Sunday, February 1, 2009
Anti-Terror Juice MonekY Cops - NYPD
The Thai police raid clubs to piss-test customers for drugs. If you failed the test ie your pee turns purple, you are arrested for drug use. The USA is a little more civilized, however many companies demand to pass a drug test before you are hired for any position and that means mail room or janitor too, but not CEO nor for over-the-counter prescription drugs. Being on the top means you can do what you want and the same goes for the police.
You never hear about them getting drug tested after an 'accentual' shooting, but why would they, the police aren't there to preserve order, but sow disorder. Not all of them, because I've known some good cops in my day. The last time I was arrested the Thai police couldn't have been more polite and my good friends in the 9th Precinct always treated me right mostly since they are human like the rest of us.
Not the Anti-Terror squad of the NYPD.
These steroid juice monkeys appear in front of 'possible terrorist targets' such as the Plaza Hotel and FAO Schwartz in full SWAT regalia carrying automatic rifles like they were ready to wipe out the street faster than Blackwater operatives in Iraq.
They dying for it.
A chance to show their mettle.
Personally I consider them an affront to liberty along with the search of bags in the subways, then again Americans don't care about the loss of freedom as long as they can eat chicken wings on Superbowl Sunday while drinking Buds.
Now that's a horror.
Not the chicken wings.
The BUD.
Bleeech.
Pattaya Bar Girl Rules
1. Choose your farang depending to your needs. If you have money in your pocket, you can be picky, although that's not very likely since you would be home sleeping, eating, or watching TV if your wallet was crammed with 100 baht notes. You wouldn't be working if you did. At the end of the week, specifically Friday and Saturday, many locally employed walking ATM machines will come to your bar, choose carefully! Some have money, but others do not! If he is wearing a suit and tie, check that the tie is not a Pratunam special and check that he isn't wearing trainers. If he is, forget him because he is most likely an English teacher, and they will only give you peanuts, if they give you anything at all
2. No matter how fat and ugly he is, no matter how bad he may smell, no matter how drunk he is, make sure you always tell him he is handsome. Sit close to him and run your hands over his body, arousing him. As soon as he has paid the bar fine, you can stand clear of him. Even if he knows that you despise him, he'll still pay you. The hard part is getting him to pay the bar, and as soon as he has done that, the rest is easy.
3. Start collecting email addresses from all of your customers, once you have a good collection of addresses, a visit to your local Internet cafe is in order. Send everyone an email. Simply change the name on each email and send it off to all the guys. If you can remember something specific about them, mention that in the email too. These walking ATMs all have a soft heart, so you need to tell them a story to get them to send you some of their riches. Start with a sick buffalo and if he doesn't reply, next tell him that your mother is ill. As a last resort, if he still doesn't send any money, tell him you are pregnant and the baby is his!
4. Practice crying on cue. It is essential that you can produce tears immediately. This will have the effect of helping the walking ATM machine to see things your way!
5. When you get a customer for an extended period of time, make sure he takes you shopping, with Rarn Tong (gold shop) being the best place to visit. Make sure he buys you gold and if he doesn't, see rule 4! As soon as he has left Thailand, take the gold back to the shop and sell it straight back to them, thus increasing your pay out.
6. When locally based farangs are inside the bars, do not speak in Thai with your friends in the bar but rather use Lao, Khmer or any other dialects that you may know.
It's bad enough that some of them can speak and even read Thai, but Lao and Khmer should be kept as sacrosanct. Under no circumstances should the farang be taught our regional dialects.
7. Always see him off at the airport. Thai currency cannot be used in his country, so it is highly likely that he will give you all of his leftover Baht as he leaves and says goodbye.
While accompanying him to the airport, prevent him buying going-away gifts for his family and friends in his homeland, this will leave more money for you.
8. See Asian customers. They understand that we like to gamble, and they understand that we have lots of unemployed brothers and sisters who need to eat. Therefore, they pay a lot better than the farangs.
9. Remember, when you go with a farang, you must always ask for taxi money and give him the excuse that taxi drivers cannot give change on big notes. Don't let him see the small change in your wallet. If taxi money isn't forthcoming, see rule 4.
10. If you are no longer making money in Bangkok, move down to Phuket where you will be able to start making money again. Give Phuket a few years, then move on to Pattaya. Even if you are approaching 50, it is no problem as the walking ATM machines in Pattaya seem to be so blind, they will not notice.
New Words for the Modern World
This year Webster Dictionary has allowed a new series of modern slang to be entered into the lexicon of the English language. Most people I know ie English speakers are light years ahead of the educational tome in their vernacular depravity, but here are some words which might make it into the revision for 2007.
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious
bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit
you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
Arty SuperBowl Sunday
Europeans don't get American Football.
"Why call it football when you can't kick the ball?"
It's a good question but who cares what Europeans about sports and the feeling is obvious mutual because my good friend Miguel Abreau scheduled the opening of Pieter Schoolwerth for this Sunday.
Art versus Superbowl.
We know who wins this contest, despite my being friend with both the gallery owner and the artist.
Chicken wings and beer.
But for those effete art snobs wishing to expand their minds go to Miguel Abreau Gallery this evening.
Peter is the tall American with the long hair.
I think.
36 Orchard Street (between Canal & Hester), New York, NY 10002
Telephone 212.995.1774 • Fax 646.688.2302 • post@miguelabreugallery.com
Gallery hours: Wednesday – Sunday, 11:00 AM to 6:30 PM
Subway: F to East Broadway; B, D to Grand Street; J, M, Z to Delancey / Essex Street
Bang a Bong
Michael Phelps, an eight-time gold medalist for the USA, has had photos of his huffing a bong pipe published in the daily scandal sheets. Needless to say the accompanying criticism has been harsh ranging from the WHAT A DOPE banner in England's prestigious NEWS OF THE WORLD to accusations of tossing his career down the tubes for a hit of weed. Even worse were the commentaries from witnesses to his partying such as;
“He didn’t know many people so you’d think he’d be a little shy. But he was loud, obnoxious and slamming beers from the get-go.
“Every girl wanted a piece of him and every guy wanted to be his best buddy. He couldn’t get enough of all the attention.”
“You could tell Michael had smoked before. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and knew exactly what to do.
“He looked just as natural with a bong in his hands as he does swimming in the pool. He was the gold medal winner of bong hits. Michael ended up getting a little paranoid, though, because before too long he looked like he was nervous and ran out of the place.”
Mr. Phelps probably realized that this episode would earn him a rough time from the media along with his coaches and family.
"What were you thinking?"
Mr. Phelps was thinking the same thing most potheads think. "Legalize the weed. fuck the law. Let's party."
The rest of the world simply isn't that cool.
The USA government sent the comedian Tommy Chong to prison for a bong.
Fuck the DEA.
Right on, Aquaman.
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