mangozeen: premature ejaculation

Friday, July 6, 2012

Premmie Oops

Yesterday's San Diego experienced a massive premature pyrotechnic premmie. Premmie is a porno term for a male lead's miscalculated timing for the money shot otherwise known as rapid ejaculation, rapid climax, premature climax, or early ejaculation which occurs according to Masters and Johnson more than 50% of coitus between a man and a woman. Kinsey discovered that nearly 75% of men ejaculate within two minutes of entry. Wikipedia reports that current evidence supports an average intravaginal ejaculation latency time (IELT) of six and a half minutes in 18-30 year olds. All my life I have suffered from the rare condition of leatheritis, which delays my climax way beyond the happy ending of my female partner, who after a hysterical half-hour of joyous puddling pray for my orgasm with the fervency of a nun seeking union with Jesus. Finally I give up on reaching the the finish line and fake an orgasm. "I didn't feel anything." The woman will say after I roll off her. "It was a dry shot." I refer to the oilman's failed drilling. "Okay." The woman will accept the explanation, since failing to cum on the male's part is seen as a failure of their allure. In truth there is nothing wrong with IELT, for as the great philosopher James Steele stated at the Phnom Penh Sex Monger Convention, "As long as you get it in, it's not premature." So no worries for quick shooter, if it was good for you, then it was good for you. As for her. Just give her a hug. Women prefer intimacy to sex, right?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Premature Explosion ala the 4th

The disaster of the Space Shuttle Challenger was witnessed by millions of Americans in horror. Ronald Reagan seemed at first perplexed by the booster rockets' explosion, then realized the Shuttle and all its crew were lost in the fiery conflagration. I have long blamed that President and his administration for forcing NASA to launch in freezing temperature outside the parameters of safety in order to get a photo op. The tragedy had lived in our memories for years, but Jamie Parker and I were sitting in the Horseshoe Bar on Avenue B the next evening and he asked, "You know who Christa McAuliffe is?" "Everyone knows who she is." The burly bartender put down his wipe rag. He didn't like Jamie. My friend was not only a junkie, but a wiseass and there were enough of those in the East Village in the 80s. "She was the school teacher in the Space Shuttle." "Well, you know what her last words were?" Jamie slotted his eyes left and right. The rest of the bar was listening to his every word. "No, what were they?" The bartender asked with exasperation, knowing the answer would be to his liking. "What's this button for?" We were booed out of the bar two seconds later. President Reagan would have loved to blame the Challenger disaster on a schoolteacher from New Hampshire, however his commission assigned the fault to the booster rockets' frozen 0-rings without any mention of presidential pressure on NASA to greenlight the mission in unsatisfactory weather conditions. Yesterday in San Diego the twenty-minute firework extravaganza lasted fifteen seconds for the thousands of spectators gathered around the inner bay. Most ooh and aahed with pleasure, but a few fled the fireballs, because they recognized that something was not right. There was no do-over and according to August Santore of Garden State Fireworks, "This is very uncommon .... there was nothing in the pyrotechnics that went wrong. It was the electronics. It's just something that obviously was beyond our control. Anyone who has ever had any kind of computer situation, or otherwise -- it's not perfect -- so we've never had this situation before and God willing, we'll never have anything like this again." A similar electronic malfunction occurred in Thailand back in 2009. I accept the computer error story. It's always best to blame someone or something that can't protest its fault, but in the end all mistakes with a computer happen somewhere between the finger in the keyboard. To err is human. To blame something else is even more human - James Steele To view the 20-second extravaganza please go to the following URL http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuJHfkXEI-o