Dark Thoughts

A friend has been in distress. Overwhelmed by the darkness. I have called without his answering the phone. I understand the need to not need to speak with anyone as well as the darkness. Earlier this month I had mentioned to my therapist that I had been experiencing dark thoughts.

"Not overwhelming dark thoughts. Just recurrent. They come and they go. They don't stay and I'm free of them for extended periods of time."

To most mental aid worers 'dark thoughts' mean one of two things. Suicided or harming other. I was more of the former.

"Do you want to see a psychiatrist?"

I understood the question. Psychiatrist are doctors. They will interview patients and prescribed appropriate drugs to deal with the specific mental condition. I hadn't seen one since my admission to the hospital for cancer four years ago. Prior to my illness I had self-medicated myself with alcohol. It had been a near-fatal cure and no longer viable post-transplant.

"Sure, I'll see a psychiatrist," I sadi, resisting the urge to call them a shrink.

Two days later I had a Zoom meeting with a woman doctor. I prefer a women. Male doctors tend to think that no one is their equal. We spoke for an hour. We covered all the bases. Thoughts of hurting myself. Thought of hurting others. I spoke. She lsitened and asked questions. I answer as truthfully as possible. Her assessment was that I was not in neeed of drugs to to continue with my group meetings for my alcoholism and speakining with my therapist every two weeks. I was in accord with her suggestions and wished her the best.

Thedark thoughts. They are still there. Lurking. I am better armed with tools to fight off depression. I have weathered the storms of the last years. Recreating this me from the ashes of the previous mes knowing I'm not not and never will be a me to satisfy the others. That's okay. The Mes and me know how to deal with that now.

I wrote to my friend.

It's not easy to go it alone when you think you are all alone and the fears prevent you seeing a path out of the wilderness. Why fucking bother? Day by day by day and then fuck it I can't stay here in a room no matter where I go. I'm in a room in Brooklym overlooking the backyards of Clinton Hill. All bearing the scars of a long winter. In the small room most of the time. I don't even know the names of the walls. Escape, a breakout, caught in the wires, breaking not free, but dragging away the fears like the piano in Bunuel's Le Chien Andalou. Always good to have Bunuel as not a friend, but a guide not telling you where to go, but just that there is a path out just like there was a path in.

Dunkel Dunkel - 2011

Published December 20, 2011

The word for darkness in German is 'dunkel'. Darkness is 'dunkelheit' and today dawned very 'dunkel' in the Rhine city of Cologne. The farther north in Europe the shorter the days, as the northern hemisphere approaches the winter solstice. After the dunkel of night comes the gray dawn and this morning I will visit the Gothic cathedral of Koln. Somehow this massive structure avoided the destruction visited on Germany during the allied bombing campaigns of WWII, although that wasn't for lack of trying, Old photos reveal that the 8th Army Air Force had leveled the city surrounding the famed cathedral and the photos revealed it had been relentlessly targeted, even though the Air force swore they were avoiding the cathedral. Hardly.

The city was hit 262 times by saturation air raids and the population was reduced to 95% by the war's end.

Few if any of the older buildings survived the catastrophe intact, but the cobblestones remained untouched by the explosions and they are very slippery under foot in the night damp.

Koln rose like an eagle to become Germany's fourth largest city.

Not bad, but still very dunkel.

Koln is a long way from summer this time of year, but this evening I'll be flying from Dusseldorf to Thailand to see my kids, get some sun, and drink some beer.

Happy Holidays.

Walking In The Dark - Montauk

Nights out in Montauk I go to bed early in a tent. A good tent. Fall asleep fast. Listening to the wind and waves. Funny being outside. In the darkness. Normally very peaceful and not too cold undrr my blanket.

This morning an October storm arrived before the rains. The tent flapping like a loose sail with the wind.

Even in the darkness of night I feel nature. The colding night. My fingertips a little chilled. I fall asleep. The rain has stopped. Waking to relieve myself under the stars. No other humans other than the occasional passing car.

Last night at a party a British woman said she walked six miles in 75 minutes every day. No one believed her. I took her back. i walk a lot. Not that fast and I said it was possible. Not by me. Before I left the party I told the woman I was walking back to Ditch Plains.

"Just be be with the darkness."

I strolled back to Ditch Plains like an old hobo. Detached from the modern world which is nothing like the Jam's THIS IS THE MODERN WORLD. Cars on the road. Headlights in my eyes.

Why are they so bright in this modern world?

Drivers aren't used to a man on the shoulder of the road. They must wonder who the fuck is that? Just some weird old man. I walk facing the traffic. A car stops. I thought it might be the 12. Just someone turning around.

Then it was dark again.

A few stars.

Storm a coming.