Oh Grasshopper

Most Americans' introduction to eastern thought was via the TV show KUNG FU starring David Carradine. The lanky actor played a Eurasian Shaolin monk, Kwai Chang Caine wandering the Old West. Wisdom was dispensed through flashbacks to the young man's studies with his tutor, Master Po.

Master Po: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Young Caine: I hear the water, I hear the birds.
Po: Do you hear your own heartbeat?
Caine: No.
Po: Do you hear the grasshopper that is at your feet?
Caine: Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
Po: Young man, how is it that you do not?

The show concluded with Caine's union with his younger brother.

David Carradine's life ended this week in Bangkok at a hotel off Sukhumvit Road. His body was found by hotel staff in the closet of his room. He was naked and restrained with ropes. Hands tied behind his back. A shoelace around his penis. CCTV cameras showed no one entering the room, so local police were quick to assume that the cause of death was suicide. The family begged to differ, since there was no suicide note, he had bought a new car, and 2008 had been a banner year for the 72 year-old actor. Police changed their assumption and declared that the deceased may have met his demise after a session of auto-erotic asphyxiation went bad. Death via strangulation can come within seconds. Thailand's leading forensic expert commented on his bondage, "In some cases it can suggest murder, too. But sometimes when the victim is naked and in bondage, it can suggest that the victim is doing it to himself. If you hang yourself by the neck, you don't need so much pressure to kill yourself. Those who get highly sexually aroused tend to forget this fact."

The thrill was too much for the actor.

Still how did he tie his hands behind his back?

Questions remain a mystery for the moment.

Poor grasshopper.

Who are You? / from www.nakedfarang.com

CULTURE QUIZ
Who are you?

Take this fun “cultural” quiz to determine whether you can morally qualify for Thai citizenship. You may be more Thai than you realized. If you are Thai, you may find that you are more westernized than you thought.

1. You need change for your sky-train ticket. There are some people standing in a line in front of the ticket window. Do you:

a) walk straight to the window and ask for change
b) look around aimlessly wondering who you can ask for help
c) never take the sky-train because you always travel by tuk-tuk
d) join the back of the line and wait your turn

2. You are about to pass through the turnstiles in the sky-train station. There are several people behind you. Do you:

a) stop at the turnstile and start looking for your ticket in your bags and pockets while continuing to talk on your mobile phone
b) look around aimlessly wondering who you can ask for help
c) never take the sky-train because you always travel by tuk-tuk
d) have your ticket ready in your hand

3. You are waiting to board a sky-train. The station announcer keeps telling everyone to let the alighting passengers get out first and to stand to the side of the doors. There are yellow arrows on the platform showing you where to stand. The train pulls in. Do you:

a) stand in front of the door and try to push your way through the hoards of irritating people trying to get off the train
b) look around aimlessly wondering who you can ask for help
c) never take the sky-train because you always travel by tuk-tuk
d) stand to the side and wait for the passengers to get out before you enter

4. You have entered the sky-train. It is rush hour and there are several people behind you. Do you:

a) stop immediately after entering the door and wonder why irritating people are pushing you from behind
b) look around aimlessly wondering who you can ask for help
c) never take the sky-train because you always travel by tuk-tuk
d) walk as far into the carriage as possible to allow others behind you to enter

5. You are at an intersection and you want to cross the road to buy some food. Do you:

a) walk straight across the road with your eyes transfixed on the food stall and talking on your mobile phone, oblivious to the traffic
b) stand at the side of the road for 10 minutes and then give up and go back to the hotel
c) get a tuk-tuk
d) look both ways and then cross the road while still checking for motorbikes

6. You are exiting an office building. It is lunch time and you have a one hour break. In front of the building, there are some pretty girls in short skirts. One of them is talking endlessly on a microphone. There is also a kiosk and they appear to be giving something away for free. There is a long line of people waiting in the queue. You can’t see what they are giving away. Do you:

a) join the queue and spend your entire lunch hour waiting to get your free sachet of dog shampoo
b) stand there for 10 minutes and then give up and go back to the hotel
c) get a tuk-tuk
d) go for lunch

