Doom Soon

Reuters reported that 15 percent of people worldwide believe the world will end during their lifetime and 10 percent think that the end-date of the Mayan calendar will signal a planetary cataclysm on 12-21-12 according to a poll of over 16,000 people in China, Turkey, Russia, Mexico, South Korea, Japan, the United States, Argentina, Hungary, Poland, Sweden, France, Spain, Belgium, Canada, Australia, Italy, South Africa, Great Britain, Indonesia, and Germany.

While many westerners are influenced by the end date of the Mayan calendar, other pro-apocalyptical respondents are leaning toward the Hand of God, asteroids, or natural disaster. Russians and Poles were the most positive about Doomsday.

My old co-worker Ava called me this afternoon and asked if I wanted a job.

"Not really."

"Why not?" Ava was a born-again Christian.

"Because the world is coming to an end and I'm not going to waste my time at work."

"You don't really believe that?" She was very familiar with my non-belief in God.

"No, but it's a good excuse." I took the number from her, because if the world doesn't end on December 21, 2012, I'm fucked.

Countdown To Doom Minus 18

December 21, 2012 or 12-21-12 will mark the end-date of a 5125-year-long cycle in the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar. Positive New Agers are expecting a transition to the new era of enlightenment, while the fundamentalist are predicting a doomsday collision with an unseen planet called Nibiru drawn to our Earth by the Grand Planet Alignment. This gloomy forecast was based on Mayan scholar Michael Coe writing in his 1966 book THE MAYA, "there is a suggestion ... that Armageddon would overtake the degenerate peoples of the world and all creation on the final day of the 13th [b'ak'tun]. Thus ... our present universe be annihilated in December 2012, when the Great Cycle of the Long Count reaches completion." Annihilation? Only 18 days away? NASA and none of the other space agencies have announced impending doom, although that silence may be keeping with the classic line in disaster movie by the leader of the Free World, "We don't want the people to panic." Panic. The world is in a throes of a major economic depression. Wars are fought across the globe. Weather patterns are shifting to challenge the coastal populations with floods and the interiors with drought. But those in control of the world are afraid of panic. If we are not panicking now, we never will, then again I favor the renewal of the world spirit rather than a planet-ending calamity. Peace will rule the world.

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults date back to an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." “ Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.“ Winston Churchill

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.“ Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."“ William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?“ Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.“ Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.“ Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.“ Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.“ Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend. if you have one.“ George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second¦ if there is one.“ Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.“ Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator.“ John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.“ Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."“ Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.“ Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.“ Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."“ Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.“ Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.“ Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?“ Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.“ Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.“ Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts¦ for support rather than illumination.“ Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music.“ Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.“ Groucho Marx

Born Into This Charles Bukowski Movie

Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it's cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it's cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
Born into this
Walking and living through this
Dying because of this
Muted because of this
Castrated
Debauched
Disinherited
Because of this
Fooled by this
Used by this
Pissed on by this
Made crazy and sick by this
Made violent
Made inhuman
By this
The heart is blackened
The fingers reach for the throat
The gun
The knife
The bomb
The fingers reach toward an unresponsive god
The fingers reach for the bottle
The pill
The powder
We are born into this sorrowful deadliness
We are born into a government 60 years in debt
That soon will be unable to even pay the interest on that debt
And the banks will burn
Money will be useless
There will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
It will be guns and roving mobs
Land will be useless
Food will become a diminishing return
Nuclear power will be taken over by the many
Explosions will continually shake the earth
Radiated robot men will stalk each other
The rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante's Inferno will be made to look like a children's playground
The sun will not be seen and it will always be night
Trees will die
All vegetation will die
Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
The sea will be poisoned
The lakes and rivers will vanish
Rain will be the new gold
The rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind
The last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases
And the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
The petering out of supplies
The natural effect of general decay
And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard
Born out of that.
The sun still hidden there
Awaiting the next chapter.

