined by how the tide went out.

7. Toncontin Airport, Tegucigalpa, Honduras

Having negotiated the rough-hewn mountainous terrain, pilots must execute a dramatic 45-degree, last-minute bank to the left just minutes prior to touching down in a bowl-shaped valley on a runway just 1862 metres in length. The airport, at an altitude of 1000 metres, can accommodate aircraft no larger than Boeing 757's.

8. John F. Kennedy International Airport, New York

Pilots have to avoid interfering with flights into New York's two other close-by airports, LaGuardia and Newark. Set up in 1964 as a noise-abatement measure, this approach forces pilots to have a reported 457-metre ceiling and a eight-kilometre visibility before lining up with runway 13L and the waters of Jamaica Bay.

9. Madeira Airport, Funchal, Madeira

Wedged in by mountains and the Atlantic, Madeira Airport requires a clockwise approach for which pilots are specially trained. Despite a unique elevated extension that was completed back in 2000 and now expands the runway length to what should be a comfortable 2743 metres, the approach to Runway 05 remains hair-raising. Pilots must first point their aircraft at the mountains and, at the last minute, bank right to the runway.

10. Juancho E. Yrausquin Airport, Saba, Netherlands Antilles

Perched on a precipitous gale-battered peninsula on the island's northeastern corner, the airport requires pilots to tackle blustery trade winds, occasional spindrift, and their own uneasy constitutions as they maneuver in for a perfect landing on a runway that's just 396 metres long.

go to this url for photos

http://www.smh.com.au/photogallery/2009/02/05/1233423387468.html