7. You are entering an office building. It is still lunch time and very crowded. There are four glass doors, but only one of them is open. Hundreds of people are squeezing in and out through the open door. Do you:

a) try to squeeze through the open door
b) stand there for 10 minutes and then give up and go back to the hotel
c) get a tuk-tuk
d) walk towards one of the other doors, open it, and walk through

8. You are late for an important job interview. Do you:

a) go to Central Department store and look at the latest mobile phones and then get something to eat
b) try to remember why you were going to a job interview while you are on holiday and already retired
c) get a tuk-tuk
d) call the company and explain your situation

9. You are now walking towards the building where the interview will be held. Do you:

a) amble along, meandering across the pavement and scraping your soles on the ground whilst talking on your mobile phone
b) try to remember why you were going to a job interview while you are on holiday and already retired
c) get a tuk-tuk
d) walk briskly and purposefully towards the building


10. You have now entered the building and are approaching the escalator. No-one else is on the escalator, but there is a farang walking briskly behind you. You are both going to arrive at the escalator at the same time. Do you:

a) get on the escalator in front of the farang, stand in the middle and stop
b) try to remember why you were going to a job interview while you are on holiday and already retired
c) get a tuk-tuk
d) walk briskly and purposefully up the escalator



For each answer, give yourself the following scores and then see how you rated below:

a) 1 point
b) 2 points
c) 3 points
d) 4 points

0-9 points: you are mentally retarded and unable to either do simple arithmetic or answer basic questions. Either way, you are socially inept and should seek therapy and/or re-education. In the meantime, avoid sharp objects and, for safe keeping, send all your money to the naked farang.

10-15 points: you are Thai and have an affable disposition, smiling a lot. You smile when you are happy, confused, angry, embarrassed, guilty, gloating or nervous. Your favourite pastimes are sleeping and shopping. Even though you have never tried it, you hate Indian food because it smells bad. Paradoxically, you can not eat Thai food unless it is flavoured with industrial strength fish sauce. You believe that corruption is the blight of Thailand, although your cheating on exams or bribing traffic cops doesn’t constitute corruption because everyone does it.

16-25 points: you are an elderly farang tourist with limited experience of Thailand. You wear sandals with socks, and you don’t think that’s odd. You wai everyone and love to visit temples, taking pictures of everything. You think that Thai people are wonderful and friendly, and you think the culture is charming. You find Bangkok intimidating, but you enjoyed seeing an elephant and paid 100 baht to buy bananas off the owner to feed to the elephant.

26-35 points: you are a young farang traveller and you know everything because you read it in the Lonely Planet guidebook. In Bangkok, you stay on Khao San Road, although you haven’t learnt how to pronounce it yet. Your favourite destinations are the very popular and crowded unspoilt beaches. You hate tourists because they want to go to the same places as you. You are a free spirit and you are totally unique because you have (delete as appropriate) dreadlocks / Celtic tattoos / beads / a didgeridoo / fisherman’s trousers / a tie-dyed t-shirt.

36-40 points: you are an expat living in Thailand. You love the country, the culture and the people, although you still find some of the local customs and habits to be a bit odd and, at times, infuriating. Nevertheless, you embrace everything that Thailand has to offer, while still retaining your own cultural identity. You have built up an immunity to chilli peppers and a mild tolerance to traffic jams. You no longer become angry when people arrive late for appointments and have accepted that you probably walk too fast.

41 - 100 points: you are a cheat and are probably involved in politics. You may well be a former Prime Minister currently living in exile.

