A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To THe Torch

I absolutely love ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS.

The Olympics Truce

Friend and Family

My paternal grandfather had qualified to represent the USA in the pole vault for the 1912 Summer Olympics in Stockholm, unfortunately Frank Arthur Smith I broke his leg at an exhibition in Portland and he was replaced by the alternate jumper. Harry Babcock of the USA won the event topping the height of 3.95 meters. My grandfather remains the only person in my family to have achieve the distinction of an Olympic athlete. In 1979 my friend Lisa from Palm Beach had qualified for the USA women's field hockey team. Her arduous training for the Moscow Games was for naught, for President Jimmie Carter pulled out of those Olympics in protest of the USSR's 1979 Afghan invasion. A confirmed progressive she speaks badly of Carter as the president who ruined her chances to win a gold medal. No one else I know has come close to competing in the Games. I could have attended this year's games in London. I had a place to stay on Moscow Road. Instead I'm sitting on a porch on the edge of Thailand' Western Forest, where there is no live coverage on TV, since the household is addicted to Thai soap operas and nothing can cure them of that addiction.

The Memory Of An Elephant

Elephants rival humans, apes, and dolphins for intelligence. Their dense highly folded brains are well suited for memory retention of their long lives, but some ethnic humans can never forget a tragedy and this week the families of the athletes slain at the 1972 Munich Olympics asked for a moment of silence to honor their fallen loved ones. The International Olympic Committee refused their request and the group organized a 'Minute for Munich', which was attended by over 20,000 people according the online publication of Haaretz‎ and Mormon candidate for the White House Mitt Romney announced his support for the proposition in accordance with his sect's belief that The Latter Day Saints are a a lost tribe of Israel. He made no mention of his failure to commit to such a commemoration at Salt Lake City Winter Olympics in 2002. London mayor Boris Johnson adamantly told the press, “Believe me we will have one. Was stunned to find Barcelona had nothing.” NBC's Bob Costas promised their US audience a minute of silence, as the Israeli team entered the stadium, however the wigged suck-up couldn't stop his jabbering and closed his comments by saying, "Still, for many, tonight, with the world watching, is the true time and place to remember those who were lost and how and why they died." Way to go for the heart, you asshole. Even elephants forget the bad shit, although the loss of a family member is impossible to forget. Just ask the survivors of the killing spree at Sabra And Shatila or the victims of the Irgun's bombing of the King David Hotel or dead from the Salha shootings in Lebanon or the slain worshippers at Al-Aqsa Mosque massacre, not that the dead can refute the teachings of the Torah that condone such ethnic cleansing by ordering, "Destroy all of the land; beat down their pillars and break their statues and waste all of their high places, cleansing the land and dwelling in it, for I have given it to you for a possession." Thus spake the God in the Muumuu in Numbers 33:52,53 At one point the madness has to end on both sides. Free Palestine for the sake of the elephants. There are some things that the pachyderms would rather forget.

Olympic Voyeurism

Last Saturday the Old Roue visited Pattaya for a break from Bangkok. I hadn't visited Walking Street for ages and told Mam that we would only be out for a few hours. She said fine, since my libido shut down after three drinks. My son's mother kissed me in the cheek and returned to watching her Thai soap, in which the mia noi's daughter had been her father's son.

"Every one of those soaps is the same." The Old Roue was eager to visit the fleshpots of Pattaya. "Someone always ends up in the hospital unconscious and the rich man marries the good girl."

"Don't forget a lot of yelling." Ancient Thai culture was based on a respect for your betters, but these days hi-so wasn't getting the proper wai from the lo-so.

"Yes, Thais love yelling in their soaps."

"TV imitating life." We mounted our motor scooters and set off for Walking Street, the main drag for go-go bars in the Last Babylon.

When Eve bit into the apple, humankind lost its innocence and immediately the two realized that they were naked in paradise. Her nudity didn't matter to Eve, but Adam forced her to wear leaves, so the animals didn't stare at the first woman. Ever since then man has spent time and money to undo Adam's error and this evening Walking Street seemed rammed with people, although most of them were Chinese or Russian bus tourists taking in the wanton sights of Pattaya.

We hit several go gos. This was the bottom of the low season. Each bar was hurting for customers and the girls were hungry for any kind of action; long or short time. They danced with a wicked abandon in hopes of getting lucky with two old farangs.

We bought them drinks. We groped their naked bodies. We left without a promise to come back to barfine them for the night. The two of us had been patronizing go-go around the world for a combined total of 75 years and we understood the game and all its eccentricities, yet I was amazed by the Old Roue's mesmerization by the sight of a naked woman and suggested that he enter the London Olympics as a medlap-worthy voyeur.

“It sounds like an all male event.”

“Women glare instead of gawk.” I was familiar with my wife’s piercing gaze and ordered another vodka tonic. I was on my fourth and in no danger of succumbing to the temptation of the flesh.

“A withering gawk, if I remember correctly.” The Old Roue had been married back in the last century. He was now a single man in Thailand and never strayed from the path of one-night stands.

"But nothing in comparison to your concentration on a go go girl. Your eyes are as wide open as your mouth."

"You're not painting a particularly pretty picture."

"You're wrong. I'm applauding your devotion to voyeurism, although several countries might challenge your crown."

We discussed the various nations’ strengths and narrowed the medal challengers to three Asian countries. “#3 has to be the Indonesians." The Old Roue had spent a winter in Kuta. "The Bali beach boys bore holes through the bungalow walls to watch naked fat tourist chicks.”

“#2 has to be the Indians in Goa." November 1995 had been a dream for me. "They’ll stand five feet away from a fat tourist girl show no shame at staring with a face contorted with sexual fantasies.

“#1 goes to the Pakis. But they really don’t have any occasion to practice, since no females get naked in Pakistan.”

“Just because they can’t train doesn’t mean they won’t score the gold. All the best porno store in LA are run by Pakis.”

“What about America?”

“Women in America are too fat to gawk at. Almost like you have to look at the ground rather than a woman in the mall. Plus they’re so angry.”

Yeah, It’s better to look at your shoes, which is why Americans loved strippers."

"And porno." With the religious right enforcing no sin zones throughout the nation, gawking has become a lost art in the USA. I pointed out two sailors at Heaven Above a Go Go. The nineteen year-old swabbies were drooling on their shore leave shirts.

"They haven't had enough training in gawking."

“Once a year they buy Sport Illustrated swimming issue to answer their fantasies." When I was a boy, we played with our sister's Barbie dolls and used our imaginations.

“None of those girls appeal to me." The Old Roue hadn't fucked a white woman in years and neither had I.

"I feel the same way, but then there are those girls on the internet XXX sites.”

“Don’t count. They’re not real.”

“They’re not?” Like millions of American men I didn't agree with his statement. Those women had names. They smiled and didn’t scold if I looked at them for hours. They never asked where I had been or if I had been looking at other women. They never seemed jealous. Even if I never paid for their time.

I had fallen in love with several and cried if my computer crash during our date. But the Old Roue was right. They weren’t flesh. Not on the computer and that’s why the USA will never win the gold in voyeurism.

We only live for dreams.