Poetry Police

My hillbilly girlfriend in the 70s was funny. She was even funnier drunk. Her limit was two drinks and then she transformed from an ingenue actress into a white trash beauty. I wasn't sure which I liked better. One night at CBGBs she launched into a tirade about the poetry police coming to arrest Patti Smith and William Burroughs. "Here come the poetry police." I had to pour her into a taxi for the ride home to our apartment on East 10th Street. Alice stopped drinking soon after that night, but I remembered the poetry police this week, when the Qatari government sentenced Muhammad ibn al-Dheeb al-Ajami to life imprisonment for insulting the ruler of that wealthy desert country. Al-Jazeera has made no comment about this draconian punishment in fear of losing their financial backing from the news agency's royal sponsor. This offense against the ruling family was supposedly directed at the crown prince. I couldn't find any copy of the poem TUNISIAN JASMINE online. The US has a big military base in Qatar. No one in our government has said a word in the defense of free speech. Muhammad ibn al-Dheeb al-Ajami has been held since November 2011. His trial was closed to the public. His lawyer said, "The judge made the whole trial secret. Muhammad was not allowed to defend himself, and I was not allowed to plead or defend in court. I told the judge that I need to defend my client in front of an open court, and he stopped me." Ajami was jailed in November 2011. Beware of the poetry police.

Lunar Twin Eclipse

There was a lunar eclipse of Gemini on 11-28-12. I was born under that celestial star. The full moon should have some effect on me. I drank with my good friend and landlord of the Fort Greene Observatory at Mo's and Mullane's on Lafayette Street. We had more than one beer each, so I experience not a full stomach of beer rather than the lunar eclipse. Happy Beermas. Mine was so good that I missed the following two days and I've moved off the beer to a Chilean Merlot. In vino veritas. In more wine oblivion.

Pattaya Beach Report - Ban Samae San

Ban Samae San is the southern terminus of the Friendship Highway. This road was built by the US Corps of Engineers in the 1960s to supply the US Air Force's northern airbase to bomb Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia. The 10,000 Day War has no meaning to the residents of Ban Samae San now. Colorful fishing boats crewed by low-paid Cambodians ply the waters of the off-limit navy islands and the catch is sun-dried to sell to Thai tourists to the defunct fishing ports of Ban Saray and Ban Amphur.

The town is very picturesque despite the horrendous smell and I’ve always enjoyed swimming off the navy pier. The water is a million times cleaner than Pattaya and the languid atmosphere reminded me a Maine sea ports lost in time. plus the only swimming was off the Navy pier and for the longest time I had the place to myself.

All that changed in 2007, when the Thai navy has opened up a sea museum on the hill. Tourist buses navigate the narrow streets and sailors guarding the gate demand 100 for Thais and 200 for foreigners, but not me, because back in 2003 I was diving off the pier. The Thai Navy Seal team was watching me from an old boat. My style was strictly backyard swimming pool, yet none of them could duplicate my headfirst plunge.

One muttered, “Farang bah.”

“Mai bah. Pom bin Kon talay.” I told them I wasn’t crazy and my family came from the sea.

50% of it was true.

As my French friend said about my ability to speak his native tongue, “You can not speak French, but you sound as if you can.”

The same goes for my Thai, so the navy divers picked the most believable half and I became friends with their CPO Robert.

He invited me to the museum opening and said, “Whenever I have something special I’ll invite you down for the day.”

Special meant a tour of the navy islands, on which no one, Thai or farang is allowed to step foot.

This week I got a phone call from Robert.

“Phueng-ni chaao. Phed mung.” His military cadence was easiest understood.

“Tomorrow morning. 8am.” I almost saluted the phone.

I woke with the dawn and packed my bag with snorkel, mask, fins, towel, suncream, book, water, fruit, knife, duct tape, change of clothes and a Thai-English dictionary. Within two minutes I was back asleep. I was no early riser. The maid knocked on the glass door.

It was 7:30.

Water in my face and a rocket ride on my motor scooter to Satthatip.

I arrived at the Samae San navy pier.

No Robert. No boat. A sailor wetsuit asked, “Khun James.”

“Chai, kap.” James is my nom du bar in Pattaya. It’s more memorable than my birth name and gives the Thais a chance to say, “Meuen James Bond.”

Just like 007.

"Ching ching." I might be American, but I will drink anything even a martini shaken and not stirred.

The guard guided me to a hall. All the Seals were celebrating Navy Day. Robert had me sit with the officers. He explained that I was a champion diver. The guard guided me to a hall. All the Seals were celebrating Navy Day. Robert had me sit with the officers. He explained that I was a champion diver. I smiled and nodded my head. I would show them my style later. But first it was time for beer, whiskey, and food. Ban Samae San. I smiled and nodded my head. Ban Samae San. It's a beautiful place to be.