Only the Dead are Guilty - Tak Bai verdict

A Thai court in Songkla ruled that the army was no responsible for the deaths of 85 protesters, including 78 who died in detention after a confrontation at a police station in Tak Bai. Court officials have refrained from speaking with the media after this verdict. The dead are dead, because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nearly 1000 protesters had congregated to protest the arrest of 6 village officials charged with trafficking in weapons. The truth of the matter was that the rifles were surrendered to 'guerillas' under threat of death. The demonstrators were reported to have attacked the police station and the army responded with a heavy hand.

None of the dead were allowed to speak in court.

Here's a link for a video about this 'accident'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poQgvVuM3jA

Bomb Theory Rebound

An Air France Airbus 320a went down in the South Atlantic. The plane had been flying thorough heavy weather. No one on the plane survived the crash and navy vessels have found very little wreckage. Airbus was quick to blame the accident on a lightning strike damaging the avionics, however two other 320As have terminated their flights short of the runway in the last year. A Air New Zealand plane dropped into the Mediterranean and this year a brave pilot brought his Airbus to a safe landing in the Hudson after a supposed 'bird strike' upon take-off. Both accidents are still under investigation, however right-wing conspiracy fanatics have been blaming the Air France tragedy on a bomb, thanks to a bomb threat to the same airline flying out Buenes Aires.

They see weapons everywhere.

They sow fear everywhere.

And people have heard too many lies to believe the truth.

Beware of the lies.

Here's a video link to an Airbus crash caused by the pilot letting his son handle the controls during the landing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kHa3WNerjU

There was also another Airbus 320A crash in Honduras.

Dog is a Man's Best Friend.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's happy to see you!!

This wisdom is thanks to my Palm Beach wife.

The Power of Punk

Time-Warner combined with Internet powerhouse AOL in 2001. This merger was supposed to signal the advent of a new era. Few media wizards foresaw the Bush regime's rejection of new technology and the promise of this marriage between old and new communication systems resulted in a dead-loss for Time-Warner. AOL became worthless. Bank notes were due and last week Time-Warner was on the brink of GM doom. Their rescue was from an unlikely source. Green Day's new CD hit #1 upon release.

My friend Jocko Weyland isn't a big fan, however I had seen their performance at Woodstock. Thousands of fans hurling mud clods at the stage. The trio was covered in goop and they played until a chunk of sodden earth stuck Billy in the head with the force of a Mike Tyson punch. He could have gone down. Instead he shook off the coma and rocked the sons and daughters of the baby boom. Me too. They were the descendants of punk and this week proved the power of the Ramones by saving Time-Warner.

Gabba Gabba Hey Green Day.

Of course the suits at Time-Warner don't see it that way, but they are fuckheads.

N'est pas?

Thai Border-Runners - Endangered Species

My passport is thick with Cambodian visa stamps. Prum, Daung and Cham Yeun are the closest border crossings to Pattaya. I know them well. Several of the immigration officers know my face. This ritual of popping over the border to re-new a visa stay for Thailand was easy. Four hour mini-bus ride/ one hour at the border / four hours back. This trip has been replicated by thousands of Thai-hungry farangs over the past two decades despite ever-tighter regulations enforced by the Thai immigration authorities, however the loophole appears to be joining the dodo bird, woolly mammoth, and GM on the extinct list with the Thai Immigration's proclamation that from this date onward any foreigners who enters and leaves the country more than 4 times on a 15 days tourist exemption stamp will have to leave Thailand the next time via an international airport to get another 30-day stay.

Panic for border-runners was not witnesses on Thai Visa, although the usual losers called for the offenders to get a real visa.

Wankers.

Thai Immigration was quick to point out that this new regulation will not affect holders of visas issued abroad.

"As usual, holders of Tourist visas will be given 60 days stay while Non-Immigrant visa holders will be allowed 90 days stay."

Many long-term residents without the proper credentials will resort to an OS visa ie over-stay adopting the Indian and African tactic of relying on Thai authorities' inability to differentiate farangs.

"They all look the same."

OS visa offenders must number in the thousands.

Darwinism at its best.