Thursday, May 7, 2009

Immaculate Convict


“I have nothing against Christ. It’s your Christians I hate.” This remark has been attributed to Saladin. I feel the same way about most religions except beer-worshippers.

“Every day is Beermas.” My mate Nick declared with the fervor of a suicide beer-drinker. I’m an apostate Catholic. I don’t believe in God, Jesus, or an afterlife and certainly not that Mary was a virgin. That story about the Immaculate Conception was a cover-up for her affair with a mere mortal and it’s about time the church gave up that ghost.

A recent newspaper reported that a female convict achieved a virgin birth in solitary confinement.

I don’t remember where.

Thankfully there have been no calls about the 2nd Coming of Jesus, although Christians have been ratcheting up their efforts to convert Thai youth to the passion of God.

Big G wearing a muumuu like Buddha.

Missionaries pretend to be NGOs and refrain from overt proselytizing for the Jesus Revolution. The Word of God comes with patience to Buddhists. My friend Ek lost his brother to preachers in Chonburi. Now he’s a Sunday boy. Praying to God. Happy to be saved for the heaven beyond this life. Bible-thumpers have established a foothold down the street from my house.

Jehovah Witnesses.

I spraypainted 666 on the wall.

The next day the small congregation prayed for the number to disappear by the grace of God.

After 30 minutes they switched to soap and water.

By nightfall the 666 was a shadow.

Only 1% of Thais answer to Christ’s summon. The number is bound to rise with the increased uncertainty of the times. Maybe they’ll get 1.1%. And if Jesus comes they can go to heaven and leave the rest of us behind.

Bon Voyage true believers.

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